At some point I'll just come out and say it to you. But for now I'm just going to rant at my computer screen.
I feel so helpless and insecure all the time. Especially about cheer. I know we've talked about it in the past and I get that you've said several times that nothing will ever happen, but it just took me so much by surprise last time, like my feet were pulled from under me, and it really knocked me back. So yes, I hate it when you practice cheer five times a week for four hours at a time. It bothers me that you have so much time and dedication invested in that, and yet it's not balanced out with anything else you do. You don't put that much effort into quidditch. Hell you don't even put as much effort into your degree some weeks. I think it bothers me more that even though we've talked about how much I hate that you do it so much, you're not going to stop. Even if I told you that it hurt to think about it every time you went, and made me feel sick all day thinking about it, you'd still go to cheer, because you enjoy it. I don't want to get in the way of your happiness, of course I don't. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with you going, especially when you sometimes make me feel like I'm second best to it. Like you'll always put that first. And you will, always. You've already said that its because they need you. But I need you too. I hate saying that because I sound so clingy but sometimes I don't get to see you because you're practicing with your stunt group (one of whom is someone you know I don't like), or you can't come back at a certain time because cheer is on later in the week. And then you'll get upset later because you can't see me and it's my fault because I'm not available when you're free and somehow it's worse that I'm revising with my friend for an exam or preparing for a placement because you want to see me now and it's not fair that I'm not making time for you. It's just hypocritical.
If, come next year, you cancel more than a couple of times because of cheerleading, or insist you just have to go to practice while I'm visiting, I don't think I'll be able to make it work. Because if all our relationship ends up as is you making me feel guilty about not visiting more often and me feeling sad and hurt and insecure all the time, then that's not a relationship worth being in. Even if you love someone the way I love you.
I can't handle it for much longer. I just hope I find the courage to tell you all this before it breaks me. Before it breaks us.
God I'm just a bit messed up aren't I.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
