Sex

Just had sex on the beach. It was awesome. 

Though sand got in my toes during the experience. 

I'm not drunk. Honest. 

Now I'm gonna listen to music and read all night. 

Gah. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Bloody Hell

Mother Nature needs to calm her shit down and stop being such a fucking bitch. Fuck this. 

Fuck my life.

FUCK! 

Turkey Day 4

So, it's Day 4 in turkey and so far I've sunbathed, had a Turkish Bath, gone out for dinner, stayed in for dinner, gone shopping, listened to a shitload of music. And today we went to the Aquapark. :) 

It was awesome. Though at points my bikini top did slip up. After a while i just didn't care anymore. A few boobs were seen today. 

Met this really awesome guy. :) He was the lifeguard for one of the best slides so after a load of goes, I went back to collect my sunglasses and top and we had a nice conversation. 

ate some candy floss and popcorn and pizza and chips and went back to the slides. There was this huge one and I went with milo because Greg was being a pussy. 

Greg then decided he wanted a go, so while they joined the queue I went back to the epic vertical/google slides. 

Had another chat with the lifeguard (who's name I cannot type at all). He's 19, in university studying..... I can't remember what, and this is his summer job. He's living in bodrom right now, but is actually from Istanbul. He likes my name and originally thought I was silly for not going on a vertical slide, but then I did and he gave me a round of applause. 

I lost the flower from my hair, but he blew his whistle to get my attention and said it was nice to meet you when I left.

It was awfully hot today as well. 

I'm gonna put on some after sun and listen to my favourite songs. 

I might Skype Jordan later, but I'm honestly not counting on him to answer. He's probably too busy drinking. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

But...

I love you, but I always feel like I'm embarrassing you and that in turn makes me question we are really meant for one another. I mean, whenever I wear something that expresses my emotions or is just odd it not normal in your eyes I never feel comfortable around you and I hate that because its just me and means I can't be myself around you because the real me embarrass you.

I love you, but I'm getting sick and tired of you asking the same question over and over again in a different format . Okay I get it, you want to have sex before uni but I can't give you that so if you want that then please go somewhere else and leave me to my old fashioned ways. Because the more I say no, the more I get scared you're gonna go behind my back and do it anyway. And I don't like those thoughts.

I love you, but I hate that I am so insecure about our relationship I can't help but think of every worst case scenario. You going off with another girl. Or guy if that's what you're into when you're drunk. And I get insanely jealous of these imaginary people and I get so mad at them and so mad at you and sometimes I give myself a time out so I can calm down and figure out which part of my thought processes are real and which ones I made up.

I love you, but I don't like feeling vulnerable. After you had pissed me off once I went and got piss drunk and high as I could with only four joints and that's a bad thing to do but it was something you hated me doing so I did it anyway and all the while we hung out I was weighing up the pros and cons of making out with her and i had a sort of epiphany. (What a joke, wild realisations when you're high.) so it was this. It doesn't make it any less wrong, or any less hurtful, or any less stupid, but thinking about Someone or making out with someone else when I'm pissed (in both senses of the word) protects my superego from getting hurt, and I convince myself it's okay, because if I don't do it first, then it will happen to me first. (And I always wonder that if I hadn't kissed Hollie that night, would you still have kissed Jenny? Becuase I want to believe you wouldn't, but a part of me thinks that it was inevitable that one of us would hurt the other like that. And it was only a matter of time. I just took the step first, which made me the bitch, rather than you. [which I think I prefer, becuase wronging you made it easier for everyone to hate me and like you more, so they stopped pretending with me and comforted you instead]). I didn't make out with her by the way. We looked at the light on the bridge and thought we were crossing through a portal into the next world like in northern lights.

I love you, but sometimes I just want to be free and be myself, and being with you somehow restricts that. (Don't ask me how. Let me get high a couple more times and ill get back to you.) wait, maybe that's it.

I love you, but you're so hypocritical it's unreal. Like, I know I am too, but that was in response to you being an absolute retard. (We still need to talk about that though. Not the depressing bits. More like how you found it, whether you knew how to take in the smoke or if you coughed or if you tripped or whited out etc. I'm curious. I bet you couldn't figure out how to take it in. Or when to stop when it got hot in the end. :P we should get high together sometines) but still. Doing it after that negative reaction, and still maintaining you wanted me to be upset and feel like shit. That's just really dickish. I won't censor when I get high now, because hiding it is hiding what I do and therefore who I am as a person. That restricts me as a person. You restrict me.

I love you, but sometimes i just get so tired of the shit that surrounds relationships. People always talk them down and whatever you do there's always some form of hurt around the corner. And even when you're the one doing the hurting, because you can't see the point of waiting to be hurt yourself, the guilt is bonec rushing.

I love you, but...

I'm done, 

Gloves. xx

Brief conversations.

my conversations with jordan are so strange sometimes. for example, today, if my mother asked me how he was it would probably go something like this....:

Mom: "How's jordan getting on? speaking to him much?"
Me: "oh yeah, alright. and yeah, almost constantly. he gets on my nerves so much. kidding. we've been talking about him removing nails from my vagina in order to have sex with my dead and mutilated corpse for the past 15 minutes."
Mom: ".......oh."

so yeah. off to turkey in an hour. fun times.

i feel really ill. like "going to be sick any moment" ill. :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Summer

So summer is upon us. and has been for quite some time i suppose,.

my hungergames party was a success. and i was proud of le cake.
we are definitely going to do it again.
kill of the event was jordan surprise attacking luke with a dagger whilst shaking for a truce..... :P ah, luke is just too trusting. ;)

Got pissed off at Jordan the other day
he can be so hypocritical sometimes!
he had a huge go at me for trying weed and made me feel shitty and so guilty about it and then what did he go and do on tuesday? Smoke it himself.
well fuck that.
i did have a good venting session though.
hollie came over and i ranted a lot and even though she didnt contribute more than asking why i was still with him if he annoyed me so much, she did allow me to just... release. i suppose it helped that she supplied the joints, on top of the alcohol i provided and we got majorly..... happy. CAKE.
The rides at the fair were ten times better. :D and the roundabout at the park when we got back to broughton seemed amazing... im not even kidding.
however, the walk home, in the dark, accross the fields, was not as fun....
im glad we did it though. i needed that release.
i have noticed ive become even more tolerant of alcohol. which is a bummer. i need that buzz.
oh dear. i just said need.
perhaps im an addict....
nah. :P

anyways. went to chris' party yesterday and almost pulled an all nighter, but got sent out when luke declared we all needed to shut up because he couldn't sleep.... :P

going away tomorrow. i just need to relax. im going to try not to go online too much and just ignore the outside world for a bit. it makes it so stressful.
especially when arguing with jordan.
actually, just talking to him in general. i want to make sure he's safe.... even if i dont show that im concerned, i really am.
as i said to hollie, i stay with him because he is my rock. he always reassures me of myself and my worth and all of that soppy shit. i just depend on him so much more than i let on. and i dont know whether thats particularly healthy or not....
i suppose i'll see by the end of july.

This was a very rough talking thing today. i kinda like not caring about capitals and spelling and punctuation and stuff.
pehaps i should do it mroe often...

over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Kieran is coming in TWO FREAKING WEEKS!!! :D :D :D