Ranting. So much ranting. :/

So.... I've recently been looking at past blog posts, amongst 'other' writings.....

Let me divulge.

So I've just been reading about the times when Jordan was a little bitch. All the time. I've read about him cursing me and bitching about me, and given this was in the past, I sat there and laughed. I was when I started making connections with similar things happening now. For example, him getting "distracted" by Hannah on our 6th form induction when he was in a relationship. Okay, I accept that he's a guy and I know that she has certain assets which she refuses to cover up, but still, I shouldn't still have deja vu when I think of him interacting with her.

And to make things a little worse, he lies to me. Like a lot. And he seems so certain in his answers I actually believed him and thought I was just a terrible girlfriend because I seemed to be the only one doing the wrong things. And I do a lot of them, bitch about him, I've kissed another person, and well....

Ahem. I did a bad thing. A very bad thing. And I wish I could blame it on my paranoia, but honestly I was just extremely curious. So yeah, I logged onto his FB account. And read a message. It was only one set of messages, I hasten to add, and I didn't mean to read more than a couple of lines, but they were bitching about me.... So.... You know, I felt like I needed to read on, even though i knew it was wrong. He and Hannah were discussing an upcoming party and Hannah was talking about Joel coming and mentioning how Joel is obsessed with me and Jordan got upset about that comment, and he said;

"Nah, you just put the cherry on top of the cake.
Trust me, I'll just hang with you guys in the earl."

And I suppose that was excusable because Joel doesn't hide his affection for me and he would probably be fighting for my attention, but it's what he said next in reply to Hannah offering to take Joel away from me to remove the temptation and so Jordan could be with me....;

"The temptation for what? He has to get in line.
Hollie, then Ollie and then Joel."

Which, from what it looks like, Hannah now thinks that I have cheated on Jordan with all three of them. Or at least the first two. And it's just like, I read this, and thought 'but when I ask him, he says he never bitches about me ever' so I thought this may have been after I first asked him so he wasn't actually lying to me, so I skyped him and asked him the same question. Several times, in many different ways. I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me basically. And the answer was always negative. So.... Either he doesn't remember this conversation with Hannah (and the various others later on which I will discuss in a second) or he is just lying to me.
And so we continue. In the next section of the conversation he actually proves that he's lied to me a little bit. Basically, I remember when we were talking (obviously at the same time as him having this conversation) and he said he'd only been bitching about me and Hollie, when he says to Hannah;

"Just so you know, I told Jen I bitched about her to you about Hollie only."
To which Hannah replied: "Okay, that's cool, I'll just lie my ass off if asked."

So.... That's another time when I was lied to.

[And don't even get me started on the whole HOllie business...... >_>]

So this next section, I bitch about both of them. Think of this as a transition of bitchness. Okay. So in Hannah's defence, at the beginning, Hannah is generally alright. Hannah is joking about Sheldon having better legs than her. And then shes talking about having withdrawal symptoms for him and thats okay because you can have that with a friend and then they discuss parties.... but then talk of suits and HIMYM comes up and they're talking about wearing suits and dresses. And from then on, Jordan is just saying all of these really inappropriate things about her;

J: "I know but still, when did you last wear a suit"
H: "I don't have to, as a girl I have to wear matching bra and panties and sun dresses."
J: "or we could leave the dress in the wardrobe"
LIKE WHAT? I mean, yeah it's a small joke, but you don't suggest that your friend just wear underwear around you. Especially when your girlfriend has said several times that she is intimidated by said friends body. Anyways, we continue;
H: "but my sun dress is so pretty and I can't wear a bra with it, so I can't do the whole matching thing"
(Obviously griping for attention, because you don't have to mention not wearing a bra after someone has suggested you take your dress off.)
J: "Then we take it off later."
OKAY MISTER. One time, I could deal with, but the second time is just pushing it. You don't carry a joke on like this. You make a small joke, and then you leave it. You don't carry on suggesting she take her clothes off for you.
H: "We?"
J: "Fine I'll do it myself"
WHAT THE FUCK?! That isn't even suggesting anything anymore! When is that appropriate to say to a friend? And when you have a girlfriend too? And Hannah actually picks up on this;
H: "actually it was your involvement I was questioning"
J: "Fine strip tease"
Okay so this comment had me fuming, but the next couple of messages left me wanting to tear my hair out.

H: "are you going back on what you recently said?"
J: "huh?"
H: "doesn't matter"
J: "no tell meh"
H: "last time I saw you, you called off all our pacts and said nothing would ever happen between us, now you are talking about strip teases, but my jokes with drunk Jordan's ramblings are no fun when you don't remember"
Right, so this basically confirms that the above comments were jokes, yes I knew that, but they were still inappropriate things to say in general. What irked me was that they had "pacts" for stuff like that in the first place. And apparently they've only just been broken off. Mentioned often (I've walked into conversations when they were talking about them at school but never really understood what they were about. Now the connection has been made.) and stopped a year after he got a girlfriend. It just irritates me, is all, because Hannah just loves attention and this is definitely the sort of attention from guys that she likes the most. So it continues;

J: "I felt bad"
See, that's nice right? I felt bad about the pacts. Was it bad about me though?
H: "felt bad?"
J: "for David"
Great. I'm not even mentioned.
H: "?"
J: "I don't know I was drunk but we can put them back on"
He said WHAT? I just.... Gah!
H: "doesn't bother me, glad to see you worked things out with Jenni though :)"
So Hannah then brings our relationship up. Great. I didn't realise we'd had big problems. Let alone spoken to her about them.

J: "Well to be fair, I don't know weather we will go all the way to uni or before I go off to Europe or what"
Right, so I read this and honestly felt relieved. Because I've been having these thoughts as well and I thought that if we could both talk about why we both thought this, perhaps we could sort those things out and then we'd have a stronger relationship, so I skyped him and just asked him outright whether he honestly thought we were going to last to uni. He said "yes definitely". Right. So back to square one about us both having doubts. Me voicing mine and him staying quiet, meaning we can't actually fix anything. Great. Meh, the conversation continued;

H: "why?"
J: "she isn't my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz" (which means lifelong whatsitmadoodle or something) but yeah, so he doesn't think we are gonna last because we're not soul mates or something >_> fuck that. Who even believes in true love at our age? Really?

H: "and I know what you mean, uni makes everything so much different, the distance is hard, but if you are meant to be it works out"
J: "me and her have to little in common"
H: "can I ask a question, between us, and you can choose not to answer it"
"Why are you together then, I mean if you have nothing in common, then what do you talk about"
J: "I didn't say nothing. We do find stuff to talk about when we are together and we could talk like this for ages on Skype or fb but since before exams in January, before Christmas she has changed, I have realised"
H: ":(, don't tell people I ask though, don't want to look bitchy or anything, I was just curious"
So yeah, I must admit, I have changed. My paranoia has increased, my depression resurfaces occasionally and I'm generally more unstable. But I didn't realise it affected him that much. I keep it under control for most of the time. That's another thing we need to talk about. But whenever I give him the opportunity to say something, he doesn't, so I have no idea of what I can do without bringing up that I saw these conversations. :/

So he then went on to say this;

J: "Did you know that Jen is scared about hurting me
Well for now"
H: "hurting you how?"
J: "well emotionally I guess"
H: "you guess? And emotionally in what way?"
J: "well say if we broke up, she thinks no one at the bench will like her"
Now this. This I disagree with. For one, this is a different topic to hurting him, this is about the break up in general. Two, I said things would be awkward because sides would be taken and a divide would be created between me and the people who are friends with him more. And that's not the only reason I don't want to break up with him in any case! For one. I actually like him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. And I do, well did, trust him so much. He's a great guy, but it's these little things that get on my nerves. He's making me seem like the bad guy to people, further isolating me from the people who used to be my best mates. I just don't think that's very fair, even if it's not intentional, because Hannah then has a further warped opinion of me.
H: "that's not so much of worried about hurting you though... And I'm sure shed still have friends, though I guess it would be like Marshall and Lilly getting divorced to a certain extend.......
.......... And I'm not sure there wouldn't be an unintentional divide for a bit"
J: "yeah? Who would she have?"
H: "the artsy people, jono
Etc"
J: "meh. Anyway what's this I hear a out you looking for a fuck buddie"
^^^^^^^^right. So this little piece of information was speculation. Joel and I were trying to decipher what she meant by several actions and messages, which resulted in Joel coming to the conclusion that she wanted a fuck buddy. Now, I disclosed this information offhandedly to Jordan whilst painting his room, but I don't understand why he said it so matter-of-factly when it wasn't confirmed at all?! O.o who just goes up to someone and asks if they want a fuck buddy and then proceeds to explain exactly where they got the information, naming all names? God, and again, Hannah dislikes me even more because of him and its just entirely ruined my friendship with her. Period. Basically isolating me from people even more, because Hannah is the queen bee of the bench and if she has a grudge, most of the people in the group agree with her. :/


Right so the next, and final, bit is just me ranting about pet names.
Hannah and Jordan are constantly messaging one another with things like "honey", "Hun", "love", "babe" etc at the beginning or end of their messages. And yeah it might be just a friendly thing. It more than likely is. But it's the fact that he calls me the same things. I know this is totally paranoid, but I feel like he compares me to people. Meh. I read into things way too much. But what's mostly affecting me is the lying. How often does it happen? And when is it going to stop?

Over and out,

Gloves. xx