I really want to start living a bit more consciously. Like living with an understanding of others and putting their needs before my own. I don't know if that will make me feel any better about what's happened over the past few weeks/months but I want to try. Who knows. 

I did yoga this morning and it was a very calming time, but my anxiety returned as soon as I was left with enough time to start thinking about shit again. 

I want Milly to reply to me. I'm worried about sending a message to Olly. I'm just very confused about a lot of things and it's making me feel nervous about the future. 

Sophie expressed that she doesn't think she really got over me before so that's another thing I need to consider for the rest of the holiday, I don't wanna lead her on again.

I'm just a bit all over the place today. But we're going to the science museum and maybe an art gallery today and I think that might be nice :) 

I'm trying so hard to be better. I hate the person I am right now and I want to be better. I just don't know if it's in me to be better. Maybe this is just how I am. Selfish and inconsiderate and manipulative and just terrible. 

I guess I'll see. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

France!

I have had a really lovely day today. It's been really chill and I haven't really felt very anxious, apart from when I thought about situations slightly when cooking dinner. But making the tortillas was nice and relaxing and I danced around the kitchen and made Sophie laugh and that was nice. :) 

I'm grateful for the things Sophie has organised and I am excited for the rest of the week. 

I have a slight tightness in my chest but I'm sure that will pass now we're settling down for a movie. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Still filled with anxious energy. Trying to channel it into my trip. Trying not to think about the trigger topics. Failing at that sometimes but I'm coping. I'm gonna have a good holiday. The break will be good for me. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

had a terrible nights sleep because palpitations and over thinking and it was just unpleasant. However. 

This morning I've been chatting with Vik and Monica just came online and the pictures from the shoot yesterday look amazing and now I'm gonna go out shopping and it's gonna be a good day in sure of it and then tomorrow I'm off to France so despite feeling shitty yesterday and waking up shitty today I think it's still going to be a good day. 

I am thankful that I still have people to talk to and I am thankful that I still have plans to do cool things this week. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I haven't broken down yet. I'm holding it together well I think. 

I'm filled with this anxious energy. It's just buzzing around me. Through me. I feel like I'm on fire but freezing cold at the same time. I'm shaking but I'm frozen still. 

I know I should just release. I shouldn't bottle these emotions up. But I don't want to feel them because I know it's going to hurt like fucking hell. To be told it's final. That I've lost a friendship that I put so much of myself into only for it to end so suddenly. It hurts. 

I should be used to it by now. The fact I haven't cried probably shows something. That I'm a bit more numb to it than I was before. I'm broken. I'm a ruined person.  I'll never be right. And that's okay. Quirks are what make me an individual. My experiences make me the person I am today. I just don't think I like who I'm becoming. 

I'll have a cry soon I'm sure. I'll break down and then I'll pull myself together and get on with whatever is left of my life. 

I want to be gone but I know that I can't be so I have to make it better. I will get better. 

I'm just not okay right now. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I'm being stupid. I just stopped being anxious about Milly potentially messaging me (because I know it's unlikely that she will now so that's that) but I've just messaged Olly and I'm freaking out and I hate it. This tight feeling in my chest is just so awful because I'm reading so much into every message trying to figure out if he hates me or if he's trying to tell me to never talk to him again or whether he's just laughing at me about how stupid I'm being I don't know and all of these possibilities are buzzing around my head and i hate it because all I want is for it to go back to normal and for everyone to be friends again and that's never going to happen and I want to cry and ugh this is so stressful. Why did I message him? Why didn't I just leave it. Fuck. 

I've been over thinking a lot of things recently. 

And after therapy yesterday I've started opening that box of feelings about friendships again and I don't want to cause I know it will be painful and I don't want to deal with that. I know I'll have to in the future but right now I just don't think I can manage that without freaking out or breaking down because to consider that everyone I loved hates me is a terrible thing to process. 

No. I'm not doing it. Imma shut if down and do it later. Because even this is upsetting me and it will only get worse. I'll carry on with the distraction instead and try again in a few weeks time. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I'm not sure how I feel today. I'm on an edge and I think I could tip either way. I've been thinking a lot about the text I sent to min on Monday and just old friends in general. And how much I want them back. So much. 

This all just needs to go away. I have to focus on work. I need to focus and be professional. I will be because that's what I always do. I carry on. I don't know any different. I wish I could break off that path for once and just do something unexpected. I wish I was stronger. 

I'm going to discuss all this with my therapist today. Maybe that will help. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Lazy Sunday's are the best. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. That might be due to the alcohol but also today has just been really nice. I've chatted to a few people but mostly just sorted my room and watched YouTube videos and whatnot. I'm really excited to get my new dreads so I can have yet another new hairstyle. Having long hair again is going to be cool :) 

Watching the football this evening and chatting with friends. Today is a good day. Maybe the meds are working :) I hope so. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I've had such a wonderful day at con today. I met up with new people and hung out with some old con friends and spent time with my dad and it was just really nice. This con was so much more laid back than October and I think I actually enjoyed it more because I wasn't stressing as much. I'm exhausted now though. The adrenaline is wearing off and I'm definitely crashing. Still, I had a really good day and felt genuinely happy. Happier than I have done in such a long time. :) 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I've felt more peaceful today. Work was a drag as usual but I've gotten back early and I'm just trying to gather my thoughts before getting on with something this evening. 

I visualised getting into various car accidents all day today. I think it was the weather and the huge potential for accidents that probably set it off. It's really been hammering down today. I tried to start a conversation about pathetic fallacy with my work colleagues but they didn't really understand so I stopped. I couldn't talk about it with anyone else so I've not explored that line of conversation. Probably best I guess, don't wanna get dragged down by linguistics cause it will remind me of other conversations I can no longer have. *sigh*

I've got things to get on with today anyways so I'll keep my chin up and do them and get on with things. Going through the motions. 

Gotta think of something positive to end on. Vik messaged me first today. That was nice, that she's thinking of me even when she's on the other side of the world. That's cheered me up. She's a lovely person. I'm scared to get closer to her though. Just in case. But anyways. Happy conversations. Happy thoughts. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I woke up feeling anxious but I fought it off and despite feeling like I needed to puke and having a pain in my chest throughout the day I've managed fairly well. 

I have a lot of plans for this evening which may or may not happen but regardless I'm feeling productive which is a good thing. 

I'm worried about my dad. His surgery was today and I didn't have anyone to vent to about how I've been feeling about it which sucked a bit. But hopefully it goes well and he will be fine. 

~~~~

The rest of the day was a bit of a mess. I had a chat with Mani and kept panicking and it was so frustrating because I just wanted to have a nice conversation about her date and our wild Friday night (specifically what case the coke was taken off - we think it was either borderlands or RedDead Redemption) and the cabin but as always I dragged it down into a full on councelling session and it wasn't fair on her at all. I hate that I do this to my friends. I don't have many left and I use them and it's not fair. I need to stop that. 

I went to bed after that because the tightness in my chest just because too much and I cried a bit which was a good release and I think that helped me sleep. 

I missed out on my call with Monika which I feel guilty about though. :/ 

Oh well. Today is a new day. 

I'm having an anxious night. My heart is pounding and my thoughts are racing and I know I need to calm down. I need to breathe and not let this get to me. I am stronger than this and I don't need friends to help me through. I can do this on my own. I can. I don't need friends. 

I don't. 

 

Today I am making the conscious decision to better myself. I woke up late but that was okay. 

I made myself a reasonably healthy snack and then had a load of sweets afterwards but that was okay. 

I went to the gym and then lazed in bed for the afternoon instead of working on the project I wanted to start but that was okay. 

I am making the conscious decision to live life as it comes and not worry about the consequences too much. 

What will be will be. 

I am going to live and that is what matters. 

I am going to live. 

It's weird. I don't feel sad about things at the moment. I feel frustrated about things. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel empty. But I don't feel sad. Maybe that's because I knew it was going to happen. I've prepared myself subconsciously for it for so long that now it's happened it's just another thing. Another step closer to the end. 

Cabin thoughts

I'm sitting here. And I know I haven't sorted out all my plans. I know I haven't made all the arrangements I need to make. And I haven't sorted all the letters (now I have no-one reading my blog I'll have to write them by hand - I have my sketchpad here though so that I'll be fine). But I'm sitting here and wondering why don't I just get it over with. Why wait for another potentially devastating thing to happen when I know I want to die anyways. 

I want to be gone and god I want to die so badly. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to actually go through with it fully. And that thought scares me. Because if I don't have that option. If killing myself isn't a choice and there's no way out then what the fuck can I do. What do I do. I'm not getting any better. I'm never getting better. I'm condemned to a life of wanting to die and never quite getting there, wrapped up in perpetual misery as things pass me by and I can't stand the idea of that. 

I think that's why I'm scared to try tonight. Because it might just reveal that I can't. And knowing that would destroy me. 

I am going to try again. I know now that whatever I do I'm always going to ruin things for other people and it's not fair on them. I mean it's not fair on me either. I let people down but I'm also let down and that fucking hurts and I don't want to deal with the pain anymore. So I'm going to do it and I'm going to be relieved when I do it. Because what's the fucking point of life if you dont enjoy yourself. This year has been blow after blow and I don't want to deal with another one. I don't think I /could/ deal with another one.

I'm going to rent that place, wait til it's cold enough. And I'm going to kill myself. Maybe sooner than I planned but at least I'll finally be happy. 

God I hate myself so fucking much.
I ruin everything for everyone and it would just be so much better if I wasn't here.

I didn't want to get up today. But I did and that's a good thing. 

I will add more good things to this entry later because good things are going to happen. 

I have my presentation today. I'm really nervous about it. 

I overran and set the timetable back and kind-of ruined a lot of the other presentations and I rambled and didn't say everything I wanted to and I was freaking out the entire time but it's done and I don't have to think about presenting again til December. 

I saw a rainbow as I was driving home through the countryside with the sunset behind me and it was beautiful and peaceful. 

Today was such a challenge. I really didn't want to go today. I felt uneasy and I felt apprehensive and I just felt like going was going to open up a can of worms. Which it did. And that part was okay. The actual telling of stuff was alright because I was joking around like I normally do. But the idea of going back is really worrying.  And I'm not sure why. I want to get better than this. But I really don't want to go through all of this raw emotional stuff again. It's not fair. Why do I have to go through shitty life experiences countless times and still not be any better. Why can't I be emotionless and be content with that. I am jealous of people who can be like that. 

That said I've been told I have to write about three good things at the end of every entry regardless of what it's about so: 

Monika has made me laugh a lot today. I have joined the popcorn cult and that's fun. 

I have drunk a LOT of wine tonight and I feel very nice right now. That's a good thing. 

I have friends who care about me and that makes me happy. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I needed help to sort myself out yesterday evening and that's okay because it's okay to ask for help from friends sometimes. I calmed down eventually and made a plan of what I need to do today. I'm already up and sending my presentation this morning because that's the first thing on the list and I'm getting the day off to a good start. If the rest of the day goes pear shaped at least this will be done. 

I have a plan for the rest of the day and if it's devastating then I can go home early because I don't have a patient in the late afternoon. 

This day is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Today has been a positive day. I have read my book, spoken to friends, played my uke, listened to some old albums and generally felt really content. I even found my old gloves when putting away my sports stuff! I feel content and that's a really good thing. I'm doing good. 

Over and out, 

Gloves xx

I'm no longer feeling suicidal tonight. I didnt hurt myself and I got through it alone. I can do this alone. I'm strong enough. I don't need to bother people with my problems. I don't want to be a problem for people sucking out their happiness. 

I was having such a good fucking day and all it took was a selfie in the group chat to push that down the drain and now I can't focus on my book and I want to kill myself and why is life so fucking upsetting fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 

Other than my arm hurting like a bitch again and feeling a little lost  I've been alright today. I told Warren about what happened last night and Mani checked up on me too and it reassured me that people care about me and are there for me and it's not okay for me to assume that they don't want me here. I'm feeling like I'm in a better place about that now. 

Not I just have to deal with the new mark on my arm. And the fact that apparently my arm was bruised around the previous incision because my god my arm hurts like a bitch today. I thought my arm was on fire for a second when I straightened it this morning. Which serves me right I guess. 

In fact no it doesn't Warren said I need to stop thinking like that so no it's not my fault it's a symptom of my condition and it's okay that it happened and I'm going to try not doing it there next time I'll do it on my leg like he said and eventually I won't do it at all. 

I downloaded some more apps to help me when I feel the urge next time and hopefully that will help too. 

Overall I'm doing better today, even if I do feel lost and even though I haven't felt happy today. At least I didn't feel sad. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

It's okay. It's okay for me to feel like this.  It's okay for me to do this because it makes it better for everyone. I love people so much. It's why this is okay. Because I want people to be happy and theyre much better without me. You know how much I love you and that's the important part. 

I've gotten to the afternoon but all I want to do is sit and cry in my car. What is wrong with me?! I shouldn't be like this. I should be less selfish and actually contribute positively to people's lives instead of constantly bringing the mood down and ruining things completely. I need to get a grip and actually make meaningful positive change to people before I leave cause if not then what's the fucking point in holding out for so long.

Over and out, 

Gloves