Prom,
Jordan,
Jenny.
In that order.
Exam leave began on Friday. It's a scary thought that I may not even be going back to school after August. I can't say that I'm sad to leave though. There are so many memories there that I'd rather just move on from, that its not worth feeling sad over. What I will miss though, is the security. If I go to university, I know the newness of it all is really going to overwhelm me. School is like a very good structure for me, and I've had 7 years to get used to it.... So.... Yeah, it's going to be different, and may even be unpleasant at first, but I suppose I've got to give it a try.
Saying that, I can't wait to get away from home. I think something other than this house and these people ("friends" included) will be good for me.
So prom. The 24th of May. I can say I really wasn't looking forward to it at all. If it wasn't for Jordan I definitely would have chickened out at the last minute, because I knew that the other girls would make it difficult for me to enjoy myself. Some of them unintentionally, but others just too obviously, and I don't want to name names, but Cheryl really needs to get her shit together and think about the impact of her actions.
But it went surprisingly well.
[details of prom to go here when I can be arsed]
Then there's the whole Jordan situation. Recently I've been feeing very self conscious around him, and when he's around other girls, especially Hannah and Jenny. I'm trying to get over it, but it's hard when my eyes are betraying my mind. And then my mind starts betraying my logic. It's silly, I know, but there it is.
That said, I'm feeling a lot better. During the last week leading up to prom I wanted to ignore him. I just couldn't bear being around him, and I don't really understand why. It's like I felt suffocated by everyone at the bench, and his comforting made it worse. So that happened. I got a good unicycling practice out of it though. Not much revision, even though that's what I said I was doing. Meh. It happened. I'm over it. I'm going to try to be a better girlfriend. I'm being as selfish as Cheryl is, and that just isn't right.
On the day after prom I helped out at Jenny C's wedding with the Hogg's and Hollie. Which was fun. We had a lot to do though. And I had a little period accident. :/ it wasn't particularly pleasant. But chris was good about it. Talked with Jordan on the phone that evening too. I like calling him. It's nicer than texting. We're going to have to do a lot of it at uni though...
Sunday I spent revising. And then at 6 I went to Milly's for a movie night. Though it didn't start til later because all three of us went to pick Stark up from the bus station and he was late. We did have many hilarious conversations though, which was a plus.
Watched xmen and iron man. Ollie fell asleep the minute the second film started which milly and I found hilarious. It amazes me how fast he can get to sleep, it's like his head touches a pillow and he's out. We think he's either a vampire a werewolf, but we can't yet decide which one. :P
On Monday, I revised. And then in the evening I called Jordan again and we had another long and fun conversation. At the end of which I will explain with two words. Phone Sex.
Bloody brilliant, we should have tried it sooner. :P
On Tuesday, at 9, I went for a morning walk with Jenny, in the rain. So this brings us to the final point of agenda as it were. We talked about Hannah's party and those fateful goings on, how fake friendship seemed wrong to her, and Jordan and George.
From what I can gather, she didn't ever want to tell me about the kiss. She wanted Jordan to do it. Which I can't decide if it is cowardly, smart, or just indecisive. Whatever. I just know that she didn't want to tell me. Which is understandable.
She also explained how she felt guilty about being friendly with me, even if I knew. Because it happened, and she knew it was wrong. And however many times people say it, the Hollie thing I did was just not the same.
I also think I've cleared up the Jordan-stealing situation, as well as clarifying the George thing. So things there have finally been sorted out, and I feel much better about that too.
So now I still don't know where I stand with her, friendship wise, but I have a better explanation of why she's been distant. Whether this talk will affect how close we become again, I don't know. Probably not. But at least we've discussed it a little. Though we still have so much to talk about.
We also talked about the other girls in the bench. And she finally confirmed that they talk about me. Now all I need to find out is about what, and then how to fix what they think needs fixing. I know it seems a little ?shallow? of me, but I can't stand not living up to standards people have set. It makes me feel bad about myself, and then my self esteem plummets and takes ages to get back up to where it was. And, god, I hate that people talk behind my back. And I hate when people give me death glares. But what I hate even more is people pretending to be nice to me and then stabbing me later. I'll come back to this point in a bit.
The rest of the morning was me procrastinating until Jonnys party, which was nice. It was bowling. I did pretty well on the first game, came second. But the second game was shit. Oh well. I was having fun with the guys at the pool table. It was because I was on a team with the girls. And apart from Anna, I have been told they all bitch about me. That said, they were all smiling, apart from Cheryl, and giving me compliments and acting completely normal. It was so bizzare and it's like the Double Bind effect. I can't ask what they really mean by their comments, it's taboo, and I don't know what they're really meaning with their actions. What do they really think of me? I'd actually prefer it if they were all like Cheryl. At least I'd know where they stand. :/
So yeah, went back to Jonnys. Listened to the mindless chatter as per usual, and had a little sing-a-long with the Axis of Awesome before heading off home at 7:45
Then Jordan and I had a shower. It was a truly wonderful shower. ;) messed around a little.
Went to the cinema to see the Hangover part 3, and brought Greg along with us.
Got home and messed around a little more. Including with Jordan's present for me, which I must say, is brilliant. :P
Eventually, we were both too tired to do anything else and Jordan left for his own bed.
Wednesday morning Jordan and I slept in til about 10, and I'm pretty sure we made too much noise, but no one has commented so I'm not saying anything.
Spent the rest of the morning procrastinating and stuff til my psychology tutor arrived at 2:30
Then I went and relaxed in the guest room and started planning for the 22nd. *evil smirk*
Started trying to blog and then....
Then there's the whole Jordan situation. Recently I've been feeing very self conscious around him, and when he's around other girls, especially Hannah and Jenny. I'm trying to get over it, but it's hard when my eyes are betraying my mind. And then my mind starts betraying my logic. It's silly, I know, but there it is.
That said, I'm feeling a lot better. During the last week leading up to prom I wanted to ignore him. I just couldn't bear being around him, and I don't really understand why. It's like I felt suffocated by everyone at the bench, and his comforting made it worse. So that happened. I got a good unicycling practice out of it though. Not much revision, even though that's what I said I was doing. Meh. It happened. I'm over it. I'm going to try to be a better girlfriend. I'm being as selfish as Cheryl is, and that just isn't right.
On the day after prom I helped out at Jenny C's wedding with the Hogg's and Hollie. Which was fun. We had a lot to do though. And I had a little period accident. :/ it wasn't particularly pleasant. But chris was good about it. Talked with Jordan on the phone that evening too. I like calling him. It's nicer than texting. We're going to have to do a lot of it at uni though...
Sunday I spent revising. And then at 6 I went to Milly's for a movie night. Though it didn't start til later because all three of us went to pick Stark up from the bus station and he was late. We did have many hilarious conversations though, which was a plus.
Watched xmen and iron man. Ollie fell asleep the minute the second film started which milly and I found hilarious. It amazes me how fast he can get to sleep, it's like his head touches a pillow and he's out. We think he's either a vampire a werewolf, but we can't yet decide which one. :P
On Monday, I revised. And then in the evening I called Jordan again and we had another long and fun conversation. At the end of which I will explain with two words. Phone Sex.
Bloody brilliant, we should have tried it sooner. :P
On Tuesday, at 9, I went for a morning walk with Jenny, in the rain. So this brings us to the final point of agenda as it were. We talked about Hannah's party and those fateful goings on, how fake friendship seemed wrong to her, and Jordan and George.
From what I can gather, she didn't ever want to tell me about the kiss. She wanted Jordan to do it. Which I can't decide if it is cowardly, smart, or just indecisive. Whatever. I just know that she didn't want to tell me. Which is understandable.
She also explained how she felt guilty about being friendly with me, even if I knew. Because it happened, and she knew it was wrong. And however many times people say it, the Hollie thing I did was just not the same.
I also think I've cleared up the Jordan-stealing situation, as well as clarifying the George thing. So things there have finally been sorted out, and I feel much better about that too.
So now I still don't know where I stand with her, friendship wise, but I have a better explanation of why she's been distant. Whether this talk will affect how close we become again, I don't know. Probably not. But at least we've discussed it a little. Though we still have so much to talk about.
We also talked about the other girls in the bench. And she finally confirmed that they talk about me. Now all I need to find out is about what, and then how to fix what they think needs fixing. I know it seems a little ?shallow? of me, but I can't stand not living up to standards people have set. It makes me feel bad about myself, and then my self esteem plummets and takes ages to get back up to where it was. And, god, I hate that people talk behind my back. And I hate when people give me death glares. But what I hate even more is people pretending to be nice to me and then stabbing me later. I'll come back to this point in a bit.
The rest of the morning was me procrastinating until Jonnys party, which was nice. It was bowling. I did pretty well on the first game, came second. But the second game was shit. Oh well. I was having fun with the guys at the pool table. It was because I was on a team with the girls. And apart from Anna, I have been told they all bitch about me. That said, they were all smiling, apart from Cheryl, and giving me compliments and acting completely normal. It was so bizzare and it's like the Double Bind effect. I can't ask what they really mean by their comments, it's taboo, and I don't know what they're really meaning with their actions. What do they really think of me? I'd actually prefer it if they were all like Cheryl. At least I'd know where they stand. :/
So yeah, went back to Jonnys. Listened to the mindless chatter as per usual, and had a little sing-a-long with the Axis of Awesome before heading off home at 7:45
Then Jordan and I had a shower. It was a truly wonderful shower. ;) messed around a little.
Went to the cinema to see the Hangover part 3, and brought Greg along with us.
Got home and messed around a little more. Including with Jordan's present for me, which I must say, is brilliant. :P
Eventually, we were both too tired to do anything else and Jordan left for his own bed.
Wednesday morning Jordan and I slept in til about 10, and I'm pretty sure we made too much noise, but no one has commented so I'm not saying anything.
Spent the rest of the morning procrastinating and stuff til my psychology tutor arrived at 2:30
Then I went and relaxed in the guest room and started planning for the 22nd. *evil smirk*
Started trying to blog and then....
