I don't want to do today. I'm just so tired of everything. Why can't I just sleep forever. 

I keep thinking about how I want things to end. I don't know what to think at the moment. I tried calling several different places today and there wasn't any answer and I don't feel like I care enough to chase this that hard. 

It's like if I'm not going to get a reply then I should just leave it. Its not like things are going to change anyways. However much I want them to. Things never do. I never do. 

I have brief reprieves where I don't have these dark clouds hovering around my peripheral vision but thats so rare nowadays. 

It's getting colder in the evenings and I keep thinking about stepping out into the cold and not coming back. It's getting darker too and I hate that soon I'm going to start missing the sun. It always feels so cold without the sun. Not just physically but in every aspect of the word. 

I want to shut myself away and avoid everything and everyone so I can't fuck things up for people any more than I have already. 

I want to disappear altogether for the same reasons. 

Everyone would be better off without me. 

Do I even want to get better? I'm not even trying right now. Maybe I really am attention seeking with this shit. If I actually cared about getting better I wouldn't be on the fence about getting help with this stuff. I'm just so fucking terrified of changing. Trying to feel and not being able to. What if I try to be fixed and can't be. That just makes it so final. Like I tried and failed and thats it. Nothing left to give. The final nail in the coffin so to speak. 

Do I want to change? Do I care enough to try? 

Who fucking knows. I should sleep before I spiral any more into this pit. At least I got some interesting art out of this evening. Even if it is depressing as fuck as usual. 

Hopefully I'll have something nice in there after the cabin weekend. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I am a toxic person. I infect other people with my toxicity and sour their lives. Like a vine slowly growing up a healthy flower until I choke the life out of them and leave them to wither and die. 

If I never learn from my mistakes then what's the point in trying. I might as well just leave because it's the only way I can actually protect the people I care about from my selfish selfish attitude and actions. 

I just want to hit myself and hurt myself and claw out my insides. The amount of times I've imagined just stabbing a knife into my gut today is unhealthy and each time it becomes more and more vivid. Are isn't helping today. I'm trying so hard but I just can't get these fucking thoughts out of my head. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why can't I just die already. 

I finished my presentation and I'm listening to classical music but it's making me sad for some reason. I'm gonna draw instead of what I feel like I want to do. Because that will be more productive and I can channel that negative energy into something more productive. 

I say that but I'm probably going to draw something with lots of blood in it. 

Still. Art is art. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I'm a piece of shit and I hate myself. That is all. 

Having a time limit is kind-of a relief. Knowing I won't have to deal with feelings for much longer is nice. 

Im not feeling much of anything today. I've felt like this since Sunday tbh but I wanted it to be because I was tired. I guess it's not though. And I'm back to the apathy. With a constant tight feeling in my chest and the occasional violent outburst towards myself when noones around. 

I don't know if this sensation is because I'm feeling constantly anxious or my new-found relief around not having to deal with things for much longer is changing how I react to things but when mom saw my arm yesterday I didn't even care that much. And obviously she was oblivious as ever. That or she has ignored it for convenience, as per usual. 

Not reacting or feeling that anxiety around it was good. I don't want to feel those things.

I don't think I want to feel any  feelings again. I think I'll be happy going through the next few months without feeling anything. I think that will be really nice. 

Over and out 

Gloves 

Today is the first day of con. I was fretting about it all last night. But I'm going to have fun and enjoy myself. I'm determined. 

Today is a good day that I get to spend with friends who I love. 

Today is a good day. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I'm positive. I'm focused. I'm going to get everything done today. Today is going to be a good day. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I'm feeling a bit anxious this afternoon. Im not going to let it stop me working on the cosplays though. Imma focus this energy and make it useful for me for once.
I can do this.

I had a really wonderful day today :) I love waking up being cuddled so that was just the bestest and we had a lazy morning in bed with tea and chess and scrambled eggs and it was just such a nice wholesome start to the day. 

I forgot just how whimsical Angus can be and how carefree he is. It was an infectious attitude. Like how he decided we were going to catch a leaf for good luck and we couldn't leave the park til we'd caught one ahah or losing one of his favourite cafés and wandering for half an hour only to discover it was like 5 shops down further than he'd thought it was. Punting was also super fun and having a picnic on a boat is somewhat refreshing. 

Overall it was just nice to talk about stuff that was new and interesting and didn't revolve around how shitty I've been feeling and to have a day filled with spontaneous decisions and impulsive actions. I should live life like today more often. I think it would be good for me. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I don't want to get up today. I know I have to. And I know I will probably feel better for it. But I don't want to. I just want to sleep forever. I feel sick. I I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. I want to feel something. God why am I like this.

I don't know what's wrong with me. One minute I'm fine. Good even. Enjoying what I'm doing and feeling like I have a bit more purpose. 

Then the next I feel like I don't even want to carry on to tomorrow. You'd think that what happened would dissuade me from thinking any of these extreme thoughts. But I've already seriously thought about offing myself at least three times since it happened. And it's only been like 2 weeks. 

What's the point in putting the effort into life if all I get out of it are these feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing? What's the point in putting the effort into being happy if all I get afterwards is the feeling of being so physically drained that I feel sick and a death wish? 

I know I'm not always thinking straight. But you're not always going to think straight in life. And if this is all I have to look forward to when I have little knocks or set backs then I don't want to carry on. 

Fuck I'm so depressing. Im surprised anyone even wants to interact with me nowadays. 

Over and out 

Gloves 

Okay so everything is going well. I've gotten most of the bases of all the cosplay pieces done and it's onto shaping and adding details tomorrow. 

Yet I'm feeling incredibly anxious right now because I keep thinking about how I should be celebrating this with min and yet shes completely ignoring me and I hate that so much. 

I keep thinking I'm fine and that I don't care about whats happening but I really do and it sucks. :/ 

Over and out, 

Gloves.

It's again been a really productive morning. I'm frustrated that I'm losing that productivity with the things I've had to book in to this afternoon. Mot has taken forever and I'm a bit apprehensive about the doctors later. 

I'm worried about what questions theyre going to ask and what they're going to suggest/force me to do. I don't like when things are out of my control. There have been so many situations like that recently and I'm having a hard time adjusting. It makes me feel helpless. And I hate that. 

Still. I've felt in control this morning and only felt the anxiety creep in mildly around lunch time. It's been a good day so far. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx 

I had a really good start to the day. I did a loooad of foam work. Really motivated. I was enjoying myself. It was nice, to take pride in how things are coming together. 

I don't know what's changed this afternoon. Less motivated. Having less fun in general. I want to get it done. But it's hard to keep going when I just want to sleep the rest of the day away. 

Ugh. Why am I like this.

Over and out, 

Gloves.

I got so much done today. And yet the idea that Milly really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore really affected me. 

I hurt myself again today. Another few tally marks to add to the page. 

I want to be strong about this. I know it's probably the alcohol talking. But I really don't want to see next week. I don't see any point. I can't imagine myself feeling any happier. Being any less stressed. This feeling has gone on for so long I cant see there's any way around it. 

I'm disappointed I havent seen all the places I want to seen. I wish there was some way I could do that. But tonight I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. 

And now I have this MH label on my record it's gonna be so fucking hard to get hold of proper sleeping pills. But i suppose I'm gonna have to be patient. 

I'll bide my time. But I'll get there. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Let's make this thing a bit more positive shall we.

Spoke to my mom about how in doing this morning. She wasn't exactly typically "supportive" but she did listen to me and it was nice just to talk about stuff. 

Also I went for a run which I hated but I feel slightly better about the day now and am gonna shower and redress my arm and get the last bits for cosplay stuff before getting on with it. I hope today is going to be productive. I am very hopeful. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Headspace

That was an interesting experience. Nice to just sit and think about nothing for a few minutes. I'm not necessarily happier now but I do feel less stressed which is nice. 

That might be due to the fact ive done more cosplay stuff this evening which has definitely made me feel a ton better about con and the next couple of weeks :) 

Over and out,

Gloves. 

Okay I think I'm over it. Everything has been shoved in the emotions fridge and I know that one day I'll probably have to deal with things when they resurface but the alternative was feeling so guilty that I wanted to die so i think this is a good choice. 

Not that I wasn't thinking about it before Saturday happened. But it certainly helped solidify that decision. 

That said I didn't try particularly hard to finish things on Sunday. I could have gone further,. Done much worse. 

I chose a stupid method to try. I don't know why because after researching before I knew it was the hardest. But was also the most accessible. The easiest at the time. I was impatient. I need to be smarter about it next time.  

I don't know what to say. I want to defend myself. But I know that will probably do more harm than good. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't get my side of the story out. 

I understand this situation is my fault and I'm just as much to blame as Jake is. But. 

Jake started coming onto me from the moment I broke up with Tom. He was all over me at pride especially but I was adamant that night I didn't want to bring any more drama to the DnD group than I'd already created. On top of that he's always been so adamant that he and min were in an open casual relationship, in fact they both have been. And it was sort-of believable from the way Jakes constantly been grabbing my arse or making me slightly uncomfortable with a too-long hug. Hell he basically forced himself on me the first lacuna night when I was half asleep on Olives chest. And then constantly messaged me to come to his room to "continue where we left off" or whatever. Which I didn't want to do so I went and chatted with Olive instead. Whatever I'm getting side tracked. The point is that by Saturday morning id had several assurances from his side that he was in an open relationship, topped with min saying they were "more of a thing now" but that was all it was, and the prior knowledge that both of them weren't interested in having a relationship. I know I made assumptions and I'm paying for making them now, and I know that I'm not totally infallible here - I fucked up. I turned a blind eye, didn't check with min, didn't turn Jake down. I fucked up hard. I just want my perspective to be a little clearer. I dunno. It's not going to change things. Not going to help in any way. The damage is done. Trust has been broken. And there's no way shes going to want to speak to me again. 

I'm just feel like I'm in a lose lose situation here. If I try to explain I risk upsetting her further and ruining any chance of her getting back with Jake and she hates my guts for ruining that. If I stay silent, let her draw her own conclusions she and Jake potentially get back together and she still hates my guts. But at least she's happy in the second option. 

Even though I'll be miserable because I've lost the best friend I've ever had. It's probably the right call to make. 

This sucks. 

I really don't have the drive for anything. It's all been used up and now I'm just a wasteland. The numbness and indifference no longer floating past but fully settling in now. Because why care about something if you might be gone tomorrow. What's the point. 

Ive locked the min situation in my emotions fridge, which I know is bad and I will need to deal with it eventually. But maybe I won't have to. This, then, is the issue. It's locked away, I'm feeling indifferent towards it, and I've accepted the situation. As long as I don't think about too far in the future I'm fine. So why not just stop the future from happening. That way this fuck up and my other countless fuck ups that have been shoved in the fridge never have to see the light of day again. 

I'll be at peace. 

I think I'd like that. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

It's curious. For some reason, when I thought about cutting as deep as I did, I always imagined everything perfectly stationary, the sides of the cut sort of just standing upright and the blood welling up over them. That's not what happened though. It was almost like a zipper, showing something more pale under the top layer. I watched as the tension in the skin of my arm pulled the wound apart as I brought the blade down. The thought after that was then where do I cut to make it deeper? Dead centre or along one edge? Which is going to be more effective? It threw me off kilter enough to sit back and watch it for a moment. The blood sortof just seeped in slowly from the edges until it couldn't be contained by the little channel I'd created and started to spill over the bottom end where it was more shallow. 

The more curious part was how much more it pulled apart when I  did it again (down the centre though I'm sure I wasn't dead straight). And how different the colours were the second time - blood was bright red against the slightly darker congealed stuff from before, no pale skin revealed this time. 

And there wasn't really any pain, especially afterwards. An odd buzzing sensation in my hand and around the edges. Plus the initial sting when the blade caught a little a couple times when I dragged it down (not sure what on, maybe blood clots, or fatty tissue?), but not really pain. Fascinating really how the body reacts to trauma. 

It's kinda aching now. And when I extend my wrist I feel an odd tug from the inside of my elbow down, but that might just be the dressing. My hand starts to tingle when I lie on my left too long, and my thigh hurts when I'm on my right so that's made me incredibly uncomfortable when trying to sleep. Oh and it itches like fuck. I am not looking forward to the next week or so cause it's gonna itch like crazy. 

This stuff is frustrating enough that I shouldn't want to do it again. Really shouldn't want to cause by god's is it already pissing me off and it's only day 2. Yet I already thought about hurting myself again today. Why the fuck do I do this to myself. 

At least I didn't buy the sleeping pills this afternoon. 

Proud of myself for that.

It's been tough today. Not awful. But I don't like that I'm here with this constant reminder on my arm. I'm pissed off with myself, but I'm not sure if I'm pissed that I didn't try hard enough or that I tried it all. 

In other news, I'm pretty much passive about what happened on Saturday now. I've catalogued it in the "bad" side of the "unpleasant" scale (where it will probably sit for years) but at least its out of the way and I don't have to deal with it right now. 

Thinking about the future is hard. I don't know how to feel about it yet. I don't know how to feel about that either. 

 Over and out, 

Gloves 

Today wasn't as unbearable as I imagined. 

Still fucking sucked though. 

I can see everyones point about time healing things but I don't know if I can wait that long. We'll see I guess. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I didn't do it deep enough. It's deep, but it wasn't deep enough. 

I'm a coward. 

Fuck.

There's this crushing ache in my chest. Like my heart has been placed in a vice that's slowly getting tighter and tighter until it's hard to breathe. I don't feel like I need to cry. But also I feel like I need to release this energy somehow. 

I know what would make me feel better. But I'm trying not to do that. 

I'm just in so much fucking pain right now. 

Over and out 

Gloves 

I can't stop thinking about ways to hurt myself. I deserve every bit of pain I am experiencing and will experience in the future. 

I'm a fucking awful human being. 

I'm literally the worst person. I'm a fucking nightmare and I wreck the happiness of everyone I care about. I care so much about my friends and yet I do selfish things which ruin everything. 

I should die. 

Olly stahp

I am feeling really good.  I think that's the alcohol tonight. 

I didn't think that you still read this. Little concerned about that. Uh. Why? 

21

I was productive yesterday. I almost got all the suits finished and I felt good about things. Even worked out a bit before bed. I was feeling better. I am feeling better. :) 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

20

I started thinking about how easy it would be to end things again today. 

Of course logical me shut down those thoughts immediately but I still had them. Even when I was having a good day. 

I still am. I've made myself be productive. The news about con got be down for a moment and I started thinking about just not going altogether but then I realised that was stupid and people are relying on me to do shit so this evening I'm cutting out the final base top pieces and this week the base suits will be finished. I'm determined for that to be the case. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

19

Okay I've already fallen out of the habit of doing this but no matter, the show shall go on (or whatever)! 

I think part of the reason may be because I'm not feeling as bad this week. And because of that I'm not tending to sit overthinking things and until I end up spiralling into a negative thought pattern which I then document on here. Which is good. I just need to make sure I'm still writing down how I'm feeling to make this blog actually achieve its purpose ahha. 

So yesterday, despite feeling pretty tired I was emotionally well. I wasn't ecstatic about things but at least I didn't feel indifference or numbness and enjoyed the session. I also enjoyed that it ended early ahah. 

Hopefully I can continue this feeling into this evening so I am motivated to get everything I need to do done. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

18

I fell asleep super early last night so I didn't post. But I know what I was going to talk about. 

I felt really good yesterday. Early start, productive morning, and when I got home mom and I went on a 5 mile walk which really motivated me to get stuff done for the day. 

And then the exhaustion hit me ahaha. I had so many plans but they definitely did not get done because I was gone by 8. 

However the stuff is out and I am determined to get at least something done on Wednesday. Even if it's a tiny thing. Imma do it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves.