So, the single YouTuber that got me in to watching things on that website was speaking about how scared he was. And it worries me that the one person I looked up to for confidence, actually struggles every day. I dunno, it just affected me in a way. I don't even understand why. Meh.
Friday, 9 November 2012
RE: I'm Scared.
So, the single YouTuber that got me in to watching things on that website was speaking about how scared he was. And it worries me that the one person I looked up to for confidence, actually struggles every day. I dunno, it just affected me in a way. I don't even understand why. Meh.
Speaking out. Finally.
I have this thing, where I think that people can hear my thoughts. Weird right? It messes with my mind more than you'd think though. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about small things, and suddenly I feel I can't be thinking about it any more, because a stranger, or even someone I know, is listening in. So instead I have to distract myself by thinking about a word repeatedly, or imagining a picture, or hitting myself. Something to distract my thoughts from what I was thinking about before. And it can be the tiniest thing that I think about. It was in the beginning. Now, its about my "depression" or particularly dark thoughts. And this "thought reading thing" gives me some sort of paranoia which darkens my thoughts even more. That cycle is now stuck and every time I have another dark thought - usually triggered by remembering a "thought reading moment" or remembering a particularly bad moment in my past (and I'm not lacking in them - like hearing my mother telling me that Hatter told her what was going on, or people telling me that I'm worthless and I need to try harder, or hearing bad news from someone I love.....) - I have to start the whole process again, imagining a picture, creating a distraction. Do you know what the best distraction is? Course you do. Pain. That's why hitting myself works. But sometimes that's not enough. You can see where I'm going with this. I know why I'm constantly sad/"depressed"/whatever you want to call it, in my mind. I know why I cut. But I can't do anything about it and I don't want to tell anyone about it. I mean, it was hard enough telling the three people I have done about my "paranoia". But none of them really understood what that meant for me. How much it hinders my life and how much pain it causes me in the long run. I want to say something. I really do. But whenever I try to think about how to construct that conversation, I get scared by the possibilities of what could happen. What people might think. Who knows what might be? That's what keeps me living in fear of speaking out.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Isolation
I'm feeling more isolated now. I think it's something to do with my paranoia. Since H's party, my trust levels have zeroed down to basically nothing. I can't talk to anyone. I'm just... alone. Like I'm trapped on the other side of a huge glass world and everyone's voices are muffed, to the point where I can only respond to what people are saying and not engage with them properly. If it continues, I'll surely go insane. But at the same time, I feel like I don't want to connect with anyone for a long while, maybe forever, just to see how life would go on without me being there. I want to detach myself indefinitely from the group again, a bit like September last year, so won't have to make an effort to let people in. If I close up, I could focus on my studies; wouldn't feel obliged to go to parties or social gatherings; I could think about how to sort out my problems; I could potentially better my life if I stayed on my own. I'm sure everyone would learn to move on eventually. Even Smurf, he could move on to better people, probably Hatter, and I would (eventually.....) relax, because when he breaks down my guard, when I give him those little bits of trust, when I think I'm becoming more confident, the truth is, I feel more and more paranoid about what other people think of me and whether they're going behind my back, talking about me, laughing at me. In my mind I accuse so many people of so many things, all the time. If someone looks at me, one hundred reasons flash through my mind at why they did that. They may just have been glancing in my direction and happen to have locked onto me for a split second, but what if they were thinking about how odd my hair looked, decided I looked fat, thought I looked weird, or noticed how miserable I am underneath the smiles? Suppose they thought that. Then what would I do? I think about how I would respond to those thoughts and in my mind I try to 'better' myself by thinking: "Tomorrow, I'll do my hair differently; or next week, I'll throw up after my meals so I can lose weight...." and so on. I mean, those possibilities are endless, and most of the time, I hate where they lead me.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Thinking about it...
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't end it when I had the courage to.... Just sometimes...
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Forgetting the Past and Promises for the Future
Found out that Smurf kissed Hatter at H's the other night. It serves me right I suppose. And it was bound to happen eventually. I mean, she still likes him, and it would be hard for him not to like her because she can be really wonderful and make you feel really special sometimes. Her way with words is great. It's how she makes friends so easily. Sometimes I miss her, but then I remember the things she did and what that led to... Meh. Basically, when she starts to talk to someone and helps them out, they start falling in love with her personality. The thing is, that personality changes and fluxes according to who she's talking to. I noticed that over the years. X and I used to talk about it all the time, how she'd tweak her excitability or sincerity for the person she was interacting with, almost weaving in between the small gaps in their personality. I still notice it. More-so now, I think, because I can see how she alters it for me now. I was blind to that before, because I wanted to overlook it and imagine that she was genuine with me. I mean, maybe she used to be, but she's not like that with me now.
