So, I said that the next time I saw him; I'd have to start again. Yeah, well I'm starting from scratch because I have done something utterly idiotic. ¬¬
I arranged a sleepover. I have no idea why, I knew that by the end of it I would be elated and crushed at the same time. And still I let myself do it like the idiot I am.
I am a terrible friend. I don’t deserve Twin as a friend. The things I do without telling her are unforgivable. The things I think about... I shouldn’t like him. GOD. I'm such a bitch!!! D:
I'm going to write all of the events down so that its documented - that way whenever I feel unhappy, I can justify that I have felt worse:
Hatter and I got into my house, greeted the guys and sorted drinks, the usual.
I got changed and sat on Smurf before he complained that Hatter wouldn't be happy with that. - Whatever I do, Hatter is always involved somehow, I’m compared to her, forbidden to do stuff by her, trying to please her. I mean, I love her to bits, but it doesn't feel like I’m living my life anymore. And at the end of the day, she goes off with her new friends and completely forgets about me.
Declared I was making brownies. - People followed me and we made brownies.
We all sat watching the guys gaming for a while before Smurf put on "Don't mess with the Zohan."
Smurf was sitting beside me and even though I was trying not to let it affect me, I still wanted to smell him :/ I know, it's weird but I just feel this.... pull? Urgh, I sound like a creepy stalker person. *Shudders*.
Thankfully mum helped me get myself away by making me do all of the work concerning the food and table setting - even though Hatter said she'd help, she didn't, she was too happy snuggled up next to.... Him.
Dinner was eventually ready and so everyone got to the table and ate. It was pretty cool actually. :) Lots of casual chatting and no awkward moments.
We continued to watch "Don't mess with the Zohan" with very little seating changes. I started to feel like crap. Ate some crap brownie when the film ended. Made me sick.
We brought out the twisterness :D I love twister. But then E had to go. Twister was fun but I felt bad when I was pressed against Smurf. I can’t do anything regarding him without feeling guilty. :/
After people got bored of twister and I brought down bedding while Crisp and Smurf went to the shop, although Crisp returned a moment later saying he’d lost Smurf.... How he did that we have no idea. Hatter and I went with him to look and after walking to the park and back we discovered that he was hiding in the driveway all along. I ran up to him and hit him in the chest a couple of times and Crisp hugged him. Hatter stood there looking miserable. I don’t know why – she never tells me anything anymore. :(
Hatter and I went back inside and did pointless stuff like more twister and watching The Giant One game whilst the guys were out. They eventually returned after their – “talk” and we decided to put on "Friends With Benefits."
Smurf and Hatter snuggled under a duvet together for quite a while and I really couldn't deal with watching them so I sat in the corner by the door with my own bedding.
The movie had to buffer half way through so we all had a brownie break, within which The Brother was a complete nincompoop and decided he wanted to take away his laptop, out of spite of course.
We convinced him eventually, but not before he closed the window which meant we had to wait for it to load.
I think that's when Hatter left.... I'm not too sure because I never saw her go, but I know that Smurf moved to the chair above the bedding which meant that I did the only thing an idiot would do, faced with the options I did....: I moved and sat in the bedding.... >_> I am a stupid bitch.
Smurf came down from the chair after a while and Maxwell took my place in the corner with my bedding. Smurf leant his shoulder on mine for a while and I returned the gesture. In my own defence – at that point I initiated nothing, he did everything, but then again, I did nothing to stop him. I guess I just liked the feeling of being held, of being touched. I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel truly wanted until that moment, and I didn’t want it to stop. So, when he started to put his hand on my hand, on my stomach, I should have stopped him. Instead I welcomed it and moved closer to him.
Maxwell seemed to be getting a little lonely so I asked him to come over with the bedding. Once I’d done that, I spent the next hour having my attention and body fought for, constantly being interrupted by my brothers messages of course.
We talked quite a bit about random pointless stuff and all the while, the boys were re-adjusting themselves to get closer to me. Smurf always kept the contact under the covers though and I know why – so that if Hatter came down then we had time to break apart :/ We all got a little playful and so I bit the arms that were in front of me. In return Maxwell bit my arm and Smurf tried to bite my wrist. That failed XD Instead he ended up biting my finger. He started to run his tongue over it and I must admit I was a little turned on but I just acted careless so he didn’t know the effect he had on me... once he’d let go we started to “cuddle” again. We ended up having to take Smurfs glasses off because we couldn’t put our heads together properly. He was constantly pressing his lips lightly against my temple, but I don’t know whether that would count as a kiss or not? Meh.
The holding started out relatively innocent. Hands on hands, that sort of thing. But then we all got a little more comfortable and Maxwell decided to put his arm behind me. Smurf then put his arm all the way around my waist. It felt amazing; the smallest of touches and the whole on my skin was on fire. Maxwell started tracing patterns on my other hand which made it tickle. Smurf decided to gently stroke the side of my waist, which is my “spot” >.> so yet again I had to keep from squirming and hide what I was feeling. On several occasions he lifted my hands to his lips but it was the lightest of brushes so I don’t even know what that meant.
Eventually, after I had checked on Hatter and The Giant One – who we realised were still talking upstairs – we started the movie again. The first “sexual” scene that came on was a little awkward and they both held me tighter. Smurf and Maxwell both had their arms behind my head and Smurf held my waist below the covers.
When Twin came down, Smurf had left to go to the loo (thank goodness), and when he returned he sat beside me and didn’t try to hold me again which was lucky. From then on we just lightly brushed one-another’s arms every so often and had little foot “fights” :P
The film ended and we all sat for a second before deciding to go to sleep. We all hugged goodnight and the boys started to strip topless. I commented on Smurfs ribs before Hatter shushed me and ushered me upstairs.
We sorted the bedding and got ready for sleep. I went down again briefly to collect a blanket but got back up swiftly. I fell asleep eventually but I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about everything and I felt a little sick.
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In the morning I woke at about 7:30 and at quarter to 8 Twin washed her hair, so while she was in there we decided to go downstairs to check on the guys and to get a drink. They were all still asleep apart from The Giant One so we laughed at their sleeping positions before going back upstairs and getting changed.
When we came back down, they were still partially sleeping which was quite funny :P We prodded them for a while and once they woke I took the duvets up to my room and made a comfy space on my floor.
Then I made everyone breakfast. We ate downstairs and once we were done, while The Giant One set up the PS3 again, we played twister, which was hilariously funny ^^.
I got bored of watching the gaming after a while so Maxwell and I headed upstairs to listen to music. After a while, Smurf came up and joined us for a brief amount of time but I think he felt a little out of place although I didn’t want him to. I just wanted to lie next to him like the night before. I also regret not kissing him. I could have, it would have made it a lot more complicated and awkward but I wish I could kiss him, just to know what it would be like. :/
Meh, Hatter came up so Maxwell and I went downstairs to leave them to it... Yeah, I just found out that they kissed each other up there... And Twin didn’t even tell me... :/
Anyway, I was dying downstairs and once everyone had gone (I had a mini cuddle fest with The Giant One while I felt a little crap) I went upstairs... They broke apart and we had a little talk before Smurf got his things together.
Twin and I walked round to hers with the hutch... and didn’t really talk much. When we got back to mine Ninja had arrived. We talked a little before putting Eragon on. Hatter left part way through and left Ninja and I to it.
Twas a good movie to be honest... and we didn’t really have many truly awkward moments. Went for a walk with the Twin at one point and Ninja had to wear my braces XD but yeah. That was my day.... I had VERY mixed feelings. Very conflicting. :/
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I was sick on the Saturday night. At midnight I had to run to the bathroom. It was the first time I haven’t cried out for my rentals. I coped with it all on my own.... it was horrible. I still felt terrible afterwards; the relief only lasted for a couple of minutes before the sickness returned. :(
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Talked with Smurf on Monday, had a talk during our double free. I truly felt happy for most of the time and he effectively told me that he liked me... but then again, I’m only the rebound from Hatter so..... :/
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Went to the opera.... Tatyana’s song about writing the letter explained my feelings entirely... I need to find those lyrics. NB I finally found them!
Anyway, I was tired for the rest of the week. Literally couldn’t stay awake and felt truly terrible.
Tomorrow, Friday... and hopefully it will be better than the week I’ve been having so far. Today I had a good talk with Cleugh which was good I suppose, and other people have talked with me... I still feel bad though. :/ (Also, people who don't usually talk to me started talking to me today.... weirdest thing ever...)
Whatever. I should get used to it. It’s not like things are going to change any time soon. Meh. I’ll just detach myself. If people think I’m happy then perhaps they’ll change how they act around me and I can focus on helping everyone else with their problems. As well as my school work. I need to catch up on chemistry.... :/
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
