God. Today was just the worst.
I was basically torn apart by Mrs. Kirke
And on top of that, I started crying in front of her and it just sucked.
and then I started over thinking everything. just all of the things I'm insecure about. My friendship worries and paranoia mixed with the fear of making my rentals angry or disappointed and it just got a bit too much.
I cut myself again. nine times. nine freaking cuts that I'm going to have to hide for the next couple of weeks. its extremely sucky. I just hope I'm not working this week because my work uniform probably wont cover them. :/
God. I need to pull myself together. I had a good cry today though. so I hope things will be enough. Meh.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Monday, 22 April 2013
Friday, 19 April 2013
Ranting. So much ranting. :/
So.... I've recently been looking at past blog posts, amongst 'other' writings.....
Let me divulge.
So I've just been reading about the times when Jordan was a little bitch. All the time. I've read about him cursing me and bitching about me, and given this was in the past, I sat there and laughed. I was when I started making connections with similar things happening now. For example, him getting "distracted" by Hannah on our 6th form induction when he was in a relationship. Okay, I accept that he's a guy and I know that she has certain assets which she refuses to cover up, but still, I shouldn't still have deja vu when I think of him interacting with her.
And to make things a little worse, he lies to me. Like a lot. And he seems so certain in his answers I actually believed him and thought I was just a terrible girlfriend because I seemed to be the only one doing the wrong things. And I do a lot of them, bitch about him, I've kissed another person, and well....
Ahem. I did a bad thing. A very bad thing. And I wish I could blame it on my paranoia, but honestly I was just extremely curious. So yeah, I logged onto his FB account. And read a message. It was only one set of messages, I hasten to add, and I didn't mean to read more than a couple of lines, but they were bitching about me.... So.... You know, I felt like I needed to read on, even though i knew it was wrong. He and Hannah were discussing an upcoming party and Hannah was talking about Joel coming and mentioning how Joel is obsessed with me and Jordan got upset about that comment, and he said;
"Nah, you just put the cherry on top of the cake.
Trust me, I'll just hang with you guys in the earl."
And I suppose that was excusable because Joel doesn't hide his affection for me and he would probably be fighting for my attention, but it's what he said next in reply to Hannah offering to take Joel away from me to remove the temptation and so Jordan could be with me....;
"The temptation for what? He has to get in line.
Hollie, then Ollie and then Joel."
Which, from what it looks like, Hannah now thinks that I have cheated on Jordan with all three of them. Or at least the first two. And it's just like, I read this, and thought 'but when I ask him, he says he never bitches about me ever' so I thought this may have been after I first asked him so he wasn't actually lying to me, so I skyped him and asked him the same question. Several times, in many different ways. I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me basically. And the answer was always negative. So.... Either he doesn't remember this conversation with Hannah (and the various others later on which I will discuss in a second) or he is just lying to me.
And so we continue. In the next section of the conversation he actually proves that he's lied to me a little bit. Basically, I remember when we were talking (obviously at the same time as him having this conversation) and he said he'd only been bitching about me and Hollie, when he says to Hannah;
"Just so you know, I told Jen I bitched about her to you about Hollie only."
To which Hannah replied: "Okay, that's cool, I'll just lie my ass off if asked."
So.... That's another time when I was lied to.
[And don't even get me started on the whole HOllie business...... >_>]
So this next section, I bitch about both of them. Think of this as a transition of bitchness. Okay. So in Hannah's defence, at the beginning, Hannah is generally alright. Hannah is joking about Sheldon having better legs than her. And then shes talking about having withdrawal symptoms for him and thats okay because you can have that with a friend and then they discuss parties.... but then talk of suits and HIMYM comes up and they're talking about wearing suits and dresses. And from then on, Jordan is just saying all of these really inappropriate things about her;
J: "I know but still, when did you last wear a suit"
H: "I don't have to, as a girl I have to wear matching bra and panties and sun dresses."
J: "or we could leave the dress in the wardrobe"
LIKE WHAT? I mean, yeah it's a small joke, but you don't suggest that your friend just wear underwear around you. Especially when your girlfriend has said several times that she is intimidated by said friends body. Anyways, we continue;
H: "but my sun dress is so pretty and I can't wear a bra with it, so I can't do the whole matching thing"
(Obviously griping for attention, because you don't have to mention not wearing a bra after someone has suggested you take your dress off.)
J: "Then we take it off later."
OKAY MISTER. One time, I could deal with, but the second time is just pushing it. You don't carry a joke on like this. You make a small joke, and then you leave it. You don't carry on suggesting she take her clothes off for you.
H: "We?"
J: "Fine I'll do it myself"
WHAT THE FUCK?! That isn't even suggesting anything anymore! When is that appropriate to say to a friend? And when you have a girlfriend too? And Hannah actually picks up on this;
H: "actually it was your involvement I was questioning"
J: "Fine strip tease"
Okay so this comment had me fuming, but the next couple of messages left me wanting to tear my hair out.
H: "are you going back on what you recently said?"
J: "huh?"
H: "doesn't matter"
J: "no tell meh"
H: "last time I saw you, you called off all our pacts and said nothing would ever happen between us, now you are talking about strip teases, but my jokes with drunk Jordan's ramblings are no fun when you don't remember"
Right, so this basically confirms that the above comments were jokes, yes I knew that, but they were still inappropriate things to say in general. What irked me was that they had "pacts" for stuff like that in the first place. And apparently they've only just been broken off. Mentioned often (I've walked into conversations when they were talking about them at school but never really understood what they were about. Now the connection has been made.) and stopped a year after he got a girlfriend. It just irritates me, is all, because Hannah just loves attention and this is definitely the sort of attention from guys that she likes the most. So it continues;
J: "I felt bad"
See, that's nice right? I felt bad about the pacts. Was it bad about me though?
H: "felt bad?"
J: "for David"
Great. I'm not even mentioned.
H: "?"
J: "I don't know I was drunk but we can put them back on"
He said WHAT? I just.... Gah!
H: "doesn't bother me, glad to see you worked things out with Jenni though :)"
So Hannah then brings our relationship up. Great. I didn't realise we'd had big problems. Let alone spoken to her about them.
J: "Well to be fair, I don't know weather we will go all the way to uni or before I go off to Europe or what"
Right, so I read this and honestly felt relieved. Because I've been having these thoughts as well and I thought that if we could both talk about why we both thought this, perhaps we could sort those things out and then we'd have a stronger relationship, so I skyped him and just asked him outright whether he honestly thought we were going to last to uni. He said "yes definitely". Right. So back to square one about us both having doubts. Me voicing mine and him staying quiet, meaning we can't actually fix anything. Great. Meh, the conversation continued;
H: "why?"
J: "she isn't my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz" (which means lifelong whatsitmadoodle or something) but yeah, so he doesn't think we are gonna last because we're not soul mates or something >_> fuck that. Who even believes in true love at our age? Really?
H: "and I know what you mean, uni makes everything so much different, the distance is hard, but if you are meant to be it works out"
J: "me and her have to little in common"
H: "can I ask a question, between us, and you can choose not to answer it"
"Why are you together then, I mean if you have nothing in common, then what do you talk about"
J: "I didn't say nothing. We do find stuff to talk about when we are together and we could talk like this for ages on Skype or fb but since before exams in January, before Christmas she has changed, I have realised"
H: ":(, don't tell people I ask though, don't want to look bitchy or anything, I was just curious"
So yeah, I must admit, I have changed. My paranoia has increased, my depression resurfaces occasionally and I'm generally more unstable. But I didn't realise it affected him that much. I keep it under control for most of the time. That's another thing we need to talk about. But whenever I give him the opportunity to say something, he doesn't, so I have no idea of what I can do without bringing up that I saw these conversations. :/
So he then went on to say this;
J: "Did you know that Jen is scared about hurting me
Well for now"
H: "hurting you how?"
J: "well emotionally I guess"
H: "you guess? And emotionally in what way?"
J: "well say if we broke up, she thinks no one at the bench will like her"
Now this. This I disagree with. For one, this is a different topic to hurting him, this is about the break up in general. Two, I said things would be awkward because sides would be taken and a divide would be created between me and the people who are friends with him more. And that's not the only reason I don't want to break up with him in any case! For one. I actually like him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. And I do, well did, trust him so much. He's a great guy, but it's these little things that get on my nerves. He's making me seem like the bad guy to people, further isolating me from the people who used to be my best mates. I just don't think that's very fair, even if it's not intentional, because Hannah then has a further warped opinion of me.
H: "that's not so much of worried about hurting you though... And I'm sure shed still have friends, though I guess it would be like Marshall and Lilly getting divorced to a certain extend.......
.......... And I'm not sure there wouldn't be an unintentional divide for a bit"
J: "yeah? Who would she have?"
H: "the artsy people, jono
Etc"
J: "meh. Anyway what's this I hear a out you looking for a fuck buddie"
^^^^^^^^right. So this little piece of information was speculation. Joel and I were trying to decipher what she meant by several actions and messages, which resulted in Joel coming to the conclusion that she wanted a fuck buddy. Now, I disclosed this information offhandedly to Jordan whilst painting his room, but I don't understand why he said it so matter-of-factly when it wasn't confirmed at all?! O.o who just goes up to someone and asks if they want a fuck buddy and then proceeds to explain exactly where they got the information, naming all names? God, and again, Hannah dislikes me even more because of him and its just entirely ruined my friendship with her. Period. Basically isolating me from people even more, because Hannah is the queen bee of the bench and if she has a grudge, most of the people in the group agree with her. :/
Right so the next, and final, bit is just me ranting about pet names.
Hannah and Jordan are constantly messaging one another with things like "honey", "Hun", "love", "babe" etc at the beginning or end of their messages. And yeah it might be just a friendly thing. It more than likely is. But it's the fact that he calls me the same things. I know this is totally paranoid, but I feel like he compares me to people. Meh. I read into things way too much. But what's mostly affecting me is the lying. How often does it happen? And when is it going to stop?
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Let me divulge.
So I've just been reading about the times when Jordan was a little bitch. All the time. I've read about him cursing me and bitching about me, and given this was in the past, I sat there and laughed. I was when I started making connections with similar things happening now. For example, him getting "distracted" by Hannah on our 6th form induction when he was in a relationship. Okay, I accept that he's a guy and I know that she has certain assets which she refuses to cover up, but still, I shouldn't still have deja vu when I think of him interacting with her.
And to make things a little worse, he lies to me. Like a lot. And he seems so certain in his answers I actually believed him and thought I was just a terrible girlfriend because I seemed to be the only one doing the wrong things. And I do a lot of them, bitch about him, I've kissed another person, and well....
Ahem. I did a bad thing. A very bad thing. And I wish I could blame it on my paranoia, but honestly I was just extremely curious. So yeah, I logged onto his FB account. And read a message. It was only one set of messages, I hasten to add, and I didn't mean to read more than a couple of lines, but they were bitching about me.... So.... You know, I felt like I needed to read on, even though i knew it was wrong. He and Hannah were discussing an upcoming party and Hannah was talking about Joel coming and mentioning how Joel is obsessed with me and Jordan got upset about that comment, and he said;
"Nah, you just put the cherry on top of the cake.
Trust me, I'll just hang with you guys in the earl."
And I suppose that was excusable because Joel doesn't hide his affection for me and he would probably be fighting for my attention, but it's what he said next in reply to Hannah offering to take Joel away from me to remove the temptation and so Jordan could be with me....;
"The temptation for what? He has to get in line.
Hollie, then Ollie and then Joel."
Which, from what it looks like, Hannah now thinks that I have cheated on Jordan with all three of them. Or at least the first two. And it's just like, I read this, and thought 'but when I ask him, he says he never bitches about me ever' so I thought this may have been after I first asked him so he wasn't actually lying to me, so I skyped him and asked him the same question. Several times, in many different ways. I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me basically. And the answer was always negative. So.... Either he doesn't remember this conversation with Hannah (and the various others later on which I will discuss in a second) or he is just lying to me.
And so we continue. In the next section of the conversation he actually proves that he's lied to me a little bit. Basically, I remember when we were talking (obviously at the same time as him having this conversation) and he said he'd only been bitching about me and Hollie, when he says to Hannah;
"Just so you know, I told Jen I bitched about her to you about Hollie only."
To which Hannah replied: "Okay, that's cool, I'll just lie my ass off if asked."
So.... That's another time when I was lied to.
[And don't even get me started on the whole HOllie business...... >_>]
So this next section, I bitch about both of them. Think of this as a transition of bitchness. Okay. So in Hannah's defence, at the beginning, Hannah is generally alright. Hannah is joking about Sheldon having better legs than her. And then shes talking about having withdrawal symptoms for him and thats okay because you can have that with a friend and then they discuss parties.... but then talk of suits and HIMYM comes up and they're talking about wearing suits and dresses. And from then on, Jordan is just saying all of these really inappropriate things about her;
J: "I know but still, when did you last wear a suit"
H: "I don't have to, as a girl I have to wear matching bra and panties and sun dresses."
J: "or we could leave the dress in the wardrobe"
LIKE WHAT? I mean, yeah it's a small joke, but you don't suggest that your friend just wear underwear around you. Especially when your girlfriend has said several times that she is intimidated by said friends body. Anyways, we continue;
H: "but my sun dress is so pretty and I can't wear a bra with it, so I can't do the whole matching thing"
(Obviously griping for attention, because you don't have to mention not wearing a bra after someone has suggested you take your dress off.)
J: "Then we take it off later."
OKAY MISTER. One time, I could deal with, but the second time is just pushing it. You don't carry a joke on like this. You make a small joke, and then you leave it. You don't carry on suggesting she take her clothes off for you.
H: "We?"
J: "Fine I'll do it myself"
WHAT THE FUCK?! That isn't even suggesting anything anymore! When is that appropriate to say to a friend? And when you have a girlfriend too? And Hannah actually picks up on this;
H: "actually it was your involvement I was questioning"
J: "Fine strip tease"
Okay so this comment had me fuming, but the next couple of messages left me wanting to tear my hair out.
H: "are you going back on what you recently said?"
J: "huh?"
H: "doesn't matter"
J: "no tell meh"
H: "last time I saw you, you called off all our pacts and said nothing would ever happen between us, now you are talking about strip teases, but my jokes with drunk Jordan's ramblings are no fun when you don't remember"
Right, so this basically confirms that the above comments were jokes, yes I knew that, but they were still inappropriate things to say in general. What irked me was that they had "pacts" for stuff like that in the first place. And apparently they've only just been broken off. Mentioned often (I've walked into conversations when they were talking about them at school but never really understood what they were about. Now the connection has been made.) and stopped a year after he got a girlfriend. It just irritates me, is all, because Hannah just loves attention and this is definitely the sort of attention from guys that she likes the most. So it continues;
J: "I felt bad"
See, that's nice right? I felt bad about the pacts. Was it bad about me though?
H: "felt bad?"
J: "for David"
Great. I'm not even mentioned.
H: "?"
J: "I don't know I was drunk but we can put them back on"
He said WHAT? I just.... Gah!
H: "doesn't bother me, glad to see you worked things out with Jenni though :)"
So Hannah then brings our relationship up. Great. I didn't realise we'd had big problems. Let alone spoken to her about them.
J: "Well to be fair, I don't know weather we will go all the way to uni or before I go off to Europe or what"
Right, so I read this and honestly felt relieved. Because I've been having these thoughts as well and I thought that if we could both talk about why we both thought this, perhaps we could sort those things out and then we'd have a stronger relationship, so I skyped him and just asked him outright whether he honestly thought we were going to last to uni. He said "yes definitely". Right. So back to square one about us both having doubts. Me voicing mine and him staying quiet, meaning we can't actually fix anything. Great. Meh, the conversation continued;
H: "why?"
J: "she isn't my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz" (which means lifelong whatsitmadoodle or something) but yeah, so he doesn't think we are gonna last because we're not soul mates or something >_> fuck that. Who even believes in true love at our age? Really?
H: "and I know what you mean, uni makes everything so much different, the distance is hard, but if you are meant to be it works out"
J: "me and her have to little in common"
H: "can I ask a question, between us, and you can choose not to answer it"
"Why are you together then, I mean if you have nothing in common, then what do you talk about"
J: "I didn't say nothing. We do find stuff to talk about when we are together and we could talk like this for ages on Skype or fb but since before exams in January, before Christmas she has changed, I have realised"
H: ":(, don't tell people I ask though, don't want to look bitchy or anything, I was just curious"
So yeah, I must admit, I have changed. My paranoia has increased, my depression resurfaces occasionally and I'm generally more unstable. But I didn't realise it affected him that much. I keep it under control for most of the time. That's another thing we need to talk about. But whenever I give him the opportunity to say something, he doesn't, so I have no idea of what I can do without bringing up that I saw these conversations. :/
So he then went on to say this;
J: "Did you know that Jen is scared about hurting me
Well for now"
H: "hurting you how?"
J: "well emotionally I guess"
H: "you guess? And emotionally in what way?"
J: "well say if we broke up, she thinks no one at the bench will like her"
Now this. This I disagree with. For one, this is a different topic to hurting him, this is about the break up in general. Two, I said things would be awkward because sides would be taken and a divide would be created between me and the people who are friends with him more. And that's not the only reason I don't want to break up with him in any case! For one. I actually like him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. And I do, well did, trust him so much. He's a great guy, but it's these little things that get on my nerves. He's making me seem like the bad guy to people, further isolating me from the people who used to be my best mates. I just don't think that's very fair, even if it's not intentional, because Hannah then has a further warped opinion of me.
H: "that's not so much of worried about hurting you though... And I'm sure shed still have friends, though I guess it would be like Marshall and Lilly getting divorced to a certain extend.......
.......... And I'm not sure there wouldn't be an unintentional divide for a bit"
J: "yeah? Who would she have?"
H: "the artsy people, jono
Etc"
J: "meh. Anyway what's this I hear a out you looking for a fuck buddie"
^^^^^^^^right. So this little piece of information was speculation. Joel and I were trying to decipher what she meant by several actions and messages, which resulted in Joel coming to the conclusion that she wanted a fuck buddy. Now, I disclosed this information offhandedly to Jordan whilst painting his room, but I don't understand why he said it so matter-of-factly when it wasn't confirmed at all?! O.o who just goes up to someone and asks if they want a fuck buddy and then proceeds to explain exactly where they got the information, naming all names? God, and again, Hannah dislikes me even more because of him and its just entirely ruined my friendship with her. Period. Basically isolating me from people even more, because Hannah is the queen bee of the bench and if she has a grudge, most of the people in the group agree with her. :/
Right so the next, and final, bit is just me ranting about pet names.
Hannah and Jordan are constantly messaging one another with things like "honey", "Hun", "love", "babe" etc at the beginning or end of their messages. And yeah it might be just a friendly thing. It more than likely is. But it's the fact that he calls me the same things. I know this is totally paranoid, but I feel like he compares me to people. Meh. I read into things way too much. But what's mostly affecting me is the lying. How often does it happen? And when is it going to stop?
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Reminiscent.
Spent the evening reading really old posts. Like June before USA old. It was.... enlightening. And I found out that I feel almost exactly the same now as I did then. Nice to know I've grown and changed into a happier, better, less shallow person!
I need to cheer up goddamnit.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I need to cheer up goddamnit.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
What the fuck?
I have no idea what I've done wrong. Seriously. This was posted:
So, let me get this straight. You think that I waited til you were out of the library so that I could attract Lukes attention and sabotage your relationship. Ah, no. You are just delusional.
When Cheryl left the library, I was hung up on trying to figure out why she would say those sorts of things about me. And it got me thinking. If Cheryl talks about me behind my back, what if other people are too? I mean, it's to be expected right? Especially now this has come to light. I know that Hannah gives me evils, I've caught her, but that's only recently really (thanks to some people...). Jenny must too. She supports what Cheryl is saying in these posts for some reason. - (I know this fact because she commented on the first post. Though she deleted her first comment.....
) And Sophie must dislike me too, seeing as she's good friends with all three girls mentioned here. And if they do talk about me, what do they talk about? Do they talk about how flawed my personality is? Do they bitch about how I "treat" Jordan or how I "flirt" with other guys? Does it stop there? Or do they start talking about how much I'm attention seeking (jenny mentioned that when we were talking about cutting) and how my life choices are all wrong? How many others would agree with them? Am I really that much of a bitch, because the more I think about it, the more I start to believe it to be honest. I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but I really can't help it. I hate people talking behind my back, when they don't have the guts to say it to my face, and it's making my really insecure. I don't go out of my way to be mean to people. In fact, at school I go out of my way to avoid people to be honest. Is that where I'm going wrong? Meh. I digress.... A lot. Anyway, I was busy ranting about all of the above and somewhere along the line I must've started crying because the next thing I know, Luke is crouching down beside me asking me what's wrong. I explained a little bit, but kept it short because I knew that he was risking getting moaned at by Cheryl if she found out he was talking to me. Anyways, he suggested I talk to her and walked off.
Later, Cheryl was moaning at him about something (probably about talking to me...) and as soon as I noticed, I walked out of the library to my exam room. I entered that room more distracted and more shaken than I've ever entered any exam and I know I failed. What makes it worse is that I know I could've done better, but I let my feelings and insecurities get the better of me, because that's what happens. Fuck.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. Spoke to Jenny briefly before the exam. She suggested Cheryl's just scared. I agree, but its a mild form of paranoia rather than being scared, if anything because she's making stupid things up. And even if you were scared, why would you get that angry about nothing? O.o
Monday, 15 April 2013
People.
Last night I read a blog post from a friend.... Well, I thought she was my friend, but after reading, perhaps not. I don't understand what I did wrong, that's the problem. She lists all of these things about me that is pissing her off, but I don't actually agree with any of them. They're really not true, and it sucks that she's so confused by her rage tinted glasses that she can't see that.
http://chezilla.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/dear-you.html <------ the post... Btw.
So she says I'm "suggestive" towards other guys. I'm sorry, but when I'm at school I hardly talk to people, and when I do it's usually with several bags and a book inbetween us. Unless she can't understand jokes.... I really have no idea what she means.
The only guy I physically touch other than hugging is Jono, and he's not even a very close friend. He just comforts me when I'm upset about something in my frees. He sits on my lap and plays on his iPod. Or visa versa. That's hardly suggestive. It's not like I give him a lap dance and play with his crotch! That would suggest something, yeah, but I don't! (Ew, just no. Ugh.)
Then, apparently I "crossed lines" at a friends birthday party with Luke (her boyfriend) and another guy. I'm sorry, but I hung out with Hollie and Jordan all evening so I have no idea what she's on about here. There was one point where, earlier in the evening, Hollie had kissed Luke's feet because he was suggesting he was the Messiah and then later Hollie suggested I do the same when he said the same thing (because she thought it would be weird to do it twice) which I did, and it was all very funny and Hollie and I did our odd highfive thing and we thought nothing of it. However, later in the week, Luke came up to me and told me 'certain people' thought my behaviour towards him was unacceptable. I freaking kissed his feet. As a joke! God. He also said I couldn't ruffle his hair anymore because according to her it was too 'affectionate'. I did it to every person I walk past when I say hi. It's just a habit. (One which since then I have broken.)
What really pissed me off though, is that she said I couldn't speak to Luke. It's all very well saying I can't speak to her again, I'd be fine with that. But it's that she's making decisions for Luke and trying to stop our friendship, and I don't want that, because I value our friendship. We help one another out. We sit next to each other in biology for fucks sake, I can't very well ignore him. I don't have many good friends, and I'm not going to drop one because I got told to by a freaking psycho bitch. Ghdwnvdainvdipanvdowinvoidaoinviondapnivdaionvoids. Extraordinarily pissed off with her right now. UFBODANIOVDAV.
Okay. Calm. Seriously though. She can fuck off.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
http://chezilla.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/dear-you.html <------ the post... Btw.
So she says I'm "suggestive" towards other guys. I'm sorry, but when I'm at school I hardly talk to people, and when I do it's usually with several bags and a book inbetween us. Unless she can't understand jokes.... I really have no idea what she means.
The only guy I physically touch other than hugging is Jono, and he's not even a very close friend. He just comforts me when I'm upset about something in my frees. He sits on my lap and plays on his iPod. Or visa versa. That's hardly suggestive. It's not like I give him a lap dance and play with his crotch! That would suggest something, yeah, but I don't! (Ew, just no. Ugh.)
Then, apparently I "crossed lines" at a friends birthday party with Luke (her boyfriend) and another guy. I'm sorry, but I hung out with Hollie and Jordan all evening so I have no idea what she's on about here. There was one point where, earlier in the evening, Hollie had kissed Luke's feet because he was suggesting he was the Messiah and then later Hollie suggested I do the same when he said the same thing (because she thought it would be weird to do it twice) which I did, and it was all very funny and Hollie and I did our odd highfive thing and we thought nothing of it. However, later in the week, Luke came up to me and told me 'certain people' thought my behaviour towards him was unacceptable. I freaking kissed his feet. As a joke! God. He also said I couldn't ruffle his hair anymore because according to her it was too 'affectionate'. I did it to every person I walk past when I say hi. It's just a habit. (One which since then I have broken.)
What really pissed me off though, is that she said I couldn't speak to Luke. It's all very well saying I can't speak to her again, I'd be fine with that. But it's that she's making decisions for Luke and trying to stop our friendship, and I don't want that, because I value our friendship. We help one another out. We sit next to each other in biology for fucks sake, I can't very well ignore him. I don't have many good friends, and I'm not going to drop one because I got told to by a freaking psycho bitch. Ghdwnvdainvdipanvdowinvoidaoinviondapnivdaionvoids. Extraordinarily pissed off with her right now. UFBODANIOVDAV.
Okay. Calm. Seriously though. She can fuck off.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Easter.
The holidays have been pretty good. And a few highlights are as follows. Between revision I managed to....:
Go to a party
Paint Smurfs room
Have an epic movie night of epicosity with Milly and Stark
Visits Emily
Go on a date
Go to a fundraiser
And finally have another epic movie night of awesomeness with my two besties.
Oh and find out that there is a high likelihood of me having twins. Wonderful.
All in all it was pretty good, me thinks.
I can eat chocolate in two days!!!
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Go to a party
Paint Smurfs room
Have an epic movie night of epicosity with Milly and Stark
Visits Emily
Go on a date
Go to a fundraiser
And finally have another epic movie night of awesomeness with my two besties.
Oh and find out that there is a high likelihood of me having twins. Wonderful.
All in all it was pretty good, me thinks.
I can eat chocolate in two days!!!
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Music.
WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU ENJOY THE MUSIC. BUT WHEN YOU'RE SAD, YOU UNDERSTAND THE LYRICS.
Music is such a big deal to me and it's such a big part of my life. If I didn't have music,,,, well, I don't know where i'd be but i know I wouldn't be happy.
For me, music is something I can use to channel all of my thoughts and feelings into something beautiful and meaningful, rather than something destructive (which is what I used to do). And even if the lyrics aren't always what I personally feel, if they are from the lyricists heart, then i can truly appreciate them in the same way.
This is why, when some people insult my music tastes I just get so annoyed, because even if they don't agree with me, they don't have to point it out and try to make me "see it their way" because I don't want to. The purity of listening to some meaningful songs is just tainted as soon as someone draws attention to a part of it and voices their own thoughts. It means when I listen to that part, at times, it doesn't help me any more. And that, in a way, hurts. Those people don't realise the impact they make. But it matters.
Music just makes me so happy. When I'm singing along to my iPod and an unexpected favourite song comes on, I literally can't help but smile. And those smiles are always genuine. More often that not now-a-days my smiles are forced or not always at their full capacity, but blasting music way too loud on my speakers just makes me ecstatic.
I want the other people in my life to realise just how much it means to me. But I can't explain it that well. I've never been any good with words. I just hope that one day, people will realise what music means to me. And perhaps even start to agree with me about music. Because there are only a couple of people who I can actually talk about music with. And those people are the ones I can relate to the best. I feel like we understand each other. I wish I could have that connection with..... Certain people.
Meh. I'm getting too into this post. I'm going to shut up now.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Monday, 25 March 2013
Stressing
I can't deal with everything right now.
The pressure is just building and I can just feel myself teetering on the edge. Right on the brink. And I don't want to jump, but I don't know whether I have the choice to go back.
I'm slowly losing it. Losing my composure. Losing my mask. Losing my judgement.
Today I actually shouted at a teacher. I have never let my anger show in public like that before, but I just can't help it.
Then after school I literally lay face down on a table for ten minutes and refused to move. I was bickering with myself in my head as I rode round and round on the bike, and apparently my face was so blank that none of the girls wanted to confront me. It was only after I snapped out of it that they tried to talk to me.
And I was scratching my arms too. Full out scraping at my skin, just to keep myself composed.
I'm freaking losing it.
I need to stop stressing out and calm down.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
The pressure is just building and I can just feel myself teetering on the edge. Right on the brink. And I don't want to jump, but I don't know whether I have the choice to go back.
I'm slowly losing it. Losing my composure. Losing my mask. Losing my judgement.
Today I actually shouted at a teacher. I have never let my anger show in public like that before, but I just can't help it.
Then after school I literally lay face down on a table for ten minutes and refused to move. I was bickering with myself in my head as I rode round and round on the bike, and apparently my face was so blank that none of the girls wanted to confront me. It was only after I snapped out of it that they tried to talk to me.
And I was scratching my arms too. Full out scraping at my skin, just to keep myself composed.
I'm freaking losing it.
I need to stop stressing out and calm down.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Mind Games
God... I am just screwed up.
I have actually started having pretty rough conversations with myself again.
Do other people argue with themselves out loud? That's something I'm going to have to look into.
Perhaps I should get checked out? Eh. Just. I need to sort out my mind.
I was literally feeling sick last night because I convinced myself of really stupid things. And a rational part of my mind was like "Nah, that can't be true, there's no logic here." But then the other part was just so.... convincing that I literally felt I had no choice but to believe it, until I did the rational thing and confirmed that I was just lying to myself by asking said parties involved.
This "trick" that I played on myself was not helped by another thought which decided to push its' way forward again.
I really hate being talked about. Even if its about good things.... I just hate it. Whether I'm in the room or if its behind my back, I feel as though talking about me brings too much attention upon me. I really would prefer to just go along for the rest of my school life without talking to anyone and getting on with the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be bothered if everyone I know at school (bar a couple of individuals... maybe) just stopped talking to me. I really wouldn't.
So last night, when I started thinking that people were talking about me behind my back, I felt extremely vulnerable. I would really prefer it if people who have a problem with me would just tell me themselves and get it over and done with, even if it's going to offend me, I really would rather know. For example, a friend came up to me on Friday and said "You can't ruffle my hair when you go past any more, or do any other thing which shows your 'affection' for me, because some people don't like it when you do. Sorry." and then they just walked off. I know exactly who they were talking about. And I hate that said person didn't tell me to "back off" as such themselves. Urgh. But yeah, I'm going to just talk to people this week and ask them to just say what they need to say and then have it out there. (N.B. That includes you Smurfadoodle, be ready because I'm really curious as to what it is about me that annoys you. Just saying....)
So yeah, I think that rant is done for this evening...
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I have actually started having pretty rough conversations with myself again.
Do other people argue with themselves out loud? That's something I'm going to have to look into.
Perhaps I should get checked out? Eh. Just. I need to sort out my mind.
I was literally feeling sick last night because I convinced myself of really stupid things. And a rational part of my mind was like "Nah, that can't be true, there's no logic here." But then the other part was just so.... convincing that I literally felt I had no choice but to believe it, until I did the rational thing and confirmed that I was just lying to myself by asking said parties involved.
This "trick" that I played on myself was not helped by another thought which decided to push its' way forward again.
I really hate being talked about. Even if its about good things.... I just hate it. Whether I'm in the room or if its behind my back, I feel as though talking about me brings too much attention upon me. I really would prefer to just go along for the rest of my school life without talking to anyone and getting on with the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be bothered if everyone I know at school (bar a couple of individuals... maybe) just stopped talking to me. I really wouldn't.
So last night, when I started thinking that people were talking about me behind my back, I felt extremely vulnerable. I would really prefer it if people who have a problem with me would just tell me themselves and get it over and done with, even if it's going to offend me, I really would rather know. For example, a friend came up to me on Friday and said "You can't ruffle my hair when you go past any more, or do any other thing which shows your 'affection' for me, because some people don't like it when you do. Sorry." and then they just walked off. I know exactly who they were talking about. And I hate that said person didn't tell me to "back off" as such themselves. Urgh. But yeah, I'm going to just talk to people this week and ask them to just say what they need to say and then have it out there. (N.B. That includes you Smurfadoodle, be ready because I'm really curious as to what it is about me that annoys you. Just saying....)
So yeah, I think that rant is done for this evening...
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Emotionability
I've been in a really odd mood all day. Like I was speaking to my cousin after the drama trip and I realised. If I went away, like, tomorrow, and I never got to see anyone from school again, I wouldn't really miss anyone. Apart from Jordan. And Luke. I'd miss more people outside of school though, and I think that may be because I actually choose to be friends with them, wheras most of the people at the bench, I'm friends with them by associations. Or I used to be close to them, but they became closer to others in the group and we drifted apart. I just. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to get through these years and start again. Find some new people. Stay in touch with the people I want to stay in touch with, and be a new person. The one I want to be. Not something that society says I should be. And in a new environment I think I'll have the confidence to do that. Probably.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. Two posts in one evening, I must be having an emotional thing tonight.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. Two posts in one evening, I must be having an emotional thing tonight.
Eating Disorders
Just realised why I'm less stressed recently.
I am literally eating my stress away. And that is an extremely bad thing. I have gained a lot of weight in the past month. And I mean a lot. Too much to be healthy.
I kept a food diary and my food intake is way above average. So... That's a thing. And I'm not too sure what to do about it either.
For one I should probably start exercising more. Two, I should probably stop eating for a while. Unfortunately, again, there is the issue of mother monitoring my food intake, so until I move away, I can't. Which sucks. Because I really can't afford to put on any more weight. :/ most of my jeans are now too small for me. Which in turn is making me feel more depressed. The stress to cover up my unhappiness is therefore increasing and so... Dun dun dun. I eat more. Fuck that.
I need to sort out my life.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I am literally eating my stress away. And that is an extremely bad thing. I have gained a lot of weight in the past month. And I mean a lot. Too much to be healthy.
I kept a food diary and my food intake is way above average. So... That's a thing. And I'm not too sure what to do about it either.
For one I should probably start exercising more. Two, I should probably stop eating for a while. Unfortunately, again, there is the issue of mother monitoring my food intake, so until I move away, I can't. Which sucks. Because I really can't afford to put on any more weight. :/ most of my jeans are now too small for me. Which in turn is making me feel more depressed. The stress to cover up my unhappiness is therefore increasing and so... Dun dun dun. I eat more. Fuck that.
I need to sort out my life.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Nights to Remember :)
The past few nights have been awesome. :)
Thursday night was the 6th Form party and that was great fun. Went as the Joker, Shelly and I had a bottle of rum between us, so we were happy. The club even played some decent music for once, so that was also pretty cool about the night. It was just a really great atmosphere this time. Got back with Emily at 1:30 and washed the green out of my hair before going straight to sleep. I loved it. :)
Friday night was even better, i think. I picked Joel up from his and cooked pizza. Got ready for the party (after he helped me sort out that bloody dress. Those loops are just too fiddly. >_>), and set off at about 6:30.
Stayed sober til about 10, and it was a little awkward to begin with because I couldn't dance, and I didn't really talk to anyone, I just hung around Joel. Still, started drinking and loosened up a bit. Made friends with Lauren, because we both had the same taste in music. Raved a little to Evanescence and Elvis before moving on to my ipod and playing literally all of my favourite artists, including MCR, Paramore, Busted, McFly, Britney Spears, Bon Jovi, All Time Low, The Monkees, The Rasmus, Slipknot and even all of my T.V. Themes. :D It was epical!!!!
Then music was turned back to the shitty club music but I didn't really mind because we went into the other lounge (they had two O.o) and played some lonely island until we had to be quiet (around 2:30ish). Then everyone began talking about school, so Matthew and I sat in the corner and discussed our old school friends, with comments from Joel every now and then. :P So yeah, eventually the conversation simmered down to telling jokes and making fun of one another. It was really awesome. Eventually fell asleep on the sofa around half 4.
Woke up the next morning and drifted in and out of sleep until 8 when I needed pee. :P How ladylike. So yeah. My seat was taken and so I got all my stuff together and talked with people out in the hall whilst sorting out the crick in my neck. :/ Once my car was un-blocked, I left. (That was around 10).
Got in and went straight to bed again. Woke up around 12:30 and checked on le brother before getting something to eat and sorting out the mess in the kitchen. Then I read until I needed to sort out dinner preparation stuffs. Set off at about 4:45 to collect Smurf from work.
Took him home and we snuggled for a while before playing on the ps3. His cousin arrived and we had dinner. His father left and then we watched Step Up and Hitch. I left at around Half 11.
Went straight to sleep when I got in (at around midnight) and I was absolutely shattered.
This is a reminder to never go out 3 nights in a row. It wears you out too much!!! :P
So yeah, I left all my work till this evening. Now i've got to try to finish my psychology, drama, art and blodge homework by tomorrow. NIGHTMARE!!!
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Friday, 15 February 2013
Okay Wait.
Okay wait.
That last post was complete and utter CRAP. On the relationship thing anyway. I was just tired. And I failed to mention the amazing things about him. How he's improved my life massively since I've been with him. The fact that he's one of the best friends that someone could possibly have. I've known him properly for like 3 years. Probably 4. And he is like,.... The best. He's constantly making me smile, even when I'm a shitty mood. Puts up with my shitty moods in fact. And he notices when I'm unhappy (most of the time), even if I disregard his statement with a smile and a well practiced reassuring statement. I don't know why I don't tell him I'm unhappy to be honest. I trust him, most of the time. Probably because I have the littlest doubt. Bleh, I just reeeeeaally hate what I said about him. I might edit that post actually. I was horrible, and a bitch. Fuck. I just like him too damn much. But I know our relationship is almost certainly not going to last through uni. I just can't deal with long distance. And I hate that, because I want it to last. Even to like where he is now. If I didn't see him at school every day, I doubt we would have lasted this long, because I wouldn't be able to cope with not seeing him often. I don't know. Ive never really tried a relationship outside of school (apart from tony... But that was a weird time for me) and I just feel I wouldn't like it. I'm going to give the uni thing a go, of course. Unless he dumps me after these posts.... But I don't want us to break up and then be on bad terms with one another. If we broke up, I couldn't deal with losing him as a friend. But I know he holds grudges to a certain extent. So.... That would be tough too I suppose. Meh. I love him. All of his personality flaws (like complaining about mine in a insensitive way) make him who he is, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He is brilliant. Really brilliant. I just can't express that to his face too often, unfortunately. Meh.
That last post was complete and utter CRAP. On the relationship thing anyway. I was just tired. And I failed to mention the amazing things about him. How he's improved my life massively since I've been with him. The fact that he's one of the best friends that someone could possibly have. I've known him properly for like 3 years. Probably 4. And he is like,.... The best. He's constantly making me smile, even when I'm a shitty mood. Puts up with my shitty moods in fact. And he notices when I'm unhappy (most of the time), even if I disregard his statement with a smile and a well practiced reassuring statement. I don't know why I don't tell him I'm unhappy to be honest. I trust him, most of the time. Probably because I have the littlest doubt. Bleh, I just reeeeeaally hate what I said about him. I might edit that post actually. I was horrible, and a bitch. Fuck. I just like him too damn much. But I know our relationship is almost certainly not going to last through uni. I just can't deal with long distance. And I hate that, because I want it to last. Even to like where he is now. If I didn't see him at school every day, I doubt we would have lasted this long, because I wouldn't be able to cope with not seeing him often. I don't know. Ive never really tried a relationship outside of school (apart from tony... But that was a weird time for me) and I just feel I wouldn't like it. I'm going to give the uni thing a go, of course. Unless he dumps me after these posts.... But I don't want us to break up and then be on bad terms with one another. If we broke up, I couldn't deal with losing him as a friend. But I know he holds grudges to a certain extent. So.... That would be tough too I suppose. Meh. I love him. All of his personality flaws (like complaining about mine in a insensitive way) make him who he is, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He is brilliant. Really brilliant. I just can't express that to his face too often, unfortunately. Meh.
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