Stressing

I can't deal with everything right now.
The pressure is just building and I can just feel myself teetering on the edge. Right on the brink. And I don't want to jump, but I don't know whether I have the choice to go back.

I'm slowly losing it. Losing my composure. Losing my mask. Losing my judgement.

Today I actually shouted at a teacher. I have never let my anger show in public like that before, but I just can't help it.
Then after school I literally lay face down on a table for ten minutes and refused to move. I was bickering with myself in my head as I rode round and round on the bike, and apparently my face was so blank that none of the girls wanted to confront me. It was only after I snapped out of it that they tried to talk to me.
And I was scratching my arms too. Full out scraping at my skin, just to keep myself composed.

I'm freaking losing it.

I need to stop stressing out and calm down.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Mind Games

God... I am just screwed up.
I have actually started having pretty rough conversations with myself again.
Do other people argue with themselves out loud? That's something I'm going to have to look into.
Perhaps I should get checked out? Eh. Just. I need to sort out my mind.

I was literally feeling sick last night because I convinced myself of really stupid things. And a rational part of my mind was like "Nah, that can't be true, there's no logic here." But then the other part was just so.... convincing that I literally felt I had no choice but to believe it, until I did the rational thing and confirmed that I was just lying to myself by asking said parties involved.

This "trick" that I played on myself was not helped by another thought which decided to push its' way forward again.
I really hate being talked about. Even if its about good things.... I just hate it. Whether I'm in the room or if its behind my back, I feel as though talking about me brings too much attention upon me. I really would prefer to just go along for the rest of my school life without talking to anyone and getting on with the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be bothered if everyone I know at school (bar a couple of individuals... maybe) just stopped talking to me. I really wouldn't.
So last night, when I started thinking that people were talking about me behind my back, I felt extremely vulnerable. I would really prefer it if people who have a problem with me would just tell me themselves and get it over and done with, even if it's going to offend me, I really would rather know. For example, a friend came up to me on Friday and said "You can't ruffle my hair when you go past any more, or do any other thing which shows your 'affection' for me, because some people don't like it when you do. Sorry." and then they just walked off. I know exactly who they were talking about. And I hate that said person didn't tell me to "back off" as such themselves. Urgh. But yeah, I'm going to just talk to people this week and ask them to just say what they need to say and then have it out there. (N.B. That includes you Smurfadoodle, be ready because I'm really curious as to what it is about me that annoys you. Just saying....)

So yeah, I think that rant is done for this evening...

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Emotionability

I've been in a really odd mood all day. Like I was speaking to my cousin after the drama trip and I realised. If I went away, like, tomorrow, and I never got to see anyone from school again, I wouldn't really miss anyone. Apart from Jordan. And Luke. I'd miss more people outside of school though, and I think that may be because I actually choose to be friends with them, wheras most of the people at the bench, I'm friends with them by associations. Or I used to be close to them, but they became closer to others in the group and we drifted apart. I just. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to get through these years and start again. Find some new people. Stay in touch with the people I want to stay in touch with, and be a new person. The one I want to be. Not something that society says I should be. And in a new environment I think I'll have the confidence to do that. Probably.


Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Two posts in one evening, I must be having an emotional thing tonight.

Eating Disorders

Just realised why I'm less stressed recently.

I am literally eating my stress away. And that is an extremely bad thing. I have gained a lot of weight in the past month. And I mean a lot. Too much to be healthy.
I kept a food diary and my food intake is way above average. So... That's a thing. And I'm not too sure what to do about it either.
For one I should probably start exercising more. Two, I should probably stop eating for a while. Unfortunately, again, there is the issue of mother monitoring my food intake, so until I move away, I can't. Which sucks. Because I really can't afford to put on any more weight. :/ most of my jeans are now too small for me. Which in turn is making me feel more depressed. The stress to cover up my unhappiness is therefore increasing and so... Dun dun dun. I eat more. Fuck that.

I need to sort out my life.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!


Over and out,

Gloves. xx