Found out that Smurf kissed Hatter at H's the other night. It serves me right I suppose. And it was bound to happen eventually. I mean, she still likes him, and it would be hard for him not to like her because she can be really wonderful and make you feel really special sometimes. Her way with words is great. It's how she makes friends so easily. Sometimes I miss her, but then I remember the things she did and what that led to... Meh. Basically, when she starts to talk to someone and helps them out, they start falling in love with her personality. The thing is, that personality changes and fluxes according to who she's talking to. I noticed that over the years. X and I used to talk about it all the time, how she'd tweak her excitability or sincerity for the person she was interacting with, almost weaving in between the small gaps in their personality. I still notice it. More-so now, I think, because I can see how she alters it for me now. I was blind to that before, because I wanted to overlook it and imagine that she was genuine with me. I mean, maybe she used to be, but she's not like that with me now.
I sometimes wish we were friends again. Like properly, not the dancing-on-egg-shells type of friends we are now. But I don't know. It would be tainted with the past and I don't suppose I could deal with that..... Thinking about that.... I don't think we could be friends for a long time. I suppose we should talk about that; suggest we quit trying to make it work for a while and just go right back to acquaintances for now. It would be a helluva lot easier.
So to conclude with the original point. I don't think I'm mad at him. Or disappointed. What I suppose I am now, is more paranoid about him leaving me than before. Because he could literally up and leave and go off with her at any point. And trying to convince myself that it's extremely unlikely is proving difficult. I suppose all I can do is focus on doing that, as well as trying to boost my self-confidence (which losing weight is hopefully going to push along). Talking about things will help too, but I can focus more on that in the future, and first work on trust. And in order to work on trust, and to trust him, I've got to be trust worthy, and to be trustworthy, I've got to be so much less childish and closed up about things, and in order to do that, I've got to be less paranoid. What a loop of dispair, eh?
Meh, I'll let you know how it goes later.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
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