Ffs

 And here we are again. Just as soon as I feel like I am gettig control of this cloud of drepression it hits me in full force. 

I have this thing about control. I take control of literally everything around me to help make me feel more secure because really I just dont feel like I actually have control over my emotions. 

I want control. I dont enjoy feeling like this

 At the same time, at least I know what this feels like. Its almost comforting because its familiar. And i dont enjoy that its familiar. It just is. 

Fuck.

I feel like im back to square one. I don't know what to do. Im speaking to the councellor on friday but she hasnt been super helpful so I'm not that hopeful. 

I cant even do my job properly now. Im fucking useless. 

I havent been able to get my heart rate down all day. I did manage to go live and didnt cock up too much but even then my heart was racing and this sense of dread was just pushing forwards from the back of my mind and i cant make it stop i just want to go to sleep. I did cheer some people up though. I get messages at least once a week from people saying that my happiness is infectious and that its cheered them up so thats a good thing. I can stick around for that, because at least even if in feeling shitty like this if i put on a smile then it will make other people feel better. I hope its worth it, because if its not then whats the point of life? 

Im hoping the reason im feeling worse today is because of the drinking last night. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and i wont have to fake the happiness again. Cause i really dont want to have to, its so exhausting. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Something i found from a few weeks ago and its kindof the same as how i feel tonight

Feeling really down today and I'm not sure why. I just got out of a social with the quidditch team and i judt feel really empty. I dont really know what to do about it. I think I'm going to do some drawing on my arms instead though.

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I dont know how i feel tonight. Id probably describe this as anxious? Im aware of my heartbeat and im struggling to sleep because of it. Ie also been thinking of old friends tonight. I dont know what that means but its definitely been affecting my mood. It probably means i should start back up on the meds cause this has been happening a lot more frequently recently. I just wanted to prove i didnt need them. I guess thats not the case. And thats not a bad thing i know that. I am a better person for acknowledging my weaknesses and bettering myself despite them. 

I will thrive, i just need to give myself the right opportunity to do so. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx

Im double as good as i was yesterday so im going to count that as a win! Who needs to be perfectly happy all the time right? Im motivated to finish hades and do a costest of him tonight, and Im also almost finished with megara too! Next step is princess leia :D but after my workout and breakfast bagel of course. Today is going to be a good day! 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Red Sparrow

Watched a movie. I think the rape and violence of the movie has set off my anxiety as im feeling very on edge tonight. Today ive been feeling a bit all over the place but its definitely gotten worse since finishing the movie. Ive drawn the dice which has helped  hopefully the number will start going up soon. 

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Anxiety

I've just been overwhelmed with this horrid feeling all week and it's the same feeling I get when I think about Olly or Milly or Jake so I'm  almost certain it's my anxiety spiking, though it's not as strong as when I think about them so I'm  relieved about that, I don't think I could deal as well with double the anxiety. 

Everything is stressful at the moment and I'm trying not to panic but it doesn't help that noone is certain about anything so I can't plan very well. Also everyone is cancelling which means I'm spending my evenings sitting in my room overthinking which is also not pleasant and its just so frustrating. I was getting better at managing things but it's all piling up and getting on top of me and I don't know how to stop snowballing. My plans for the entire year are up in smoke and I'm struggling to look forward. 

My whole plan for this year was to make plans to look forward to. To have something constantly lined up. Something to live for. 

Now everything is being put on hold til god knows when and its becoming harder and harder to tell myself to hang on for the next thing. Because it might not even happen. 

I don't know. I'm meeting up with someone new this weekend which I'm holding on to at the moment. Just gotta make it to Monday. Then I can think about the next week later. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Today I felt the urge to hurt myself for the first time in months. I was worried this morning that I'm going backwards, that I'm heading back down into that darkness and that I'd just end up where I was back in October with no way out this time. 

I don't want to go back there. I want to prove that I'm stronger this time. I really do. 

