Fuck.

I'm gonna relapse. I know it. It's gonna happen soon. I hate feeling like this. I'm waiting for it to happen. I'm so stupid. 

Stressed.

I think the stress is getting to me. 

The only thing that seems to make me better now is distraction. Yesterday at dance I wasn't worrying about anything other than the steps we were learning and it was really refreshing. Even if I was absolutely shattered yesterday and really hated myself for going afterwards it was sortof worth it. The alternative would have been sitting in my room crying on and off for no reason. Which sucks by the way. It feels like I can't control my own emotions sometimes. I panic and start crying at random moments when I'm on my own. I think it's because I overthink things. I'm worrying about my workload at placement and the responsibility that's being put on me and I'm questioning my decisionmaking skills and trying to organise my work when I get back. And on top of that I'm worrying about messing things up with Tom and getting things sorted with the house. And I still haven't done my essay. 

I keep having these dreams lately. And I'm really afraid of them actually coming true. But weirdly... I kindof want some of it to happen tbh. In this dream I have had for the last three nights I have a massive breakdown and just release all of my pent up stress and frustration at myself. Which I think would be great. If I can find a way to release it all without progressing to what happens next. Which is a relapse. A huge one. Like all over my arms and legs and not eating for weeks and generally becoming numb to everything and ignoring everyone and just getting on with everything on my own for months on end. A bit like what happened in year 12. Only shittier. Because I lose everyone close to me and this time round I actually care about them. And that's why I'm trying to hold my shit together. I haven't relapsed even a little bit and to be honest I'm quite proud of myself for that :) 

Yesterday I was meant to meet up with Tom but because of things that happened on the ward I couldn't and that sucked. Had a slight panic attack on the way to dance about nothing and everything but dance took my mind off things which was good. Accidentally cried in front of my mother which was a little bit of suck because she has enough on her mind right now. But yeah. Had a reasonably early night. Though everyone in the house was being loud until I shouted. They're really annoying me lately actually because they expect me to do everything and just aren't being responsible or mature and I can't deal with their stupidity right now. 

Whatever. I'm supposed to be doing research at work right now so I'd better do that. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Unwanted, irrational feelings.

So I suppose a lot of things have happened recently.
And I want to say that everything's great all of the time.
Unfortunately things don't seem to work like that... And although the majority of things in my life are going well, like I'm in my second year of uni and haven't screwed it up yet, and I have a fantastic boyfriend who treats me like I'm the best thing in his life (besides golf and quidditch ;) ) even though I'm not too sure I deserve it (but he's always telling me that I am so I'm trying to raise my self esteem for his sake), and I'm friends with Jenny again, and all of this good stuff, but the thing is things in my mind are getting bad again.
I'm surrounded by so much cheerfulness and affection and general good and somehow I'm can't help but feel sad. And that makes me pissed off at myself. I should be feeling the best I have in a long time, things are wonderful. Yet every time I have a good day, three bad ones follow. It might just be a sad feeling that grows and fades throughout the day that I can blame on the stress of university and classes and stuff. Or sometimes I wake up feeling utterly shite and tired and grouchy and by the end of the day all I want to do is sleep forever. It could be that something happens that makes me feel bad about myself, like I snap at my friends or I can't fit in a pair of jeans and my first thought is to throw up my breakfast. At least I have a reason for feeling sad in those situations.
But sometimes it just hits me like a train. Like BAM and suddenly I'm numb and I can't feel anything and I'm just sad. Life is boring and I can't deal with anyone being emotional and people are annoying and I can't do anything about it because I don't know why I feel like that. Of course the simple thing to do in that situation would be to talk to someone about it. Tell them what I'm feeling and maybe I'd figure out what made me sad or maybe letting out something would get me feeling better. I'm an idiot though, and even when people say (multiple times I might add) "Are you doing okay?" "You look down, can I help?" or even "Please talk to me, I don't want you going through this on your own" I will always reply with something along the lines of "I'm fine, I'll talk to you later". Idiot. I know full well that talking will help and yet I refuse to seek out people and the comfort they offer. I could blame it on a childhood of bullying and overbearing parents with no concept of hugging but I should have learned by now that being around people is better than sitting alone, crying continuously, doing something and regretting it later. Ugh. I just hate myself. I want to be happy, and have so many reasons to be. I mean for one of the first times in my life someone significant to me seems happy to see me and treats me like they care all the time... So why the fuck am I still pushing people away and feeling sad?!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx