What I want most in the whole world.

We just watched a sad movie about a broken marriage and it wasn't that sad but I'm crying and I cant stop feeling sad and this is not how I want to welcome in a new decade dammit because I've been feeling so happy lately and this little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that this always happens and I feel like I'm doing good again but then suddenly I'm not and everything goes to shit once again and I don't want it to this time because i have plans this time. Big plans. They may not involve the people I want to involve because they no longer associate with me, but I still have plans. Which I didn't have before. And I was so fucking happy that I was able to make them. To visualise them happening. To create a goal and ways to work towards the ideas I have for these plans. But now what. If I'm sad again am I going to hold onto these visualisations or are they going to slip away and out of my grasp like everything else? Will I sink into this pit of despair for good this time? 

I hope not. But I'm really not so sure anymore. 

There's less than an hour to go before the new year, the new decade and what I want more than anything else in the world is for someone to reassure me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that it's going to work out eventually. And what I want even more than anything else in the whole world is to believe them. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Plans for the future.

Some ideas and plans and goals. Not necessarily resolutions. But if i can stick to a couple of them I'll be happy. 

Get a tattoo 

Eat more healthily 

Work out regularly

Meditate 

Go to a concert/festival 

Make 5 new cosplays

Read more books - set a goal and stick to it (maybe one a week?) 

Try to do/finish something new each week

Dont be disheartened if I miss out on one of my goals - I can always make up for it and strive to be better next time. 

Maybe to travel more. I really want to start travelling. 

Gloves. Xx 

I've had a meh few days. Like. It's been nice just to have time to chill. But I feel like all I've done is piss about and gorge myself on chocolate and that makes me sad. I need new goals again. I need to be productive. I need to set myself a new task and stick to it. 

I'm going to really try this vegan thing. Really really. And hopefully by the end I'll have less cravings for the sweet stuff and I'll actually be better with food. I hope so. I want to get fit. 

It's a new year in like 2 days time and I'm not sure what this year is going to be like, but I really *really* hope that it's better than this year just gone. 

I'll write a list of ideas and goals tomorrow. Let's see if I can stick to it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Merry Christmas to me. Miraculously I'm still alive.

I wanted to wish specific people a Happy Christmas. But I couldn't. That hurt a bit. I didn't like having to be so conscious of who I could share some of the holiday love with. Overall I had a good day but it didn't feel like Christmas. I'm not sure why. 

For the next two days I'm going to have to be around people I am not fond of. Instead I think I'm going to start planning new projects and events for the new year. I think that will help. 

Maybe some yoga if I really need it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

My new binder just arrived. I put it on and looked in the mirror and apart from hating my size and overall weight gain at the moment I am overjoyed with how I look. Its just so good and right and I feel so comfortable with the shape of my body tonight. 

It's been a really good day. 

I had a wonderful time with Paige today. She's a truly amazing friend and an awesome person in general. A mature and reasonable voice in a cacophony of self doubt and naïvity. I enjoy her company and I enjoy our catch ups and I need to meet up with her more often. Its a very adult friendship but I think I need that. 

I'm a bit drained today but I'm still going to get some cosplay stuff done. Because I'm on a mission and I can visualise it being finished so soon. I can do this! 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

I have a drive. A motivation this week. I'm trying (and succeeding) to get two cosplays finished in time for Christmas :) it's slightly slow going while waiting for stuff to arrive but last night I completed an entire prop and it made me feel really good and driven and motivated to keep going. 

I've decided I'm going to buy the download tickets, that way I know I have another thing to look forward to and ensure that I keep going through into the new year. 

I am determined to beat this. I will persevere, as usual, but this time I'm not just going to drag myself along the bottom of the ocean. 

I'm going to swim. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

The drive up to stoke and back was slightly difficult. Just because it was a long journey and I can't control my thoughts forever. But at least I was able to rationalise why thinking "I hate myself" was wrong so quickly and the "this life is a dream" rationale actually really helped with that. Which is slightly strange because I kinda don't believe in it cause it's not exactly science.... But anyways if it helps it helps. :) 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx

I don't want to sound cliche but also I think we had a "breakthrough" of sorts in session today - I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to do much of anything so I'm indecisive and don't make decisions and leave other people to make decisions and let myself be swayed very easily against my better judgement because I think other people must know better than me and I obviously can't make the right choice until I've made a choice that I know is the wrong one and can't undo and can't defend myself against because in the end, despite being encouraged and advised by others, I'm the one who made it too and then that comes back to bite me most of the time and I blame myself and the cycle continues. If I was more trusting of my own decision making maybe none of this would have happened.

I know I can't dwell in the past so I will use this knowledge going forwards. Instead of continuing to shy away from making decisions I should actually make them. According to my morals and rational. Because actually it's quite good, if only I acted on it instead of letting other people convince me of their morals and rational instead. 

This is something I definitely need to ponder on more. 

Over and out, 

Gloves.  

Crochet, embroidery, and yoga are really helping me keep calm. I might try finding some more audio books to listen to while I craft too because I like the steady talking of podcasts rather than music in the background. 

I'm eating too much at the moment. I know that. Its boredom binge eating and once I start the habit it's really hard to stop. I'm trying, and being at work is making it better because I don't have access to food, but I'm still struggling in the evenings. I really don't want to put on weight. That's what's bothering me at the moment. I can almost feel myself getting chubbier every day and I know that's stupid and impossible but it's my stupid brain making me think it and I can't stop. I should go back to the gym and run again but I'm worried that will just help me to justify my binge eating more. 

I might talk about this in my session tomorrow. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Peace.

So I've started the commune wellness course. Which is highlighting to me a little more about why I am so unhappy with life. That and the therapy (and probably the drugs) are helping me to see what my issues are and how I can change my life to improve my general health and wellbeing. Starting with the self and my dissatisfaction with a lot of my core functions, even if I feel like they are going well. I am not gratuitous, I am constantly striving towards perfection, I have let things stagnate and that is causing this dissatisfaction in my life. I need to commit more time and energy and effort into things to improve myself. 

My mental state, my love of self and others, my friendships. These are areas I have neglected and avoided so much that they have fallen into a terrible state of disrepair that I now need to work on. 

My health and experiences, my drive for learning and bettering my growth in work and my hobbies are going well. However I am still dissatisfied. I have become complacent and in my strive for perfection have lost sight of what I truly want out of these areas in my life. This lack of appreciation is the root cause of my issues in these areas. 

And so I am going to strive to do more yoga and eat more nutritionally and to appreciate my body more. 

I am going to work on my hobbies, not with the outlook of perfection but instead with learning and excitement and growth. I am going to look at my work and ask myself what about it is making me feel dissatisfied, probably that I feel trapped (we talked about that in my last therapy session), and do something about it. I'm going to properly plan my trip. It's happening. 

I am going to try to meditate more, to connect with myself more emotionally and to further understand my body and why I suffer with my depression and anxiety. 

I am not going to dwell on past friendships, I am instead going to look at the present and the people I currently cherish in my life and asks myself what I can do to maintain our friendships in a healthy and sustainable way. 

I am going to let love wash over me as and when it comes, there is no point in looking to the past. I need to focus on the future. 

I feel really peaceful today. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx 

German Shenanigans

I found this on an old google doc. Don't know if I ever posted it. Thought it was funny. It's a good memory from like 2018: 

Wandering back from the supermarket, notice a sign pointing to an Italian restaurant 500m down the road. Decide what the hell we’re hungry and we're planning on eating out so start walking. Notice 3 minutes in we are deep into an industrial estate, no sign of the restaurant. Two men start walking behind us, we wonder if we have been lured into a trap with the promise of food. Finally spot it up ahead, go to door and ask for menu to make sure it has something we like. The menu is entirely in German (or Italian) - this should have been a clue. Turns out none of the staff speak English. We have stumbled upon a local diner and the staff look very confused. Take menu and sit down. Chef comes over and asks (looking quite in awe) “How did you find us?”  Upon telling him it was the sign, he seemed really happy; I get the feeling we had just proved him right. 

Had a freaking delicious meal. Gave a large tip. The waitress comes back to the table and asks “where do you come from?!” We attempt to describe quidditch but, from the look on her face, fail miserably. Settle for ‘sports at the stadium' with various degrees of overzealous pointing before walking off awkwardly and making our way home. 

The session yesterday was heavy. I meant to blog straight after but it was still a bit raw so I left it. 

I feel lighter today though so that's something :) hopefully the beginning of healing. 

I know I'm never going to get my friendships back so best to get full closure this weekend with Mani and then move on. Something new. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx 

I just want things to be back the way they were. I know I'm being immature. I just can't deal with all this anxiety over and over constantly recurring. Im feeling so stressed all of the time. I just need to be better. 

Today I freaked out after getting my train ticket checked. Music helped but I cant rely on that all the time. Goddammit. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Had a really bad night. My dream was something to do with saying things and not being believed. Think it's probably got something to do with the message I'm planning on sending on Wednesday. 

Can't worry about that now, I've got a fun castle to explore! 

Over and out, 

Gloves. 

Yesterday was really lovely. We went to the market and just did lots of typically French things like got gallettes and crepes and saussison and then drank mulled wine while looking at all the Christmas things and it was just really lovely even though it started raining. The fair was fun too and when we came back we had racclette and even though I wasn't feeling great the atmosphere really cheered me up. 

I'm not feeling so good again today but Sophie is so cheerful and optimistic and it just rubs off on you so we're going to play guitar hero before heading to the classical concert today and we've gotten all dressed up and its just nice :) 

I am grateful for Sophie and her continuing cheerful persona, even though she gets emotional and makes me feel a little guilty sometimes it's just really reassuring that she's always going to bounce back and be happy for me :) 

I am grateful for this holiday, I needed the break so much. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx