Fuming

SO........ Here's the thing.

Jordan and I meet up and do something every two weeks. We arranged to do it from the beginning of uni but it wasn't always doable. However, in January, before anything else was arranged. We checked what we had booked in and planned it properly. And it was working. I went to his and then he came to mine etc. However, on the weekend beginning the 14th of Feb, he had to go home for an orthodontist appointment. So I said I'd go home too so we could carry on meeting up, even though I was going home the week before. I had no other reason to go home, apart from to hang out with Jordan. So yeah. Context sorted.

Now, the week before I'd been messing around and it annoyed Jordan and for the rest of the week we didn't really talk much, but I thought we could sort it out on Friday when I drove him home. Hmmm.... So he got in the car and apart from saying hi and how have things been our conversation didn't exactly bloom. So to start one off, I asked whether "he'd like to see the Lego Movie tonight" (as I was under the impression that we'd only be hanging out at either one of our houses or maybe going for dinner this evening and none of those sounded particularly interesting). However, he needed to know a time because he'd arranged to have Chinese at home tonight.... So obviously I voiced my confusion at his reply and it turned out that he'd forgotten all about meeting up and the next time we would see each other was on Sunday morning to take him back to Birmingham. Basically I was a taxi so he could save money on train tickets. Bastard.

I don't know whether I overreacted but all I know is that I drove all the way home, just to sit around until I had to take him back.... And I wasn't very amused. In fact, we had also arranged for him to come over earlier in the week but when he got upset with me he said he wasn't coming. And later on he said he wouldn't have minded coming, but he was too stubborn to say yes (he actually admitted his stubbornness was the only reason he didn't come). Though I suppose it was good he didn't come over in the end because I invited Ollie instead because I have really missed him and he was great with the kids.

So yeah, I went back at 8:30 on Saturday night. Didn't get in until 11:15 due to various roadworks etc. but it was worth it. Because 1. I didn't have to deal with an hour long journey filled with tense silence, and 2. I woke up to a very relaxed morning as I sorted my essay stuff and read before Quidditch which would otherwise have been filled with point 1.

Sometimes I get very frustrated with him. But he always convinces me its just one of the downs in the relationship and that it will get better, but to be honest, we never talk properly any more and when we do, its mostly disagreements. I'm not happy, and haven't been for a while, but he always convinces me otherwise. I know its going to happen again, and yet I'm stuck in the cycle.

Help.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAA

So not writing on here didn't last long did it?!

Fuck it.

I just need somewhere to vent and this seems like the place that I use most. So lets go.

Now my first semester of uni, though stressful was kinda alright. I made some good friends and Jordan and I were closer than ever over Christmas. I suppose that was due to me being the most stable I'd been in a long time. Still. Apart from being tired from all the revision I was (supposed to be) doing, it was going pretty well. And when I went back after Christmas things were even better. I had great nights in with people I care about and I chatted and met up with Jordan whenever I could. Surprisingly this was only like a month ago but for some reason, it feels longer, just because I cant remember when I was last genuinely happy. I know it was in January sometime, but sometime between then and now, I don't know, I just switched off. Things are boring again. Also I have a terrible memory so maybe that's got something to do with it.

I still enjoy talking to people, in fact, that's a weird thing. I just want to talk all the time. Which is new because usually when this sort of thing happens I close up an block everything out. This time though, every moment I'm awake I think about who I can talk to and how to feel good again. Sometimes just talking to people about how I'm feeling is enough to make me feel a little better, and I'm thankful for that. I suppose I'm relying on people again, like I used to back at school before all the "things" happened. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not too sure right now. Probably bad because in the long run, people let you down. But I'm glad that I'm trusting people enough to let them help me. I have Jordan to thank for that I suppose. :) He's usually a big help with these things, though lately I've been relying on twilight more. I suppose that's because he's here whenever I need him, and we can talk in person, whereas its hit and miss whether Jordan will reply or not, and when he does he's usually distracted with more important things at his end. It's much easier to feel better when someone can comfort you properly, face to face, and give you their full attention.
Saying that, I'm really conflicted about Jordan again. I know I love him. A lot. He's my best friend. But every time we're apart its like he's in the background of my life, and while I try to get conversations going (and he does too) talking is becoming... like I dunno, a struggle (at least it feels that way to me). Some of the time. And usually it ends with me being frustrated that I cant be with him, which then in turn affects how I come across in our messages (I start getting snappy and I know it annoys him). I'm just very envious of all the people who can hang out with him every day. And I know that's a very clingy/psychotic thing to be saying, but I wish he lived a little closer so we could actually chat face to face more often. Its only been two weeks, but I suppose I would have like a proper talk with him in that time. When I get all muddled up like this, I sorta need that close contact. :/

Gosh this is longer than I intended it to be.

I guess I just want to say that I'm trying to be better, but I know I'll act weird some of the time and I want to get happy again. As long as I stay trusting of people (my friends), this 'boredom' might end soon. Then again, how long will the reprieve last? Because I know I'm just going to get worse again sooner or later. Things were going way too well.

People hate people who moan so I'll stop this now and do some work.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx