Like when you get that closed up throat feeling, and you're struggling to breathe like your heart is stuck in your throat. And I don't know why.
It could be due to the fact that its late.
But maybe it's because I personally feel suffocated in my life.
I'm going to become a physiotherapist. It's never going to be something I love with all my heart.
I'd much rather be an actor (but I didn't go to enough drama clubs and things for that) or someone who works in art, designing stuff. Getting all creative and shit. Or something in music. Because being able to express my feelings in songs that people would know I wrote would be awesome. But I struggle to put the words I feel to music. So the on,y way that would happen if I wasnt the lyricist in the band. And if I could find people with the same passion as me. And the same taste in music. That would be awesome. But that's not going to happen either. Instead, I'm going to be mocked for my individuality and sense of style by my family and my boyfriend and hardly ever be understood. Which is a really scary thought. I want to ignore that, but I just physically can't.its like, my brother will go out of his way to get to me, and I let him wind me up. He always wins. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being ridiculed. I'm sick of being like I'm expected to be. I'm just constantly judged. I even feel judged by my boyfriend, even if he's not, I just... I'm never going to be perfect. I go through phases of emo, goth, punk, hippy, back to emo, and no one appreciates why I do that. I'm trying to find that one style that I really belong in, and every time I try something new, I'm ridiculed for it. And I JUST WANT TO BE FREAKING LEFT ALONE. I want to dress the way I dress without my brother, or mother or boyfriend or friends questioning it or telling me I look retarded or something. Same with what music I listen to.
I don't have the same music tastes as anyone I know, apart from perhaps Hollie. And it really bugs me that I'm "labelled" as soon as I tell someone the genres I listen to. I like most music, but some music really speaks to me. I can relate to the lyrics and I fell like I belong in those few moments the music is playing. God, it's just, the rush that I get when I listen to music is incredible. Like, I get all shaky and feel like I just need to jump and run and scream, and all of that energy is just left buzzing around me and its just brilliant. I should probably channel it into something like running to be honest though,because otherwise it's just bottled up into like anger or some other tiresome emotion that needs energy. And that's not always a good thing, because then I really do scream. Or do stupid shit that I really regret.
God. I just. Life is and I think has always been really complicated with me when deciding on what I want. The choices I make are nearly always the wrong ones, and I never understand why that is. I make mistakes and never learn why, so I make them over and over. And I can't seem to change. Like there are flaws in my personality and I know that and I try to change,but I also know that I will never be able to.and that bugs me a lot, because I want to make the people who get annoyed by these flaws happy. And I can't do that when I'm doing something they can't stand. And when they mention it, I feel like they're judging me for my flaws, and not noticing anything else about me. And with my paranoid mind, that never ends well. I always get pissed off with them for things like that, but I also know that it's me that I'm annoyed with. I'm not perfect, and in a vain way, I want to be, because then no one would judge me, or call me names or compare me to other people.
I need to talk about all of this crap with the people. But I can never identify the right moment to do so. It's like, I am never going to be ready to pour out my feelings to a persons face, it will always be cyberly. Because that's all I'm comfortable with. I need time to think and process my replys, becuaee if I don't, I say the wrong thing and everything goes to the shit. I don't even know what this is about now. I need to man up and stop crying and stop moaning about my life to myself and just admit to my flaws I suppose. Fuck! Why do I still feel like shit?! I thought telling myself all of this would help but obviously not.
I think im having relationship issues, though I don't really know. It's 2 hours past valentines day and I just admitted that to myself. Fuck that. What is a relationship supposed to be like? I don't even know why I think I have issues, I've just seen every other person in a relationship, and those people have stuff in common. Stuff thry can talk about. I can barely think of anything anymore. I don't really watch dr who anymore. Or misfits. I don't watch HIMYM. I rarely watch BBT. We have different tastes in music. Different dress senses (really different, and he comments onthat a lot which pisses me off. same with the personality flaws thing but im not going to bring thst up again now). Different religious views. I have no idea about politics, nor do I care. We have really different opinions on drugs, so much so we literally cannot talk about it without fighting. It's just, I list all of these flaws and I just see how awkward it all is. The problem is, I really do like him. I just have no idea why....
Perhaps I just like the IDEA of him. Maybe that's it, I just don't want to be lonely. That is like my darkest fear, loneliness. Worse than the dark. Or vampires. Lonliness. That thought sickens me to my core, I can't even stomach it. And talking about this is now making me feel even worse than before. Not better. Fucking hell I am a fuck up of nature. I don't even know what I want.
I like him, or the idea of him, actually no, scrap that. That's just retarded. I like him way more than just as an idea. Yeah fuck all the above shit. I've admitted to myself that I love him several times. I just backtrack on myself a lot and question it. I do that a lot. Question things. I should stop doing that too. That always fucks up my brain so bad. But yeah. I love him and shit. I just need to be more,,,, solid in my thoughts on that, and listing out the negatives in our relationship is a bad thing to do. I mean, we have common things like....
We like watching movies. And mean girls.
And smurfs. (Even though they do get onmy nerves a lot actually)
And other stuff that I can't think of right now.
Probably.
I don't think it helps that I get jealous of him easily. He's got loads of close friends. I can't stay close to people. I always find a way to distance myself before I get too connected. I could go all psychological on this now but i won't. Too late (well, early) to do work like that. I need to stop the whole pushing thing though, because I complain that he's really good friends with people, but it's not like I make an effort to do things like that. Bu yeah, just small things, like when he goes off with the physics or maths people and they all share a inside joke and then they notice me and try to explain it, but it's never going to allow me to be included. I just get more confused, and they look at me like im less intelliget. that doesnt bither me so much actually, i am less intelligent. but the factthat my boyrpfriend doubts my intellectusl abilities in the oast kindof hurts a little. i mean, i wouldnt just make up things like that, just to make him like me more or something. but yeah, and then as soon as I say something about art or drama he's just like, whatever, and doesn't even pretend to give a shit about what I enjoy. Fuck. I'm not moaning about him, I am moaning about myself, that happens to involve bits of him. I love him just as much for all of his annoying bits too. But I wish sometimes that he'd just grow up and talk with me that he's annoyed about. Not just bitch to other people, or tell me when he's drunk, or bitch to other people when he's drunk. JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT. God. Maturity. Plus, He moans at me for not being "good" anymore. I mean, he said I'd changed after I came back from France. And since then he's just complained about my personality. I'm not perfect, I cut. I dress weirdly. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and I do drugs occasionally. That description is like the typical teenager nowadays. So why is he complaining? Really?
Right. I am done now. I am feeling even sicker than before and this has not made me feel any better. I've cried whilst writing this for fucks sake. That's just unbelievable. Why would I get emotional over my words? I only get emotional about other people's words. Usually lyrics. Fuck I need music. Something to make this shitty feeling go away.
Of course, I know exactly what would make this better. But I have promised my boyfriend that I would refrain from doing it. And it's not drugs, it's the other thing. And I have the biggest urges to just go ahead right now because it is the only thing I can think of to make me feel better. I am literally shaking at the thought, hands. Too. Juddery. To type. Thank fuck for autocorrect.
So yeah, instead, ill play sudoku.
Going to stop now, done, fin.
I've offended so many people in this thing. I don't know whether I should post this now.
My boyfriend will probably break up with me if he ever reads this. And it will break me if he does, but if course it's understandable. I've made it seem like I think he's a dick. And he's not. He's wonderful, we just don't have much in common and I hate that. I want us to have more in common and talk more. I would love that in fact. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to spchange. I don't know whether I WANT to change. Gkvkhfyifyikuv. Time will tell what happens. God, sometimes, I hate my splurges. At least I haven't cut myself. Or had an argument with myself. That was an eventful post.... Yeah. Really stopping now. I should probably sleep. It's 2:28 and I don't feel tired at all. Not even a little bit. That in itself is worrying. I don't want my insomnia to come back. That was like the lowest point in my life.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. (2:29) maybe I've just got the flu or something and in a couple of days ill be fine. Maybe I've got acting nerves for tomorrow. (2:30) well.... Today I suppose. My brain, Ahhh! I'm Jesus! God. I need more of those quotes like, all the hate goes to my dick. If I had one of course. (2:31) life just needs to calm now.
One more thing before I stop. I am incredibly insecure about my weight. And i really can't remember why. I think it's a mix of comments from my parents about my lack of excersise and the vast quantity of shit (hypothetical of course) which I shovel into my mouth. Like. I eat way too much for it to be good for me, and I can tell. I can only just fit into pairs of jeans which used to be loose on me, one pair I can't even fit in. The other reasons could be media I suppose. My brother, of course. People telling me I'm not fat actually. Both the "you're fat" and "you're not fat" statements get to me. Probably becuase they're mentioning my weight? I don't even know. I just know that the context is irrelevant. If my weight is mentioned, I feel insecure. And if anyone touches my legs in the wrong way, that makes me insecure too. I'm just way too insecure for my own good. I wish I could just stop eating for a while. Like last time, only this time have my mom not find out. I haven't thought about that in ages. Then again, year 11 seems ages ago anyways, and I have a pretty shit memory so,,,. Bleh. If I could get away with it, I would stop eating tomorrow. Or today. After sleep! Whatever. I don't care about times anymore. (Though btw, 2:38)
Okay, well this has been a rant and a half, plus another couple of halfs. Bleh. Fuck life. Fuck society.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I don't have the same music tastes as anyone I know, apart from perhaps Hollie. And it really bugs me that I'm "labelled" as soon as I tell someone the genres I listen to. I like most music, but some music really speaks to me. I can relate to the lyrics and I fell like I belong in those few moments the music is playing. God, it's just, the rush that I get when I listen to music is incredible. Like, I get all shaky and feel like I just need to jump and run and scream, and all of that energy is just left buzzing around me and its just brilliant. I should probably channel it into something like running to be honest though,because otherwise it's just bottled up into like anger or some other tiresome emotion that needs energy. And that's not always a good thing, because then I really do scream. Or do stupid shit that I really regret.
God. I just. Life is and I think has always been really complicated with me when deciding on what I want. The choices I make are nearly always the wrong ones, and I never understand why that is. I make mistakes and never learn why, so I make them over and over. And I can't seem to change. Like there are flaws in my personality and I know that and I try to change,but I also know that I will never be able to.and that bugs me a lot, because I want to make the people who get annoyed by these flaws happy. And I can't do that when I'm doing something they can't stand. And when they mention it, I feel like they're judging me for my flaws, and not noticing anything else about me. And with my paranoid mind, that never ends well. I always get pissed off with them for things like that, but I also know that it's me that I'm annoyed with. I'm not perfect, and in a vain way, I want to be, because then no one would judge me, or call me names or compare me to other people.
I need to talk about all of this crap with the people. But I can never identify the right moment to do so. It's like, I am never going to be ready to pour out my feelings to a persons face, it will always be cyberly. Because that's all I'm comfortable with. I need time to think and process my replys, becuaee if I don't, I say the wrong thing and everything goes to the shit. I don't even know what this is about now. I need to man up and stop crying and stop moaning about my life to myself and just admit to my flaws I suppose. Fuck! Why do I still feel like shit?! I thought telling myself all of this would help but obviously not.
I think im having relationship issues, though I don't really know. It's 2 hours past valentines day and I just admitted that to myself. Fuck that. What is a relationship supposed to be like? I don't even know why I think I have issues, I've just seen every other person in a relationship, and those people have stuff in common. Stuff thry can talk about. I can barely think of anything anymore. I don't really watch dr who anymore. Or misfits. I don't watch HIMYM. I rarely watch BBT. We have different tastes in music. Different dress senses (really different, and he comments onthat a lot which pisses me off. same with the personality flaws thing but im not going to bring thst up again now). Different religious views. I have no idea about politics, nor do I care. We have really different opinions on drugs, so much so we literally cannot talk about it without fighting. It's just, I list all of these flaws and I just see how awkward it all is. The problem is, I really do like him. I just have no idea why....
Perhaps I just like the IDEA of him. Maybe that's it, I just don't want to be lonely. That is like my darkest fear, loneliness. Worse than the dark. Or vampires. Lonliness. That thought sickens me to my core, I can't even stomach it. And talking about this is now making me feel even worse than before. Not better. Fucking hell I am a fuck up of nature. I don't even know what I want.
I like him, or the idea of him, actually no, scrap that. That's just retarded. I like him way more than just as an idea. Yeah fuck all the above shit. I've admitted to myself that I love him several times. I just backtrack on myself a lot and question it. I do that a lot. Question things. I should stop doing that too. That always fucks up my brain so bad. But yeah. I love him and shit. I just need to be more,,,, solid in my thoughts on that, and listing out the negatives in our relationship is a bad thing to do. I mean, we have common things like....
We like watching movies. And mean girls.
And smurfs. (Even though they do get onmy nerves a lot actually)
And other stuff that I can't think of right now.
Probably.
I don't think it helps that I get jealous of him easily. He's got loads of close friends. I can't stay close to people. I always find a way to distance myself before I get too connected. I could go all psychological on this now but i won't. Too late (well, early) to do work like that. I need to stop the whole pushing thing though, because I complain that he's really good friends with people, but it's not like I make an effort to do things like that. Bu yeah, just small things, like when he goes off with the physics or maths people and they all share a inside joke and then they notice me and try to explain it, but it's never going to allow me to be included. I just get more confused, and they look at me like im less intelliget. that doesnt bither me so much actually, i am less intelligent. but the factthat my boyrpfriend doubts my intellectusl abilities in the oast kindof hurts a little. i mean, i wouldnt just make up things like that, just to make him like me more or something. but yeah, and then as soon as I say something about art or drama he's just like, whatever, and doesn't even pretend to give a shit about what I enjoy. Fuck. I'm not moaning about him, I am moaning about myself, that happens to involve bits of him. I love him just as much for all of his annoying bits too. But I wish sometimes that he'd just grow up and talk with me that he's annoyed about. Not just bitch to other people, or tell me when he's drunk, or bitch to other people when he's drunk. JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT. God. Maturity. Plus, He moans at me for not being "good" anymore. I mean, he said I'd changed after I came back from France. And since then he's just complained about my personality. I'm not perfect, I cut. I dress weirdly. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and I do drugs occasionally. That description is like the typical teenager nowadays. So why is he complaining? Really?
Right. I am done now. I am feeling even sicker than before and this has not made me feel any better. I've cried whilst writing this for fucks sake. That's just unbelievable. Why would I get emotional over my words? I only get emotional about other people's words. Usually lyrics. Fuck I need music. Something to make this shitty feeling go away.
Of course, I know exactly what would make this better. But I have promised my boyfriend that I would refrain from doing it. And it's not drugs, it's the other thing. And I have the biggest urges to just go ahead right now because it is the only thing I can think of to make me feel better. I am literally shaking at the thought, hands. Too. Juddery. To type. Thank fuck for autocorrect.
So yeah, instead, ill play sudoku.
Going to stop now, done, fin.
I've offended so many people in this thing. I don't know whether I should post this now.
My boyfriend will probably break up with me if he ever reads this. And it will break me if he does, but if course it's understandable. I've made it seem like I think he's a dick. And he's not. He's wonderful, we just don't have much in common and I hate that. I want us to have more in common and talk more. I would love that in fact. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to spchange. I don't know whether I WANT to change. Gkvkhfyifyikuv. Time will tell what happens. God, sometimes, I hate my splurges. At least I haven't cut myself. Or had an argument with myself. That was an eventful post.... Yeah. Really stopping now. I should probably sleep. It's 2:28 and I don't feel tired at all. Not even a little bit. That in itself is worrying. I don't want my insomnia to come back. That was like the lowest point in my life.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. (2:29) maybe I've just got the flu or something and in a couple of days ill be fine. Maybe I've got acting nerves for tomorrow. (2:30) well.... Today I suppose. My brain, Ahhh! I'm Jesus! God. I need more of those quotes like, all the hate goes to my dick. If I had one of course. (2:31) life just needs to calm now.
One more thing before I stop. I am incredibly insecure about my weight. And i really can't remember why. I think it's a mix of comments from my parents about my lack of excersise and the vast quantity of shit (hypothetical of course) which I shovel into my mouth. Like. I eat way too much for it to be good for me, and I can tell. I can only just fit into pairs of jeans which used to be loose on me, one pair I can't even fit in. The other reasons could be media I suppose. My brother, of course. People telling me I'm not fat actually. Both the "you're fat" and "you're not fat" statements get to me. Probably becuase they're mentioning my weight? I don't even know. I just know that the context is irrelevant. If my weight is mentioned, I feel insecure. And if anyone touches my legs in the wrong way, that makes me insecure too. I'm just way too insecure for my own good. I wish I could just stop eating for a while. Like last time, only this time have my mom not find out. I haven't thought about that in ages. Then again, year 11 seems ages ago anyways, and I have a pretty shit memory so,,,. Bleh. If I could get away with it, I would stop eating tomorrow. Or today. After sleep! Whatever. I don't care about times anymore. (Though btw, 2:38)
Okay, well this has been a rant and a half, plus another couple of halfs. Bleh. Fuck life. Fuck society.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
No comments:
Post a Comment