Suicide.

So.... I tried to kill myself?

Only hurt my ankle though. 

I freaked out at the last second. Grabbed a branch.

I'm not going back to that tree again.

I'm not insane. Honest.

A letter.

Dear Jordan,

I can't say much to you. It's very difficult for me to say anything serious. I suppose that's due to me failing to trust most people.

I always feel pushed to the back. Never the centre of attention for long. And i never feel very important to people. But it seems that you make me feel like that all the time. It makes me smile, that you can make me feel loved without even trying. But at the same time I can't help thinking, how important am I to you?

I'd love to know your personal opinions. About the world around you as well as me. But we never talk about personal things, and you never blog, so I don't get the same opportunity that you did to "see into my mind".

I tell you loads of things, which I'd be scared to admit to anyone else I know. Like my nightmare. Or the things which I used to think. Usually you just laugh at me like you don't believe it, or disregard the statement because you don't care or don't know what to say or how to reassure me.
You called me crazy today. I cried quite a lot, because I think I really am sometimes. And I hate that I'm different like that.

We talked about July again recently. 

I want to give you as much freedom on your holiday as possible, because I know that restriction leads to unhappiness. And so does guilt, if something did happen... 

So if I give you a "Hall pass" you can go out with your mates and have a good time without me looming over you. I don't think I'd care that much about you doing things. 

However, I'm scared shitless. What if you meet someone out there who's so much better than me. I can't help but feel like I'd be compared when you came back. And yeah, sex would bug me, but not for the reasons you'd think. What if you wanted it more when you came back. The pressure would really get to me. It gets to me now, but I don't want to be pressured into losing my virginity. I'd hate myself for years after if that happened. And I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, you're not like that, but still. I wonder. 
I hate not knowing as well. I'm going to be worrying the whole month, like a overprotective and clingy girlfriend. And I won't even be able to contact you. So I'll worry even more.

I hate it when you get drunk. You say things and do things which bug me. You're more blunt, more yourself. You actually say what you mean, and it upsets me. Even if it is the truth.
I worry about not satisfying you, to the point where you'll leave me. That insecurity is definitely going to increase when you come back as well.

I feel like we're falling apart, and trying not to mention it to one another. Trying to prove to ourselves that we can last til uni. But what if i want it to last longer than that? We need to fix these insecurities if we want to last. We can't avoid them forever.

When is that going to be Jordan? Because I just don't know what to do anymore....