17

Today has been a chill day. I actually felt a lot healthier today. Less self-conscious in general. I hope this is the start of coming back up again. Cause I really want to feel properly happy again. 

Here's hoping. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

16?

I'm just very numb today. I don't know. It's been a good day. Just not much emotion involved. 

Oops

Forgot to write about my day yesterday so I'll keep it brief. Work was meh and I totally freaked when travelling but I didn't throw up and  then I arrived and we just chilled and that's what I needed so that was cool. 

I'm ungrateful

I have such wonderful friends. Sometimes I wish I didn't because it would make decisions so much easier. 

I don't want to hurt them because I love them lots. 

Why can't they just not exist so I wouldn't feel so guilty for wanting things. 

Currently I'm listening to the song that I was listening to when I first considered committing suicide and it's bringing back all these feelings of self hatred and overwhelming frustration with life. 

But it's also a reminder that I'm still alive for a reason. Cause I didn't follow through. And there was a reason for that decision. 

I just need to find it this time around. 

 

14

I've felt sick all day. Not like an illness sick, but a stressed sick. Like this weight in my stomach and it won't go away and every now and then it slowly climbs up my chest and clenches around my heart and my lungs and I feel like I'm going to start crying but then I take a breath and push it back down. And then the cycle starts again. 

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up at the moment. I just need to sleep. 

Over and out

Gloves. 

13 Productivity

Obviously a shit start to the day which just started me out on a stressful path. The rest of the week is going to be a nightmare. 

Tyre fixed. Patients seen. But a shitton of admin and loads to get sorted at home as well. Or at least thats how it feels, like everything's piling on top of me. 

That said this evening was really productive thanks to Olive and that cheered me up some. 

Still thought about hurting myself though. Would be so easy. The blades were right there. But I haven't. So that's a positive of today too. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

12

Well I fucked up. And I am just drained. And I want to go to sleep but I have to get this sorted for work tomorrow. And I'm trying to hold it together right now but it's all just getting to me and getting on top of me and spinning round my mind and I can't fucking stop it. Help. 

Fuck sake. 

Gloves. 

11 Getting back into it

Finally got the stuff is been putting off done and I feel so much better for it. Actually looking forward to getting more cosplay stuff done now rather than dreading it and I'm feeling more content. 

Still got that sense of impending doom but it's definitely holding back more for now. 

I didn't exercise today so that's my next goal - to start on that again. 

One thing at a time. I can do this. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

10

I think it's curious. I felt so productive when I woke up today. And all through the morning I was thinking about all the things I wanted to get done as soon as I got home, planning timings and making sure I could fit it all in if I stuck to the schedule. 

Scott set me up on Bloodborne early on which was fun to play til I left at 2 and I enjoyed chatting with Paige whilst gaming and playing with the animals when I stopped. But as soon as I got home, I just didn't do anything to begin with. I just sat and thought about what I was going to do. For 2 hours. Sure I got some more tempting done today, but not all of it. And I wanted to get it all done ready for foam stuff tomorrow. But instead I just pissed about doing nothing that I can remember. Mindless stuff that isn't ever going to impact me. I'm going through life with such indifference at the moment that I can't remember half of what I think about or do. Nothing is impactful. And whilst things I do are enjoyable, I do not feel a real sense of joy when they are occurring. 

There's this constant sense of dread in the back of my mind and I can't seem to shake it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

9

So. It turns out a lot of caffeine is not good for me. Who'd have guessed it right? 

Today has been fantastic, I've played with kittens and a puppy and been on a wonderful walk through P&S's orchard and fields and then watched YouTube videos and eaten Chinese and drank gin and played on Ben's VR and overall it's been fantastic.

However. Ahah. Scott introduced me to this caffeine drink which tastes like fruit sweets and is delicious. So I had two. And have been having palpitations ever since. Which has put me on the brink of a meltdown since like 2pm. And oh my god it has been so difficult to act casual :') 

Thankfully we've gone to bed now so am least I can wind down now and hopefully not let this feeling get to me cause I am barely holding it together right now. 

Fucking hell. I am uncomfortably energetic and it's almost midnight. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

8

Today was easier. It's getting easier to accept this numb feeling and just get on with it. That's what I always do, just get on with it. 

I don't feel "alive" exactly but at least its good I still am I guess. 

Today I've been more productive which is good. And at least I'm doing better at appearing happy and healthy and getting stuff done like usual. 

I had dinner tonight. Only ate half of it but still I had food. Which is good. 

I'm seeing friends over the weekend which means I'll have to eat properly in front of them. Which is also good and healthy and I shouldnt feel sad about it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

7

I'm in this bubble. And it's not an unpleasant feeling. In the bubble. In the bubble I understand how I feel - indifference, nothingness, numb - and I don't need to over think it. It just is. I just am. 

This morning the idea of talking to people, being judged by people, was just overwhelming and just felt like a huge pressure on the bubble, like it was going to pop. And if it pops then I have to confront all these things I don't want to confront yet. I'm definitely not in the right mindset to confront them. 

The bubble didn't pop. I talked to people and they didn't reject me and it wasn't the end of the world, obviously. But it's certainly more delicate. And I don't know what I'm going to do when it does. 

Probably freak out again ahah 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

6

I feel like shit. I ate too much and I just feel like I'm enormous and disgusting and I want to get rid of everything inside me and never see myself in a mirror again and I just hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much sometimes. I feel nothing else at the moment, it's just consuming me. This overwhelming feeling of uselessness and hatred for my body and my conviction and my life. Everything around me is muted and blurry and the only thing I know clearly right now is just how unpleasant I am. I'm toxic to myself and I'm toxic to the people I care about. I ruined Mani's evening just like I've ruined myself forever. 

5 First Day Back

So. Ups and downs today. 

Shitty start to the first day back at work but despite that I actually felt good. Refreshed. 

Then the antsy feeling started rising and I couldn't concentrate on anything and I was convinced that the evening was going to be shit, especially when Min cancelled our meet up. However, instead it was a really fun evening at the first day back at DnD and even though the feeling was still there it was much easier to channel it into character energy and it actually went really well I think :) 

I enjoyed the evening despite my mind not wanting to and that's fucking awesome. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

4 Oxford

I've had a really nice time in Oxford today. The whole time I felt good and even when I was struggling with small talk it was still nice interacting and catching up with Nathan :) 

We're hopefully gonna meet up again in October which will be nice. 

Today has been a good day. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

3

I felt really down today. 

I had a good couple of hours, especially late in the morning when Olive and I went and got some bits for DnD, and it was nice just wandering with no purpose and chatting mindlessly. But like. I don't know. I really wanted to enjoy today. And I did, I really did. I'd definitely go for another round of golf with olive cause it was great. But at the same time I had these constant thoughts in my head that I was being a pain and that I would be better off just not there cause I was being weird and that just lasted the whole day and I don't know how to make myself not think those thoughts. Because I know it's not logical. I know that Olive probably did want to hang out today and that the people I've been chatting to this evening probably do what to talk to me but all I can think is that they're faking it just to be nice. Just putting up with it to make me feel better. Which is stupid and very self centered of me, people's thoughts down not revolve around me. 

I don't know. I just can't think that people would want to interact with me at the moment. I'm not fun today. I'm just passive and indifferent until I overreact at the smallest funny thing to try to make up for it and then weird people out for being too loud instead. I can't win. Fuck sake. 

Over and out, 

Gloves.  

2

Today has been wonderful so far :) 

Listened to music all morning soaking up the sunshine and I've felt really good all day, even though we're leaving Turkey today. It's reassuring that I can feel so good the day after a bad day. 

It means it will always get better, no matter how down I'm feeling. I just need to remember that more. 

Over and out, 

Gloves 

1

Right so let's get this started then. 

Today has been up and down. 

I woke up wanting to hurt myself, just to feel something other than indifference. 

The clouds were over and I was frustrated with how my crochet is going - I'm gonna have to redo some bits to make it work how is want it to. 

But at lunch I had a lot of rum and the sun came out and I danced around the pool for two hours and the thought of burning off the calories cheered me up. 

I had more rum and gin and wine at dinner so I thought I should be feeling even better but I'm feeling numb again.  I've got the sewing kit but I'm not going to use it because I'm stronger than that. Because today is a good day and I won't let it beat me.

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I'm going to start again.

So a few of my friends now have suggested I try to document my thoughts - good and bad - to try to 1. Prove to myself that I do have more good days than bad and that life is definitely worth living and 

2. I can start to spot any potential "trigger behaviors" early on which might suggest I'm starting to spiral again. 

It's probably for the best because I almost killed myself last month and I don't want to get that low again. 

So it's worth a shot. Starting today I'll just try to get something down about my day. Even one line. Even if it's been a shit day. And definitely if it's been a happy one. 

Here's to the future. 

Over and out, 

Gloves