I'm trying to plan things today. To get things under control. To make sure its all layed out so all I have to do is follow the plan. But I'm so scared that all its going to take is one tiny slip from the path and I'll suddenly find myself falling and falling and won't be able to stop until I'm sitting back on my bed with a razor blade in my hand and an even deeper more permanent, more final cut on my wrist. Please. I don't want to go back there. 

I'm trying goddammit. Just leave me alone. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi. That man just makes you feel like you want to keep going. That someone somewhere cares. I know they care now, it just took some time for me to see it. 

The gift of Love and Loss

"She was the love of my life. But with love comes loss, son. It's part of the deal. Sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it's all worth it. There's no greater gift than love."

Watched How To Train Your Dragon Three today, and this quote really resonated with me.

I understand it. I feel I'm in a better place now despite my hardships. I thought I lost the people I needed, but all it did was lead me to the people who truly care. And for that I am so grateful. ❤

Over and out,

Gloves xx

I started a post today but didn't save it and now I don't know what I wanted to say. But I know that it was negative.

So instead; I had my last counselling session for probably a little while today. I don't think I need it any more at the moment which is great but also maybe that means I need to really get on top of things. 

I've purchased the download tickets today. I'm excited. Im actually going! 

Also I'm making an active effort to change my lifestyle. I've purchased Abby's guide for the first time, with both my success at improving my physique just in time for comicon, along with the cash prize as motivation. 

Hopefully this time imma do it right. This year. This year I've made changes and it's going to *mean* something. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

What I want most in the whole world.

We just watched a sad movie about a broken marriage and it wasn't that sad but I'm crying and I cant stop feeling sad and this is not how I want to welcome in a new decade dammit because I've been feeling so happy lately and this little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that this always happens and I feel like I'm doing good again but then suddenly I'm not and everything goes to shit once again and I don't want it to this time because i have plans this time. Big plans. They may not involve the people I want to involve because they no longer associate with me, but I still have plans. Which I didn't have before. And I was so fucking happy that I was able to make them. To visualise them happening. To create a goal and ways to work towards the ideas I have for these plans. But now what. If I'm sad again am I going to hold onto these visualisations or are they going to slip away and out of my grasp like everything else? Will I sink into this pit of despair for good this time? 

I hope not. But I'm really not so sure anymore. 

There's less than an hour to go before the new year, the new decade and what I want more than anything else in the world is for someone to reassure me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that it's going to work out eventually. And what I want even more than anything else in the whole world is to believe them. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Plans for the future.

Some ideas and plans and goals. Not necessarily resolutions. But if i can stick to a couple of them I'll be happy. 

Get a tattoo 

Eat more healthily 

Work out regularly

Meditate 

Go to a concert/festival 

Make 5 new cosplays

Read more books - set a goal and stick to it (maybe one a week?) 

Try to do/finish something new each week

Dont be disheartened if I miss out on one of my goals - I can always make up for it and strive to be better next time. 

Maybe to travel more. I really want to start travelling. 

Gloves. Xx 

I've had a meh few days. Like. It's been nice just to have time to chill. But I feel like all I've done is piss about and gorge myself on chocolate and that makes me sad. I need new goals again. I need to be productive. I need to set myself a new task and stick to it. 

I'm going to really try this vegan thing. Really really. And hopefully by the end I'll have less cravings for the sweet stuff and I'll actually be better with food. I hope so. I want to get fit. 

It's a new year in like 2 days time and I'm not sure what this year is going to be like, but I really *really* hope that it's better than this year just gone. 

I'll write a list of ideas and goals tomorrow. Let's see if I can stick to it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Merry Christmas to me. Miraculously I'm still alive.

I wanted to wish specific people a Happy Christmas. But I couldn't. That hurt a bit. I didn't like having to be so conscious of who I could share some of the holiday love with. Overall I had a good day but it didn't feel like Christmas. I'm not sure why. 

For the next two days I'm going to have to be around people I am not fond of. Instead I think I'm going to start planning new projects and events for the new year. I think that will help. 

Maybe some yoga if I really need it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx