It's Over

So... I've decided to make this public. Finally.
Like no-one is going to read it.
But blogging has become a bore and I cba anymore.
So while I'm not posting anything, I'll let other people have a glimpse into my thoughts.
Perhaps it will help people think things through differently.
Perhaps it will disturb them.
Maybe they'll skip past because they don't care (that's gonna be the majority) but this seems like a fun idea right now so.... cool.

Maybe I'll come back one day....

Until then..... Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BOOOOORRREEEDDDD.

I'm so bored! Like.... nothing is interesting any more.
Life is just.... there.

To the point where sleeping is boring.
Being creative is boring.
Hell, even MUSIC is boring?!

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'd like it to change now.
It's getting tiring, being bored all the time.

Meh.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BQC!!! :3

I am officially part of the Quidditch team at Keele university!!! :D

Over the 8th-10th we went to the British Quidditch Cup and came 2nd (after losing to Oxford in the final)

We are 2 out of 30 teams in the country!!!

And everyone on the team is awesome. I want to make sure we're all friends for more than uni because they are honestly the nicest people I've met here so far. Twilight, Stalker and Tom especially :)

Had several spooning fests and movie nights with those three for the days following the tournament as well. I love 'em so much. <3

Also, white t-shirt parties are literally the funnest socials ever. I am still running on the high from the weekend. Can't wait for training on Sunday!!!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

University Life

So I haven't written in a while.
I don't suppose I've needed to. I've been okay. A little rocky with Jordan every now and then. We're on this not-quite-a-break thing right now. Everything will be okay though. it always is, and then I get stressed again.
I've been having my odd mood swings again which sucks quite a lot.
It just hurts.
And more people are becoming aware that there's something wrong with me. That hurts too. They will think I'm a creep if they find out much more.

In other news, I made friends at uni. Crazy right? Not that I'm good enough with many of them to say we'll be friends for more than a year. I'm not going to count on it. I'm not going to rely on it. I don't need people any more. Just the four close friends I have right now.

But yeah. I'll update a little later probably. Let you know how I'm coping.

Oh, and here's something I wrote on the back of my to-do list earlier in the week:

"If you don't notice, I'm coping successfully.
If you do, I'm not doing so well.
But I'll be okay eventually."

I dunno. I like my mind when it's all like that. It's inspirational to myself when I'm feeling crappy again.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

guess the fuck what. I don't even have a fucking clue. 

sometimes I get so mad for no reason at all. and then suddenly it's gone again. 

right now I'm calm as fuck. but I am swearing because I can do whatever the fuck I want. also fuck is very liberating. 

right now I have the fuzzy niceness of tipsy settling in. it feels wonderful. and I don't plan on stopping until I pass out in my own bed, probably grasping a bottle of rum, because right now I couldn't care what anyone else thinks, I just want to feel good. and I'm given that feeling briefly when I'm out of it.

you know that other fuzzy feeling? the bad black one that haunts the corners of your mind when you least expect it? that's there too. and it has been for a couple of days now. and the drunk fuzzy masks the dark fuzzy and I like that.

this evening, the full "heavy weight on your shoulders" feeling appeared for the first time in ages. and it wasnt nice and it made me upset. 

I don't want to be upset anymore.

over and out,

Gloves. xx

p.s. Jordan needs to calm his shit down. bitch.

Sex

Just had sex on the beach. It was awesome. 

Though sand got in my toes during the experience. 

I'm not drunk. Honest. 

Now I'm gonna listen to music and read all night. 

Gah. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Bloody Hell

Mother Nature needs to calm her shit down and stop being such a fucking bitch. Fuck this. 

Fuck my life.

FUCK! 

Turkey Day 4

So, it's Day 4 in turkey and so far I've sunbathed, had a Turkish Bath, gone out for dinner, stayed in for dinner, gone shopping, listened to a shitload of music. And today we went to the Aquapark. :) 

It was awesome. Though at points my bikini top did slip up. After a while i just didn't care anymore. A few boobs were seen today. 

Met this really awesome guy. :) He was the lifeguard for one of the best slides so after a load of goes, I went back to collect my sunglasses and top and we had a nice conversation. 

ate some candy floss and popcorn and pizza and chips and went back to the slides. There was this huge one and I went with milo because Greg was being a pussy. 

Greg then decided he wanted a go, so while they joined the queue I went back to the epic vertical/google slides. 

Had another chat with the lifeguard (who's name I cannot type at all). He's 19, in university studying..... I can't remember what, and this is his summer job. He's living in bodrom right now, but is actually from Istanbul. He likes my name and originally thought I was silly for not going on a vertical slide, but then I did and he gave me a round of applause. 

I lost the flower from my hair, but he blew his whistle to get my attention and said it was nice to meet you when I left.

It was awfully hot today as well. 

I'm gonna put on some after sun and listen to my favourite songs. 

I might Skype Jordan later, but I'm honestly not counting on him to answer. He's probably too busy drinking. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

But...

I love you, but I always feel like I'm embarrassing you and that in turn makes me question we are really meant for one another. I mean, whenever I wear something that expresses my emotions or is just odd it not normal in your eyes I never feel comfortable around you and I hate that because its just me and means I can't be myself around you because the real me embarrass you.

I love you, but I'm getting sick and tired of you asking the same question over and over again in a different format . Okay I get it, you want to have sex before uni but I can't give you that so if you want that then please go somewhere else and leave me to my old fashioned ways. Because the more I say no, the more I get scared you're gonna go behind my back and do it anyway. And I don't like those thoughts.

I love you, but I hate that I am so insecure about our relationship I can't help but think of every worst case scenario. You going off with another girl. Or guy if that's what you're into when you're drunk. And I get insanely jealous of these imaginary people and I get so mad at them and so mad at you and sometimes I give myself a time out so I can calm down and figure out which part of my thought processes are real and which ones I made up.

I love you, but I don't like feeling vulnerable. After you had pissed me off once I went and got piss drunk and high as I could with only four joints and that's a bad thing to do but it was something you hated me doing so I did it anyway and all the while we hung out I was weighing up the pros and cons of making out with her and i had a sort of epiphany. (What a joke, wild realisations when you're high.) so it was this. It doesn't make it any less wrong, or any less hurtful, or any less stupid, but thinking about Someone or making out with someone else when I'm pissed (in both senses of the word) protects my superego from getting hurt, and I convince myself it's okay, because if I don't do it first, then it will happen to me first. (And I always wonder that if I hadn't kissed Hollie that night, would you still have kissed Jenny? Becuase I want to believe you wouldn't, but a part of me thinks that it was inevitable that one of us would hurt the other like that. And it was only a matter of time. I just took the step first, which made me the bitch, rather than you. [which I think I prefer, becuase wronging you made it easier for everyone to hate me and like you more, so they stopped pretending with me and comforted you instead]). I didn't make out with her by the way. We looked at the light on the bridge and thought we were crossing through a portal into the next world like in northern lights.

I love you, but sometimes I just want to be free and be myself, and being with you somehow restricts that. (Don't ask me how. Let me get high a couple more times and ill get back to you.) wait, maybe that's it.

I love you, but you're so hypocritical it's unreal. Like, I know I am too, but that was in response to you being an absolute retard. (We still need to talk about that though. Not the depressing bits. More like how you found it, whether you knew how to take in the smoke or if you coughed or if you tripped or whited out etc. I'm curious. I bet you couldn't figure out how to take it in. Or when to stop when it got hot in the end. :P we should get high together sometines) but still. Doing it after that negative reaction, and still maintaining you wanted me to be upset and feel like shit. That's just really dickish. I won't censor when I get high now, because hiding it is hiding what I do and therefore who I am as a person. That restricts me as a person. You restrict me.

I love you, but sometimes i just get so tired of the shit that surrounds relationships. People always talk them down and whatever you do there's always some form of hurt around the corner. And even when you're the one doing the hurting, because you can't see the point of waiting to be hurt yourself, the guilt is bonec rushing.

I love you, but...

I'm done, 

Gloves. xx

Brief conversations.

my conversations with jordan are so strange sometimes. for example, today, if my mother asked me how he was it would probably go something like this....:

Mom: "How's jordan getting on? speaking to him much?"
Me: "oh yeah, alright. and yeah, almost constantly. he gets on my nerves so much. kidding. we've been talking about him removing nails from my vagina in order to have sex with my dead and mutilated corpse for the past 15 minutes."
Mom: ".......oh."

so yeah. off to turkey in an hour. fun times.

i feel really ill. like "going to be sick any moment" ill. :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Summer

So summer is upon us. and has been for quite some time i suppose,.

my hungergames party was a success. and i was proud of le cake.
we are definitely going to do it again.
kill of the event was jordan surprise attacking luke with a dagger whilst shaking for a truce..... :P ah, luke is just too trusting. ;)

Got pissed off at Jordan the other day
he can be so hypocritical sometimes!
he had a huge go at me for trying weed and made me feel shitty and so guilty about it and then what did he go and do on tuesday? Smoke it himself.
well fuck that.
i did have a good venting session though.
hollie came over and i ranted a lot and even though she didnt contribute more than asking why i was still with him if he annoyed me so much, she did allow me to just... release. i suppose it helped that she supplied the joints, on top of the alcohol i provided and we got majorly..... happy. CAKE.
The rides at the fair were ten times better. :D and the roundabout at the park when we got back to broughton seemed amazing... im not even kidding.
however, the walk home, in the dark, accross the fields, was not as fun....
im glad we did it though. i needed that release.
i have noticed ive become even more tolerant of alcohol. which is a bummer. i need that buzz.
oh dear. i just said need.
perhaps im an addict....
nah. :P

anyways. went to chris' party yesterday and almost pulled an all nighter, but got sent out when luke declared we all needed to shut up because he couldn't sleep.... :P

going away tomorrow. i just need to relax. im going to try not to go online too much and just ignore the outside world for a bit. it makes it so stressful.
especially when arguing with jordan.
actually, just talking to him in general. i want to make sure he's safe.... even if i dont show that im concerned, i really am.
as i said to hollie, i stay with him because he is my rock. he always reassures me of myself and my worth and all of that soppy shit. i just depend on him so much more than i let on. and i dont know whether thats particularly healthy or not....
i suppose i'll see by the end of july.

This was a very rough talking thing today. i kinda like not caring about capitals and spelling and punctuation and stuff.
pehaps i should do it mroe often...

over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Kieran is coming in TWO FREAKING WEEKS!!! :D :D :D

Suicide.

So.... I tried to kill myself?

Only hurt my ankle though. 

I freaked out at the last second. Grabbed a branch.

I'm not going back to that tree again.

I'm not insane. Honest.

A letter.

Dear Jordan,

I can't say much to you. It's very difficult for me to say anything serious. I suppose that's due to me failing to trust most people.

I always feel pushed to the back. Never the centre of attention for long. And i never feel very important to people. But it seems that you make me feel like that all the time. It makes me smile, that you can make me feel loved without even trying. But at the same time I can't help thinking, how important am I to you?

I'd love to know your personal opinions. About the world around you as well as me. But we never talk about personal things, and you never blog, so I don't get the same opportunity that you did to "see into my mind".

I tell you loads of things, which I'd be scared to admit to anyone else I know. Like my nightmare. Or the things which I used to think. Usually you just laugh at me like you don't believe it, or disregard the statement because you don't care or don't know what to say or how to reassure me.
You called me crazy today. I cried quite a lot, because I think I really am sometimes. And I hate that I'm different like that.

We talked about July again recently. 

I want to give you as much freedom on your holiday as possible, because I know that restriction leads to unhappiness. And so does guilt, if something did happen... 

So if I give you a "Hall pass" you can go out with your mates and have a good time without me looming over you. I don't think I'd care that much about you doing things. 

However, I'm scared shitless. What if you meet someone out there who's so much better than me. I can't help but feel like I'd be compared when you came back. And yeah, sex would bug me, but not for the reasons you'd think. What if you wanted it more when you came back. The pressure would really get to me. It gets to me now, but I don't want to be pressured into losing my virginity. I'd hate myself for years after if that happened. And I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, you're not like that, but still. I wonder. 
I hate not knowing as well. I'm going to be worrying the whole month, like a overprotective and clingy girlfriend. And I won't even be able to contact you. So I'll worry even more.

I hate it when you get drunk. You say things and do things which bug me. You're more blunt, more yourself. You actually say what you mean, and it upsets me. Even if it is the truth.
I worry about not satisfying you, to the point where you'll leave me. That insecurity is definitely going to increase when you come back as well.

I feel like we're falling apart, and trying not to mention it to one another. Trying to prove to ourselves that we can last til uni. But what if i want it to last longer than that? We need to fix these insecurities if we want to last. We can't avoid them forever.

When is that going to be Jordan? Because I just don't know what to do anymore....

Recent Events

So, exam leave,
Prom,
Jordan,
Jenny.

In that order.

Exam leave began on Friday. It's a scary thought that I may not even be going back to school after August. I can't say that I'm sad to leave though. There are so many memories there that I'd rather just move on from, that its not worth feeling sad over. What I will miss though, is the security. If I go to university, I know the newness of it all is really going to overwhelm me. School is like a very good structure for me, and I've had 7 years to get used to it.... So.... Yeah, it's going to be different, and may even be unpleasant at first, but I suppose I've got to give it a try.
Saying that, I can't wait to get away from home. I think something other than this house and these people ("friends" included) will be good for me.

So prom. The 24th of May. I can say I really wasn't looking forward to it at all. If it wasn't for Jordan I definitely would have chickened out at the last minute, because I knew that the other girls would make it difficult for me to enjoy myself. Some of them unintentionally, but others just too obviously, and I don't want to name names, but Cheryl really needs to get her shit together and think about the impact of her actions.
But it went surprisingly well.

[details of prom to go here when I can be arsed]


Then there's the whole Jordan situation. Recently I've been feeing very self conscious around him, and when he's around other girls, especially Hannah and Jenny. I'm trying to get over it, but it's hard when my eyes are betraying my mind. And then my mind starts betraying my logic. It's silly, I know, but there it is.
That said, I'm feeling a lot better. During the last week leading up to prom I wanted to ignore him. I just couldn't bear being around him, and I don't really understand why. It's like I felt suffocated by everyone at the bench, and his comforting made it worse. So that happened. I got a good unicycling practice out of it though. Not much revision, even though that's what I said I was doing. Meh. It happened. I'm over it. I'm going to try to be a better girlfriend. I'm being as selfish as Cheryl is, and that just isn't right.

On the day after prom I helped out at Jenny C's wedding with the Hogg's and Hollie. Which was fun. We had a lot to do though. And I had a little period accident. :/ it wasn't particularly pleasant. But chris was good about it. Talked with Jordan on the phone that evening too. I like calling him. It's nicer than texting. We're going to have to do a lot of it at uni though...

Sunday I spent revising. And then at 6 I went to Milly's for a movie night. Though it didn't start til later because all three of us went to pick Stark up from the bus station and he was late. We did have many hilarious conversations though, which was a plus.
Watched xmen and iron man. Ollie fell asleep the minute the second film started which milly and I found hilarious. It amazes me how fast he can get to sleep, it's like his head touches a pillow and he's out. We think he's either a vampire a werewolf, but we can't yet decide which one. :P

On Monday, I revised. And then in the evening I called Jordan again and we had another long and fun conversation. At the end of which I will explain with two words. Phone Sex.
Bloody brilliant, we should have tried it sooner. :P

On Tuesday, at 9, I went for a morning walk with Jenny, in the rain. So this brings us to the final point of agenda as it were. We talked about Hannah's party and those fateful goings on, how fake friendship seemed wrong to her, and Jordan and George.
From what I can gather, she didn't ever want to tell me about the kiss. She wanted Jordan to do it. Which I can't decide if it is cowardly, smart, or just indecisive. Whatever. I just know that she didn't want to tell me. Which is understandable.
She also explained how she felt guilty about being friendly with me, even if I knew. Because it happened, and she knew it was wrong. And however many times people say it, the Hollie thing I did was just not the same.
I also think I've cleared up the Jordan-stealing situation, as well as clarifying the George thing. So things there have finally been sorted out, and I feel much better about that too.
So now I still don't know where I stand with her, friendship wise, but I have a better explanation of why she's been distant. Whether this talk will affect how close we become again, I don't know. Probably not. But at least we've discussed it a little. Though we still have so much to talk about.
We also talked about the other girls in the bench. And she finally confirmed that they talk about me. Now all I need to find out is about what, and then how to fix what they think needs fixing. I know it seems a little ?shallow? of me, but I can't stand not living up to standards people have set. It makes me feel bad about myself, and then my self esteem plummets and takes ages to get back up to where it was. And, god, I hate that people talk behind my back. And I hate when people give me death glares. But what I hate even more is people pretending to be nice to me and then stabbing me later. I'll come back to this point in a bit.

The rest of the morning was me procrastinating until Jonnys party, which was nice. It was bowling. I did pretty well on the first game, came second. But the second game was shit. Oh well. I was having fun with the guys at the pool table. It was because I was on a team with the girls. And apart from Anna, I have been told they all bitch about me. That said, they were all smiling, apart from Cheryl, and giving me compliments and acting completely normal. It was so bizzare and it's like the Double Bind effect. I can't ask what they really mean by their comments, it's taboo, and I don't know what they're really meaning with their actions. What do they really think of me? I'd actually prefer it if they were all like Cheryl. At least I'd know where they stand. :/
So yeah, went back to Jonnys. Listened to the mindless chatter as per usual, and had a little sing-a-long with the Axis of Awesome before heading off home at 7:45
Then Jordan and I had a shower. It was a truly wonderful shower. ;) messed around a little.
Went to the cinema to see the Hangover part 3, and brought Greg along with us.
Got home and messed around a little more. Including with Jordan's present for me, which I must say, is brilliant. :P
Eventually, we were both too tired to do anything else and Jordan left for his own bed.

Wednesday morning Jordan and I slept in til about 10, and I'm pretty sure we made too much noise, but no one has commented so I'm not saying anything.
Spent the rest of the morning procrastinating and stuff til my psychology tutor arrived at 2:30
Then I went and relaxed in the guest room and started planning for the 22nd. *evil smirk*
Started trying to blog and then....

Stuff

So I haven't blogged in a while.

Nothing much has happened.

Exams are coming up.

I had a brief spell of feeling really happy. Like really happy. It was while it was sunny. So perhaps that had something to do with it? Anyways. That was the briefest of light within all sorts of darkness.

I cut myself again an awful lot. 9 times. But they're alright now, I don't notice them as much. Jordan notices them all the time. Meh.

The sun came out again today. It's lifted my spirits slightly. But not enough to make me feel more than indifferent. Though I suppose it's better than feeling miserable....

I admitted my love for Jordan at ifes party at kids kingdom actually. So that's a thing. And I know I can't take it back and all that, but it's going to make it so much harder now if we break up at uni. Because admitting it to him is admitting it to myself. And I've found myself relying on him a lot more recently.

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Relapse. Crappy crap crap.

God. Today was just the worst.

I was basically torn apart by Mrs. Kirke
And on top of that, I started crying in front of her and it just sucked.
and then I started over thinking everything. just all of the things I'm insecure about. My friendship worries and paranoia mixed with the fear of making my rentals angry or disappointed and it just got a bit too much.
I cut myself again. nine times. nine freaking cuts that I'm going to have to hide for the next couple of weeks. its extremely sucky. I just hope I'm not working this week because my work uniform probably wont cover them. :/

God. I need to pull myself together. I had a good cry today though. so I hope things will be enough. Meh.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Ranting. So much ranting. :/

So.... I've recently been looking at past blog posts, amongst 'other' writings.....

Let me divulge.

So I've just been reading about the times when Jordan was a little bitch. All the time. I've read about him cursing me and bitching about me, and given this was in the past, I sat there and laughed. I was when I started making connections with similar things happening now. For example, him getting "distracted" by Hannah on our 6th form induction when he was in a relationship. Okay, I accept that he's a guy and I know that she has certain assets which she refuses to cover up, but still, I shouldn't still have deja vu when I think of him interacting with her.

And to make things a little worse, he lies to me. Like a lot. And he seems so certain in his answers I actually believed him and thought I was just a terrible girlfriend because I seemed to be the only one doing the wrong things. And I do a lot of them, bitch about him, I've kissed another person, and well....

Ahem. I did a bad thing. A very bad thing. And I wish I could blame it on my paranoia, but honestly I was just extremely curious. So yeah, I logged onto his FB account. And read a message. It was only one set of messages, I hasten to add, and I didn't mean to read more than a couple of lines, but they were bitching about me.... So.... You know, I felt like I needed to read on, even though i knew it was wrong. He and Hannah were discussing an upcoming party and Hannah was talking about Joel coming and mentioning how Joel is obsessed with me and Jordan got upset about that comment, and he said;

"Nah, you just put the cherry on top of the cake.
Trust me, I'll just hang with you guys in the earl."

And I suppose that was excusable because Joel doesn't hide his affection for me and he would probably be fighting for my attention, but it's what he said next in reply to Hannah offering to take Joel away from me to remove the temptation and so Jordan could be with me....;

"The temptation for what? He has to get in line.
Hollie, then Ollie and then Joel."

Which, from what it looks like, Hannah now thinks that I have cheated on Jordan with all three of them. Or at least the first two. And it's just like, I read this, and thought 'but when I ask him, he says he never bitches about me ever' so I thought this may have been after I first asked him so he wasn't actually lying to me, so I skyped him and asked him the same question. Several times, in many different ways. I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me basically. And the answer was always negative. So.... Either he doesn't remember this conversation with Hannah (and the various others later on which I will discuss in a second) or he is just lying to me.
And so we continue. In the next section of the conversation he actually proves that he's lied to me a little bit. Basically, I remember when we were talking (obviously at the same time as him having this conversation) and he said he'd only been bitching about me and Hollie, when he says to Hannah;

"Just so you know, I told Jen I bitched about her to you about Hollie only."
To which Hannah replied: "Okay, that's cool, I'll just lie my ass off if asked."

So.... That's another time when I was lied to.

[And don't even get me started on the whole HOllie business...... >_>]

So this next section, I bitch about both of them. Think of this as a transition of bitchness. Okay. So in Hannah's defence, at the beginning, Hannah is generally alright. Hannah is joking about Sheldon having better legs than her. And then shes talking about having withdrawal symptoms for him and thats okay because you can have that with a friend and then they discuss parties.... but then talk of suits and HIMYM comes up and they're talking about wearing suits and dresses. And from then on, Jordan is just saying all of these really inappropriate things about her;

J: "I know but still, when did you last wear a suit"
H: "I don't have to, as a girl I have to wear matching bra and panties and sun dresses."
J: "or we could leave the dress in the wardrobe"
LIKE WHAT? I mean, yeah it's a small joke, but you don't suggest that your friend just wear underwear around you. Especially when your girlfriend has said several times that she is intimidated by said friends body. Anyways, we continue;
H: "but my sun dress is so pretty and I can't wear a bra with it, so I can't do the whole matching thing"
(Obviously griping for attention, because you don't have to mention not wearing a bra after someone has suggested you take your dress off.)
J: "Then we take it off later."
OKAY MISTER. One time, I could deal with, but the second time is just pushing it. You don't carry a joke on like this. You make a small joke, and then you leave it. You don't carry on suggesting she take her clothes off for you.
H: "We?"
J: "Fine I'll do it myself"
WHAT THE FUCK?! That isn't even suggesting anything anymore! When is that appropriate to say to a friend? And when you have a girlfriend too? And Hannah actually picks up on this;
H: "actually it was your involvement I was questioning"
J: "Fine strip tease"
Okay so this comment had me fuming, but the next couple of messages left me wanting to tear my hair out.

H: "are you going back on what you recently said?"
J: "huh?"
H: "doesn't matter"
J: "no tell meh"
H: "last time I saw you, you called off all our pacts and said nothing would ever happen between us, now you are talking about strip teases, but my jokes with drunk Jordan's ramblings are no fun when you don't remember"
Right, so this basically confirms that the above comments were jokes, yes I knew that, but they were still inappropriate things to say in general. What irked me was that they had "pacts" for stuff like that in the first place. And apparently they've only just been broken off. Mentioned often (I've walked into conversations when they were talking about them at school but never really understood what they were about. Now the connection has been made.) and stopped a year after he got a girlfriend. It just irritates me, is all, because Hannah just loves attention and this is definitely the sort of attention from guys that she likes the most. So it continues;

J: "I felt bad"
See, that's nice right? I felt bad about the pacts. Was it bad about me though?
H: "felt bad?"
J: "for David"
Great. I'm not even mentioned.
H: "?"
J: "I don't know I was drunk but we can put them back on"
He said WHAT? I just.... Gah!
H: "doesn't bother me, glad to see you worked things out with Jenni though :)"
So Hannah then brings our relationship up. Great. I didn't realise we'd had big problems. Let alone spoken to her about them.

J: "Well to be fair, I don't know weather we will go all the way to uni or before I go off to Europe or what"
Right, so I read this and honestly felt relieved. Because I've been having these thoughts as well and I thought that if we could both talk about why we both thought this, perhaps we could sort those things out and then we'd have a stronger relationship, so I skyped him and just asked him outright whether he honestly thought we were going to last to uni. He said "yes definitely". Right. So back to square one about us both having doubts. Me voicing mine and him staying quiet, meaning we can't actually fix anything. Great. Meh, the conversation continued;

H: "why?"
J: "she isn't my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz" (which means lifelong whatsitmadoodle or something) but yeah, so he doesn't think we are gonna last because we're not soul mates or something >_> fuck that. Who even believes in true love at our age? Really?

