I am going to try again. I know now that whatever I do I'm always going to ruin things for other people and it's not fair on them. I mean it's not fair on me either. I let people down but I'm also let down and that fucking hurts and I don't want to deal with the pain anymore. So I'm going to do it and I'm going to be relieved when I do it. Because what's the fucking point of life if you dont enjoy yourself. This year has been blow after blow and I don't want to deal with another one. I don't think I /could/ deal with another one.

I'm going to rent that place, wait til it's cold enough. And I'm going to kill myself. Maybe sooner than I planned but at least I'll finally be happy.