I havent been able to get my heart rate down all day. I did manage to go live and didnt cock up too much but even then my heart was racing and this sense of dread was just pushing forwards from the back of my mind and i cant make it stop i just want to go to sleep. I did cheer some people up though. I get messages at least once a week from people saying that my happiness is infectious and that its cheered them up so thats a good thing. I can stick around for that, because at least even if in feeling shitty like this if i put on a smile then it will make other people feel better. I hope its worth it, because if its not then whats the point of life? 

Im hoping the reason im feeling worse today is because of the drinking last night. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and i wont have to fake the happiness again. Cause i really dont want to have to, its so exhausting. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Something i found from a few weeks ago and its kindof the same as how i feel tonight

Feeling really down today and I'm not sure why. I just got out of a social with the quidditch team and i judt feel really empty. I dont really know what to do about it. I think I'm going to do some drawing on my arms instead though.

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

I dont know how i feel tonight. Id probably describe this as anxious? Im aware of my heartbeat and im struggling to sleep because of it. Ie also been thinking of old friends tonight. I dont know what that means but its definitely been affecting my mood. It probably means i should start back up on the meds cause this has been happening a lot more frequently recently. I just wanted to prove i didnt need them. I guess thats not the case. And thats not a bad thing i know that. I am a better person for acknowledging my weaknesses and bettering myself despite them. 

I will thrive, i just need to give myself the right opportunity to do so. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx

Im double as good as i was yesterday so im going to count that as a win! Who needs to be perfectly happy all the time right? Im motivated to finish hades and do a costest of him tonight, and Im also almost finished with megara too! Next step is princess leia :D but after my workout and breakfast bagel of course. Today is going to be a good day! 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Red Sparrow

Watched a movie. I think the rape and violence of the movie has set off my anxiety as im feeling very on edge tonight. Today ive been feeling a bit all over the place but its definitely gotten worse since finishing the movie. Ive drawn the dice which has helped  hopefully the number will start going up soon. 

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Anxiety

I've just been overwhelmed with this horrid feeling all week and it's the same feeling I get when I think about Olly or Milly or Jake so I'm  almost certain it's my anxiety spiking, though it's not as strong as when I think about them so I'm  relieved about that, I don't think I could deal as well with double the anxiety. 

Everything is stressful at the moment and I'm trying not to panic but it doesn't help that noone is certain about anything so I can't plan very well. Also everyone is cancelling which means I'm spending my evenings sitting in my room overthinking which is also not pleasant and its just so frustrating. I was getting better at managing things but it's all piling up and getting on top of me and I don't know how to stop snowballing. My plans for the entire year are up in smoke and I'm struggling to look forward. 

My whole plan for this year was to make plans to look forward to. To have something constantly lined up. Something to live for. 

Now everything is being put on hold til god knows when and its becoming harder and harder to tell myself to hang on for the next thing. Because it might not even happen. 

I don't know. I'm meeting up with someone new this weekend which I'm holding on to at the moment. Just gotta make it to Monday. Then I can think about the next week later. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Today I felt the urge to hurt myself for the first time in months. I was worried this morning that I'm going backwards, that I'm heading back down into that darkness and that I'd just end up where I was back in October with no way out this time. 

I don't want to go back there. I want to prove that I'm stronger this time. I really do. 

I'm trying to plan things today. To get things under control. To make sure its all layed out so all I have to do is follow the plan. But I'm so scared that all its going to take is one tiny slip from the path and I'll suddenly find myself falling and falling and won't be able to stop until I'm sitting back on my bed with a razor blade in my hand and an even deeper more permanent, more final cut on my wrist. Please. I don't want to go back there. 

I'm trying goddammit. Just leave me alone. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi. That man just makes you feel like you want to keep going. That someone somewhere cares. I know they care now, it just took some time for me to see it. 

The gift of Love and Loss

"She was the love of my life. But with love comes loss, son. It's part of the deal. Sometimes it hurts, but in the end, it's all worth it. There's no greater gift than love."

Watched How To Train Your Dragon Three today, and this quote really resonated with me.

I understand it. I feel I'm in a better place now despite my hardships. I thought I lost the people I needed, but all it did was lead me to the people who truly care. And for that I am so grateful. ❤

Over and out,

Gloves xx

I started a post today but didn't save it and now I don't know what I wanted to say. But I know that it was negative.

So instead; I had my last counselling session for probably a little while today. I don't think I need it any more at the moment which is great but also maybe that means I need to really get on top of things. 

I've purchased the download tickets today. I'm excited. Im actually going! 

Also I'm making an active effort to change my lifestyle. I've purchased Abby's guide for the first time, with both my success at improving my physique just in time for comicon, along with the cash prize as motivation. 

Hopefully this time imma do it right. This year. This year I've made changes and it's going to *mean* something. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx