A December Catchup.

I've decided that I will just have to stop talking to him. It may be hard but I've found a good place to draw and write now - in the stairwell to B1 - it's quiet and not many people go down there.

^---- That was a LOOOOONG time ago. And a lot has happened since then.

I was talking with Stark every other day and then one time, Smurf followed me and decided to sit with me. It started pretty normally. He would look at my drawings, I would listen to music and we would both joke around a bit. He sat with me like that most lunch times and everything was great. We slowly and subconsciously sat closer together until in a free period on Monday 05 December he asked me a question: What would you do if I kissed you? Now, I had no idea what to do because every time someone asks you that it means that they intend on doing it. Plus my morals kind of go against kissing outside of relationships so I was pretty torn - seeing as I've wanted to kiss him again since year 9. Basically we discussed things for a bit - Hatter and such and in the end, we kissed.


So yeah, he came to the stairwell again on Thursday and it happened yet again.


And that was it for the week. Though, I was asked to move several times from the stairwell during that week so during my mentoring session on that Friday I was advised to move down a level. So I did. And on the Monday Smurf found me during his break in Physics and assured me that he wouldn't break my morals any more.... and then ended up kissing me anyway. :P That was when I started to feel extremely guilty about Hatter. She is my best friend and I was keeping a secret this big from her. :/

The problem was I really liked Smurf and if she found out then we wouldn't be able to be together. Plus I would loose a friendship and she would hate us both. Smurf would be devastated. I just didn't know what to do. Smurf couldn't decide between us both. As soon as she turned up he would start talking to her and completely ignore her. And I just let it happen, even though it was killing me inside.

On Wednesday 14 December we were talking and he came up with the idea that we tell her about "us" in stages. I was up for it but he had to make the first move. I was concerned at whether it would work and whether he really wanted to do it but I just decided that I would have to deal with whatever he decided. Even if it hurt me. It was the next day, Thursday, that our "relationship" really progressed. We kissed so... passionately that he actually went further than I wanted to, and we ended up in a very odd position but we didn't really care. When I asked him about what he thought we were 'together'-wise, he said that it was like a secret relationship, but I didn't get my hopes up. I just liked him so much and I couldn't bear it if he decided he didn't like me any more. I was afraid to be too clingy, and I still am.

On Friday 16 December, last day of school, Smurf skipped his physics lesson to sit with me in the stairwell. He started inspecting my rings and I noticed that I had left the ring turned around to point towards me from the night before so I corrected it, but he took it off, turned it back around and told me that we were together, even if it was a secret. :D I was literally jumping for joy and I felt really happy so.... yeah. The rest of the day was good. I played "Lego House" on L's guitar and Smurf sang with me. :) Then we hugged goodbye - him wearing the Smurf t-shirt I got him for Christmas, and I koala'd him for a while. :P Then went back to Timmehs and played Dungeons and Dragons (flirting and fucking to gain experience XD)

Revised for the rest of the week. Though on Wednesday I watched Happy Feet and on Friday I went to Northampton to buy an amp and then The Twin came round for a sleepover. We spent half of the night watching Nowhere Boy and the other half playing songs from it :D

Christmas was good. Bill came to stay and after opening some fabulous gifts, including: Severus Snapes Wand; Red Tartan Skinneys; Knee High Converse; and of course the Amp, I played my guitar for the whole of the evening.

On the 26th I went to the next sale and bought some pretty good jumpers and boots and then returned home to my pyjamas, chocolate, and movies. :P

On moms birthday we went to London. That was fun. Saw the Da Vinci exhibition and joked around with the Hopkins'.

The next two days I revised and did not much else. Apart from text Smurf and Jono.
And then I watched Sherlock which was pretty cool. Found Twin in the cinema too :D We had a major awesomeness squealage before we had to depart and resort to texting.

And that is the extent of my weeks catch up. I just wish that he would decide to talk with my Twin about his feelings (if any) for me.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Something I found saved on a sticky note from aaages ago....

Look. One part of me loves you to pieces as a friend and likes you a little more than that, and it wants to just remove Hatter from the equation somehow, and it doesn't care if I lose her because I care about you more than I'm... comfortable with. But part of me cant do that to her because when everything dies down, I know she'd always be there for me because as annoying as she can be, she is my best friend and knows everything about me, the only one who does, well apart from this little episode. It's just.... I'm scared because the last time I let someone in, they threw it back in my face and I don't know how people are going to react. I guess I just try to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one. I.... just don't want to make a mistake. The last time I did everything went to shit. Sorry.

Sleepover Events + The Week

So, I said that the next time I saw him; I'd have to start again. Yeah, well I'm starting from scratch because I have done something utterly idiotic. ¬¬

I arranged a sleepover. I have no idea why, I knew that by the end of it I would be elated and crushed at the same time. And still I let myself do it like the idiot I am. 

I am a terrible friend. I don’t deserve Twin as a friend. The things I do without telling her are unforgivable. The things I think about... I shouldn’t like him. GOD. I'm such a bitch!!! D: 

I'm going to write all of the events down so that its documented - that way whenever I feel unhappy, I can justify that I have felt worse: 

Hatter and I got into my house, greeted the guys and sorted drinks, the usual. 

I got changed and sat on Smurf before he complained that Hatter wouldn't be happy with that. - Whatever I do, Hatter is always involved somehow, I’m compared to her, forbidden to do stuff by her, trying to please her. I mean, I love her to bits, but it doesn't feel like I’m living my life anymore. And at the end of the day, she goes off with her new friends and completely forgets about me. 

Declared I was making brownies. - People followed me and we made brownies. 

We all sat watching the guys gaming for a while before Smurf put on "Don't mess with the Zohan." 

Smurf was sitting beside me and even though I was trying not to let it affect me, I still wanted to smell him :/ I know, it's weird but I just feel this.... pull? Urgh, I sound like a creepy stalker person. *Shudders*.  

Thankfully mum helped me get myself away by making me do all of the work concerning the food and table setting - even though Hatter said she'd help, she didn't, she was too happy snuggled up next to.... Him. 

Dinner was eventually ready and so everyone got to the table and ate. It was pretty cool actually. :) Lots of casual chatting and no awkward moments. 

We continued to watch "Don't mess with the Zohan" with very little seating changes. I started to feel like crap. Ate some crap brownie when the film ended. Made me sick. 

We brought out the twisterness :D I love twister. But then E had to go. Twister was fun but I felt bad when I was pressed against Smurf. I can’t do anything regarding him without feeling guilty. :/

After people got bored of twister and I brought down bedding while Crisp and Smurf went to the shop, although Crisp returned a moment later saying he’d lost Smurf.... How he did that we have no idea. Hatter and I went with him to look and after walking to the park and back we discovered that he was hiding in the driveway all along. I ran up to him and hit him in the chest a couple of times and Crisp hugged him. Hatter stood there looking miserable. I don’t know why – she never tells me anything anymore. :(

Hatter and I went back inside and did pointless stuff like more twister and watching The Giant One game whilst the guys were out. They eventually returned after their – “talk” and we decided to put on "Friends With Benefits." 

Smurf and Hatter snuggled under a duvet together for quite a while and I really couldn't deal with watching them so I sat in the corner by the door with my own bedding.

The movie had to buffer half way through so we all had a brownie break, within which The Brother was a complete nincompoop and decided he wanted to take away his laptop, out of spite of course. 

We convinced him eventually, but not before he closed the window which meant we had to wait for it to load. 

I think that's when Hatter left.... I'm not too sure because I never saw her go, but I know that Smurf moved to the chair above the bedding which meant that I did the only thing an idiot would do, faced with the options I did....: I moved and sat in the bedding.... >_> I am a stupid bitch.

Smurf came down from the chair after a while and Maxwell took my place in the corner with my bedding. Smurf leant his shoulder on mine for a while and I returned the gesture. In my own defence – at that point I initiated nothing, he did everything, but then again, I did nothing to stop him. I guess I just liked the feeling of being held, of being touched. I’d forgotten what it felt like to feel truly wanted until that moment, and I didn’t want it to stop. So, when he started to put his hand on my hand, on my stomach, I should have stopped him. Instead I welcomed it and moved closer to him.

Maxwell seemed to be getting a little lonely so I asked him to come over with the bedding. Once I’d done that, I spent the next hour having my attention and body fought for, constantly being interrupted by my brothers messages of course.

We talked quite a bit about random pointless stuff and all the while, the boys were re-adjusting themselves to get closer to me. Smurf always kept the contact under the covers though and I know why – so that if Hatter came down then we had time to break apart :/ We all got a little playful and so I bit the arms that were in front of me. In return Maxwell bit my arm and Smurf tried to bite my wrist. That failed XD Instead he ended up biting my finger. He started to run his tongue over it and I must admit I was a little turned on but I just acted careless so he didn’t know the effect he had on me... once he’d let go we started to “cuddle” again. We ended up having to take Smurfs glasses off because we couldn’t put our heads together properly. He was constantly pressing his lips lightly against my temple, but I don’t know whether that would count as a kiss or not? Meh.

The holding started out relatively innocent. Hands on hands, that sort of thing. But then we all got a little more comfortable and Maxwell decided to put his arm behind me. Smurf then put his arm all the way around my waist. It felt amazing; the smallest of touches and the whole on my skin was on fire. Maxwell started tracing patterns on my other hand which made it tickle. Smurf decided to gently stroke the side of my waist, which is my “spot” >.> so yet again I had to keep from squirming and hide what I was feeling. On several occasions he lifted my hands to his lips but it was the lightest of brushes so I don’t even know what that meant.

Eventually, after I had checked on Hatter and The Giant One – who we realised were still talking upstairs – we started the movie again. The first “sexual” scene that came on was a little awkward and they both held me tighter. Smurf and Maxwell both had their arms behind my head and Smurf held my waist below the covers.

When Twin came down, Smurf had left to go to the loo (thank goodness), and when he returned he sat beside me and didn’t try to hold me again which was lucky. From then on we just lightly brushed one-another’s arms every so often and had little foot “fights” :P

The film ended and we all sat for a second before deciding to go to sleep. We all hugged goodnight and the boys started to strip topless. I commented on Smurfs ribs before Hatter shushed me and ushered me upstairs.

We sorted the bedding and got ready for sleep. I went down again briefly to collect a blanket but got back up swiftly. I fell asleep eventually but I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about everything and I felt a little sick.

***********

In the morning I woke at about 7:30 and at quarter to 8 Twin washed her hair, so while she was in there we decided to go downstairs to check on the guys and to get a drink. They were all still asleep apart from The Giant One so we laughed at their sleeping positions before going back upstairs and getting changed.

When we came back down, they were still partially sleeping which was quite funny :P We prodded them for a while and once they woke I took the duvets up to my room and made a comfy space on my floor.

Then I made everyone breakfast. We ate downstairs and once we were done, while The Giant One set up the PS3 again, we played twister, which was hilariously funny ^^.

I got bored of watching the gaming after a while so Maxwell and I headed upstairs to listen to music. After a while, Smurf came up and joined us for a brief amount of time but I think he felt a little out of place although I didn’t want him to. I just wanted to lie next to him like the night before. I also regret not kissing him. I could have, it would have made it a lot more complicated and awkward but I wish I could kiss him, just to know what it would be like. :/

Meh, Hatter came up so Maxwell and I went downstairs to leave them to it... Yeah, I just found out that they kissed each other up there... And Twin didn’t even tell me... :/

Anyway, I was dying downstairs and once everyone had gone (I had a mini cuddle fest with The Giant One while I felt a little crap) I went upstairs... They broke apart and we had a little talk before Smurf got his things together.

Twin and I walked round to hers with the hutch... and didn’t really talk much. When we got back to mine Ninja had arrived. We talked a little before putting Eragon on. Hatter left part way through and left Ninja and I to it.

Twas a good movie to be honest... and we didn’t really have many truly awkward moments. Went for a walk with the Twin at one point and Ninja had to wear my braces XD but yeah. That was my day.... I had VERY mixed feelings. Very conflicting. :/

***********

I was sick on the Saturday night. At midnight I had to run to the bathroom. It was the first time I haven’t cried out for my rentals. I coped with it all on my own.... it was horrible. I still felt terrible afterwards; the relief only lasted for a couple of minutes before the sickness returned. :(

***********

Talked with Smurf on Monday, had a talk during our double free. I truly felt happy for most of the time and he effectively told me that he liked me... but then again, I’m only the rebound from Hatter so..... :/

***********

Went to the opera.... Tatyana’s song about writing the letter explained my feelings entirely... I need to find those lyrics. NB I finally found them!

Anyway, I was tired for the rest of the week. Literally couldn’t stay awake and felt truly terrible.

Tomorrow, Friday... and hopefully it will be better than the week I’ve been having so far. Today I had a good talk with Cleugh which was good I suppose, and other people have talked with me... I still feel bad though. :/ (Also, people who don't usually talk to me started talking to me today.... weirdest thing ever...) 

Whatever. I should get used to it. It’s not like things are going to change any time soon. Meh. I’ll just detach myself. If people think I’m happy then perhaps they’ll change how they act around me and I can focus on helping everyone else with their problems. As well as my school work. I need to catch up on chemistry.... :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Life is like a box of chocolates...: There's only one sort that you like and it's always been taken.

So life had gotten pretty low.

Kitkat revealed some secrets that have been kept from me for aaaages. :/ At least she told me now though.

It appears both her and H are doing more... things.. than I expected,,,, which was a bit of a shock.

Things haven't gotten much better. I still have piles of work to do and I keep procrastinating D: I even watched a  video on procrastination as a form of procrastination. I have hit a new low of laziness.....

Also, cut myself again yesterday. With a razor this time O.o yeah.... on my hip so its less visible... unless I go swimming.... which I might do on Friday.... Yeah, I didn't think that through. :/

Also, I'm trying really hard to get over Smurf (yet again) so I don't fudge up Hatters life... As soon as I see him I'll have to start again. I'm pretty sure of that. ¬¬ FML.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Vent Of Feelings - Crappness of crap.

So, i told him to do it today. he bugged and bugged and i just didnt know how to explain so instead i just blurted out that he should get over me and didn't get a chance to really tell him why and such. :/

I then had a bit of a wander round the school to try to calm down. unfortunately i didnt and had to try to keep myself from crying infront of everyone. that took effort. it also made it look like i was ignoring smurf and others too. it sucked. eventually everyone left apart from cleughy and i just broke down and sobbed into his shoulder for a while. felt a bit better afterwards... but only a little. i then proceded to help him with his relationship problems (even though i shouldnt be asked to help with them at all.) i hope i helped him a little.

I explained to cleughy that i might have started to like smurf again. so the only way to un-fuck-up his life is to get him to hate me. thats what i have to do. get him to hate me. that way if i do decide to go away then no-one will be affected. thats what im thinking anyway. unfortunately its not that simple. i get bursts of his smell every now and then and it kills me because it fuels whatever thing is burning at the back of my heart. :/ the thing is - hatter still likes him. which means that if i like him it would kill her. so even though it pains me to say it - i have to try and get over him once again. each time i do it engraves a little more of him into my heart but i have to do this to help hatter be happy, and that's what she deserves.

the giant one returned and i explained the whole situation to him again. he told me of his plot to destroy his ex's life.... yeah. :P

I ran off to the field with cleughy just before everyone arrived to avoid awkward conversations arising. i was planning to stay away from e3veryone at lunch but after cleughy and i asked one another some personal questions and then the giant one joined us, smurf and chan arrived. :/ i was really quite confuzzled because he acted as if id said nothing and yet i was dying inside. i got past that and eventually it was how it was before. really nice.... we left the field and such.... i talked with the others at the top benchy bit before and then left.

i thought that was going to be it but then twin and i walked le dog together and then ate sweets and went back to mine and had a talk fest. ate pizza. had a major talk fest about all of our feelings and such, and i felt bad for having to lie to her about my feelings for smurf. D:
listened to a bit of music, and then listed the pros and cons of smurf and stiffy. that was fun for a while. XD

she had to go home eventually though :/ rant done.

(i also watched the end of a VPM and had a shower.)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Vent Of Feelings - A very good day.

Today was awesome! :D Okay so there were some crappy parts but in total it was still pretty good.

Assembly to start with so I told everyone about my tongue eating dream.... that went down well. :P Hatter dreamed about a beach resort in Germany.... lucky sod. :P Aaaaaaanyways, we got sorted into a seating plan which sucked... ¬¬ im sitting next to chris though so that's okay I suppose. I also scared a person.

Then lessons blahahahahahhahah. Booooooring.

At break I listened to Smurfs iPod because I couldn't be arsed to get mine out. That was fun... i think. i cant really remember.... Smurf and Chris tried to carry me to chemistry again :P lol. and my bra strap came undone again.... O.o H tried to sort it out in front of everyone too DX

MORE LESSONS! - texted mon gay bestie in chemistry which was fun. he is so camp!

Luncheon. Well, i ate and then hugged the giant one before leaving to go to the field. cleugh and smurf joined me as i was sorting out my headphones for cleugh to borrow. we walked over to the corner and there was nothing to do.... so i fell on the floor... in the middle of the pitch. smurf lay ontop of me for a bit until the little ones did some oooing. we went and romantic raped chris and dan. that was fun. we ended up somehow lying on our fronts lying face to face.... until chris lay on smurf and then we created a little pile on. :D that was awesome. i then remembered the text jono sent me the other day and had a cowering moment..... O.o *shudders* i curled into a ball and then smurf tried to ask what was wrong and ended up lying over me. we lay like that for aaaages just talking :) twas awesome.... until mr king came along and told us off for innappropriate behaviour!!! O.o

Rest of day was relatively meh. talked for a little and then fashizzled out of school.

DANCE!!! We recorded things. it was epical. end of. :D

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Vent Of Feelings

Sooooooo, long time since I posted. I never got round to typing up all my diary entries did I? Ahhh well... I'll do it eventually. In the meantime I need to use this to vent my feelings because right now I'm really confused about everything.

Let me start from the beginning.

Now it may sound shallow and kindof "whoreish" but I'm in a bit of a predicament.

At the beginning of my Blog I mentioned that Ninja happened to like me and I sortof liked him back... Yeah well that's still going on, only there's more stuffles added to it.

After I got back I went to Soul Survivor which was awesome and everything but it didn't work out how I thought it would. Hatter spent all of her time with either Ninja or Stiffy, meaning that I spent most of my time with them (feeling left out) or without them (also feeling left out). I lost the buzz of Soul that it gave me last year whereas Hatter enjoyed every moment of it, (even when she was missing M muchly and needed to talk to him). So yeah, not the best expreience... anyways... then *consults diary* yeah well, I got back and didn't feel much better. Met up with friends a couple of times. Stark decided to declare his love for me, just as Ninja started to ask me how I felt about him (again) and I still didn't know... About either of them! D:

Skipping a bit, (and by "a bit" I mean A LOT but it's not that important and relatively boring), until RESULTS DAY arrived. Yeah.... Scary. I did ok, 2A*'s, 8A's and 2B's. Eh, I was hoping for better. Ahhhh well.
We all headed for Cleughy's house (because he was hosting this awesome party) and at the beginning it was fun. I met Ninjas puppy (who is adorkable) and stuffed my face with sweets. Unfortunately I quickly became depressed, and may or may not have cut myself whilst in the loo..... yeah. Had a good talk with The Giant One though. :) That helped a lot. I'm glad I can call him my friend. Still, Hatter was a bit mean that day, - she broke up with M, over the phone, Ninjas phone.... hmmmmm. I didn't really approve so I kept away, then again I think that made it worse because then she got upset that I wasn't comforting her. :/

Blahhhahhahhahahhaa. Lots more happened - we went back to school for one - but I cannae be arsed to go into that now because this is what I really wanted to say:

I started pushing people away, hiding in the library and the music rooms so I didn't have to talk to anybody because I didn't think I could. Everyone will think I'm a bad person if I tell them. IthinkIloveSmurf. There. I said it. I don't think I ever got over him in year 7. Instead I buried my feelings and used other relationships to hide it. But they never worked out because I could never truly kid myself that I didn't like him anymore. I can still remember exactly went on that Tuesday and then the science lesson because they always gave me hope that one day he'd like me back, and now he does... and I can't let him.

When I eventually got back to the octagon I started to talk to Smurf more. I listened to music and introduced me to some new artists which I loved. I just found out that he only talked to me to get Hatter jealous so... yeah. Then suddenly N decided to ask me out (GAH) I turned him down.... but he still likes me so.... lucky me. Stark also stopped talking to me so I supposed he was annoyed with me for turning him down too.... he still isn't talking to me... :/

Anyways, Maxwell and I started talking and became better friends (there's now a rumour going round that he likes me FML) I also became better friends with Newbie and Tobias. They're awesomely nerdy :D

Anyway back to the rant, Smurf and I started talking more and more and it got to the point where I would sit on the wall and he would come up to me and all break we would just listen to songs together.

Everything has gone to shit.
Ninja likes me.
N likes me.
Stark doesn't like me any more. (I can't decide whether this is bad or not :/ )

Yeah, so we all had a couple of get togethers and twin wasn't there for them/most of them so guess who I spent the whole time with? You guessed it - Smurf. Except when she did arrive at Le Bonfire Party, he ran off with her and had a great time. Whereas, I on the other hand had a breakdown in the dark.... Literally a breakdown. I went insane. I started screaming softly and sobbing and rocking on my knees... then ended up throwing bats at trampolines (or in the general direction of them - my eyes were blurry because of the tears). Hmmm, for the Get Together things were better, everyone had a great time, even me and at the end we watched Life of Brian - I sat on Smurf and then eventually Maxwell. It was brilliant. Then The Giant One had a birthday party. I stayed for the gaming too and ended up sitting on Smurf again. :/ I met up with L and Smurf the next day too - at the swings. They may (or may not) have noticed that I was wearing a thong...... (but it wasn't my fault because I wasn't planning on seeing anyone that day).

The next week was when everything happened. Hatter and I kept having snippets of talks and everytime I talked to her she became more strained. I could see it. She hated to see Smurf and I together but I couldn't bring myself to stop talking to him (selfish I know :/). Smurf and I kept talking and on Wednesday we talked... a lot.... it led to him telling me that he liked us both. I felt overjoyed but gutted at the same time. He kept hinting in the talks before and he kept bringing up subjects like - what would have happened if he hadn't dumped me in year 7 and the kiss in year nine and the talk in science - and I secretly hoped that he would start liking me again but then he said it and I realised that it would muck everything up. I think I still like him but now he's forbidden. Hatter is my only girlfriend who I'm really close to. Smurf and I have gotten really close recently and I think that The Giant One is one of my close friends too. Apart from that I find it hard to trust anyone. And that sucks for me. Hatter and I are so similar, thats why we're bezzies and how I can trust her - because I used to be able to trust myself, now I'm not too sure so.... that's putting a strain on our friendship, that and I'm making her jealous for talking to Smurf all the time.

I hate that people think that Hatter and I are the same person. WE ARE DIFFERENT DAMNIT!!! Some people notice that and sometimes they start to like the wrong person. I know that's not their fault but it still mucks things up. It's always us two. They place us together and start liking us both which eventually tears us apart. :/ It sucks.

A conversation Bails and I just had:

o    jenni mccallum one day probs sooner than u think you wont end up loosing people honestly i had the same thing,u just need to have confidence, and besides we all make mistakes in relationships, but dont let the past get you down, the future always looks bright 

o    you dont understand though.  I cant afford to like him again and visaversa because jenny still likes him and it will crush her. shes my best friend. i cant do anything to hurt her so i have to get jordan to like her again. that was the whole point in be becoming better friends with him - to get them back together because it was killing jenny but now everythings gone mishmashed. and now i dont want to stop being friends with jordan but if i dont then everything will fall apart. i dont have many close friends so i need to hang onto those ive got.  sorry for the rant. i'll stop bothering you now, i just needed to get something off my chest.

o    jenni! relax im always around its good to let got of emotions!in all truth we have a problem here, as jordan is waiting for jenny to come begging to him as good as, and is not going out of his way for her hes lost almost all feeling for her, but if we force them together WE COULD MAKE THEM BETTER AGAIN! maybe, as part of the original plan was being with u to annoy her but its clear its more than that atm,

o    he feels that jenny v doesnt like him tbh and that was part of several things leading him away from her

o    well she still likes him but doesnt think he likes her so she thinks she might try to start over with him. like, breaking up totally and then become good friends again from scratch. I told her it could be a good idea so im going to hang out somewhere else for a while so they have time together. it may mean that i cant be friends with jordan anymore which i'll miss but its probably for the best anyways. jenny deserves him.

o    jenni, you should stay in the group just allow me david lachlan cluffy and jenny to occupy him, and we will lead him in to her path and then disaperate to our respected females (you know who they all are) and allow what happens to happen

o    i think he wants to talk to her but wants her to make the effort

o    he wanted her back so much a while ago but felt she didnt want him so eventually lost interest quite recently

I just can't do it any more. I'm going mad. I'm tearing myself apart. One side of me is saying:
"Don't do it, you love him, and you've been waiting so long for him to like you back. Don't give up when you're so close." and the other side is tugging at my hair and reminding me:
"But what about Hatter. She's the only close friend you have left, you pushed the others away. If you don't do this you will lose her and may never get her back."
"Yeah but what about Smurf? He likes you, he'll be heart broken and may never talk to you again."
"That's a risk I'm going to have to take. Besides, you're just torturing yourself talking to him anyway. You'll never be together."
"Well he likes me now, he said so, maybe even more than he likes Hatter. They may never work out anyway - it's most likely they won't - and then you'll regret it won't you. Such an idiot sometimes."
"Well you're not too bright either are you? Letting yourself get that close to him in the first place. You should have listened to Hatter and left them alone to begin with. She was dealing with it."
"No she wasn't, she was ignoring the problem, blaming the fact that they weren't together any more on other people, namely me! I had to do something to take the blame from me, and to get them back together of course."
"You're so selfish! All you care about is what YOU want and no-one else. You're worthless and don't deserve to live."
"I know, I've thought about that enough times haven't I. You know that. After the cutting we were contemplating suicide..."
"But you were too weak to do it, and you realised that it was selfish anyway, the only selfless thing you've done all week."
"Well maybe I should think about doing it again. It would take all of this away, and it would leave the path open for Hatter and Smurf to get together. They'd be happy and I wouldn't have to be miserable watching them because that's what I was. Miserable."
"I know, you ranted about it constantly, you blamed the L breakup thing on 'Lack of Communication' but it was just you getting jealous of Hatter and Smurf again wasn't it."
"YES! OK! I STILL LOVED HIM! Seeing him with Hatter was the hardest thing I have ever been through but I coped, okay?! Better than what you did."
"I thought rationally. Covered up the feelings so that you didn't have to whine the whole however-many-months you stayed with him after you realised you wanted to take back your agreement to Hatter going out with Smurf."
"Well theoretically she did say that I could have him when she broke up with him..."
"Don't even think about that, it'll only get your hopes up again."
"Fine! I can't be bothered to talk to you any more!"
"Neither can I, just try not to do anything idiotic this coming week, although no doubt you and then you'll need ME to clean up the mess."
"I've got you out of loads of trouble before."
"Oh yeah, but telling Chris was a great move was it?! Now I've got to go and fix up that little problem and make sure he tells Smurf to forget about us in person because YOU chickened out of telling him to over Facebook. Moron."
"Fuck off. I didn't chicken out, I thought it would be better to explain it face to face so he understood."
"Or you were just stalling so you could be friends with Smurf a little longer instead of letting him get on with his life. It's not like you're going to be friends after school anyway."
"How would you know? It's not like you can see into the future. We could get together in a years time."
"I thought you were thinking about suicide a moment ago, now you're planning ahead?"
"I was just suggesting that it could happen."
"No it couldn't! He's either getting with Hatter or no-one at all. You don't deserve him whatever. You're selfish and manipulative and can't be trusted. You're talking to yourself for gods sake! You're mad!"
"Psycho!"
"Crazy!"
"Mad!"
"Bitch!"
"You're pathetic. insulting yourself instead of sorting out your problem. Forget boys, focus on your school work. You have an essay due."
"You don't think I fucking know that? I can't do it okay? I can't deal with the work but I have to try because Daddy expects me to get full marks."
"Stop trying to blame it on school or Dad. You know it's your fault. You've been too busy chasing after boys that you have no chance of getting with."
"Shut up! I know I have no chance with him but it doesn't mean I can't fantasise for a little while does it?"
"I wasn't just talking about Smurf. It's the others too."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do. You want everyone to love you. You're hungry for attention. You feed off their suffering, stringing them along before dropping them like rubbish."
"For god-sake! I just didn't want to lose my friendship with them. It had nothing to do with them liking me or not."
"What about Stark then?"
"What about him?"
"Well he used to like you but you didn't realise how much you liked him until he stopped. When will you learn? You have to act now. Choose one or you'll be alone forever."
"I'm probably going to be alone forever anyway, what's wanting people to like me now when in a few years time I lose them all to insanity? I deserve some company now to remember."
"Well if you accept full responsibility for what you do then I'm not going to stop you but just remember: If you do this you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, otherwise you're just using them for company. Don't waste your time with them. Stay friends and confide in them, cherish their love... apart from Smurf. Stay away from him or there'll be trouble.You'll be known as a whore for the rest of your life..."
"I'm already a whore - you've called me one everyday for as long as I can remember. It's drilled into my mind, slowly suffocating me. I despise you."
"Well remember  this: You're worthless, a worthless bitch and a selfish whore."
"I hate myself."
"And so you should. Go cry yourself to sleep and dream about the memories with Smurf because you won't be talking to him much longer. And whatever you do, don't back down. You can't wimp out of pushing him away or you won't have a Twin to be with any more. Have a nice night."

Yeah, that's how insane I am now. And I'm scared. Really scared. :/

I think that's all I have to say now so.... Yeah. I'll start keeping you updated on how I feel about things when I get time.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. I've been having these crazy dreams about Smurf and I being together but whatever. Just thought you ought to know.

Number 72 - Cinema with the Guys

What an eventful day.

Showered and dressed very calmly, sorted my DofE evidence out (finally) and even wrote some "Thank You" e-mails before Twin arrived (not even that late for once! ;P)
We both hopped into the car and got dropped off just behind Mcdonalds. As we walked up my eyes skimmed the surrounding area and a guy in black skinney jeans and a red checked shirt stood with his back to us beside a bench. I gave a little shrug and thought "Meh, he's hot." but didn't really register the entire person until Hatter announced "Oh look, O's wearing skinneys!"
Well.... that was awkward... though he really did look quite yummy in the tight trousers. ;)

We eventually got to the group of them and greeted them all (N, O and The Giant One), before Hatter and I both ran off to find Busker Guy. Alas, he was not there, so instead we went Bra Shopping while the guys scurried off to Game to look at boy stuff. I got this really nice white and blue spotty bra and panties set from Topshop (they always do excellent undies) as well as another two pairs of panties.
After purchasing said items we went off to find the boys, who were (as suspected) looking at boy stuff in the gaming shops. We grabbed a drink in Costa and sat chatting at a table for a while (slightly awkward as N and O were constantly shooting glares at one another >_>) until we decided to get going for the cinema. Walked all  the way there from town (the back route) which was exhilarating and slightly scary at times. We did come up with a fantastic name for my "new style" (which includes the blue hat K gave me, some 3D glasses, and my 'posh' posture). They called it P.ER.V. - A compilation of the words: Posh. Nerd. and Chav. What wonderful imaginations. ;)

So yeah, saw HP8 with the Twin (finally!) and it was just as good the second time as it was in America. The seating made it a bit awkward at times though... :P It was: TGO, Hatter, N, Moi and then O. Meaning I kept brushing arms with O (I still haven't replied to his message either :/) and every time Hatter and I needed to hold hands, N would have to smush back into his seat. So yes. Bad seating plan.
After muchos tears, the movie ended and we set off back to McDonalds to re-energise. O managed to bat a wasp out of the air (seeing as we were sitting outside) and stunned it. :P The wind also decided to bother us, so every so often, we'd have to go running after stray napkins and pieces of Happy Meal box. XD - OH yeah! Hatter and I shared a Happy Meal and got a SMURF!!! :D She has decided to take it home and will give it to me soon. I hope. :P
The Giant One stormed off near the end of the meal, which put a bit of a damper on things. :/

After the meal we each said goodbye to one another and that was that.

It was quite a good day actually, despite the awkward moments and tension at times. Yeah.
I still don't know what to reply to O.... D:

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 71 - A Day with Friends

Tried to sort out my bag this morning. I failed miserably. I didn't go to the park with everyone but I did talk with Hatter for a very long time over the phone.

We left for le friends house at 11:45 (stopped en route to pick up painted ponys from ebay) and arrived shortly after. We left at 8:30.

The day consisted of: playing on the x-box kinect - 'twas great fun!
Playing Cooking Mama on the wii - 'twas also ver ver fun.
Arguing with Chris (XD) as usual
Texting
Reading
Tiring everyone out at the park (including myself) :P

All in all it was quite a good day, taking into account the children we were with were 4 years younger than me...

Got back and finally packed all of my clothes and stuff into my overflowing bag.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Cinema tomorrow :/ Lets just see what awkwardness it brings.

Number 70 - Gregs B-day and Elliott

Woke up, washed my hair and started packing for Soul Survivor. Elliott arrived (a little late) and soon after Le Brother, Milo and Le Father went off to the football match. Elliott and I ate and then decided to Wii-ify. That we did (Super Smash Bro's Brawl) :D until The Twin arrived. She insisted on going out and to be honest, she was right because we'd been sitting inside for several hours.
Sat on the springy things and acted like lunatics (getting many weird looks from people) until The Giant One and Ninja arrived.
We all basically just hung around together, chatting and having a good time. It was nice. :)
Moved along to the round-a-bout park at half 6 and played dares. At 7 we returned to mine to bid Elliott adieu but ended up playing keepie-uppies with the balloons in a circle until tea was drunk.
I was expecting mother to insist on me staying home but I was allowed back out again until the very precise time of quarter past 8. :P We walked along, The Giant One and Ninja popped home while Hatter bought chocolate. Perry was working there and we both stood admiring him (definitely gotten hotter XD)
The Giant One and Ninja returned and after Hatter and I scoffing some more buttons we let them have the last couple ;)
Returned to the park once again but only briefly as Hatter had to return home. We all walked back with her and muchos hugs were given.
The Giant One was also beckoned home by his father and so Ninja and I walked home together (he had to pick up his bike). He didn't seem to understand, nor think, that I would be able to stay single for two years. I don't want to stay single either but I just want to be able to control my life properly and when you have another person, it makes it harder to do so. :/
He gave me a huuuge hug and watched me walk to my door (literally down the driveway). Ach, I really feel like I'm leading him on or something. I don't want to. Gah.
The Father and I collected the Chinese and we had a birthday meal. Le cake was nommish! :D

I retreated to my bedroom and talked to The Giant One and M on Facebook as well as O on skype.
After a couple of signal break ups when I was loading HP pages, I decided to give up and write my blog. I was very surprised when I recieved a Skype message from O ( meaning the internet was back up and I was online again.) The message was as follows:

"Ok jenni I have to say this before it blurts out of me. Ever since I broke up with you I've been regretting that decision ever since. All I want to say is im sorry and I want to make it up to you. Please reply but the bottom line is I still love you!"

W.T.F! It took him more than a freaking year to realise this?! Now what the hell do I do? Once again my love life has entered the Cake Shop of Doom and I've got pies aimed at me left, right and centre. ¬_¬

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 69 (ooer!) - Town and Ninja

Woke up with the sheets smothering me, Hatter had nothing. It's like I was magnetised to silk XD

We both washed, I came out of the shower covered in blonde hair though. :P Hatter 'malts' as badly as I do.
We were determined on going into town today so when mom drove us to Auntie Maggies, we scootled off into town to do stuff.

I cant really remember what actually happened because I wrote nothing else down.... But I assume we met up with Ninja there... Meh... Ahh well. I'm sure whatever we did was fun. ^_^

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 68 - Sleepover! :D

The Twin and I contacted one another, insisting we meet up :P and so sure enough, at Win's house, (mother said we had to visit), we embraced one another after several weeks of restricted contact.
Hatter came back to mine and we updated each other with the tales of our lives over the summer, whilst sitting in my messy bedroom.
Twin eventually announced that she needed to walk B - mothers orders - and so we walked le dog. Uneventful, although we did talk about C...
When we got back to hers she showed me her mask (love it!) - plus she suggested a masked ball for our 18th which I am very much in agreement with. :P - her Harry Potter book - which is spectacular - and we checked on Pottermore (which still wasn't open) -_- We also ate some chicken for dinner. Nom. Got back to mine and latopped, missed Pottermore :( so Hatter would have to try again "tomorrow".

Talked on Fb and looked at many pictures of Tom Felton. We even made a couple of "background montages" displaying his hotness. After swooning over him for several hours and talking about hot guys we potterified ourselves, flicking through pictures and scaring people on Omegle by screaming EXPELLIARMUS! (by text) at them. Got a good couple of conversations out of that actually.
Bunkered down and watched "HP 6" but before we finished we got tired and so shut le laptop down and slept.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 67 - The Hoggs Save Me!

I got up at 10:30 - very late indeed. Got dressed and started on the chores that the Rentals had asked me to perform. Luckily I Fb'd X and he invited me to the park with his brothers. :D It was extremely fun. We sat under the green thingy discussing holidays and such (eating rolos) before cam rode off, leaving the rest of us to throw balls and frisbees at one another.
Jack dropped by briefly to complain about his motor bike test and comment on the fact that he was now 16 before riding off (into the distance).
It began to rain and I ran off to wash the car, which I didn't do in the end. I did the washing and part of the pond instead.
After nomming some pasta salad (made by moi) for tea, I scooted off to X's again to play Guitar Hero!!! XD I had been talking to O but that game was more important. :D

Guitar Hero was AWESOME! I actually got the hang of it straight away :P We did that for ages, then X decided we should use his new mechanical telescope. :D While he set it up I got myself a drink and then trampolined. Cam was being "daring" and stupid (as per usual) and le little brother said "You look like a fish" which at the time made us all chuckle. :P
Unfortunately it was too cloudy to see stars but still, a fun day. :)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 66 - Getting Home Again

The movies I watched on the plane were as follows:-
Arthur (BRILLIANT)
Kung Fu Panda 2 (Good)
Just Go With It (Great)

I also listened to Adele and Take That - because there was nothing else to listen to - before watching an episode of Doctor Who. I went without sleep for over 24 hours and by the time we landed I was exhausted.

We collected the bags and collected the car and as soon as we got on the road I fell asleep. I have no idea how father managed to stay awake to drive. O.o I did wake up briefly when we stopped to drop le Brother at Milos (seriously doubt that he's going to be able to do much today though :P).

I helped carry the cases in and held out til about 9 but decided to get some rest in the end.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 65 - Departure

Woke up late, the rentals went out for breakfast wheras I ate 4 oreos and half an orange. :) Talked to X, O and TimeSpin (surprisingly about spinning) before I had to leave.

We left our bags at the hotel and tired walking down to "THE Bellagio" Hotel but it was really hot and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy so we walked into one of the hotels and got lost. It took us an hour to walk down the street... but being inside was cold, lovely and cold. :)

To cut a very long story short, we watched the fountains. They were spectacular. It took long enough to get to them though. :P
So we walked back along the street, not wanting to get lost again, to the Luxor.

Le Brother and I went into the "Bodies" exhibition (after walking past the magic carpet stand again *facepalm*) which was awesome. The whole of the bodies were filled with a polymer that preserved the entire thing to a cellular level. Real bodies on display. Really interesting, even the fetous section, which I should have found disturbing. Conjoined twins were on display.
We finished the walkthrough and waited for the Rentals to come out of the "Titanic" exhibition.
Visited McDonalds - I had my regular order but le Brother ordered a huuuuge Big Mac. XD
We retrieved out bags and got a taxi to the airport. The taxi driver was very nice to us. :)

We checked in ad passed through security (I got beeped twice because I forgot to remove my belt *double facepalm*). Moms bag got searched too and they confiscated my foot cream which had somehow got into our hand luggage...
I queued for the whole waiting period to buy 2 cokes and a carton of orange squash, plus I actually spoke to the counter person! Finally: progress! :D
Father and I counted up the change we had left: $1.09 plus a Canadian coin that looked like a dime. (10₵). We bought a packet of rolos for $1.19! (naughty us). Boarded the plane and began watching movies. :P

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. This is the tricky time change bit so I'm just nvfewnbfilb.

Number 64 - Grand Canyon Trip (plus my birthday! :D)

:O YAYNESS, I am officially 16! :L
The Twin and I are twins once more ^^
We woke up pretty early but I didn't mind. We caught a minibus to a small airport outside of Las Vegas. We had to wait there for a little while but I didn't mind that either. I browsed the gift shop with mother and discussed the Yogpod with le guys. XD Funny times.
It started to rain and we were warned that things could be cancelled if it was too rainy/lightening/thundering. :/
We got on the "midget plane" as dad called it and it was amazingly small XD It could only fit about 20 people at the most in it. Luckily there were only 6 of us. :) Flew over the land between LV and the Grand Canyon.
We arrived a little late and so were rushed straight onto the helicopter. :) I was allocated to sit at the front with the pilot!!! He was a very cool pilot and wished me a happy birthday. Once we'd flown over and down into the canyon we caught a boat ride down the river for a little while. Mom gave me another charm for my bracelet reading "sweet 16". We floated with the current, took pictures and then caught another helicopter (again at the front with the pilot - who was listening to some funky music :P) lol.

Went to the skywalk (via bus) - a horse-shoe shaped walkway made of glass that went right over the edge of the canyon. :D We looked right over to see 4000 meters down to the bottom. It was INCREDIBLE! :)

Another bus then took us to find FOOD! (And the bus driver was very nice and sang me a happy birthday too. :D) But yeah, NOM! Well... it was like school cafeteria food but whatever, it's still food. We had a good view of another part of the canyon (well it is 10 miles long, so you can't see it all at once ;) ). Took some photos before rushing to catch the 12:45 bus to keep from missing our flight.

Ended up waiting for half an hour for the plane to arrive ¬_¬ Had to watch a safety video over and over and over and over and over and over again. D: Oh, and le Brother noticed my wrists..... It seems scarred tissue tans better than old stuff.... therefore making them stand out. He told mom, I denied it - tried to persuade them it was just Angus but I don't know whether they really believed me or not... Still, she just ignored us as per usual... :/ So yeah, I need my gloves back. :(

We caught "Midget Airlines" and marvelled at the spectacular views, trying to ignore the tension in the air. When we landed I bought a handmade American Indian dream catcher and a spinner ring with moons and stars on it for my necklace. :)

After waiting for an hour for the bus we eventually got back to the hotel, at which point mom dragged us over to the neighbouring hotel and gave me a birthday treat. The live theatre performance of The Lion King!!! XD
The Brother and Father couldn't go because we didn't have enough money... but still... it was incredible. As the animals came down the aisles right beside us singing "The Circle of Life" I was fighting back tears. Just wow. Words cannot express it. ^^

Afterwards we stopped for a photo. A 'kind' man offered to take a photo of both of us together, so me agreed. Shortly afterwards he invited us to ride on his "magic carpet" - a green screen simulator - and obviously mother couldn't refuse and so we both rode on a magic carpet together on my 16th birthday... XD Not many people can say THAT. We also promised that we'd return and buy a picture/DVD when we 'went-and-got-money-from-the-husband'. We had to avoid that corner for the rest of the evening... :P

We returned to the hotel room, and while waiting for le Brother and Father to return from wherever they were, I looked on Facebook and e-mails. There were so many notifications!!! Horrifying! Still, all of the messages were lovely. :)

The boys eventually returned and we decided to EAT! Nom! Funnles. XD I took Boofle with me because he was too cute to leave behind. ^-^ Oooooh! Did I mention that mom made me wear a MAHUSIVE bagde for the whole day?! No? Well I have now. It was embarrassing. But fun. :)

Anyways, we went to the Pyramid Cafe and got meals. I ate some Quesadillas - well, by some I mean half of one cut into 4 :P It was simply delectable.

The Brother and I returned to the room, I went on Fb and talked to O while mom and dad went off to gamble.

I must say, this was one of the best birthdays EVER in my life (so far). XD
Spent the rest of my night completing my book.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 63 - Onward to Vegas!

I had another weird dream last night.... Okay, so Hatter and I were at Obamas House, chatting with him and listening to his strategy for the debt crisis. Then I found his model car set and started playing with it but mom told me off so I walked off and found O. We went sailing and people kept shouting out, asking me for advice on what to do in the debt crisis so I drifted off and O, Hatter and I went and stood with Obama to tell the whole of America our idea. Like I said, weird.

We drove the rest of the way to LV today. I read the whole way there (a whole book in the "Fallen" series) only stopping to listen to some songs that I have fallen in love with = "One and Only" and "Knocked Down", two very different and interesting songs. :)

We arrived at the "Vegas Strip" which is where all the famous hotels are with the Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty and The Pyramid (which was our destination). It is black and shiny and is made of windows and all in all it is awesome. And we are staying in it! :D
We dropped off our luggage and le Father and I went out to drop the car off at the rental place, which we did after driving round for 15 minutes trying to find it. Dad forced us to get the shuttle bus to the airport and then to the hotel because he didn't want to pay for a cab. Still, we had time to talk about stuff and since it was now officially the start of my 32 hour birthday (in England - it was only 4 in the afternoon in America) I got all excited. :) It took Father and I longer than expected but we did get another few good photos of the hotels. :)

I took a picture of the inside of the pyramid (which is theoretically wrong because it looks more like a Mayan temple than an Egyptian one but ahh well, what can you do eh?). Mom and le Brother welcomed us in and showed me the table layed out by the windows, covered with cards and a couple of presents ^-^ Epical! :) I heart my family (sometimes.... ;P)
In other news, Le Brother found a packet of Viagra while in search for the internet cable on top of the wardrobe... XD
I Fb'd with X and O before I was shuffled out of our room and into the expanse of the "tomb". We got lost, but eventually found our way to a buffet. :D I didn't eat a lot, but everyone else said that it was delicious.
Walked through the different hotels which was cool - New York and MGM and Excalibur. They all had smokey casinos in though, which we had to walk through, which started to make me feel a little sick :/ After walking past a few, getting on a monorail, and walking again in the humid air I really started to feel ill. Watched a volcano "explode" and looked at the lovely decorations in the Venetian (with the gondolas) - which reminded me of Hatter once again. I felt like I was about to puke so mother suggested we get a cab back up the 1 mile stretch back to the hotel to save me from walking. I was ready to agree with anything that got us back by then.
Feeling all sweaty and not being able to breathe properly, I somehow made it to the cab station. We got in line and once I sat down in the cool air of the AC I felt a little better again.
He dropped us off and I rushed up to the hotel room. After brushing my teeth and changing into my discovery cove t-shirt (Hatters twin one we use) and Fbing people "thank-yous", I went to sleep. Or tried to anyways.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 62 - Weirdest Dream. Ever.

Basically I dreamt that I took some people on holiday with me: M, L, Nerd, Some popular guy I've never seen before, Zilla, Hatter, (Moi) and Some popular girl that I've also never seen before.
It was like a mixture of  the school and the fair to the airport and then suddenly we were in Umbria. Why we were in Umbria I have no idea. We just were. We each had allocated rooms and sometimes we snuck into one anothers room and chatted. One time I snuck into M and L's room and we talked and had great fun. I can't remember why, I just know it was. :P I've drawn a little picture in my diary actually... So I'll copy it on paint so I can remember it or something... It was just really weird.

Le House plan in Umbria....? 

So yeah. Woke up from... That... and got on the road again. Spent 3-4 hours listening to the YogPod once again and read too.
Stopped off in Fresno and had a tour of these really interesting underground gardens. The guy who created them used to live underground with them... which was slightly strange, but still, it was awesome. He hand dug all of these tunnels and groves and grew loads of trees for about 50 acres. It really was amazing. His house actually reminded me of Hatter (everything seems to be reminding me of her recently, I think it's a mixture of the guilt of missing her B-day yet again and the fact that we've been apart for longer than we usually are when I go abroad), but yeah, I think it was the fact that it was cosy and handmade and I miss her more now.
So that was cool. Got back in the car and I did yet more reading. It reached 100°F as we got further south. I can't even imagine what it would be like if we didn't have the AC. You can tell by the windows though (which are boiling) how hot it is outside.

A bit of excitement along the way included a motorcyclist with his arse showing and the tire on the truck in front of us blowing up. Thanks to dads expert driving (and swerving) skills though, we managed to avoid getting hit (and potentially crushed) by the flying debris. 'Twas quite exciting actually XD

Ate at a "country western" bar after checking in and once I'd checked Fb, le Brother and I went swimming. I shared an awful lot of information with him that I shouldn't have but he returned the same secrets so I guess that was alright. He did say that he suspected I was bi though. Of course I didn't say yes because at the bar we'd all had another one of those "Homophobic vs Homosexual" arguments, and no-one won as-per-usual.

Meh. I feel really bad that I'm lying to my family but it's not like I can tell them without them taking me to a psychiatrist or something. :/ Ahhh well, I guess that's how life is. I might talk to Nerd about it. He always seems to know what to do. :)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 61 - Tree Hugging!

The Brother and I listened to the Yogpod in the car again today. They are HILARIOUS! I was annoying mother my constant laughter it was that funny. XD I might recommend it to my friends...

Saw these Giant Sequoya Trees today. They were EPICALLY AWESOME!!! I stood underneath them and felt like I was a mouse or something. That thought changed when I realised what it would be like if I was BLUE..... SMURF!!!! I hummed the theme tune all the way along the the pathway until Le Brother gave me a dead arm. :P
We followed the trail all the way to the fallen tree (the one they used to drive a carriage through O.o) and back - in total that was about 5 miles. Up. Hill. ¬_¬ Obviously we got lost once or twice but that's like the norm for us. :P But yeah, we got loads of pictures and le brother and I spent a while climbing inside the trees and exploring. :D
The trees were amazing though, and I started the tree hugging phase. Hugging a HUUUGE tree is great fun. :D
Afterwards, I went into this little museum about the old town and watched a blacksmith make a horses head out of metal. 'Twas COOOOOOL!

We returned home, ate - our waiter was the same as the time before and carried on saying "cheers". :D We said cheers when he gave us our drinks, just to make him happy. ^-^
Le Brother and I went swimming and daaaayum! The guys there were like... super toned and tanned! O.O  Hah. T and T... they had the 'T' factor. XD I just made a joke. I giggled at it. I am sad.
Anyway, they were hot.

They left and I had no reason to stay after that so we headed back to the room where we had... a family jacuzzi... Weirdest. Experience. Ever. Mom filled it with bubble bath, but the bubbles kept rising! It got to the point where I couldn't see my Father who was on the other side, literally 2 feet away.... So mother quickly got out. I stayed in and washed my hair which destroyed most of the bubbles.
Watched a movie - "Bedtime Stories" and typed up a blog, but there was no internet -_- so I couldn't upload it. :( Ahh well.

The Brother kept being disgusting and farting right next-to me so I had to leave the bed a couple of times.
Read a little and updated my blog.

Over and Out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. I have noticed a LOT of CAPITALS today. I wonder why.

Number 60 - Yosemite Falls

Visited the falls today. :) The views were fantastically beautiful, unfortunately mom left my camera in the bag and wouldn't let me bring the bag with us and so I didn't get any pictures. :( Used moms bad one instead.
We basically spent the day driving around through forests, although we did stop for an ice cream. :D
We also had a good talk from a ranger about black bears. 'Twas really interesting :D He was a great speaker, although he was interrupted by a woman falling out of her caravan. We think she broke her wrist. :/

Saw the fifth largest waterfall in the world: Yosemite (You-sem-it-ee) Falls. It wasn't that spectacular but le Brother and I climbed the rocks along the side to touch the spray. That was really awesome. We got a bit wet though and I almost slipped off the edge a couple of times....

The Mother and I also had a talk about how I was conceived (the whole fertility treatment thing) and what that might mean for me.... :/ I do hope I can have kids.
This time I remembered to ask when I was due - late at night on the 26th of July! I could have been born on the 27th! Damn my lateness. :P

We arrived back at the room and I internetted until my time ran out. Unfortunately, no-one else was online. :(
Ate pizza in the room and went to bed after reading a little more.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Merry Birthday Twin!

Number 59 - A Goodbye and A Journey.

Went to the market this morning. K bought me a "foxy" t-shirt which was sweet of him ^_^. I also bought a belt which I love. :) Got a few photos on a bench before we decided we finally had to part. We said our goodbyes, then I realised that I'd left my purse and Laptop bag underneath the bench XD so K and I sprinted back, luckily they were still there. :) Said goodbye again - including several hugs from K. And then we left. :(

The journey was long, so long that I had to first wish Hatter a Merry Birthday at 4 (midnight in England) and then at 5 I sent a text. :P I just couldn't wait. XD
Went swimming with le Brüder for about 1 and a half hours he got scared of the "pedo" who was watching us, so we got out. Ate dinner, the waiter was very nice and kept saying "cheers - apparently all english people say it instead of thank you? Who knew, eh? :P

I was shocked and worried to discover that wi-fi had to be paid for and was only accessible in the lobby!?! D: The one day when I needed it and they refused access!!!
I had to make do with internetting for an hour after dinner, listening to le Brother moan at how unfair it was that he had to sit with me ¬_¬. Still, I hope my Twin had a good day and got everything that she wanted. :)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 58 - HARRY POTTER!!!!

Went to the mall today.
After talking to O briefly on Skype and Ninja briefly on Fb we left (in our huuuuuuge Hummer). It's about 40 minutes away on winding roads... so that was very entertaining. :)
I bought some more shoes and so did le Brother and le Mother. Other than that it was fairly uneventful. We returned home and I watched the newest episode of True Blood. Read a little on Wattpad when the Rentals went out to the beach.
Talked to Hatter for ABSOLUTELY AAAAAGES! :D We were chatting and emailing simultaneously. 'Twas awesomes. We had a huge catch-up.
And then we left for the movie theatre.... EEEEEK!!! :D :D :D

After entering the wrong screen, we finally got comfy in our seats... XD
OMG THE FILM WAS..... Breathtaking! I cried from Snapes death until the very end... D: It was amazing, almost everything I thought it would be..... Apart from the minor detail about the diadem not melting in the flames, everything else was brilliant! :)
Freds death got me thinking though. I really couldn't ever lose my twin, ever. She's like the rock in my life. My other half. I feel a scary amount of reliance on her and if anything happened to Hatter I have no idea what I would do. End of.

On the journey home, I rode in the trunk: lack of seats once again. I thought an awful lot about my friends, next school year, and HP. Though my thoughts were interrupted at least 8 times when the car screeched to a halt as a deer leapt onto the road. Luckily we didn't hit any of them. :)

I felt a little depressed all day actually, apart from the HP moments - though my mood was dampened when I thought of the Twin back in England. :/
I think the buzz of feeling my burdens being lifted and the happiness of meeting up with K has finally worn off. :( I had a little lapse in Monterey (as previously documented) but this time I don't know why. D:

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 57 - Le Friends

Straightened K's hair once again - though this time he was shooting a gun so I sortof had to straddle him a bit.. :P Anyway, I think I'm getting better at it now.
Shot a couple of target boxes with a shotgun while in my nightie - I'm getting better at that too! :D
Kierans friends came over for dinner. I was a bit nervous about meeting them because I wasn't too sure of what they'd be like, but after a few awkward moments between us all.... It was actually pretty okay. ^_^

When a couple of them had arrived we walked down to collect Nat B from the station, but we set off too late and actually met Ty and Nat B halfway there. :) We all then traipsed back to K's house and I straightened Nat L's hair which actually looked quite good with straight hair.
Anyways, after dinner we all descended to the basement (where more guns were fired) and I straightened the rest of the guys' - Ty, Nat B and Peter - hair (even though they were more reluctant than Nat L :P).

Eventually we got too noisy so the rentals kicked us out and we headed down to the beach house. Le journey there was fantastically interesting.... Consisting of grape fights and mini scooter races (though those had to stop in the end because the wheels fell off... XD) 'Twas truly hilarious!!!
We arrived and trampolined barefoot for a little while. After it began to get both dark and late, we settled with just talking about the many differences between the two countries. They're all extremely fun to talk to though :) It's a shame I'll probably never see them again. :/ (Though Nat B and K may be coming to England next year!!! :D)
OOOOHH! I forgot to tell you. K might be going to college/uni in England in 2 years time! ^_^ So I might see a lot more of him. :D

Someone found some waterguns.... so naturally a water fight ensued. The guys ran around getting soaked and squealing like little girls before we all decided that talking would be more practical at this time of night... XD
Though during the talk, I reaslised that I can't become close to K.... because he lives thousands of mines away and I can't afford to class him as a close friend, because when I get back to England, I'd break down without his company... :/
Eventually we decided to leave and at midnight Peters dad picked us in his truck. We piled onto the back and he took us on a trip on the surrounding hillside roads. Standing up made you feel like you were flying and K held onto me as we all stood laughing together.
I vowed that it would be the last time I let myself get really close to him. It was.

We got back exhausted, I said goodbye to the temporary (:/) friends I'd made and we got ready for bed.
So at 1:00 in the morning, K fetched me from my room and we all watched "The Hangover" together. XD 'Twas awesome (and Le Brother and I spotted the hotel we'll be staying at in the background too! :P)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 56 - Le Market.

Woke up at 9 today.... Longest lie in EVER! Well... ever on this holiday anyways. :P
The fact that I was woken by the sound of gunfire wasn't that appealing though....
We had to unpack the suitcases before we could get dressed and go to the farmers market so once I'd retrieved my clothing I joined K and Le Brother in the basement:- they were firing K's guns just outside of his bedroom (which was also in the basement) hence the gunfire that had awoken me from my slumber.

Walked around the Farmers Market for a while until K decided it was boring and proposed we visit his old school instead. We broke into the playing field and nommed on Rolos while sitting on a bench (though I was a little jittery seeing as it was trespassing and I really wasn't too keen on getting arrested... O.o)
Eventually we left and visited the bookshop. I bought an awesome recycled paper drawing book and "The tales of Brothers Grimm" - the original (and more gruesome) version of the fairy tales. XD

Quickly changed into my new swimsuit - boardies and a bikini top (I heart it muchly) - before leaving for the beach.
Trekked through the forest along a really winding pathway for ages before we emerged on the Jellyfish-infested-beach. Sunbathed with K for ages and took many pictures. :P That was extremitally fun. ^_^
On the way back, K and I chatted mindlessly about everything and caught up on oneanothers lives, before comparing handsizes - and ended up holding hands?
I realised I hadn't held anyones hand since the break-up... :/

Sat behind K and straightened his hair when we got back, before eating dinner and watching Hot Fuzz for the first time too :) Utterly awesome.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 55 - San Francisco!

Today was AWESOME!!! :D
K and his Mom were a little late but it was fine - I got more time to read. XD Admittedly, 'Twas a little awkward to begin with but after a while, everyone relaxed and K and I started le teasing once more. :P
We walked on the Golden Gate Bridge which everyone makes a fuss about (I don't know why because there's another one just down the river... but it's grey instead of red.
I mocked K and his accent and he returned the favour, but refused to do his British accent which was disappointing... :P It also meant he lost the "Mocking Battle" we have going on, meaning he will probably retaliate soon... :O
The Rentals took us to the heart of San Fran and we spent the day touring around the main "attractions" while teaching K all about English culture: - For example; explaining what a Chav was... :P He made me wear his "Chavy (as I called it) hat, which was too big for me and kept slipping down over my face [but I didn't mind because it smelt nice... :P], for most of the day and in the end I just tucked my hair up to make it stay on my head. :D
Took many photos and laughed at a couple of "gangsters" as K called them.

The Rentals insisted on going to a baseball game so after The Brother and K ate their Tacos we set off for the stadium. Getting in was a disaster because Sarah had left a ticket at home, but after many different trips to many different offices, standing in many different queues, we finally got in.
K and I got bored and started a poke war (which is still ongoing) and I bit his fingers quite a lot (which he was a little disturbed about to begin with but I think he's starting to accept it now, so.... that's fine... :P)
We also met three of his friends at the game and they're coming over on Sunday so.... Let the gaming commence!
After the baseball game (which the Giants lost) we set off back to the 'parking lot'. K gave in and did his British accent, which led to us both experimenting with different accents the whole way back to the Hummer. I'd been riding in the boot for the journeys around the city (there were 6 of us trying to fit in a 5 seater car) so it was a relief when we got to Sarahs car and the two mothers got out. It meant I could poke K some more... :D

We stopped off at his dads house briefly to get some controllers and movies, though in the end he found neither and got a magazine for Le Brother instead - who'd fallen asleep in the front (bless him) :)
I must've had a little nap on the rest of the journey because I woke up with K's shirt draped over me so I didn't get cold, that was sweet of him. ^-^
We arrived at the house and he showed me around briefly - we searched through his stuff for a while - and I stole his HUUUUUUUGGGEEEEEE pillow/cushion thing (muahahahhaha!) before I went to bed and, surprisinly, fell asleep almost immediately.

It was a really good day. K kept hugging me and putting his arm around me all day which I initially thought was a bit weird (but who knows, perhaps le American people are more "touchy-feely" than back home? Maybe he's just a very nice guy. :P) Meh. I have concluded that K is extremely awesome, and much funner here than on Skype. XD

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 54 - The Aquarium.

Visited the Aquarium today. It took almost an hour to park because all of the 1 way systems and hidden entrances meant we kept missing the car park and had to travel all the way round again. XD
The Aquarium was amazing. ^_^ We saw several types of fish and birds (penguins) get fed. The School of Sardines were fascinatingly beautiful - all fluxing together and the way they swam made it look like they were a single piece of silky material, fluttering in a breeze. :)
We also had a 'behind the scenes' tour from a lovely guy who volunteered there. Es war sehr sehr interessant. Full of fish... and stuffles... :P Although looking at the exhibits made me feel a little sea sick for some reason... :/
Ahhhh well, 'twas still enjoyable. :D
After the Aquarium, mother took me shopping (while the men slept) and I purchased some new school clothes ^-^. We got some awesome pictures of the boys sleeping on the bench before we shouted in their ears and made them wake up with a start. Lol. XD

We found a restaurant and ate, and the food was delicious. I ate LOADS! - literally, half a pizza and a whole piece of cake! O.o I have no idea how, but I did it. :P
I also read the whole day, in any intervals I found and managed to complete "Fallen". Excellent book. I would highly reccommend it to everyone I know, but I'm sure most of the readers in the group have already read the whole series by now anyways.

So yeah, had a shower and washed my hair, it was getting very sandy, then half listened to the news while starting to read the next book. I did go on my laptop (after stealing it back from the rest of the family) and checked Facebook to see if Hatter was on. She wasn't, which was both good and bad:- I wanted to talk to her , but she was hopefully sleeping for once. :)
Instead I watched "Tangled" which was muchos enjoyable. :D I actually laughed out loud at parts and then had to pause it to make sure no-one had woken up... XD Hatter and I MUST watch it together. It sounds childish but 'tis truly and incredibly funny. Lol.

Got to sleep around 11:30 american time. Wasn't too late, but then again:- tomorrow I'm getting up at 6:30 to leave for San Francisco as we have to get there by 10:30 to meet K and his mother...(!)

OMG I'M SEEING K TOMORROW! :O This is going to be.... I don't know. I'm just so used to not being able to talk to him and now we're going to be living together. It's strange. Still. I'm sure it will be fine. :)

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 53 - On The Road Again

Drove for 6 and a half hours today to get to Monterey. A lot happened in that time though. The Rentals kept wanting to get out at laybys and take pictures of the views which started to get quite frustrating - apart from when there was something interesting to see:- Elephant Seals (which immediately reminded me of Happy Feet ^_^) and Goafers - (I fed one which was quite cool.)
The song "Angels" came on in the car and gave me a flashback of a huuuuge regret I have in my life:- Turning down M. I remember breaking up with Ninja for the second time (because I had been told he was cheating on me) and I didn't know how to keep him from hurting, so I said that I just wasn't ready to have a boyfriend at the time (when actually I still really liked another person [who never seems to disappear... ¬_¬ that prick.]) So about 30 minutes later, while sitting in a classroom already regretting the hurt I'd caused him, Lorraine came into the classroom saying that M wanted to "go out with me"(?!?!) like the immature asshole he is. And because of the sort-of-lie I'd told Ninja I physically couldn't say yes - hence he was rejected and probably a bit pissed off about it. The sad thing is, though at the time I told myself I wouldn't have agreed anyway, I really did want to say yes because apart from hurting me a lot and stealing my "first real kiss" in year 9, we never were that close again... :/ I wish I could go back and change that....

Aaaanyway, back to the now. I did some reading after that - started a new book. :) It's really good actually, leaves you wanting to know more. And then slept for a long while. Arrived at the hotel and after unpacking, we all went for a "nice walk".
I was tired and hungry and sunburned and I just wanted to get to town, so that 2 mile walk was a nightmare. We finally decided on a place and ate there but I still felt a little grumpy.
One thing led to another and mom and I got snappy with eachother. I had a key to the room so started to walk back down the path and reached the hotel in record time. :P It gave me a chance to think though... I even contemplated cutting again, I was that mad and upset.
The T.V. (when I returned after calming down enough to get blood out of my mind) was showing a programme on all of the English Royal Weddings which was fascinating and the longest I'd gone on this holiday listening souley to a British accent on the news. It brought back a bit of home sickness actually.
I read for the evening. That was it really. Also, I bought Hatter a present from America today. She probably won't like it but twas the only thing in the gift shop and it reminded me of her. Meh, should be okay.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Number 52 - Surfing U.S.A.

The family woke up too early for me today so I skipped breakfast with them and had a lie in. :) Unfortunately that meant that later when The Father and I went down to get me and egg and bagel (baaaaaaaagel anyone? ;P) there was a MAHUSIVE queue. Ahh well. 

The Brother and I had a mid-morning jacuzzi down by the pool. That meant we came back late and so we had to rush along to the surf shop to get our wetsuits and boards. 

The surf instructor met us on the beach and after going through the basics on the sand (and making us look like fools) we took to the waves. 

Surfing was... immense. When you caught the wave for the first time and went gliding through the water, you felt like you were flying. It was magic. Surprisingly, it was easy to stand on the board too. :) Catching the wave was the tricky part... It literally took about 10 minutes of crashing through high "fail waves" that spat salty spray in your face before a wave worth surfing came along. It was worth it though ^^ and I loved almost every moment of it (apart from almost drowning a couple of times :/) 

Anyway, de-sandified ourselves after we'd had enough and ate at a pub/resteraunt thingy. Hurried home ans we all had a go in the pool before realising how sunburnt we all were. Returned to the hotel room and had a long cold shower, which was excellent, as well as smothering myself in "after-sun" in an attempt to remove the red burntness that tinged my skin. 

Laptopped for the rest of the evening - checking Fb and reading Wattpad stories before going to sleep. Forgot to blog again. Silly me. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Number 51 - Le Beach

Long car journey today and a move of hotels once again :/ Slept most of the way there because we got up early to miss some of the traffic.
Everyone was a bit tense and grumpy when we left the car because people kept dropping things on the way to the hotel but everyone calmed down when we saw the room. 2 separate rooms - each with an en-suite. One had 2 double beds and the other a single king sized bed. Both contained T.V. sets. We were all extremely delighted XD
We all unpacked and 'bikini-fied' before setting off down the mountain path that led straight to the beach. Had a little paddle and caught a couple of rays (as well as catching the eyes of a few hot guys ;P). Headed into the town in search of food. Father located a fish and chip shop almost immediately and decided that we would eat there. No question about it. But we decided to wait until 4 when they had a 'happy hour' and therefore a price reduction (like the cheapos we are XP), so that left time for shopping. We found a little gift shop, the brother got a hat and I purchased a jumper declaring that I was a lifeguard on Pismo Beach (which will hopefully come in handy soon if I pass my lifesavers: Lifeguard Training Course after Soul Survivor) :D Ate at the chippy (I ordered a SMALL calimari which I still couldn't finish) and I also swallowed an Ice Cube. Not a very nice sensation :/ My throat was numb for a few minutes.
Walked back along the beach and tested a few of my accents which I hadn't tried in ages:- Irish, Scottish and American. The Brother wasn't too happy about that and gave me several dead arms because of them. :P

The Brother and I went swimming when we returned from the beach. That was good fun. We got back and mom stole my laptop to e-mail people (just as Hatter and K came online D:) ¬¬ I discovered the movie channel and that persuaded my Rentals and The Brother to move into the other room without my laptop to watch 127 Hours. I couldn't bare to watch it because I knew I'd probably be sick. :/ Instead I talked to Hatter until she (finally) slept. I'm really worried about her actually. She needs to get some proper sleep or she'll get ill :(
Watched a True Blood episode and read a little bit. After blogging I decided to get some sleep.

Felt a little "Meh" this evening actually. I looked through the photos on Facebook of everyone at E's get together and even though I'm having a great time here, I sometimes wish I was just with my friends at that get together. I suppose if people start discussing it then I'll just have to talk to M about something else. At least I'm not the only one who missed out. :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx