So... I had an exceedingly crap day today. :/ Don’t really know the initial reason, maybe it was because it was rainy? Maybe because my lessons were terrible? Who knows? Meh.
I went to see “Mogadishu” today. It’s a play about racism and stuff. And it started off really funny and jokey, but after the interval it changed so much.
The daughter, she cut herself, and you “saw” it happen, and it just made my insides squirm. She’d lay the knives down on the kitchen counter and then one by one chose a different spot... thinking about where next to do it, to make sure no one saw... and then when she was about to make another mark, her mom walked in.
The scene was supposed to make you feel emotional, and yes it did, but that was mostly because I’d been through that - The initial look of horror on her mother’s face, MY mother’s face, when she realised what had happened, what was happening. I could relate to how the daughter onstage just broke down in front of her, because that’s exactly what I did. I tried to hide my emotions, to keep a straight face, but in the end I just cried and cried and cried into her shoulder. And watching the same thing happen onstage just shook me inside, watching it made it seem so much more real. Pathetic even.
I hadn’t thought about that encounter in so much detail since it happened. I just don’t know how to feel about it anymore. And now it just keeps repeating itself in my mind, like it’s tormenting me. Making me remember why it happened and what then happened as a consequence.
I just... I think that one of the worst things, was that a couple of days after the encounter happened, when it should have brought me closer to my family again, just like on that stage tonight, it didn’t. Because I had to go and fucking ruin it by losing my fucking temper!
If I hadn’t told mom then I’d probably feel much more comfortable in my own home. I wouldn’t constantly be thinking about the fact that even though she knew about my cutting BEFORE I told her about that small insignificant issue of me liking girls too, she only suggested visiting the doctor or getting counselling AFTERFUCKINGWARDS! FUCK.
Sometimes I wish I’d never told anyone. Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t trusted anyone. Because it all boils down to trust. That fucking word. I have put too much trust in so many people, and every single time, someone has let me down. Why do I still do it? Because even though I tell people “I find it hard to trust” it’s almost the opposite. I trust too easily, but instead on bringing attention to that I reverse the direction onto them and try to help out with their problems instead of my own. And that leaves me as nothing more but a shoulder to cry on. A place where people fall to when times get too hard to manage. I don’t always mind doing it, it’s nice to help them all, I like being the ‘kindness through their pain’ as such, but after a while, when the only reason people start a conversation with you is to complain about how difficult their life is right now, how they can’t cope with the stress, how they don’t know whether they are bad because they’re “dreaming about the wrong things” – It gets on my nerves. In their eyes, I’m the one who should know all the answers, the knowledge and the reassurance of the future. But I’m not. I’m just a regular person with my own bloody problems and not some Agony Aunt they can go whining to every single time something small goes wrong. And I know that not everyone is like that, but some people have just taken it a step too far. Urgh. In the end, it’s my own fucking fault. I brought this upon myself.
GOD! If you fucking exist then PLEASE, please do something to keep my past from tormenting me. Please?
From a very pissed off me,
Over and out,
Gloves. Xx
P.S. Jenny had a baby girl, Lottie Rose. Congrats to her I suppose... This means I need a new job soon...
Work experience was fun :) I learned a lot actually. And I saw Xav for the first time in aaages. But yeah. Not much happened until I returned home..... to find KITKAT AND BRILLIANT IN MY HOUSE!!!
Thus commenced muchos screaming, hugging and talking about everything. We ate some maccaroni cheese (leaving the salad untouched) and started to musicalify the house with our guitars and ukuleles. :D
After a very serious talk about the "Hatter" situation we discussed nonsense until The Giant One and Hatter arrived, whereby we discussed more rubbish and took an uncountable number of pictures. Nothing much else happened after that. It was great seeing Sammywammy again. And Kittykat, she remains one of the first and bestest friends I have ever had... :/ I miss her already. :(
MEH.
On the crossover from Monday to Tuesday, I made Smurf "cry".... and being the silly person I am, I offered to be his Genie. XD After much deliberation, his final three wishes were:
1. A Handjob. (oh joy)
2. A "picture". (oh joy)
3. Marry him. (This one might not be that bad - it's a while to go yet XD)
Plus he offered to be my slave for 3 whole days (on the ones where we are together.) <---- This should be fun..... :D
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Tuesday 14th
Awoke at about 4:15am. Felt utterly tired... you would not believe how tired I felt, and cold.... very very cold. But yeah. Ate and stuffles and then we got in the car and started on our way to the hospital in Oxford.
We arrived, in the freezing cold, and were led through to a room, where we were told about what would be happening, including the fact that we would ALL be having blood tests..... O.o
Meh, The Mother and I were led upstairs whereas the boys were led straight off to the MRI scanners.
We arrived in the room where we were meant to have our other tests and I went first.
IT WAS SO COOL!!!! The guy, Jonathan, was great because he explained everything he was doing... made me want his job actually. :D Still. He gave me an ultrasound and a couple of other tests that kept me wired up and stuffles while I looked at the screen to see what my arteries looked like. UTTERLY AWESOME.
But yeeeeeah. After I was done we chatted for a while and called Mother in. I stayed because I wanted to see her get drugged up with Nitrus Oxide (laughing gas) - which I discovered is secreted in small quantities by endothelium to help with the cardiac cycle... :P - but soon after I had searched for her pulse (Jonathan let me have a go :D), I was whisked quickly away to downstairs. So quickly that I forgot my iPod, book, jumper, phone and bag. So I sat and waited in the waiting room with a clipboard for 45 minutes.... >_> I did actually manage to have a bit of fun for the last five minutes - by balancing the clipboard on my head, and then lying down and balancing it on my finger - though I got some very odd and disapproving looks from various people.... :P
I was collected and FINALLY got told what I was meant to do.... which also meant I had to change into a ridiculous hospital gown... >_> and remove my bra too.... urgh. Anyway. I had some numbing cream applied to both my elbows and one exploded over my arm so... more numbness for me! Yay! :D
I was then led to the MRI scanner where more stickery tab things were stuck on my boobies and after being sandwiched between plastical plates of scannerness and headphoned up - I was pushed into the machine.... O.o I don't remember much to be honest... just that I had to control my breathing for an hour and that it made me very sleepy when the loud noise came on.... It made me a little nervous actually, because it occured to me that I could actually have something wrong with me... and that would suck. Snfueinbgrieowgrwe.
I think I fell asleep part way through but I don't think it was that important... meh. I was removed from the machine and redressed before being escorted back upstairs to have an ECG and blood removed from my body O.o My top was removed once again but this time there were SO MANY FREAKING STICKERS!!!! They were all squidgy too. :P Anyway.... I looked like a cyborg when I was all wired up... I wish I'd gotten a picture actually because its probably never going to happen again... Hopefully not anyway.
BLOOD! The needle stung a little but it wasn't bad at all. Seeing it pour into those little test tubes was slightly creepy but it was actually quite fascinating. :)
After the family returned from whatever tests they were having and once everyone elses tests were done (and after father had finished freaking out about the needles XD) we sat around waiting for them to process the results. In this time, Jonathan and I had another long chat about hospitally things, and there was a power cut - meaning that it took even longer to process the results because all of the machines had switched off. D:
Read OotP while waiting. Saw the results which was seriously weird. I mean... I was watching the side of my body... yeah... O.o but they found nothing wrong which is a good thing I suppose... though it doesn't explain why I get out of breath all the time and tire really easily.... I'm just really unfit I guess.
Boring stuff like food ( - prodding our elbows with cutlery) and shopping. Texted Smurf in the car and I had to threaten my genie thing again, because he was being a sissy yet again. ;P
Got home and slept for a couple of hours while everyone else went out to Tesco and the cinema. Listened to a lot of loud music when I was eventually woken up by a phone call. Talked to Smurf on facebook... and was reminded that it was infact St Valentines day by being informed that I had a card... XD For some reason I was extremely excited... I mean... last year was the only time I had ever gotten a proper valentines card because every year before had just been Will and I fulfilling our promise to send each other one each year until we got a partner (each one becoming more spectacular than the last - it's been fun :P) but yeah. Needless to say I ran down to the post box, though I shouldn't have because the top wasn't exactly fit to be seen by public eyes... meh. :P
It was awesome ^_^ (even though it was all soppy and valentines-y) and I now have a completely pointless picture of someone shooting a butterfly stuck on my bed XD I kept looking in it every so often for no reason whatsoever - especially as I knew that it wasn't going to change. :3
Talked with people for the rest of the day basically - got introduced to Smurfs friend over the internet - and skyped with Smurf in the evening til the early hours of the morning - during that time I took a couple of adorkable screenshots of him. ^_^ It was a pretty fun conversation actually. :)
Ended in a few apologies though... I don't know why he does it really... I will do whatever I want and if him constantly asking me to do things was annoying me then I would tell him so, but I don't so.... I don't see what the problem is. Meh.
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Wednesday 15th
Woke up to a really sweet text from Smurf (even if it was an apology ;P)
Skyped with Smurf almost the entire day. :) Though he was a little upset in the morning :/ And I remember he had nice hair that day too. Listened to a lot of music and met some more friends of his via the internet again.
We looked through all of our photos too, which was really odd actually, to see all of the really old photos. :P
Talked with Jeff about drama for a while. I have that essay to do... and I really can't bring myself to do it :/ URGH. I hate homework.
Skyped a little with Stark after Smurf left after a while. That was fun. XD Though it didn't help me get any more of my work done.
And then I went and saw the play... "Oedipussy"... god... I am totally scarred. O.o Nakedness still haunts my mind. D: Still, it was the most hilarious thing I have seen in a VERY VERY long time. :3
Skyped Smurf til the early hours of the morning... twas fantastical :) We did some "house shopping"... XD
And I recieved a prank call several times, which was quite annoying indeed. But no matter, I now have someone to call whenever I need to do a prank call at a sleepover :P
(Also, Xav said hi again today..... twas a little strange to talk with him again... but meh.)
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Thursday 16th
Gave Smurf the link to my blog. Not too sure why, or whether I should have done it, but hey. Meh.
Did work experience again today. Sat around for most of the morning after pilates because I wasn't allowed in the consulting room... so instead I sat in the staff room talking to Andrew - a guy who works there - and trying to figure out how Hydrotherapy would help a patient recovering from 2 broken legs. That was okay I suppose.
Did Hydrotherapy which was pretty damn fun :D I got to be a clock and do the waltz in the water (though not at the same time... because then I would have to change my name to Cogsworth :P)
Got home at about 3:15 and did a lot of nothing til about 5:30 when I realised I had to get ready for the party in under an hour.... yeah. I really did rush around for about 1 minute like a headless chicken (before realising that I had just wasted a crucial minute by doing so...)
Hatter arrived and after I had done her hair and put on our masks and stuffles we left.... and got lost.... arrived in the end though. It was pretty fun too, though we had no idea who anyone was... damn masks! :P
One of the most embarrassing moments of my life occurred that evening actually.... and Hatter laughed for a full 3 minutes (I started counting after the first one) before running off to tell Le Cousin..... >_> I don't think I can bring myself to wear that dress again if every time I rave my boob falls out of it.... D:
Gah. And now apparently I like it doggy style (or that's what everyone thinks after the game of TorD.) Meh. Other ones could have been worse though, almost had to swap clothes with Zilla, which some guy overheard and found very amusing. :P
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanywho. Played Fruit Salad. Found out a lot about the people who I didn't know, and discovered a fellow Yognaught. *proud dance!*
Met some totally awesome people :D And talked with them for a very long time. One of them was a gay guy who Hatter and I had seen playing gay chicken earlier on.... they had made out for a full 5 minutes before Fred gave up and realised that Alex was in fact - very gay. XD It was seriously HOT. We were screaming internally. :P
So yeah, did a lot of talking, corner cuddling, hat sharing with another awesome dude (I stole his hat so he got a new outfit :P)
Alex starting showing how flawless he is (and it was seriously annoying, his only flaw is that he didn't catch a sweet in his mouth). He picked Hatter up one handed which was slightly scary and threw me over his shoulder at one point (which apparently showed Hatter my panties.... O.o) Uh.... more raving and general awesomeosity until we had to leave.
Skyped Smurf when I returned home. Had a couple of hyper moments but didn't embarrass myself to badly to begin with. Changed in front of him (well to the side of the camera) which was pretty fun. XD His face: priceless! :P
Had a small conversation with Frazer but I don't think he heard it (thank goodness).
And then he started to talk about my blog. Lvfneiwobvrewangrwgirseklfes. I just.... Died. My face was like a traffic light. Nfeionbreowrew. I don't think I could have been more embarrassed if I tried. Did a lot of swearing too.... entirely out of character. I really don't like swearing. Gah. This had to have been the most embarrassing day of my life.
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Friday 17th
LOTR DAY!
It was epical. End of.
Bubbles, junk food and Nerdy dancing and awesome quotations.
I wasted a good 14 hours of my life and I'm proud of it.
:D
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Sunday 19th
The last day of the half term:
And seeing as it was a day to be spent with Smurf - I deliberated over using one of my "slave cards".... but I didn't get round to it, so maybe next time. :P
Went to the cinema and bought tickets. Met Smurf (when he EVENTUALLY arrived ;P) and we watched The Vow. It was extremely sad, but just when it was getting to the "crying" parts, Smurf decided to point out that I was wearing owens trousers - making me burst into fits of giggles and ruining the mood entirely. XD
Got picked up by the father and returned home, to become slaves for my mother for a while by setting the table >_> We escaped eventually though :)
^---- the next bit of the afternoon sort of merges together in a sortof scuffuffle of stuffles. But it was basically just a lot of making out. :P And Smurf being adorkable. And stuff.... and more stuff... O.o HE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT!!!!! :D :D :D *does happy dance*
But yeah. We got called downstairs to meet the family by my brother and thankfully we were in the bathroom at that time.... trying to cover up the red blotch on Smurfs neck XD nom.
Met the family, it wasn't really awkward at all. Ate food. Carried plates and shizzles. Sang happy birthday to my Nanny. :) And left the table once the conversation turned...sour. But yes... I didn't really mind, because Smurf and I went back upstairs and... "scuffuffled" again.... XD Wish we could have paused at that time... and so did he actually... :D - http://xkcd.com/162/ <--- (we need to remember to do this next time ;P)
And I told him about the nvfieowbnrwlrwe. D: Not too sure about it to be honest. Now I theoretically have no secrets from him, and that kind of scares me. If he wanted he could single handedly destroy my life..... :/ Lets hope we don't fall out.... Meh. Whatever. I adore him. He is pretty amazing. ^_^
Anyway. We timed it perfectly (which was slightly annoying) because we got up and then he left. :( *misses*
Afterwards I ran upstairs with another piece of chocolate cake until I was called down to say goodbye.... :P And then everyone started a discussion about how nice Smurf was :P (Auntie Claire even shouted out that "he was much nicer than the last one, and more good looking too!") <--- Yeah, be happy, the family has approved you. ;D
But yes. The rest of the evening went down with not many more interesting things - apart from the fact that GinjaSmudge confirming that she can indeed go to France with me!!!! :D :D :D Yayness! So that's good. :)
And Brilliant called me for a couple of hours because he had free minutes, that conversation was pretty uneventful.