I sometimes wish we were friends again. Like properly, not the dancing-on-egg-shells type of friends we are now. But I don't know. It would be tainted with the past and I don't suppose I could deal with that..... Thinking about that.... I don't think we could be friends for a long time. I suppose we should talk about that; suggest we quit trying to make it work for a while and just go right back to acquaintances for now. It would be a helluva lot easier.
So to conclude with the original point. I don't think I'm mad at him. Or disappointed. What I suppose I am now, is more paranoid about him leaving me than before. Because he could literally up and leave and go off with her at any point. And trying to convince myself that it's extremely unlikely is proving difficult. I suppose all I can do is focus on doing that, as well as trying to boost my self-confidence (which losing weight is hopefully going to push along). Talking about things will help too, but I can focus more on that in the future, and first work on trust. And in order to work on trust, and to trust him, I've got to be trust worthy, and to be trustworthy, I've got to be so much less childish and closed up about things, and in order to do that, I've got to be less paranoid. What a loop of dispair, eh?
Meh, I'll let you know how it goes later.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I sometimes wish we were friends again. Like properly, not the dancing-on-egg-shells type of friends we are now. But I don't know. It would be tainted with the past and I don't suppose I could deal with that..... Thinking about that.... I don't think we could be friends for a long time. I suppose we should talk about that; suggest we quit trying to make it work for a while and just go right back to acquaintances for now. It would be a helluva lot easier.
So to conclude with the original point. I don't think I'm mad at him. Or disappointed. What I suppose I am now, is more paranoid about him leaving me than before. Because he could literally up and leave and go off with her at any point. And trying to convince myself that it's extremely unlikely is proving difficult. I suppose all I can do is focus on doing that, as well as trying to boost my self-confidence (which losing weight is hopefully going to push along). Talking about things will help too, but I can focus more on that in the future, and first work on trust. And in order to work on trust, and to trust him, I've got to be trust worthy, and to be trustworthy, I've got to be so much less childish and closed up about things, and in order to do that, I've got to be less paranoid. What a loop of dispair, eh?
Meh, I'll let you know how it goes later.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Thursday, 1 November 2012
LONDON. :D
Wednesday -
Woke up. And I was reeeeallllyyyy hot. Like on the verge of boiling. Because along with the body heat from Smurf, we had like a million tons of duvet over us. Which I soon decided to kick off.
We soon realised that another couple were in the room with us, and apparently, Alice had woken up with my bra on her face. How lovely for her.... XD
Sorted things out for when we had to leave before doing some.. stuff.... :P
Left H's and stopped at mine for a while so I could shower and change etc. Then we got to Smurfs and he did the same.
Got the train in le nearby town and soon we had arrived in LONDON. :)
So we said goodbye to his family and set off for Baker Street... though we did go in the wrong direction to start with.... XD
So yeah, visited 221b Baker Street. And it was pretty damn cool. :D I took many, many pictures.
After a short walk, we took the tube to find Ripleys. Which, when we emerged from the underground, was conveniently right beside us.
It was a pretty awesome place. :) So many freaky facts and pictures and models and like... there was anything you could imagine in there. ^_^
Things that were incorporated with the tickets we bought was a Mirror Maze (which was pretty easy) and the Lazer Race (which we were both crap at). But it was all good fun. And made us feel like secret agents. ^_^
Ate dinner at Pizza Hut. And after that experience, Smurf told me we were never going to eat there again. XD So yeah, we rushed back to the station and did some window shopping, before finding out that the train was delayed. >_> Harumph. Ahh well. We got seats anyways.
Bob had this wax hand thing from Maddame Tussards and kept playing around with it..... so it eventually broke... Can't say I didn't see it coming.
Slept on the train for most of the way and at my stop I got off. :( Father picked me up though, and we had a good journey back, listening to the Stones. :D
Got home and went straight to bed. I was completely knackered.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Woke up. And I was reeeeallllyyyy hot. Like on the verge of boiling. Because along with the body heat from Smurf, we had like a million tons of duvet over us. Which I soon decided to kick off.
We soon realised that another couple were in the room with us, and apparently, Alice had woken up with my bra on her face. How lovely for her.... XD
Sorted things out for when we had to leave before doing some.. stuff.... :P
Left H's and stopped at mine for a while so I could shower and change etc. Then we got to Smurfs and he did the same.
Got the train in le nearby town and soon we had arrived in LONDON. :)
So we said goodbye to his family and set off for Baker Street... though we did go in the wrong direction to start with.... XD
So yeah, visited 221b Baker Street. And it was pretty damn cool. :D I took many, many pictures.
After a short walk, we took the tube to find Ripleys. Which, when we emerged from the underground, was conveniently right beside us.
It was a pretty awesome place. :) So many freaky facts and pictures and models and like... there was anything you could imagine in there. ^_^
Things that were incorporated with the tickets we bought was a Mirror Maze (which was pretty easy) and the Lazer Race (which we were both crap at). But it was all good fun. And made us feel like secret agents. ^_^
Ate dinner at Pizza Hut. And after that experience, Smurf told me we were never going to eat there again. XD So yeah, we rushed back to the station and did some window shopping, before finding out that the train was delayed. >_> Harumph. Ahh well. We got seats anyways.
Bob had this wax hand thing from Maddame Tussards and kept playing around with it..... so it eventually broke... Can't say I didn't see it coming.
Slept on the train for most of the way and at my stop I got off. :( Father picked me up though, and we had a good journey back, listening to the Stones. :D
Got home and went straight to bed. I was completely knackered.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
20's Party. :)
Tuesday -
After spending two whole days in my pyjamas, this day - I was forced to do something sociable - H's Party.
After watching the Dark Knight, I dressed and made my way there.
Arrived and said hi to everyone. I was a bit self conscious about what I was wearing, but people said it was okay, so.... paranoia subdued! YAY!
Greeted Kirby again once the other people arrived. Danced to the club songs for a little while, whilst others played card games, or sat in the lounge talking.
Food was issued and after that people stopped dancing for a while. This gave Shelly, Bambi and Kirby the time to back me into a corner and force alcohol down my throat. Literally. Though most of it spilt down the front of my dress instead....
Danced some more once people returned from food and the songs were fantastic. :D Time Warp, Monster Mash, Thriller, WhipMyHair, Charlieissocoollike.... :P But yeah, H took her iPod away to talk on Facetime so I found my iPod and songs chosen got a little.... darker. Not that the people left in the room seemed to mind. By then, the hype had died down, so people were sitting in the lounge, planning to watch movies already.
After doing some excellent screaming and wonderful headbanging, we made our way over to the sofa to rest a while. This soon became a pile on. Sprawling over one another was fun, and made even more magical when Kirby and Jassy decided to make out, whilst everyone else lay around them and watched.... :D Uh, the Ginge also had a go at him, but that wasn't so magical, and he soon cleared off again.
I exited briefly to look for Smurf as I hadn't seen him in a while, but when I asked him to join us he just declined and said he wouldn't enjoy it. Which I understood because he doesn't like the music we were listening to. I cleared off and saw him walk off with Hatter a while later.
More love and such. We all talked a while, sharing funny stories and helping one another out with situations we were struggling with. One subject that came up was the Smurf-Hatter thing, which Shelly noticed after going off to get a drink. She saw them and wanted to know why they always went off together, she thought it was unfair on me and wanted to go and say something to them. It took all my reasoning, and grabbing onto her legs to stop her from moving to keep her from confronting them about it. I did try to explain to her that I had gotten used to it by now, and that I couldn't complain when I spent time with other people anyway, she she still didn't seem convinced. I've got to keep talking to her about that.
I left after that though, to go and see where Smurf was, I really wanted to hug him and talk with him about stuff and spend time with him like I knew I should, but then I saw the two of them playing cards together on the landing and I sort of chickened out and pretended I needed to get something from my bag instead...
Went back downstairs and somewhere along the way, we acquired a pen and began to draw all over people which lightened my mood just a bit. :) Though having Shelly (and then Kirby) confront me like that about my insecurities opened up a twitch of paranoia that started to grow pretty quickly. Everyone else, apart from the aforementioned two, left and I thought I'd give them some alone time, seeing as they had one another. Instead, I went upstairs to find a quiet place to sit. Unfortunately, I could hear Smurf playing connect 4 in the play room with Hatter and I let my paranoia and jealousy combination get the better of me. I mean, you over think things when you're left in a room on your own and hearing them laughing together just fuelled the bad mood that had been threatening to appear. I can't help it. I'm scared that soon, they'll get so close that the beginning of year 12 will happen all over again, just to different people. And I hate that, because I love him, I just have this overbearing sense of paranoia that the people I love don't love me back. None of my relationships have ever been good ones. I've always been hurt, or used or pushed into things, and I started thinking (a while back) that I just wasn't meant to be loved. That's another reason I started cutting. I just thought that all men were disgusting and that there was something really wrong with me that just meant I couldn't be loved. And now this relationship has come along, and I really love him. But I have this underlying fear of rejection. Like this constant fear that he's going to screw it up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to wake up one day and realise that he doesn't want me; that Hatter, or another one of his exes will make it back into the picture. And I constantly project my insecurities onto him. Strangely enough though, it's only when we're physically apart. Because when we're together I just feel so loved and safe and I trust him, and in the back of my mind I know that he'd never cheat on me, he's never given me reason to think otherwise. It's just that my paranoia won't go away.
Even though, I'm the one who cheats. It's not meaningful. I regret it as soon as I've done it, and all of the drunken mistakes just pile up as I add another accidental kiss to the list of things I do wrong in the world. It's happened four times now. I mean, I can feel terrible about it, but I can never take that back. Sometimes I try to think about why I do it. I thought it's because I need to feel something when something bad has happened (like when I feel I've disappointed someone, or someone's angry at me for something) but really, I just have something really wrong with me. Something twisted and sick and just plain wrong. I don't deserve Smurf. At all. And I think about that all the time. This is the most in love I've ever been. The only time I truly believe that I can love someone, and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship in order to validate what I feel inside: That I'm somewhat unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will send me back into that dark, negative spiral that I fought so hard to pull myself out of, because I struggle to pick myself up and make changes for the positive. I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend who is just so great to me, I can't even understand it...
So after having a mini breakdown in the dark I tried to cure it the best I could, and I've relapsed again. Who knew nails could be so sharp. I broke the skin with them this time. It hurt quite a bit actually, more than usual, but then again, I was more angry this time.
I went downstairs again to see if I could find a place to fit again, but everyone had coupled up so I ascended the stairs again. People didn't even notice me. Apart from Smurf. Who I pushed away as soon as he found me. I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. Once I'd calmed down, I went to look for him.
We hugged and talked for a long while. It took a while for small things to be said. And I felt that I complained too much and couldn't fully open up to him about things. But it was a start I suppose.....
Stuff happened after that, and after a brief sugar quest, made longer by Kirby and Shelly talking to me and me to them. They made me laugh which was nice, at that time. :)
Went to bed with Smurf. It was lovely and I slept peacefully, even if it was only 3 hours..... :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
After spending two whole days in my pyjamas, this day - I was forced to do something sociable - H's Party.
After watching the Dark Knight, I dressed and made my way there.
Arrived and said hi to everyone. I was a bit self conscious about what I was wearing, but people said it was okay, so.... paranoia subdued! YAY!
Greeted Kirby again once the other people arrived. Danced to the club songs for a little while, whilst others played card games, or sat in the lounge talking.
Food was issued and after that people stopped dancing for a while. This gave Shelly, Bambi and Kirby the time to back me into a corner and force alcohol down my throat. Literally. Though most of it spilt down the front of my dress instead....
Danced some more once people returned from food and the songs were fantastic. :D Time Warp, Monster Mash, Thriller, WhipMyHair, Charlieissocoollike.... :P But yeah, H took her iPod away to talk on Facetime so I found my iPod and songs chosen got a little.... darker. Not that the people left in the room seemed to mind. By then, the hype had died down, so people were sitting in the lounge, planning to watch movies already.
After doing some excellent screaming and wonderful headbanging, we made our way over to the sofa to rest a while. This soon became a pile on. Sprawling over one another was fun, and made even more magical when Kirby and Jassy decided to make out, whilst everyone else lay around them and watched.... :D Uh, the Ginge also had a go at him, but that wasn't so magical, and he soon cleared off again.
I exited briefly to look for Smurf as I hadn't seen him in a while, but when I asked him to join us he just declined and said he wouldn't enjoy it. Which I understood because he doesn't like the music we were listening to. I cleared off and saw him walk off with Hatter a while later.
More love and such. We all talked a while, sharing funny stories and helping one another out with situations we were struggling with. One subject that came up was the Smurf-Hatter thing, which Shelly noticed after going off to get a drink. She saw them and wanted to know why they always went off together, she thought it was unfair on me and wanted to go and say something to them. It took all my reasoning, and grabbing onto her legs to stop her from moving to keep her from confronting them about it. I did try to explain to her that I had gotten used to it by now, and that I couldn't complain when I spent time with other people anyway, she she still didn't seem convinced. I've got to keep talking to her about that.
I left after that though, to go and see where Smurf was, I really wanted to hug him and talk with him about stuff and spend time with him like I knew I should, but then I saw the two of them playing cards together on the landing and I sort of chickened out and pretended I needed to get something from my bag instead...
Went back downstairs and somewhere along the way, we acquired a pen and began to draw all over people which lightened my mood just a bit. :) Though having Shelly (and then Kirby) confront me like that about my insecurities opened up a twitch of paranoia that started to grow pretty quickly. Everyone else, apart from the aforementioned two, left and I thought I'd give them some alone time, seeing as they had one another. Instead, I went upstairs to find a quiet place to sit. Unfortunately, I could hear Smurf playing connect 4 in the play room with Hatter and I let my paranoia and jealousy combination get the better of me. I mean, you over think things when you're left in a room on your own and hearing them laughing together just fuelled the bad mood that had been threatening to appear. I can't help it. I'm scared that soon, they'll get so close that the beginning of year 12 will happen all over again, just to different people. And I hate that, because I love him, I just have this overbearing sense of paranoia that the people I love don't love me back. None of my relationships have ever been good ones. I've always been hurt, or used or pushed into things, and I started thinking (a while back) that I just wasn't meant to be loved. That's another reason I started cutting. I just thought that all men were disgusting and that there was something really wrong with me that just meant I couldn't be loved. And now this relationship has come along, and I really love him. But I have this underlying fear of rejection. Like this constant fear that he's going to screw it up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to wake up one day and realise that he doesn't want me; that Hatter, or another one of his exes will make it back into the picture. And I constantly project my insecurities onto him. Strangely enough though, it's only when we're physically apart. Because when we're together I just feel so loved and safe and I trust him, and in the back of my mind I know that he'd never cheat on me, he's never given me reason to think otherwise. It's just that my paranoia won't go away.
Even though, I'm the one who cheats. It's not meaningful. I regret it as soon as I've done it, and all of the drunken mistakes just pile up as I add another accidental kiss to the list of things I do wrong in the world. It's happened four times now. I mean, I can feel terrible about it, but I can never take that back. Sometimes I try to think about why I do it. I thought it's because I need to feel something when something bad has happened (like when I feel I've disappointed someone, or someone's angry at me for something) but really, I just have something really wrong with me. Something twisted and sick and just plain wrong. I don't deserve Smurf. At all. And I think about that all the time. This is the most in love I've ever been. The only time I truly believe that I can love someone, and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship in order to validate what I feel inside: That I'm somewhat unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will send me back into that dark, negative spiral that I fought so hard to pull myself out of, because I struggle to pick myself up and make changes for the positive. I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend who is just so great to me, I can't even understand it...
So after having a mini breakdown in the dark I tried to cure it the best I could, and I've relapsed again. Who knew nails could be so sharp. I broke the skin with them this time. It hurt quite a bit actually, more than usual, but then again, I was more angry this time.
I went downstairs again to see if I could find a place to fit again, but everyone had coupled up so I ascended the stairs again. People didn't even notice me. Apart from Smurf. Who I pushed away as soon as he found me. I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. Once I'd calmed down, I went to look for him.
We hugged and talked for a long while. It took a while for small things to be said. And I felt that I complained too much and couldn't fully open up to him about things. But it was a start I suppose.....
Stuff happened after that, and after a brief sugar quest, made longer by Kirby and Shelly talking to me and me to them. They made me laugh which was nice, at that time. :)
Went to bed with Smurf. It was lovely and I slept peacefully, even if it was only 3 hours..... :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
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