H: "and I know what you mean, uni makes everything so much different, the distance is hard, but if you are meant to be it works out"
J: "me and her have to little in common"
H: "can I ask a question, between us, and you can choose not to answer it"
"Why are you together then, I mean if you have nothing in common, then what do you talk about"
J: "I didn't say nothing. We do find stuff to talk about when we are together and we could talk like this for ages on Skype or fb but since before exams in January, before Christmas she has changed, I have realised"
H: ":(, don't tell people I ask though, don't want to look bitchy or anything, I was just curious"
So yeah, I must admit, I have changed. My paranoia has increased, my depression resurfaces occasionally and I'm generally more unstable. But I didn't realise it affected him that much. I keep it under control for most of the time. That's another thing we need to talk about. But whenever I give him the opportunity to say something, he doesn't, so I have no idea of what I can do without bringing up that I saw these conversations. :/

So he then went on to say this;

J: "Did you know that Jen is scared about hurting me
Well for now"
H: "hurting you how?"
J: "well emotionally I guess"
H: "you guess? And emotionally in what way?"
J: "well say if we broke up, she thinks no one at the bench will like her"
Now this. This I disagree with. For one, this is a different topic to hurting him, this is about the break up in general. Two, I said things would be awkward because sides would be taken and a divide would be created between me and the people who are friends with him more. And that's not the only reason I don't want to break up with him in any case! For one. I actually like him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. And I do, well did, trust him so much. He's a great guy, but it's these little things that get on my nerves. He's making me seem like the bad guy to people, further isolating me from the people who used to be my best mates. I just don't think that's very fair, even if it's not intentional, because Hannah then has a further warped opinion of me.
H: "that's not so much of worried about hurting you though... And I'm sure shed still have friends, though I guess it would be like Marshall and Lilly getting divorced to a certain extend.......
.......... And I'm not sure there wouldn't be an unintentional divide for a bit"
J: "yeah? Who would she have?"
H: "the artsy people, jono
Etc"
J: "meh. Anyway what's this I hear a out you looking for a fuck buddie"
^^^^^^^^right. So this little piece of information was speculation. Joel and I were trying to decipher what she meant by several actions and messages, which resulted in Joel coming to the conclusion that she wanted a fuck buddy. Now, I disclosed this information offhandedly to Jordan whilst painting his room, but I don't understand why he said it so matter-of-factly when it wasn't confirmed at all?! O.o who just goes up to someone and asks if they want a fuck buddy and then proceeds to explain exactly where they got the information, naming all names? God, and again, Hannah dislikes me even more because of him and its just entirely ruined my friendship with her. Period. Basically isolating me from people even more, because Hannah is the queen bee of the bench and if she has a grudge, most of the people in the group agree with her. :/


Right so the next, and final, bit is just me ranting about pet names.
Hannah and Jordan are constantly messaging one another with things like "honey", "Hun", "love", "babe" etc at the beginning or end of their messages. And yeah it might be just a friendly thing. It more than likely is. But it's the fact that he calls me the same things. I know this is totally paranoid, but I feel like he compares me to people. Meh. I read into things way too much. But what's mostly affecting me is the lying. How often does it happen? And when is it going to stop?

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

FUCK.

*edit* Just to clarify, it was a good fuck. I was happy. 

Reminiscent.

Spent the evening reading really old posts. Like June before USA old. It was.... enlightening. And I found out that I feel almost exactly the same now as I did then. Nice to know I've grown and changed into a happier, better, less shallow person!

I need to cheer up goddamnit.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

In regards to the previous post...

AAAAAAAAAAAAnd, it ruined my chocolate day. Thanks a lot.

What the fuck?

I have no idea what I've done wrong. Seriously. This was posted:

So, let me get this straight. You think that I waited til you were out of the library so that I could attract Lukes attention and sabotage your relationship. Ah, no. You are just delusional. 

When Cheryl left the library, I was hung up on trying to figure out why she would say those sorts of things about me. And it got me thinking. If Cheryl talks about me behind my back, what if other people are too? I mean, it's to be expected right? Especially now this has come to light. I know that Hannah gives me evils, I've caught her, but that's only recently really (thanks to some people...). Jenny must too. She supports what Cheryl is saying in these posts for some reason. - (I know this fact because she commented on the first post. Though she deleted her first comment.....

) And Sophie must dislike me too, seeing as she's good friends with all three girls mentioned here. And if they do talk about me, what do they talk about? Do they talk about how flawed my personality is? Do they bitch about how I "treat" Jordan or how I "flirt" with other guys? Does it stop there? Or do they start talking about how much I'm attention seeking (jenny mentioned that when we were talking about cutting) and how my life choices are all wrong? How many others would agree with them? Am I really that much of a bitch, because the more I think about it, the more I start to believe it to be honest. I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but I really can't help it. I hate people talking behind my back, when they don't have the guts to say it to my face, and it's making my really insecure. I don't go out of my way to be mean to people. In fact, at school I go out of my way to avoid people to be honest. Is that where I'm going wrong? Meh. I digress.... A lot. Anyway, I was busy ranting about all of the above and somewhere along the line I must've started crying because the next thing I know, Luke is crouching down beside me asking me what's wrong. I explained a little bit, but kept it short because I knew that he was risking getting moaned at by Cheryl if she found out he was talking to me. Anyways, he suggested I talk to her and walked off.

Later, Cheryl was moaning at him about something (probably about talking to me...) and as soon as I noticed, I walked out of the library to my exam room. I entered that room more distracted and more shaken than I've ever entered any exam and I know I failed. What makes it worse is that I know I could've done better, but I let my feelings and insecurities get the better of me, because that's what happens. Fuck. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

P.S. Spoke to Jenny briefly before the exam. She suggested Cheryl's just scared. I agree, but its a mild form of paranoia rather than being scared, if anything because she's making stupid things up. And even if you were scared, why would you get that angry about nothing? O.o

People.

Last night I read a blog post from a friend.... Well, I thought she was my friend, but after reading, perhaps not. I don't understand what I did wrong, that's the problem. She lists all of these things about me that is pissing her off, but I don't actually agree with any of them. They're really not true, and it sucks that she's so confused by her rage tinted glasses that she can't see that.

http://chezilla.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/dear-you.html <------ the post... Btw.

So she says I'm "suggestive" towards other guys. I'm sorry, but when I'm at school I hardly talk to people, and when I do it's usually with several bags and a book inbetween us. Unless she can't understand jokes.... I really have no idea what she means.
The only guy I physically touch other than hugging is Jono, and he's not even a very close friend. He just comforts me when I'm upset about something in my frees. He sits on my lap and plays on his iPod. Or visa versa. That's hardly suggestive. It's not like I give him a lap dance and play with his crotch! That would suggest something, yeah, but I don't! (Ew, just no. Ugh.)

Then, apparently I "crossed lines" at a friends birthday party with Luke (her boyfriend) and another guy. I'm sorry, but I hung out with Hollie and Jordan all evening so I have no idea what she's on about here. There was one point where, earlier in the evening, Hollie had kissed Luke's feet because he was suggesting he was the Messiah and then later Hollie suggested I do the same when he said the same thing (because she thought it would be weird to do it twice) which I did, and it was all very funny and Hollie and I did our odd highfive thing and we thought nothing of it. However, later in the week, Luke came up to me and told me 'certain people' thought my behaviour towards him was unacceptable. I freaking kissed his feet. As a joke! God. He also said I couldn't ruffle his hair anymore because according to her it was too 'affectionate'. I did it to every person I walk past when I say hi. It's just a habit. (One which since then I have broken.)

What really pissed me off though, is that she said I couldn't speak to Luke. It's all very well saying I can't speak to her again, I'd be fine with that. But it's that she's making decisions for Luke and trying to stop our friendship, and I don't want that, because I value our friendship. We help one another out. We sit next to each other in biology for fucks sake, I can't very well ignore him. I don't have many good friends, and I'm not going to drop one because I got told to by a freaking psycho bitch. Ghdwnvdainvdipanvdowinvoidaoinviondapnivdaionvoids. Extraordinarily pissed off with her right now. UFBODANIOVDAV.

Okay. Calm. Seriously though. She can fuck off.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Easter.

The holidays have been pretty good. And a few highlights are as follows. Between revision I managed to....:

Go to a party
Paint Smurfs room
Have an epic movie night of epicosity with Milly and Stark
Visits Emily
Go on a date
Go to a fundraiser
And finally have another epic movie night of awesomeness with my two besties.
Oh and find out that there is a high likelihood of me having twins. Wonderful.

All in all it was pretty good, me thinks.

I can eat chocolate in two days!!!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Music.

WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU ENJOY THE MUSIC. BUT WHEN YOU'RE SAD, YOU UNDERSTAND THE LYRICS.

Music is such a big deal to me and it's such a big part of my life. If I didn't have music,,,, well, I don't know where i'd be but i know I wouldn't be happy.

For me, music is something I can use to channel all of my thoughts and feelings into something beautiful and meaningful, rather than something destructive (which is what I used to do). And even if the lyrics aren't always what I personally feel, if they are from the lyricists heart, then i can truly appreciate them in the same way.

This is why, when some people insult my music tastes I just get so annoyed, because even if they don't agree with me, they don't have to point it out and try to make me "see it their way" because I don't want to. The purity of listening to some meaningful songs is just tainted as soon as someone draws attention to a part of it and voices their own thoughts. It means when I listen to that part, at times, it doesn't help me any more. And that, in a way, hurts. Those people don't realise the impact they make. But it matters.

Music just makes me so happy. When I'm singing along to my iPod and an unexpected favourite song comes on, I literally can't help but smile. And those smiles are always genuine. More often that not now-a-days my smiles are forced or not always at their full capacity, but blasting music way too loud on my speakers just makes me ecstatic.

I want the other people in my life to realise just how much it means to me. But I can't explain it that well. I've never been any good with words. I just hope that one day, people will realise what music means to me. And perhaps even start to agree with me about music. Because there are only a couple of people who I can actually talk about music with. And those people are the ones I can relate to the best. I feel like we understand each other. I wish I could have that connection with..... Certain people.

Meh. I'm getting too into this post. I'm going to shut up now.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Stressing

I can't deal with everything right now.
The pressure is just building and I can just feel myself teetering on the edge. Right on the brink. And I don't want to jump, but I don't know whether I have the choice to go back.

I'm slowly losing it. Losing my composure. Losing my mask. Losing my judgement.

Today I actually shouted at a teacher. I have never let my anger show in public like that before, but I just can't help it.
Then after school I literally lay face down on a table for ten minutes and refused to move. I was bickering with myself in my head as I rode round and round on the bike, and apparently my face was so blank that none of the girls wanted to confront me. It was only after I snapped out of it that they tried to talk to me.
And I was scratching my arms too. Full out scraping at my skin, just to keep myself composed.

I'm freaking losing it.

I need to stop stressing out and calm down.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Mind Games

God... I am just screwed up.
I have actually started having pretty rough conversations with myself again.
Do other people argue with themselves out loud? That's something I'm going to have to look into.
Perhaps I should get checked out? Eh. Just. I need to sort out my mind.

I was literally feeling sick last night because I convinced myself of really stupid things. And a rational part of my mind was like "Nah, that can't be true, there's no logic here." But then the other part was just so.... convincing that I literally felt I had no choice but to believe it, until I did the rational thing and confirmed that I was just lying to myself by asking said parties involved.

This "trick" that I played on myself was not helped by another thought which decided to push its' way forward again.
I really hate being talked about. Even if its about good things.... I just hate it. Whether I'm in the room or if its behind my back, I feel as though talking about me brings too much attention upon me. I really would prefer to just go along for the rest of my school life without talking to anyone and getting on with the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be bothered if everyone I know at school (bar a couple of individuals... maybe) just stopped talking to me. I really wouldn't.
So last night, when I started thinking that people were talking about me behind my back, I felt extremely vulnerable. I would really prefer it if people who have a problem with me would just tell me themselves and get it over and done with, even if it's going to offend me, I really would rather know. For example, a friend came up to me on Friday and said "You can't ruffle my hair when you go past any more, or do any other thing which shows your 'affection' for me, because some people don't like it when you do. Sorry." and then they just walked off. I know exactly who they were talking about. And I hate that said person didn't tell me to "back off" as such themselves. Urgh. But yeah, I'm going to just talk to people this week and ask them to just say what they need to say and then have it out there. (N.B. That includes you Smurfadoodle, be ready because I'm really curious as to what it is about me that annoys you. Just saying....)

So yeah, I think that rant is done for this evening...

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Emotionability

I've been in a really odd mood all day. Like I was speaking to my cousin after the drama trip and I realised. If I went away, like, tomorrow, and I never got to see anyone from school again, I wouldn't really miss anyone. Apart from Jordan. And Luke. I'd miss more people outside of school though, and I think that may be because I actually choose to be friends with them, wheras most of the people at the bench, I'm friends with them by associations. Or I used to be close to them, but they became closer to others in the group and we drifted apart. I just. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to get through these years and start again. Find some new people. Stay in touch with the people I want to stay in touch with, and be a new person. The one I want to be. Not something that society says I should be. And in a new environment I think I'll have the confidence to do that. Probably.


Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Two posts in one evening, I must be having an emotional thing tonight.

Eating Disorders

Just realised why I'm less stressed recently.

I am literally eating my stress away. And that is an extremely bad thing. I have gained a lot of weight in the past month. And I mean a lot. Too much to be healthy.
I kept a food diary and my food intake is way above average. So... That's a thing. And I'm not too sure what to do about it either.
For one I should probably start exercising more. Two, I should probably stop eating for a while. Unfortunately, again, there is the issue of mother monitoring my food intake, so until I move away, I can't. Which sucks. Because I really can't afford to put on any more weight. :/ most of my jeans are now too small for me. Which in turn is making me feel more depressed. The stress to cover up my unhappiness is therefore increasing and so... Dun dun dun. I eat more. Fuck that.

I need to sort out my life.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!


Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Nights to Remember :)

The past few nights have been awesome. :)


Thursday night was the 6th Form party and that was great fun. Went as the Joker, Shelly and I had a bottle of rum between us, so we were happy. The club even played some decent music for once, so that was also pretty cool about the night. It was just a really great atmosphere this time. Got back with Emily at 1:30 and washed the green out of my hair before going straight to sleep. I loved it. :)


Friday night was even better, i think. I picked Joel up from his and cooked pizza. Got ready for the party (after he helped me sort out that bloody dress. Those loops are just too fiddly. >_>), and set off at about 6:30.

Stayed sober til about 10, and it was a little awkward to begin with because I couldn't dance, and I didn't really talk to anyone, I just hung around Joel. Still, started drinking and loosened up a bit. Made friends with Lauren, because we both had the same taste in music. Raved a little to Evanescence and Elvis before moving on to my ipod and playing literally all of my favourite artists, including MCR, Paramore, Busted, McFly, Britney Spears, Bon Jovi, All Time Low, The Monkees, The Rasmus, Slipknot and even all of my T.V. Themes. :D It was epical!!!!

Then music was turned back to the shitty club music but I didn't really mind because we went into the other lounge (they had two O.o) and played some lonely island until we had to be quiet (around 2:30ish). Then everyone began talking about school, so Matthew and I sat in the corner and discussed our old school friends, with comments from Joel every now and then. :P So yeah, eventually the conversation simmered down to telling jokes and making fun of one another. It was really awesome. Eventually fell asleep on the sofa around half 4.

Woke up the next morning and drifted in and out of sleep until 8 when I needed pee. :P How ladylike. So yeah. My seat was taken and so I got all my stuff together and talked with people out in the hall whilst sorting out the crick in my neck. :/ Once my car was un-blocked, I left. (That was around 10).


Got in and went straight to bed again. Woke up around 12:30 and checked on le brother before getting something to eat and sorting out the mess in the kitchen. Then I read until I needed to sort out dinner preparation stuffs. Set off at about 4:45 to collect Smurf from work.

Took him home and we snuggled for a while before playing on the ps3. His cousin arrived and we had dinner. His father left and then we watched Step Up and Hitch. I left at around Half 11.

Went straight to sleep when I got in (at around midnight) and I was absolutely shattered.


This is a reminder to never go out 3 nights in a row. It wears you out too much!!! :P


So yeah, I left all my work till this evening. Now i've got to try to finish my psychology, drama, art and blodge homework by tomorrow. NIGHTMARE!!!


Over and out,


Gloves. xx

Okay Wait.

Okay wait.


That last post was complete and utter CRAP. On the relationship thing anyway. I was just tired. And I failed to mention the amazing things about him. How he's improved my life massively since I've been with him. The fact that he's one of the best friends that someone could possibly have. I've known him properly for like 3 years. Probably 4. And he is like,.... The best. He's constantly making me smile, even when I'm a shitty mood. Puts up with my shitty moods in fact. And he notices when I'm unhappy (most of the time), even if I disregard his statement with a smile and a well practiced reassuring statement. I don't know why I don't tell him I'm unhappy to be honest. I trust him, most of the time. Probably because I have the littlest doubt. Bleh, I just reeeeeaally hate what I said about him. I might edit that post actually. I was horrible, and a bitch. Fuck. I just like him too damn much. But I know our relationship is almost certainly not going to last through uni. I just can't deal with long distance. And I hate that, because I want it to last. Even to like where he is now. If I didn't see him at school every day, I doubt we would have lasted this long, because I wouldn't be able to cope with not seeing him often. I don't know. Ive never really tried a relationship outside of school (apart from tony... But that was a weird time for me) and I just feel I wouldn't like it. I'm going to give the uni thing a go, of course. Unless he dumps me after these posts.... But I don't want us to break up and then be on bad terms with one another. If we broke up, I couldn't deal with losing him as a friend. But I know he holds grudges to a certain extent. So.... That would be tough too I suppose. Meh. I love him. All of his personality flaws (like complaining about mine in a insensitive way) make him who he is, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He is brilliant. Really brilliant. I just can't express that to his face too often, unfortunately. Meh.

I feel like im suffocating.

I feel like im suffocating. 

Like when you get that closed up throat feeling, and you're struggling to breathe like your heart is stuck in your throat. And I don't know why. 

It could be due to the fact that its late. 

But maybe it's because I personally feel suffocated in my life.

I'm going to become a physiotherapist. It's never going to be something I love with all my heart.

I'd much rather be an actor (but I didn't go to enough drama clubs and things for that) or someone who works in art, designing stuff. Getting all creative and shit. Or something in music. Because being able to express my feelings in songs that people would know I wrote would be awesome. But I struggle to put the words I feel to music. So the on,y way that would happen if I wasnt the lyricist in the band. And if I could find people with the same passion as me. And the same taste in music. That would be awesome. But that's not going to happen either. Instead, I'm going to be mocked for my individuality and sense of style by my family and my boyfriend and hardly ever be understood. Which is a really scary thought. I want to ignore that, but I just physically can't.its like, my brother will go out of his way to get to me, and I let him wind me up. He always wins. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being ridiculed. I'm sick of being like I'm expected to be. I'm just constantly judged. I even feel judged by my boyfriend, even if he's not, I just... I'm never going to be perfect. I go through phases of emo, goth, punk, hippy, back to emo, and no one appreciates why I do that. I'm trying to find that one style that I really belong in, and every time I try something new, I'm ridiculed for it. And I JUST WANT TO BE FREAKING LEFT ALONE. I want to dress the way I dress without my brother, or mother or boyfriend or friends questioning it or telling me I look retarded or something. Same with what music I listen to.

I don't have the same music tastes as anyone I know, apart from perhaps Hollie. And it really bugs me that I'm "labelled" as soon as I tell someone the genres I listen to. I like most music, but some music really speaks to me. I can relate to the lyrics and I fell like I belong in those few moments the music is playing. God, it's just, the rush that I get when I listen to music is incredible. Like, I get all shaky and feel like I just need to jump and run and scream, and all of that energy is just left buzzing around me and its just brilliant. I should probably channel it into something like running to be honest though,because otherwise it's just bottled up into like anger or some other tiresome emotion that needs energy. And that's not always a good thing, because then I really do scream. Or do stupid shit that I really regret.

God. I just. Life is and I think has always been really complicated with me when deciding on what I want. The choices I make are nearly always the wrong ones, and I never understand why that is. I make mistakes and never learn why, so I make them over and over. And I can't seem to change. Like there are flaws in my personality and I know that and I try to change,but I also know that I will never be able to.and that bugs me a lot, because I want to make the people who get annoyed by these flaws happy. And I can't do that when I'm doing something they can't stand. And when they mention it, I feel like they're judging me for my flaws, and not noticing anything else about me. And with my paranoid mind, that never ends well. I always get pissed off with them for things like that, but I also know that it's me that I'm annoyed with. I'm not perfect, and in a vain way, I want to be, because then no one would judge me, or call me names or compare me to other people.


I need to talk about all of this crap with the people. But I can never identify the right moment to do so. It's like, I am never going to be ready to pour out my feelings to a persons face, it will always be cyberly. Because that's all I'm comfortable with. I need time to think and process my replys, becuaee if I don't, I say the wrong thing and everything goes to the shit. I don't even know what this is about now. I need to man up and stop crying and stop moaning about my life to myself and just admit to my flaws I suppose. Fuck! Why do I still feel like shit?! I thought telling myself all of this would help but obviously not.

I think im having relationship issues, though I don't really know. It's 2 hours past valentines day and I just admitted that to myself. Fuck that. What is a relationship supposed to be like? I don't even know why I think I have issues, I've just seen every other person in a relationship, and those people have stuff in common. Stuff thry can talk about. I can barely think of anything anymore. I don't really watch dr who anymore. Or misfits. I don't watch HIMYM. I rarely watch BBT. We have different tastes in music. Different dress senses (really different, and he comments onthat a lot which pisses me off. same with the personality flaws thing but im not going to bring thst up again now). Different religious views. I have no idea about politics, nor do I care. We have really different opinions on drugs, so much so we literally cannot talk about it without fighting. It's just, I list all of these flaws and I just see how awkward it all is. The problem is, I really do like him. I just have no idea why....


Perhaps I just like the IDEA of him. Maybe that's it, I just don't want to be lonely. That is like my darkest fear, loneliness. Worse than the dark. Or vampires. Lonliness. That thought sickens me to my core, I can't even stomach it. And talking about this is now making me feel even worse than before. Not better. Fucking hell I am a fuck up of nature. I don't even know what I want.

I like him, or the idea of him, actually no, scrap that. That's just retarded. I like him way more than just as an idea. Yeah fuck all the above shit. I've admitted to myself that I love him several times. I just backtrack on myself a lot and question it. I do that a lot. Question things. I should stop doing that too. That always fucks up my brain so bad. But yeah. I love him and shit. I just need to be more,,,, solid in my thoughts on that, and listing out the negatives in our relationship is a bad thing to do. I mean, we have common things like....

We like watching movies. And mean girls.

And smurfs. (Even though they do get onmy nerves a lot actually)

And other stuff that I can't think of right now.

Probably.

I don't think it helps that I get jealous of him easily. He's got loads of close friends. I can't stay close to people. I always find a way to distance myself before I get too connected. I could go all psychological on this now but i won't. Too late (well, early) to do work like that. I need to stop the whole pushing thing though, because I complain that he's really good friends with people, but it's not like I make an effort to do things like that. Bu yeah, just small things, like when he goes off with the physics or maths people and they all share a inside joke and then they notice me and try to explain it, but it's never going to allow me to be included. I just get more confused, and they look at me like im less intelliget. that doesnt bither me so much actually, i am less intelligent. but the factthat my boyrpfriend doubts my intellectusl abilities in the oast kindof hurts a little. i mean, i wouldnt just make up things like that, just to make him like me more or something. but yeah, and then as soon as I say something about art or drama he's just like, whatever, and doesn't even pretend to give a shit about what I enjoy. Fuck. I'm not moaning about him, I am moaning about myself, that happens to involve bits of him. I love him just as much for all of his annoying bits too. But I wish sometimes that he'd just grow up and talk with me that he's annoyed about. Not just bitch to other people, or tell me when he's drunk, or bitch to other people when he's drunk. JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT. God. Maturity. Plus, He moans at me for not being "good" anymore. I mean, he said I'd changed after I came back from France. And since then he's just complained about my personality. I'm not perfect, I cut. I dress weirdly. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and I do drugs occasionally. That description is like the typical teenager nowadays. So why is he complaining? Really?

Right. I am done now. I am feeling even sicker than before and this has not made me feel any better. I've cried whilst writing this for fucks sake. That's just unbelievable. Why would I get emotional over my words? I only get emotional about other people's words. Usually lyrics. Fuck I need music. Something to make this shitty feeling go away.

Of course, I know exactly what would make this better. But I have promised my boyfriend that I would refrain from doing it. And it's not drugs, it's the other thing. And I have the biggest urges to just go ahead right now because it is the only thing I can think of to make me feel better. I am literally shaking at the thought, hands. Too. Juddery. To type. Thank fuck for autocorrect.

So yeah, instead, ill play sudoku.

Going to stop now, done, fin.

I've offended so many people in this thing. I don't know whether I should post this now.

My boyfriend will probably break up with me if he ever reads this. And it will break me if he does, but if course it's understandable. I've made it seem like I think he's a dick. And he's not. He's wonderful, we just don't have much in common and I hate that. I want us to have more in common and talk more. I would love that in fact. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to spchange. I don't know whether I WANT to change. Gkvkhfyifyikuv. Time will tell what happens. God, sometimes, I hate my splurges. At least I haven't cut myself. Or had an argument with myself. That was an eventful post.... Yeah. Really stopping now. I should probably sleep. It's 2:28 and I don't feel tired at all. Not even a little bit. That in itself is worrying. I don't want my insomnia to come back. That was like the lowest point in my life.

Perhaps I'm overreacting. (2:29) maybe I've just got the flu or something and in a couple of days ill be fine. Maybe I've got acting nerves for tomorrow. (2:30) well.... Today I suppose. My brain, Ahhh! I'm Jesus! God. I need more of those quotes like, all the hate goes to my dick. If I had one of course. (2:31) life just needs to calm now.

One more thing before I stop. I am incredibly insecure about my weight. And i really can't remember why. I think it's a mix of comments from my parents about my lack of excersise and the vast quantity of shit (hypothetical of course) which I shovel into my mouth. Like. I eat way too much for it to be good for me, and I can tell. I can only just fit into pairs of jeans which used to be loose on me, one pair I can't even fit in. The other reasons could be media I suppose. My brother, of course. People telling me I'm not fat actually. Both the "you're fat" and "you're not fat" statements get to me. Probably becuase they're mentioning my weight? I don't even know. I just know that the context is irrelevant. If my weight is mentioned, I feel insecure. And if anyone touches my legs in the wrong way, that makes me insecure too. I'm just way too insecure for my own good. I wish I could just stop eating for a while. Like last time, only this time have my mom not find out. I haven't thought about that in ages. Then again, year 11 seems ages ago anyways, and I have a pretty shit memory so,,,. Bleh. If I could get away with it, I would stop eating tomorrow. Or today. After sleep! Whatever. I don't care about times anymore. (Though btw, 2:38)


Okay, well this has been a rant and a half, plus another couple of halfs. Bleh. Fuck life. Fuck society.


Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Stand up for what you believe in. Even if it means standing alone.