Brilliant made me feel so happy. He blogged a post about me and it made me feel so special and wanted. He was just wonderful :)
In other news. Hatter completely betrayed my trust and reinforced my thoughts about it. After we fell out she decided that she'd tell her mother about me cutting, so that her mom could tell mine. It was horrible of her and she told me the only reason she did it was because I had told my mother her biggest secret - that she was jealous of me. She didn't even tell me it was a secret, how was I supposed to know? Plus, she told her mother before that because she only found out that I told anyone that when her mother came round to deliver the joyful (sarcasm) news. Anyway, now I know: If I tell anyone any of my secrets any more, they will never keep them. Everyone will betray you at least once, and when they do it hurts like hell. :/
I just want everything to be normal again. I want to be able to walk with Smurf in public without pissing people off. I just..... wish it was simple again.
On thursday I thought I was going to lose another best friend because Crisp told him about the secret. Urgh. But I think that's okay now. Ninja, Cleugh and Canfield helped with me dealing with that when they arrived at my door and took me for a drive. :P And Smurf helped an awful lot..... wow... yeah.... uh.... yeah.....
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H's party:
Stuff.... a lot of it. I arrived and I got extremely jealous of Hatter and Smurf because she was constantly sitting on him and hugging him, and he didn't seem to mind :/ I had a long talk with Nerd about everything at the park... but it didn't make me feel any better. :/
We got back to H's and did a bit of sexy dancing, as well as some very embarrassing dancing. And still Hatter was all over him.... And still I was extremely jealous, though I tried not to show it.
At D+D they went off and talked about things.... I was just..... reioqwngriowenge. I felt like shit basically. Though there was a moment of niceness when Smurf and I walked down the road to the co-op together, as boring as it sounds.
Sleepover....
Well.... a hell of a lot of drama. - The Giant One threatened to go home multiple times because Smurf and I were getting a little too comfortable with one another. :/ yeah.... As well as.... I uh... got to... number 9 on the scale... so... yeah.... pretty eventful. O.O
Apparently I was woken up by Smurf in the morning - informing me that The Giant One had gone home... but... I wasn't really awake at that point. I did go downstairs an hour later though, and woke Smurf up with a short kiss on the lips which he still goes on about... :)
Most awkward breakfast EVER, and then he left.
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I think it was Monday the 30th?:
Came out to mom. I just... shouted it at her and then ran out the door.
Offifially lost Hatter. I think I "regained" her when we talked..... it was a very emotional talk. And made me feel like a right bitch. But after us both having a good cry I told her about the whole encounter with Mother. She felt a bit bad for me and so that's why she was nice to me.... but it still felt better than fighting with her.
Friday 3rd:
I went to Hatters a few days later. It was good, though a bit awkward at times. Skyped with Brilliant most of the night. Asked if I could "accept Smurfs relationship request". She said that she wasn't too happy about it but if we didn't flaunt it then we could.... so, that went okay I suppose. She de-smurfed her room and re-Gloved it too. Apparently the memories with me had been "too painful". It hurt me a bit to know that she'd given up on us completely but... yeah.... :/
Talked with Stark and Smurf in the stairwell the other day. I'm really happy that I'm finally friends with Stark again. I've missed him. But yes. We all had a nice little chat and I don't know why, but it made me really happy to see the both of them together. :) And when Crisp arrived it was even better. ^_^
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February 7th:
Smurf and I.... declared ourselves a couple. Officially. With Hatters permission of course.... but yeah. Things seem to be going well between us... I think.
In other news, on Wednesday the 8th of February I found out that Hatter was told that I'd had sex with some guy by someone on Facebook... and apparently I'd told them? ¬ ¬ needless to say, I wasn't very happy. Even less so when I found out that she had believed them. I mean, of all the people to believe a rumour like that, I didn't think Hatter would be one of them. What's more, she refused to tell me who had told her.... :/ Meh.
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Had a drunken talk with Smurf and Ninja XD They are amazing... just.... wow. He is utterly hilarious when he's drunk, but also really sweet too. And the comedy is hilarious. He left me a couple of voice-mails that left me cracking up for hours! It was adorkable though, he wasted most of his credit on me, just because he wanted to talk. Though I don't know how much of that can be blamed on the "drunkness"... still. (Also. I was told that he talked to someone there who he has never really talked to before and started saying nice things about me to her.... which is sweet I guess... :P I wonder if he remembers....) Hah.
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Saturday 11th:
I went to Corby to see Smurf yesterday, and honestly, it was one of the best days of my life. :) I was a little nervous about it but turns out I shouldn't have been.
After a couple of awkward moments (like seeing people he knew and us not having much to say) but after browsing through River Island (and me unfortunately not seeing him in skinny jeans, oh well... One day I shall see his sexy arse in skinneys :P) we walked along, narrowly avoiding a giant love heart, to Mcdonalds. :P
After everything between us, a "first date" in that 'popular restaurant branch' was splendid. It just felt so relaxed :) and it was perfect.
We wanderer round a little more while looking for which bus we needed and after me insulting Smurf a little and putting on my fluffy hat of embarrassment, we got on the right one.... and it was a relatively quiet bus journey....
Eventually got to his house and sat in the lounge, browsing channels for something to watch until we found Johnny English. I think we saw a total of 15 seconds before I somehow ended up pinned underneath him, on the floor of his living room..... :P We both decided that making out there was a little weird and so the both of us quickly moved up to his room, where I inspected everything on his shelves while he tried to pull me away to his bed.... which he succeeded in doing so, after he'd shown me his Twitchy Leg uniform ^_^ and a really interesting book on Borat... XD
It's funny actually, even though the house was empty and would be for a while, we didn't really get into any "heated make out sessions" we just talked a little after every couple of kisses, just lovely :) Though there was a moment when I had to explain that it was 'my time of the month' ...which he didn't seem too happy about and kept grumbling for a while, til he reminded me that it wasn't his time of the month ;) which was bound to happen eventually :P it's just who he is. ^-^
A little while later he ran off to go find a movie and since Holes couldn't be found, we watched Megamind instead, which I am very happy about because it was fantastic :D There were barely any interruptions: The occasional text, the odd kiss and soon after it had finished - Bob and his father returned home.
We listened to the credits for a while, watched bob on fifa and were just about to do some things when we were interrupted by sounds coming from the bathroom next door. :D It was hilarious! And unfortunately for Smurf, nothing really happened again.
He cooked some pizza, and while we waited, a couple of episodes of "The Inbetweeners" were watched.
Ate in the kitchen... and danced around a little afterwards :P until we went back up and watched another episode while waiting for my rentals, who were a little late.
In the car I just, felt so content.... and I never wanted that feeling to end.
When I returned home, I sat in my room and talked with people on the inter-web-a-ma-bob until Le Brother called me down to watch "Take Me Out" - a programme recommended by Smurf. It was one of the chavvyest things that I have ever seen... EVER. XD
K called me for a little while which was fun :) I haven't spoken with him for aaages. I also messaged Brilliant on skype whilst Smurf teased me with pictures of brownines!!! D: but yes. We had a very interesting conversation which ended with him texting me a very.... interesting picture.... :D om nom nom nom nom nom.
Aaaaaanyway, we carried on talking while I watched 127 hours and a couple of episodes of Family Guy.
We texted until he fell asleep... It was a great day, and I wished it could never end. :)
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Le next day, I awoke to an amazing text: "Sorry, i did indeed fall asleep, only because i didnt want to say bye to you. Xxxx" <---------------- muchos adorkableness!!!
Anyway, despite me revising for most of the day, we talked on and off until midnight. :)
I watched HP3 with the family and a little of P.S. I Love You while skyping Kat and Brilliant (who were tipsy and removed a bit of clothing). And after a short phone message with Smurf about accents, I received a couple more.... yummy pictures :) but in return I had to send one back.... which I must say was one of the weirdest things I have ever done. O.o
Meh. Read Hatters blog, and found out that Smurf and her did a bit more than I was told at the sleepover... not too sure how that made me feel to be honest. I mean, I know it's in the past but still... meh....
So this has been a bit of a long catchup. I'll try and post more often from now on.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. Smurf and I have officially started the "x" wars.... :D muahahhaha. I shall win.
