Okay wait.
That last post was complete and utter CRAP. On the relationship thing anyway. I was just tired. And I failed to mention the amazing things about him. How he's improved my life massively since I've been with him. The fact that he's one of the best friends that someone could possibly have. I've known him properly for like 3 years. Probably 4. And he is like,.... The best. He's constantly making me smile, even when I'm a shitty mood. Puts up with my shitty moods in fact. And he notices when I'm unhappy (most of the time), even if I disregard his statement with a smile and a well practiced reassuring statement. I don't know why I don't tell him I'm unhappy to be honest. I trust him, most of the time. Probably because I have the littlest doubt. Bleh, I just reeeeeaally hate what I said about him. I might edit that post actually. I was horrible, and a bitch. Fuck. I just like him too damn much. But I know our relationship is almost certainly not going to last through uni. I just can't deal with long distance. And I hate that, because I want it to last. Even to like where he is now. If I didn't see him at school every day, I doubt we would have lasted this long, because I wouldn't be able to cope with not seeing him often. I don't know. Ive never really tried a relationship outside of school (apart from tony... But that was a weird time for me) and I just feel I wouldn't like it. I'm going to give the uni thing a go, of course. Unless he dumps me after these posts.... But I don't want us to break up and then be on bad terms with one another. If we broke up, I couldn't deal with losing him as a friend. But I know he holds grudges to a certain extent. So.... That would be tough too I suppose. Meh. I love him. All of his personality flaws (like complaining about mine in a insensitive way) make him who he is, and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He is brilliant. Really brilliant. I just can't express that to his face too often, unfortunately. Meh.
Friday, 15 February 2013
Thursday, 14 February 2013
I feel like im suffocating.
I feel like im suffocating.
Like when you get that closed up throat feeling, and you're struggling to breathe like your heart is stuck in your throat. And I don't know why.
It could be due to the fact that its late.
But maybe it's because I personally feel suffocated in my life.
I'm going to become a physiotherapist. It's never going to be something I love with all my heart.
Like when you get that closed up throat feeling, and you're struggling to breathe like your heart is stuck in your throat. And I don't know why.
It could be due to the fact that its late.
But maybe it's because I personally feel suffocated in my life.
I'm going to become a physiotherapist. It's never going to be something I love with all my heart.
I'd much rather be an actor (but I didn't go to enough drama clubs and things for that) or someone who works in art, designing stuff. Getting all creative and shit. Or something in music. Because being able to express my feelings in songs that people would know I wrote would be awesome. But I struggle to put the words I feel to music. So the on,y way that would happen if I wasnt the lyricist in the band. And if I could find people with the same passion as me. And the same taste in music. That would be awesome. But that's not going to happen either. Instead, I'm going to be mocked for my individuality and sense of style by my family and my boyfriend and hardly ever be understood. Which is a really scary thought. I want to ignore that, but I just physically can't.its like, my brother will go out of his way to get to me, and I let him wind me up. He always wins. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being ridiculed. I'm sick of being like I'm expected to be. I'm just constantly judged. I even feel judged by my boyfriend, even if he's not, I just... I'm never going to be perfect. I go through phases of emo, goth, punk, hippy, back to emo, and no one appreciates why I do that. I'm trying to find that one style that I really belong in, and every time I try something new, I'm ridiculed for it. And I JUST WANT TO BE FREAKING LEFT ALONE. I want to dress the way I dress without my brother, or mother or boyfriend or friends questioning it or telling me I look retarded or something. Same with what music I listen to.
I don't have the same music tastes as anyone I know, apart from perhaps Hollie. And it really bugs me that I'm "labelled" as soon as I tell someone the genres I listen to. I like most music, but some music really speaks to me. I can relate to the lyrics and I fell like I belong in those few moments the music is playing. God, it's just, the rush that I get when I listen to music is incredible. Like, I get all shaky and feel like I just need to jump and run and scream, and all of that energy is just left buzzing around me and its just brilliant. I should probably channel it into something like running to be honest though,because otherwise it's just bottled up into like anger or some other tiresome emotion that needs energy. And that's not always a good thing, because then I really do scream. Or do stupid shit that I really regret.
God. I just. Life is and I think has always been really complicated with me when deciding on what I want. The choices I make are nearly always the wrong ones, and I never understand why that is. I make mistakes and never learn why, so I make them over and over. And I can't seem to change. Like there are flaws in my personality and I know that and I try to change,but I also know that I will never be able to.and that bugs me a lot, because I want to make the people who get annoyed by these flaws happy. And I can't do that when I'm doing something they can't stand. And when they mention it, I feel like they're judging me for my flaws, and not noticing anything else about me. And with my paranoid mind, that never ends well. I always get pissed off with them for things like that, but I also know that it's me that I'm annoyed with. I'm not perfect, and in a vain way, I want to be, because then no one would judge me, or call me names or compare me to other people.
I need to talk about all of this crap with the people. But I can never identify the right moment to do so. It's like, I am never going to be ready to pour out my feelings to a persons face, it will always be cyberly. Because that's all I'm comfortable with. I need time to think and process my replys, becuaee if I don't, I say the wrong thing and everything goes to the shit. I don't even know what this is about now. I need to man up and stop crying and stop moaning about my life to myself and just admit to my flaws I suppose. Fuck! Why do I still feel like shit?! I thought telling myself all of this would help but obviously not.
I think im having relationship issues, though I don't really know. It's 2 hours past valentines day and I just admitted that to myself. Fuck that. What is a relationship supposed to be like? I don't even know why I think I have issues, I've just seen every other person in a relationship, and those people have stuff in common. Stuff thry can talk about. I can barely think of anything anymore. I don't really watch dr who anymore. Or misfits. I don't watch HIMYM. I rarely watch BBT. We have different tastes in music. Different dress senses (really different, and he comments onthat a lot which pisses me off. same with the personality flaws thing but im not going to bring thst up again now). Different religious views. I have no idea about politics, nor do I care. We have really different opinions on drugs, so much so we literally cannot talk about it without fighting. It's just, I list all of these flaws and I just see how awkward it all is. The problem is, I really do like him. I just have no idea why....
Perhaps I just like the IDEA of him. Maybe that's it, I just don't want to be lonely. That is like my darkest fear, loneliness. Worse than the dark. Or vampires. Lonliness. That thought sickens me to my core, I can't even stomach it. And talking about this is now making me feel even worse than before. Not better. Fucking hell I am a fuck up of nature. I don't even know what I want.
I like him, or the idea of him, actually no, scrap that. That's just retarded. I like him way more than just as an idea. Yeah fuck all the above shit. I've admitted to myself that I love him several times. I just backtrack on myself a lot and question it. I do that a lot. Question things. I should stop doing that too. That always fucks up my brain so bad. But yeah. I love him and shit. I just need to be more,,,, solid in my thoughts on that, and listing out the negatives in our relationship is a bad thing to do. I mean, we have common things like....
We like watching movies. And mean girls.
And smurfs. (Even though they do get onmy nerves a lot actually)
And other stuff that I can't think of right now.
Probably.
I don't think it helps that I get jealous of him easily. He's got loads of close friends. I can't stay close to people. I always find a way to distance myself before I get too connected. I could go all psychological on this now but i won't. Too late (well, early) to do work like that. I need to stop the whole pushing thing though, because I complain that he's really good friends with people, but it's not like I make an effort to do things like that. Bu yeah, just small things, like when he goes off with the physics or maths people and they all share a inside joke and then they notice me and try to explain it, but it's never going to allow me to be included. I just get more confused, and they look at me like im less intelliget. that doesnt bither me so much actually, i am less intelligent. but the factthat my boyrpfriend doubts my intellectusl abilities in the oast kindof hurts a little. i mean, i wouldnt just make up things like that, just to make him like me more or something. but yeah, and then as soon as I say something about art or drama he's just like, whatever, and doesn't even pretend to give a shit about what I enjoy. Fuck. I'm not moaning about him, I am moaning about myself, that happens to involve bits of him. I love him just as much for all of his annoying bits too. But I wish sometimes that he'd just grow up and talk with me that he's annoyed about. Not just bitch to other people, or tell me when he's drunk, or bitch to other people when he's drunk. JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT. God. Maturity. Plus, He moans at me for not being "good" anymore. I mean, he said I'd changed after I came back from France. And since then he's just complained about my personality. I'm not perfect, I cut. I dress weirdly. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and I do drugs occasionally. That description is like the typical teenager nowadays. So why is he complaining? Really?
Right. I am done now. I am feeling even sicker than before and this has not made me feel any better. I've cried whilst writing this for fucks sake. That's just unbelievable. Why would I get emotional over my words? I only get emotional about other people's words. Usually lyrics. Fuck I need music. Something to make this shitty feeling go away.
Of course, I know exactly what would make this better. But I have promised my boyfriend that I would refrain from doing it. And it's not drugs, it's the other thing. And I have the biggest urges to just go ahead right now because it is the only thing I can think of to make me feel better. I am literally shaking at the thought, hands. Too. Juddery. To type. Thank fuck for autocorrect.
So yeah, instead, ill play sudoku.
Going to stop now, done, fin.
I've offended so many people in this thing. I don't know whether I should post this now.
My boyfriend will probably break up with me if he ever reads this. And it will break me if he does, but if course it's understandable. I've made it seem like I think he's a dick. And he's not. He's wonderful, we just don't have much in common and I hate that. I want us to have more in common and talk more. I would love that in fact. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to spchange. I don't know whether I WANT to change. Gkvkhfyifyikuv. Time will tell what happens. God, sometimes, I hate my splurges. At least I haven't cut myself. Or had an argument with myself. That was an eventful post.... Yeah. Really stopping now. I should probably sleep. It's 2:28 and I don't feel tired at all. Not even a little bit. That in itself is worrying. I don't want my insomnia to come back. That was like the lowest point in my life.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. (2:29) maybe I've just got the flu or something and in a couple of days ill be fine. Maybe I've got acting nerves for tomorrow. (2:30) well.... Today I suppose. My brain, Ahhh! I'm Jesus! God. I need more of those quotes like, all the hate goes to my dick. If I had one of course. (2:31) life just needs to calm now.
One more thing before I stop. I am incredibly insecure about my weight. And i really can't remember why. I think it's a mix of comments from my parents about my lack of excersise and the vast quantity of shit (hypothetical of course) which I shovel into my mouth. Like. I eat way too much for it to be good for me, and I can tell. I can only just fit into pairs of jeans which used to be loose on me, one pair I can't even fit in. The other reasons could be media I suppose. My brother, of course. People telling me I'm not fat actually. Both the "you're fat" and "you're not fat" statements get to me. Probably becuase they're mentioning my weight? I don't even know. I just know that the context is irrelevant. If my weight is mentioned, I feel insecure. And if anyone touches my legs in the wrong way, that makes me insecure too. I'm just way too insecure for my own good. I wish I could just stop eating for a while. Like last time, only this time have my mom not find out. I haven't thought about that in ages. Then again, year 11 seems ages ago anyways, and I have a pretty shit memory so,,,. Bleh. If I could get away with it, I would stop eating tomorrow. Or today. After sleep! Whatever. I don't care about times anymore. (Though btw, 2:38)
Okay, well this has been a rant and a half, plus another couple of halfs. Bleh. Fuck life. Fuck society.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I don't have the same music tastes as anyone I know, apart from perhaps Hollie. And it really bugs me that I'm "labelled" as soon as I tell someone the genres I listen to. I like most music, but some music really speaks to me. I can relate to the lyrics and I fell like I belong in those few moments the music is playing. God, it's just, the rush that I get when I listen to music is incredible. Like, I get all shaky and feel like I just need to jump and run and scream, and all of that energy is just left buzzing around me and its just brilliant. I should probably channel it into something like running to be honest though,because otherwise it's just bottled up into like anger or some other tiresome emotion that needs energy. And that's not always a good thing, because then I really do scream. Or do stupid shit that I really regret.
God. I just. Life is and I think has always been really complicated with me when deciding on what I want. The choices I make are nearly always the wrong ones, and I never understand why that is. I make mistakes and never learn why, so I make them over and over. And I can't seem to change. Like there are flaws in my personality and I know that and I try to change,but I also know that I will never be able to.and that bugs me a lot, because I want to make the people who get annoyed by these flaws happy. And I can't do that when I'm doing something they can't stand. And when they mention it, I feel like they're judging me for my flaws, and not noticing anything else about me. And with my paranoid mind, that never ends well. I always get pissed off with them for things like that, but I also know that it's me that I'm annoyed with. I'm not perfect, and in a vain way, I want to be, because then no one would judge me, or call me names or compare me to other people.
I need to talk about all of this crap with the people. But I can never identify the right moment to do so. It's like, I am never going to be ready to pour out my feelings to a persons face, it will always be cyberly. Because that's all I'm comfortable with. I need time to think and process my replys, becuaee if I don't, I say the wrong thing and everything goes to the shit. I don't even know what this is about now. I need to man up and stop crying and stop moaning about my life to myself and just admit to my flaws I suppose. Fuck! Why do I still feel like shit?! I thought telling myself all of this would help but obviously not.
I think im having relationship issues, though I don't really know. It's 2 hours past valentines day and I just admitted that to myself. Fuck that. What is a relationship supposed to be like? I don't even know why I think I have issues, I've just seen every other person in a relationship, and those people have stuff in common. Stuff thry can talk about. I can barely think of anything anymore. I don't really watch dr who anymore. Or misfits. I don't watch HIMYM. I rarely watch BBT. We have different tastes in music. Different dress senses (really different, and he comments onthat a lot which pisses me off. same with the personality flaws thing but im not going to bring thst up again now). Different religious views. I have no idea about politics, nor do I care. We have really different opinions on drugs, so much so we literally cannot talk about it without fighting. It's just, I list all of these flaws and I just see how awkward it all is. The problem is, I really do like him. I just have no idea why....
Perhaps I just like the IDEA of him. Maybe that's it, I just don't want to be lonely. That is like my darkest fear, loneliness. Worse than the dark. Or vampires. Lonliness. That thought sickens me to my core, I can't even stomach it. And talking about this is now making me feel even worse than before. Not better. Fucking hell I am a fuck up of nature. I don't even know what I want.
I like him, or the idea of him, actually no, scrap that. That's just retarded. I like him way more than just as an idea. Yeah fuck all the above shit. I've admitted to myself that I love him several times. I just backtrack on myself a lot and question it. I do that a lot. Question things. I should stop doing that too. That always fucks up my brain so bad. But yeah. I love him and shit. I just need to be more,,,, solid in my thoughts on that, and listing out the negatives in our relationship is a bad thing to do. I mean, we have common things like....
We like watching movies. And mean girls.
And smurfs. (Even though they do get onmy nerves a lot actually)
And other stuff that I can't think of right now.
Probably.
I don't think it helps that I get jealous of him easily. He's got loads of close friends. I can't stay close to people. I always find a way to distance myself before I get too connected. I could go all psychological on this now but i won't. Too late (well, early) to do work like that. I need to stop the whole pushing thing though, because I complain that he's really good friends with people, but it's not like I make an effort to do things like that. Bu yeah, just small things, like when he goes off with the physics or maths people and they all share a inside joke and then they notice me and try to explain it, but it's never going to allow me to be included. I just get more confused, and they look at me like im less intelliget. that doesnt bither me so much actually, i am less intelligent. but the factthat my boyrpfriend doubts my intellectusl abilities in the oast kindof hurts a little. i mean, i wouldnt just make up things like that, just to make him like me more or something. but yeah, and then as soon as I say something about art or drama he's just like, whatever, and doesn't even pretend to give a shit about what I enjoy. Fuck. I'm not moaning about him, I am moaning about myself, that happens to involve bits of him. I love him just as much for all of his annoying bits too. But I wish sometimes that he'd just grow up and talk with me that he's annoyed about. Not just bitch to other people, or tell me when he's drunk, or bitch to other people when he's drunk. JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY AND BE DONE WITH IT. God. Maturity. Plus, He moans at me for not being "good" anymore. I mean, he said I'd changed after I came back from France. And since then he's just complained about my personality. I'm not perfect, I cut. I dress weirdly. I do stupid things when I'm drunk and I do drugs occasionally. That description is like the typical teenager nowadays. So why is he complaining? Really?
Right. I am done now. I am feeling even sicker than before and this has not made me feel any better. I've cried whilst writing this for fucks sake. That's just unbelievable. Why would I get emotional over my words? I only get emotional about other people's words. Usually lyrics. Fuck I need music. Something to make this shitty feeling go away.
Of course, I know exactly what would make this better. But I have promised my boyfriend that I would refrain from doing it. And it's not drugs, it's the other thing. And I have the biggest urges to just go ahead right now because it is the only thing I can think of to make me feel better. I am literally shaking at the thought, hands. Too. Juddery. To type. Thank fuck for autocorrect.
So yeah, instead, ill play sudoku.
Going to stop now, done, fin.
I've offended so many people in this thing. I don't know whether I should post this now.
My boyfriend will probably break up with me if he ever reads this. And it will break me if he does, but if course it's understandable. I've made it seem like I think he's a dick. And he's not. He's wonderful, we just don't have much in common and I hate that. I want us to have more in common and talk more. I would love that in fact. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what to spchange. I don't know whether I WANT to change. Gkvkhfyifyikuv. Time will tell what happens. God, sometimes, I hate my splurges. At least I haven't cut myself. Or had an argument with myself. That was an eventful post.... Yeah. Really stopping now. I should probably sleep. It's 2:28 and I don't feel tired at all. Not even a little bit. That in itself is worrying. I don't want my insomnia to come back. That was like the lowest point in my life.
Perhaps I'm overreacting. (2:29) maybe I've just got the flu or something and in a couple of days ill be fine. Maybe I've got acting nerves for tomorrow. (2:30) well.... Today I suppose. My brain, Ahhh! I'm Jesus! God. I need more of those quotes like, all the hate goes to my dick. If I had one of course. (2:31) life just needs to calm now.
One more thing before I stop. I am incredibly insecure about my weight. And i really can't remember why. I think it's a mix of comments from my parents about my lack of excersise and the vast quantity of shit (hypothetical of course) which I shovel into my mouth. Like. I eat way too much for it to be good for me, and I can tell. I can only just fit into pairs of jeans which used to be loose on me, one pair I can't even fit in. The other reasons could be media I suppose. My brother, of course. People telling me I'm not fat actually. Both the "you're fat" and "you're not fat" statements get to me. Probably becuase they're mentioning my weight? I don't even know. I just know that the context is irrelevant. If my weight is mentioned, I feel insecure. And if anyone touches my legs in the wrong way, that makes me insecure too. I'm just way too insecure for my own good. I wish I could just stop eating for a while. Like last time, only this time have my mom not find out. I haven't thought about that in ages. Then again, year 11 seems ages ago anyways, and I have a pretty shit memory so,,,. Bleh. If I could get away with it, I would stop eating tomorrow. Or today. After sleep! Whatever. I don't care about times anymore. (Though btw, 2:38)
Okay, well this has been a rant and a half, plus another couple of halfs. Bleh. Fuck life. Fuck society.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Friday, 9 November 2012
RE: I'm Scared.
So, the single YouTuber that got me in to watching things on that website was speaking about how scared he was. And it worries me that the one person I looked up to for confidence, actually struggles every day. I dunno, it just affected me in a way. I don't even understand why. Meh.
Speaking out. Finally.
I have this thing, where I think that people can hear my thoughts. Weird right? It messes with my mind more than you'd think though. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about small things, and suddenly I feel I can't be thinking about it any more, because a stranger, or even someone I know, is listening in. So instead I have to distract myself by thinking about a word repeatedly, or imagining a picture, or hitting myself. Something to distract my thoughts from what I was thinking about before. And it can be the tiniest thing that I think about. It was in the beginning. Now, its about my "depression" or particularly dark thoughts. And this "thought reading thing" gives me some sort of paranoia which darkens my thoughts even more. That cycle is now stuck and every time I have another dark thought - usually triggered by remembering a "thought reading moment" or remembering a particularly bad moment in my past (and I'm not lacking in them - like hearing my mother telling me that Hatter told her what was going on, or people telling me that I'm worthless and I need to try harder, or hearing bad news from someone I love.....) - I have to start the whole process again, imagining a picture, creating a distraction. Do you know what the best distraction is? Course you do. Pain. That's why hitting myself works. But sometimes that's not enough. You can see where I'm going with this. I know why I'm constantly sad/"depressed"/whatever you want to call it, in my mind. I know why I cut. But I can't do anything about it and I don't want to tell anyone about it. I mean, it was hard enough telling the three people I have done about my "paranoia". But none of them really understood what that meant for me. How much it hinders my life and how much pain it causes me in the long run. I want to say something. I really do. But whenever I try to think about how to construct that conversation, I get scared by the possibilities of what could happen. What people might think. Who knows what might be? That's what keeps me living in fear of speaking out.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Isolation
I'm feeling more isolated now. I think it's something to do with my paranoia. Since H's party, my trust levels have zeroed down to basically nothing. I can't talk to anyone. I'm just... alone. Like I'm trapped on the other side of a huge glass world and everyone's voices are muffed, to the point where I can only respond to what people are saying and not engage with them properly. If it continues, I'll surely go insane. But at the same time, I feel like I don't want to connect with anyone for a long while, maybe forever, just to see how life would go on without me being there. I want to detach myself indefinitely from the group again, a bit like September last year, so won't have to make an effort to let people in. If I close up, I could focus on my studies; wouldn't feel obliged to go to parties or social gatherings; I could think about how to sort out my problems; I could potentially better my life if I stayed on my own. I'm sure everyone would learn to move on eventually. Even Smurf, he could move on to better people, probably Hatter, and I would (eventually.....) relax, because when he breaks down my guard, when I give him those little bits of trust, when I think I'm becoming more confident, the truth is, I feel more and more paranoid about what other people think of me and whether they're going behind my back, talking about me, laughing at me. In my mind I accuse so many people of so many things, all the time. If someone looks at me, one hundred reasons flash through my mind at why they did that. They may just have been glancing in my direction and happen to have locked onto me for a split second, but what if they were thinking about how odd my hair looked, decided I looked fat, thought I looked weird, or noticed how miserable I am underneath the smiles? Suppose they thought that. Then what would I do? I think about how I would respond to those thoughts and in my mind I try to 'better' myself by thinking: "Tomorrow, I'll do my hair differently; or next week, I'll throw up after my meals so I can lose weight...." and so on. I mean, those possibilities are endless, and most of the time, I hate where they lead me.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Thinking about it...
Sometimes I wonder why I didn't end it when I had the courage to.... Just sometimes...
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Forgetting the Past and Promises for the Future
Found out that Smurf kissed Hatter at H's the other night. It serves me right I suppose. And it was bound to happen eventually. I mean, she still likes him, and it would be hard for him not to like her because she can be really wonderful and make you feel really special sometimes. Her way with words is great. It's how she makes friends so easily. Sometimes I miss her, but then I remember the things she did and what that led to... Meh. Basically, when she starts to talk to someone and helps them out, they start falling in love with her personality. The thing is, that personality changes and fluxes according to who she's talking to. I noticed that over the years. X and I used to talk about it all the time, how she'd tweak her excitability or sincerity for the person she was interacting with, almost weaving in between the small gaps in their personality. I still notice it. More-so now, I think, because I can see how she alters it for me now. I was blind to that before, because I wanted to overlook it and imagine that she was genuine with me. I mean, maybe she used to be, but she's not like that with me now.
I sometimes wish we were friends again. Like properly, not the dancing-on-egg-shells type of friends we are now. But I don't know. It would be tainted with the past and I don't suppose I could deal with that..... Thinking about that.... I don't think we could be friends for a long time. I suppose we should talk about that; suggest we quit trying to make it work for a while and just go right back to acquaintances for now. It would be a helluva lot easier.
So to conclude with the original point. I don't think I'm mad at him. Or disappointed. What I suppose I am now, is more paranoid about him leaving me than before. Because he could literally up and leave and go off with her at any point. And trying to convince myself that it's extremely unlikely is proving difficult. I suppose all I can do is focus on doing that, as well as trying to boost my self-confidence (which losing weight is hopefully going to push along). Talking about things will help too, but I can focus more on that in the future, and first work on trust. And in order to work on trust, and to trust him, I've got to be trust worthy, and to be trustworthy, I've got to be so much less childish and closed up about things, and in order to do that, I've got to be less paranoid. What a loop of dispair, eh?
Meh, I'll let you know how it goes later.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I sometimes wish we were friends again. Like properly, not the dancing-on-egg-shells type of friends we are now. But I don't know. It would be tainted with the past and I don't suppose I could deal with that..... Thinking about that.... I don't think we could be friends for a long time. I suppose we should talk about that; suggest we quit trying to make it work for a while and just go right back to acquaintances for now. It would be a helluva lot easier.
So to conclude with the original point. I don't think I'm mad at him. Or disappointed. What I suppose I am now, is more paranoid about him leaving me than before. Because he could literally up and leave and go off with her at any point. And trying to convince myself that it's extremely unlikely is proving difficult. I suppose all I can do is focus on doing that, as well as trying to boost my self-confidence (which losing weight is hopefully going to push along). Talking about things will help too, but I can focus more on that in the future, and first work on trust. And in order to work on trust, and to trust him, I've got to be trust worthy, and to be trustworthy, I've got to be so much less childish and closed up about things, and in order to do that, I've got to be less paranoid. What a loop of dispair, eh?
Meh, I'll let you know how it goes later.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Thursday, 1 November 2012
LONDON. :D
Wednesday -
Woke up. And I was reeeeallllyyyy hot. Like on the verge of boiling. Because along with the body heat from Smurf, we had like a million tons of duvet over us. Which I soon decided to kick off.
We soon realised that another couple were in the room with us, and apparently, Alice had woken up with my bra on her face. How lovely for her.... XD
Sorted things out for when we had to leave before doing some.. stuff.... :P
Left H's and stopped at mine for a while so I could shower and change etc. Then we got to Smurfs and he did the same.
Got the train in le nearby town and soon we had arrived in LONDON. :)
So we said goodbye to his family and set off for Baker Street... though we did go in the wrong direction to start with.... XD
So yeah, visited 221b Baker Street. And it was pretty damn cool. :D I took many, many pictures.
After a short walk, we took the tube to find Ripleys. Which, when we emerged from the underground, was conveniently right beside us.
It was a pretty awesome place. :) So many freaky facts and pictures and models and like... there was anything you could imagine in there. ^_^
Things that were incorporated with the tickets we bought was a Mirror Maze (which was pretty easy) and the Lazer Race (which we were both crap at). But it was all good fun. And made us feel like secret agents. ^_^
Ate dinner at Pizza Hut. And after that experience, Smurf told me we were never going to eat there again. XD So yeah, we rushed back to the station and did some window shopping, before finding out that the train was delayed. >_> Harumph. Ahh well. We got seats anyways.
Bob had this wax hand thing from Maddame Tussards and kept playing around with it..... so it eventually broke... Can't say I didn't see it coming.
Slept on the train for most of the way and at my stop I got off. :( Father picked me up though, and we had a good journey back, listening to the Stones. :D
Got home and went straight to bed. I was completely knackered.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Woke up. And I was reeeeallllyyyy hot. Like on the verge of boiling. Because along with the body heat from Smurf, we had like a million tons of duvet over us. Which I soon decided to kick off.
We soon realised that another couple were in the room with us, and apparently, Alice had woken up with my bra on her face. How lovely for her.... XD
Sorted things out for when we had to leave before doing some.. stuff.... :P
Left H's and stopped at mine for a while so I could shower and change etc. Then we got to Smurfs and he did the same.
Got the train in le nearby town and soon we had arrived in LONDON. :)
So we said goodbye to his family and set off for Baker Street... though we did go in the wrong direction to start with.... XD
So yeah, visited 221b Baker Street. And it was pretty damn cool. :D I took many, many pictures.
After a short walk, we took the tube to find Ripleys. Which, when we emerged from the underground, was conveniently right beside us.
It was a pretty awesome place. :) So many freaky facts and pictures and models and like... there was anything you could imagine in there. ^_^
Things that were incorporated with the tickets we bought was a Mirror Maze (which was pretty easy) and the Lazer Race (which we were both crap at). But it was all good fun. And made us feel like secret agents. ^_^
Ate dinner at Pizza Hut. And after that experience, Smurf told me we were never going to eat there again. XD So yeah, we rushed back to the station and did some window shopping, before finding out that the train was delayed. >_> Harumph. Ahh well. We got seats anyways.
Bob had this wax hand thing from Maddame Tussards and kept playing around with it..... so it eventually broke... Can't say I didn't see it coming.
Slept on the train for most of the way and at my stop I got off. :( Father picked me up though, and we had a good journey back, listening to the Stones. :D
Got home and went straight to bed. I was completely knackered.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
20's Party. :)
Tuesday -
After spending two whole days in my pyjamas, this day - I was forced to do something sociable - H's Party.
After watching the Dark Knight, I dressed and made my way there.
Arrived and said hi to everyone. I was a bit self conscious about what I was wearing, but people said it was okay, so.... paranoia subdued! YAY!
Greeted Kirby again once the other people arrived. Danced to the club songs for a little while, whilst others played card games, or sat in the lounge talking.
Food was issued and after that people stopped dancing for a while. This gave Shelly, Bambi and Kirby the time to back me into a corner and force alcohol down my throat. Literally. Though most of it spilt down the front of my dress instead....
Danced some more once people returned from food and the songs were fantastic. :D Time Warp, Monster Mash, Thriller, WhipMyHair, Charlieissocoollike.... :P But yeah, H took her iPod away to talk on Facetime so I found my iPod and songs chosen got a little.... darker. Not that the people left in the room seemed to mind. By then, the hype had died down, so people were sitting in the lounge, planning to watch movies already.
After doing some excellent screaming and wonderful headbanging, we made our way over to the sofa to rest a while. This soon became a pile on. Sprawling over one another was fun, and made even more magical when Kirby and Jassy decided to make out, whilst everyone else lay around them and watched.... :D Uh, the Ginge also had a go at him, but that wasn't so magical, and he soon cleared off again.
I exited briefly to look for Smurf as I hadn't seen him in a while, but when I asked him to join us he just declined and said he wouldn't enjoy it. Which I understood because he doesn't like the music we were listening to. I cleared off and saw him walk off with Hatter a while later.
More love and such. We all talked a while, sharing funny stories and helping one another out with situations we were struggling with. One subject that came up was the Smurf-Hatter thing, which Shelly noticed after going off to get a drink. She saw them and wanted to know why they always went off together, she thought it was unfair on me and wanted to go and say something to them. It took all my reasoning, and grabbing onto her legs to stop her from moving to keep her from confronting them about it. I did try to explain to her that I had gotten used to it by now, and that I couldn't complain when I spent time with other people anyway, she she still didn't seem convinced. I've got to keep talking to her about that.
I left after that though, to go and see where Smurf was, I really wanted to hug him and talk with him about stuff and spend time with him like I knew I should, but then I saw the two of them playing cards together on the landing and I sort of chickened out and pretended I needed to get something from my bag instead...
Went back downstairs and somewhere along the way, we acquired a pen and began to draw all over people which lightened my mood just a bit. :) Though having Shelly (and then Kirby) confront me like that about my insecurities opened up a twitch of paranoia that started to grow pretty quickly. Everyone else, apart from the aforementioned two, left and I thought I'd give them some alone time, seeing as they had one another. Instead, I went upstairs to find a quiet place to sit. Unfortunately, I could hear Smurf playing connect 4 in the play room with Hatter and I let my paranoia and jealousy combination get the better of me. I mean, you over think things when you're left in a room on your own and hearing them laughing together just fuelled the bad mood that had been threatening to appear. I can't help it. I'm scared that soon, they'll get so close that the beginning of year 12 will happen all over again, just to different people. And I hate that, because I love him, I just have this overbearing sense of paranoia that the people I love don't love me back. None of my relationships have ever been good ones. I've always been hurt, or used or pushed into things, and I started thinking (a while back) that I just wasn't meant to be loved. That's another reason I started cutting. I just thought that all men were disgusting and that there was something really wrong with me that just meant I couldn't be loved. And now this relationship has come along, and I really love him. But I have this underlying fear of rejection. Like this constant fear that he's going to screw it up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to wake up one day and realise that he doesn't want me; that Hatter, or another one of his exes will make it back into the picture. And I constantly project my insecurities onto him. Strangely enough though, it's only when we're physically apart. Because when we're together I just feel so loved and safe and I trust him, and in the back of my mind I know that he'd never cheat on me, he's never given me reason to think otherwise. It's just that my paranoia won't go away.
Even though, I'm the one who cheats. It's not meaningful. I regret it as soon as I've done it, and all of the drunken mistakes just pile up as I add another accidental kiss to the list of things I do wrong in the world. It's happened four times now. I mean, I can feel terrible about it, but I can never take that back. Sometimes I try to think about why I do it. I thought it's because I need to feel something when something bad has happened (like when I feel I've disappointed someone, or someone's angry at me for something) but really, I just have something really wrong with me. Something twisted and sick and just plain wrong. I don't deserve Smurf. At all. And I think about that all the time. This is the most in love I've ever been. The only time I truly believe that I can love someone, and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship in order to validate what I feel inside: That I'm somewhat unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will send me back into that dark, negative spiral that I fought so hard to pull myself out of, because I struggle to pick myself up and make changes for the positive. I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend who is just so great to me, I can't even understand it...
So after having a mini breakdown in the dark I tried to cure it the best I could, and I've relapsed again. Who knew nails could be so sharp. I broke the skin with them this time. It hurt quite a bit actually, more than usual, but then again, I was more angry this time.
I went downstairs again to see if I could find a place to fit again, but everyone had coupled up so I ascended the stairs again. People didn't even notice me. Apart from Smurf. Who I pushed away as soon as he found me. I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. Once I'd calmed down, I went to look for him.
We hugged and talked for a long while. It took a while for small things to be said. And I felt that I complained too much and couldn't fully open up to him about things. But it was a start I suppose.....
Stuff happened after that, and after a brief sugar quest, made longer by Kirby and Shelly talking to me and me to them. They made me laugh which was nice, at that time. :)
Went to bed with Smurf. It was lovely and I slept peacefully, even if it was only 3 hours..... :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
After spending two whole days in my pyjamas, this day - I was forced to do something sociable - H's Party.
After watching the Dark Knight, I dressed and made my way there.
Arrived and said hi to everyone. I was a bit self conscious about what I was wearing, but people said it was okay, so.... paranoia subdued! YAY!
Greeted Kirby again once the other people arrived. Danced to the club songs for a little while, whilst others played card games, or sat in the lounge talking.
Food was issued and after that people stopped dancing for a while. This gave Shelly, Bambi and Kirby the time to back me into a corner and force alcohol down my throat. Literally. Though most of it spilt down the front of my dress instead....
Danced some more once people returned from food and the songs were fantastic. :D Time Warp, Monster Mash, Thriller, WhipMyHair, Charlieissocoollike.... :P But yeah, H took her iPod away to talk on Facetime so I found my iPod and songs chosen got a little.... darker. Not that the people left in the room seemed to mind. By then, the hype had died down, so people were sitting in the lounge, planning to watch movies already.
After doing some excellent screaming and wonderful headbanging, we made our way over to the sofa to rest a while. This soon became a pile on. Sprawling over one another was fun, and made even more magical when Kirby and Jassy decided to make out, whilst everyone else lay around them and watched.... :D Uh, the Ginge also had a go at him, but that wasn't so magical, and he soon cleared off again.
I exited briefly to look for Smurf as I hadn't seen him in a while, but when I asked him to join us he just declined and said he wouldn't enjoy it. Which I understood because he doesn't like the music we were listening to. I cleared off and saw him walk off with Hatter a while later.
More love and such. We all talked a while, sharing funny stories and helping one another out with situations we were struggling with. One subject that came up was the Smurf-Hatter thing, which Shelly noticed after going off to get a drink. She saw them and wanted to know why they always went off together, she thought it was unfair on me and wanted to go and say something to them. It took all my reasoning, and grabbing onto her legs to stop her from moving to keep her from confronting them about it. I did try to explain to her that I had gotten used to it by now, and that I couldn't complain when I spent time with other people anyway, she she still didn't seem convinced. I've got to keep talking to her about that.
I left after that though, to go and see where Smurf was, I really wanted to hug him and talk with him about stuff and spend time with him like I knew I should, but then I saw the two of them playing cards together on the landing and I sort of chickened out and pretended I needed to get something from my bag instead...
Went back downstairs and somewhere along the way, we acquired a pen and began to draw all over people which lightened my mood just a bit. :) Though having Shelly (and then Kirby) confront me like that about my insecurities opened up a twitch of paranoia that started to grow pretty quickly. Everyone else, apart from the aforementioned two, left and I thought I'd give them some alone time, seeing as they had one another. Instead, I went upstairs to find a quiet place to sit. Unfortunately, I could hear Smurf playing connect 4 in the play room with Hatter and I let my paranoia and jealousy combination get the better of me. I mean, you over think things when you're left in a room on your own and hearing them laughing together just fuelled the bad mood that had been threatening to appear. I can't help it. I'm scared that soon, they'll get so close that the beginning of year 12 will happen all over again, just to different people. And I hate that, because I love him, I just have this overbearing sense of paranoia that the people I love don't love me back. None of my relationships have ever been good ones. I've always been hurt, or used or pushed into things, and I started thinking (a while back) that I just wasn't meant to be loved. That's another reason I started cutting. I just thought that all men were disgusting and that there was something really wrong with me that just meant I couldn't be loved. And now this relationship has come along, and I really love him. But I have this underlying fear of rejection. Like this constant fear that he's going to screw it up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to wake up one day and realise that he doesn't want me; that Hatter, or another one of his exes will make it back into the picture. And I constantly project my insecurities onto him. Strangely enough though, it's only when we're physically apart. Because when we're together I just feel so loved and safe and I trust him, and in the back of my mind I know that he'd never cheat on me, he's never given me reason to think otherwise. It's just that my paranoia won't go away.
Even though, I'm the one who cheats. It's not meaningful. I regret it as soon as I've done it, and all of the drunken mistakes just pile up as I add another accidental kiss to the list of things I do wrong in the world. It's happened four times now. I mean, I can feel terrible about it, but I can never take that back. Sometimes I try to think about why I do it. I thought it's because I need to feel something when something bad has happened (like when I feel I've disappointed someone, or someone's angry at me for something) but really, I just have something really wrong with me. Something twisted and sick and just plain wrong. I don't deserve Smurf. At all. And I think about that all the time. This is the most in love I've ever been. The only time I truly believe that I can love someone, and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to ruin my relationship in order to validate what I feel inside: That I'm somewhat unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will send me back into that dark, negative spiral that I fought so hard to pull myself out of, because I struggle to pick myself up and make changes for the positive. I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend who is just so great to me, I can't even understand it...
So after having a mini breakdown in the dark I tried to cure it the best I could, and I've relapsed again. Who knew nails could be so sharp. I broke the skin with them this time. It hurt quite a bit actually, more than usual, but then again, I was more angry this time.
I went downstairs again to see if I could find a place to fit again, but everyone had coupled up so I ascended the stairs again. People didn't even notice me. Apart from Smurf. Who I pushed away as soon as he found me. I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. Once I'd calmed down, I went to look for him.
We hugged and talked for a long while. It took a while for small things to be said. And I felt that I complained too much and couldn't fully open up to him about things. But it was a start I suppose.....
Stuff happened after that, and after a brief sugar quest, made longer by Kirby and Shelly talking to me and me to them. They made me laugh which was nice, at that time. :)
Went to bed with Smurf. It was lovely and I slept peacefully, even if it was only 3 hours..... :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Sunday, 28 October 2012
MCM EXPO GFEQNHVIRENAVIRWA!!!!
Thursday:
School; last day. :)
Le Cousin came back for tea. It was fun. ^_^
We all sat on the coach, and Jeffery had his blessed reunion with his beloved Barney. :P
The play was hilarious. I loved it so much. One Man, Two Goveners should be seen by everyone.
Sleep came quickly.
Friday:
It was a pretty early start. Drove to Le Cousins house. I unpacked my stuffs, and then the sewing began. :D
During the day, we listened to the music on her spotify account. Mostly The Rasmus. :) Though I stopped that briefly to show Andy a One Piece spoof called "Pirates and/or Ninjas". It was fantastically funny.
Pasta for lunch, and then we carried on until finally finishing the dress at 5. Hurrah!
I took a shower, washed my hair and we ate dinner at 7:30.
In order to get enough sleep I went to bed at 8, but Smurf texted me... so I didn't get as much sleep as I had originally planned.
Saturday:
GFEAWGBJRIEANRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up a little later than I should have. We all rushed about, trying to get ready and eventually packed the last munite things so we could rush to the station.
Met Fel, Gaylen and Nerd there.
Completed stuff on train.
We finally arrived at 8:45 and planned on getting there super early so we didn't have to queue that much. Unfortunately the ticket machine decided that eating your fiver, keeping it in it's mouth and refusing to register any money has been inserted, kept us from doing just that. Because screw technology. We had to wait for about 15 minutes before anyone tried to do anything, and another 10 minutes before they told us it couldn't be fixed. So after 5 minutes of them trying to refund me and then allowing me to actually buy the ticket that I wanted in the first place, we were half an hour later than planned and therefore, queues were inevitable. It didn't matter though, because the rest of the journey made up for that hitch. As we took trains that were closer and closer to our destination, more and more people in cosplay joined us, until literally 10 people out of thousands on the train were dressed normally. :P It was awesome.
whilst queuing for wrist bands we tried to name as many costumes as we could. I surprised myself by knowing more than I thought I would be able to, seeing as I don't watch that much anime.
As we entered..... WOWZERS. There was just so much colour, and everyone was smiling (unless they couldn't - due to their costume). Gosh, it was just wonderful. Frendliness just radiated from the place.
Bought prezzie for Cousin - She absolitely loves POKI. :P
Wandered round for a while - looking at the stalls, pictures and people. One thing on nearly every single table was these things called "Full Body Pillows". :D Basically, almost naked manga women, printed on a pillow, which guys sleep with, and in extreme cases, sometimes they marry them. Creepy. ¬_¬
We also happened to come across many pictures, which, as we flicked through them towards the back, became women with less and less clothing on until.... hentai. XD
More things on the stalls, happened to be: Wigs, Figurines, and Nerdalising items of epicosity. Heh heh heh.
I had a nerdgasm for very long moments at a time.
There was a Doctor Who section with a T.A.R.D.I.S. that was as tall as the ceiling... which is tall. Very tall. There was also a Steampunk section, which I just "happied" about for several whiles. On top of the general epicosity of the place, the people in it just put the cherry on top. So many cosplayers, so many amazingal costumes. So much win. ^_^
So we looked round more of the exhibits. The Starwars one contained the real actor of C3PO and there were some people around the Assassins Creed one dressed as the Brotherhood who you could pose with. :P
We visited Cybercandy briefly too. I wish I lived in America sometimes. The sweets they have there just blow your mind. No wonder the stereotype is chubbiness, I bet I'd be a size 20 if I got to eat all the things that they do. XD
So yeah, then, as we were walking through the Katana section (I'm going to buy one, one day, and I shall be a ninja) we spotted..... ALEX FREAKING DAY!!!! I had a nerdgasm right there and then and it was wonderful. I garbled at him a bit and he said he had no idea what I said and that continued for a little bit but I eventually got a picture with him and all was well. :P
Le Cousin hugged a giant evil bear called Tibbers... Which was awesome seeing as she's petrified of masks and scary costumes.... yeah.
Uh.... scabbered round to the place where you meet famous people and met... famous people. Nerd and I were constantly making comments in that area about how we just loved different peoples ....'eyes'.... there were a lot of models in that area.... :P But anyays, while Nerd was having an orgasm over an Assassins Creed voice actor, Le Cousin and I were talking with some people who acted in Star Wars films, as well as chatting with those female models... ^_^
Went back along the ........... to get our tickets signed by ALEX FREAKING DAY and to tell him about "Doctor Who the Musical" which is showing in Northampton soon. :P
Shuffled back along to the Steampunk area and bought a couple of things (another spoon to add to my collection).
Saw TomSka and quoted some ASDF before realising that I had, in fact, lost my phone. We retraced our steps whilst Charlie called it and someone eventually picked up so that
Took some more photos, and had some more taken of us, before trying to find Shelly and co. (who had arrived by now). It took several trips from N4 to N1 to N4 and back again, but we kept missing them. So instead we went to the loo and took more photos before walking outside into the courtyard. There were so many awesome people there. :D
Lost my "Keep calm and candy on" balloon briefly but after chasing it for about 50 meters with many people looking on in awe, I finally got it back. :P
Chased after two Doctors and a Master before it started to rain, unfortunately. When the rain died down, we went back indoors to get out of the wind, which was particularly strong.
Finally met up with people beside N7. These people were as follows: Shelly and Tobias!! (and Bambi, Kirby, Harry and Sam).
Shimmyed off to the Steampunk stalls and bought a few other things, as well as buying an ASDF t-Shirt. :D
Then I took them all to see ALEX FREAKING DAY (again) and when I appeared again, he remembered me and we had a small conversation. ^_^
Went off to a nearby stand to buy a Gallifrayan Crest - Seal of Rassilon necklace. :)
Walked back through, round to the Steampunk place, before Bambi decided that she wanted to get her wrist band signed by ALEX FREAKING DAY, so we went back to see him (yet again) and we had another conversation. He and I were becoming quite comfortable talking by now and stood to the side discussing things for a while. XD
Found Sam and wandered round with him whilst looking for the others. Saw Nerd and Tobias (briefly) but they went off to see another Assassins Creed thing. :P Typical.
Found the others eventually, and sat watching the cosplay show for a while. Some of the costumes were truly fantastic.
Outside, everyone bought some chocolate stuffs and we all sat on the steps, watching previews, though when the Breaking Dawn one came on, we ran away from it screaming and managed to get lots of other people to charge away from it with us. That was pretty awesome. XD
Stayed inside for small amount of time to say hi to Leah and co. But got told to find Fel so we went outside again. Said goodbye to Kirby and marveled at his height one more time, before giving him an "extreme hug" and bidding him adieu, though I shall see him on Tuesday anyways so..... :P
Charlie and I walked off trying to find Andy and people but we gave that up eventually and sat outside instead. She didn't feel too good and needed to lie down so she sent me off to find the others again. Which I did, eventually.
They had to leave shortly after that, but luckily I found Nerd at that exact moment. So we said bye to them and went in search of the Cyber Candy stall again, though he got sidetracked by an Assassins Creed section (again. :P)
Found Cyber Candy and bought some True Blood, which was truly delectable. We went outside with it and drank a bit of it. People wanted some more pictures because we just looked too awesome for our own good. ^_^
We finally met up with everyone and decided to leave. Shimmyed down to the train station and met AlexAwesomesauce on theTube. Waited for our train and chatted with him until we had to leave. He's pretty awesome. Hopefully we can meet up again some time soon.
Got on the train and prepared myself for a long journey. It didn't actually seem that long though. I walked by some guys on my way to the loo and got a few comments (both ways) because they're idiots. Meh.
Took a taxi to Charlies and then Nerd gave me a lift the rest of the way because he's truly a very awesome person. :)
I got home and unpacked what was urgently needed to be taken out, before stripping myself of the steampunk gear and replacing it with my new "I'm doing an internet!" t-Shirt. :)
I was sitting on the sofa, about to go to bed when I heard a knock at the door. SMURF!!! He actually decided to come over to see me which was a wonderful surprise. ^_^
So yeah. Stuff happened. And more stuff. And lots more stuff... XD
Still, we had a little blanket snuggle. And then he disappeareded.
And THEN I went to bed. Finally. I was knackered.
Sunday:
Woke up.
Made a pancake batter. :)
Updated a bit of my blog.
Started watching all of the recorded Russel Howards Good News'. I do love that man. :P
Made the pancakes
Watched BBT.
Generally a very lazy day. :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
School; last day. :)
Le Cousin came back for tea. It was fun. ^_^
We all sat on the coach, and Jeffery had his blessed reunion with his beloved Barney. :P
The play was hilarious. I loved it so much. One Man, Two Goveners should be seen by everyone.
Sleep came quickly.
Friday:
It was a pretty early start. Drove to Le Cousins house. I unpacked my stuffs, and then the sewing began. :D
During the day, we listened to the music on her spotify account. Mostly The Rasmus. :) Though I stopped that briefly to show Andy a One Piece spoof called "Pirates and/or Ninjas". It was fantastically funny.
Pasta for lunch, and then we carried on until finally finishing the dress at 5. Hurrah!
I took a shower, washed my hair and we ate dinner at 7:30.
In order to get enough sleep I went to bed at 8, but Smurf texted me... so I didn't get as much sleep as I had originally planned.
Saturday:
GFEAWGBJRIEANRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up a little later than I should have. We all rushed about, trying to get ready and eventually packed the last munite things so we could rush to the station.
Met Fel, Gaylen and Nerd there.
Completed stuff on train.
We finally arrived at 8:45 and planned on getting there super early so we didn't have to queue that much. Unfortunately the ticket machine decided that eating your fiver, keeping it in it's mouth and refusing to register any money has been inserted, kept us from doing just that. Because screw technology. We had to wait for about 15 minutes before anyone tried to do anything, and another 10 minutes before they told us it couldn't be fixed. So after 5 minutes of them trying to refund me and then allowing me to actually buy the ticket that I wanted in the first place, we were half an hour later than planned and therefore, queues were inevitable. It didn't matter though, because the rest of the journey made up for that hitch. As we took trains that were closer and closer to our destination, more and more people in cosplay joined us, until literally 10 people out of thousands on the train were dressed normally. :P It was awesome.
whilst queuing for wrist bands we tried to name as many costumes as we could. I surprised myself by knowing more than I thought I would be able to, seeing as I don't watch that much anime.
As we entered..... WOWZERS. There was just so much colour, and everyone was smiling (unless they couldn't - due to their costume). Gosh, it was just wonderful. Frendliness just radiated from the place.
Bought prezzie for Cousin - She absolitely loves POKI. :P
Wandered round for a while - looking at the stalls, pictures and people. One thing on nearly every single table was these things called "Full Body Pillows". :D Basically, almost naked manga women, printed on a pillow, which guys sleep with, and in extreme cases, sometimes they marry them. Creepy. ¬_¬
We also happened to come across many pictures, which, as we flicked through them towards the back, became women with less and less clothing on until.... hentai. XD
More things on the stalls, happened to be: Wigs, Figurines, and Nerdalising items of epicosity. Heh heh heh.
I had a nerdgasm for very long moments at a time.
There was a Doctor Who section with a T.A.R.D.I.S. that was as tall as the ceiling... which is tall. Very tall. There was also a Steampunk section, which I just "happied" about for several whiles. On top of the general epicosity of the place, the people in it just put the cherry on top. So many cosplayers, so many amazingal costumes. So much win. ^_^
So we looked round more of the exhibits. The Starwars one contained the real actor of C3PO and there were some people around the Assassins Creed one dressed as the Brotherhood who you could pose with. :P
We visited Cybercandy briefly too. I wish I lived in America sometimes. The sweets they have there just blow your mind. No wonder the stereotype is chubbiness, I bet I'd be a size 20 if I got to eat all the things that they do. XD
So yeah, then, as we were walking through the Katana section (I'm going to buy one, one day, and I shall be a ninja) we spotted..... ALEX FREAKING DAY!!!! I had a nerdgasm right there and then and it was wonderful. I garbled at him a bit and he said he had no idea what I said and that continued for a little bit but I eventually got a picture with him and all was well. :P
Le Cousin hugged a giant evil bear called Tibbers... Which was awesome seeing as she's petrified of masks and scary costumes.... yeah.
Uh.... scabbered round to the place where you meet famous people and met... famous people. Nerd and I were constantly making comments in that area about how we just loved different peoples ....'eyes'.... there were a lot of models in that area.... :P But anyays, while Nerd was having an orgasm over an Assassins Creed voice actor, Le Cousin and I were talking with some people who acted in Star Wars films, as well as chatting with those female models... ^_^
Went back along the ........... to get our tickets signed by ALEX FREAKING DAY and to tell him about "Doctor Who the Musical" which is showing in Northampton soon. :P
Shuffled back along to the Steampunk area and bought a couple of things (another spoon to add to my collection).
Saw TomSka and quoted some ASDF before realising that I had, in fact, lost my phone. We retraced our steps whilst Charlie called it and someone eventually picked up so that
Took some more photos, and had some more taken of us, before trying to find Shelly and co. (who had arrived by now). It took several trips from N4 to N1 to N4 and back again, but we kept missing them. So instead we went to the loo and took more photos before walking outside into the courtyard. There were so many awesome people there. :D
Lost my "Keep calm and candy on" balloon briefly but after chasing it for about 50 meters with many people looking on in awe, I finally got it back. :P
Chased after two Doctors and a Master before it started to rain, unfortunately. When the rain died down, we went back indoors to get out of the wind, which was particularly strong.
Finally met up with people beside N7. These people were as follows: Shelly and Tobias!! (and Bambi, Kirby, Harry and Sam).
Shimmyed off to the Steampunk stalls and bought a few other things, as well as buying an ASDF t-Shirt. :D
Then I took them all to see ALEX FREAKING DAY (again) and when I appeared again, he remembered me and we had a small conversation. ^_^
Went off to a nearby stand to buy a Gallifrayan Crest - Seal of Rassilon necklace. :)
Walked back through, round to the Steampunk place, before Bambi decided that she wanted to get her wrist band signed by ALEX FREAKING DAY, so we went back to see him (yet again) and we had another conversation. He and I were becoming quite comfortable talking by now and stood to the side discussing things for a while. XD
Found Sam and wandered round with him whilst looking for the others. Saw Nerd and Tobias (briefly) but they went off to see another Assassins Creed thing. :P Typical.
Found the others eventually, and sat watching the cosplay show for a while. Some of the costumes were truly fantastic.
Outside, everyone bought some chocolate stuffs and we all sat on the steps, watching previews, though when the Breaking Dawn one came on, we ran away from it screaming and managed to get lots of other people to charge away from it with us. That was pretty awesome. XD
Stayed inside for small amount of time to say hi to Leah and co. But got told to find Fel so we went outside again. Said goodbye to Kirby and marveled at his height one more time, before giving him an "extreme hug" and bidding him adieu, though I shall see him on Tuesday anyways so..... :P
Charlie and I walked off trying to find Andy and people but we gave that up eventually and sat outside instead. She didn't feel too good and needed to lie down so she sent me off to find the others again. Which I did, eventually.
They had to leave shortly after that, but luckily I found Nerd at that exact moment. So we said bye to them and went in search of the Cyber Candy stall again, though he got sidetracked by an Assassins Creed section (again. :P)
Found Cyber Candy and bought some True Blood, which was truly delectable. We went outside with it and drank a bit of it. People wanted some more pictures because we just looked too awesome for our own good. ^_^
We finally met up with everyone and decided to leave. Shimmyed down to the train station and met AlexAwesomesauce on theTube. Waited for our train and chatted with him until we had to leave. He's pretty awesome. Hopefully we can meet up again some time soon.
Got on the train and prepared myself for a long journey. It didn't actually seem that long though. I walked by some guys on my way to the loo and got a few comments (both ways) because they're idiots. Meh.
Took a taxi to Charlies and then Nerd gave me a lift the rest of the way because he's truly a very awesome person. :)
I got home and unpacked what was urgently needed to be taken out, before stripping myself of the steampunk gear and replacing it with my new "I'm doing an internet!" t-Shirt. :)
I was sitting on the sofa, about to go to bed when I heard a knock at the door. SMURF!!! He actually decided to come over to see me which was a wonderful surprise. ^_^
So yeah. Stuff happened. And more stuff. And lots more stuff... XD
Still, we had a little blanket snuggle. And then he disappeareded.
And THEN I went to bed. Finally. I was knackered.
Sunday:
Woke up.
Made a pancake batter. :)
Updated a bit of my blog.
Started watching all of the recorded Russel Howards Good News'. I do love that man. :P
Made the pancakes
Watched BBT.
Generally a very lazy day. :)
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Friday, 19 October 2012
Halloween Social...
The 6th Form Social was a success. Sort of.
I was in one of my moods for the day which didn't help. They've been coming more frequently recently, and for longer periods of time. I don't like it. At all.
So anyway. Yesterday was one of them.
Le cousin came over and we watched Frankenstein whilst "tea-bagging" my bandages (her words not mine... XD)
Shelly arrived and we started getting ready. Opened the alcohol and started the drinking for the evening. Got dressed and took a few pictures before picking up The Giant One. Got to Remis', met up with people... and then..... Bam. So began the stupidity. Shelly wanted to dance and then we kissed. In front of Smurf. Because I'm an idiot. ¬_¬ Anyway, after he decided to ignore me for the evening, I decided to try and put it aside for the night, because honestly, I was having a bad enough week already and this was supposed to be something that cheered me up. So I went dancing. We did a lot of that for a very long while actually.
Eventually Shelly decided she was bored of just dancing so she grabbed the nearest willing boy and made out with him. Happened to be a topless Will P. Who knew. :P
So yeah. We pulled them apart eventually and started dancing again. Everyone left to get some drinks so Shelly and I were dragged into the middle of a group of guys to "dance with them" but Shelly didn't like them so... ya know... we kissed instead. And everyone went completely crazy about it. Luckily they only recognised Shelly (from the kiss with WP earlier) so I wasn't harassed by them later on.
Yeah. So after that long-ish shenanigan, we left to procure more alcohol, with Le Cousin. That trip was fairly uneventful, but we did have to keep Shelly from climbing up a lamppost.
When we all entered the club again, Shelly ran off immediately. We found her two minutes later, lip locked with a guy who looked about 23. We ended that pretty swiftly and dragged her back to the seats.
When people went off to dance I started to feel the effects of my bad mood which I'd been trying to fend off with other activities (like dancing and kissing and drinking and such). I couldn't block it out any longer so I took a trip to the bathroom and cried for a little while. And then did some other stuff which I'm not particularly proud of. When I had re-applied my bandages I came back out to find that no-one had missed me, which I was pleased about, so no-one suspected what I'd been doing. However, The Cousin spotted that I wasn't feeling too good about something (call it family intuition) so suggested we go out for a walk. After finding the drink, we went walking and talked for a while. I told her about the pain which had just taken place and she scolded me for it (as per usual). We discussed a few other things like why I subdued my feelings, and why I find it hard to talk to people about my moods, and what causes them but that's all a bit vague in my mind.
We eventually walked back and joined the party. (Tried to talk to Smurf but he ran off before I could say anything to him). Cleughy shot me with some vodka (literally, it was a gun with vodka in it) and then gave it to someone to fill up.
Did some more dancing - found the others and tried to talk to Smurf (again).
Shelly wanted another drink, and I got given the gun to fill up, so we went off and filled it with peach schnapps. Talked with Shelly about things and headed back to the club again.
Found people on the dance floor (Shelly and Shadbolt) and danced to Gangham Style with them. :D Another song came on and Shelly declared it turned her on, and then proceeded to bite my neck. It's my weak spot, what can I say. After that kiss I ran off to the loo's again and... well, that happened, for the second time in the night. But I only did that because I knew that what I was doing was wrong, so it was only punishment which I deserved.
Found Le Cousin and declared we should leave, so we tried to round up everyone. Smurf looked upset, but I knew he'd just ignore me so I tried to arrange our taxi with Hatter and The Giant One instead. Unfortunately, Hatter seemed adamant that we talk to one another before the night was out.
We went for a walk together. And talked a tiny bit, but it wasn't really.... talking. I was just feeling numb about doing something wrong and upsetting him again.
After that, we got in a taxi and left. Smurf texted me during that ride. I couldn't believe how much that word hurt so much. I think it hurt me more because I knew it was true, but still, after I got out, I had to be taken on a walk around the village for about an hour by The Cousin before I was calm enough to go home.
During that walk, we also talked quite a bit about feelings for people and such. I just can't help how jealous I get of Hatter. I know that you always feel some sort of attraction to an ex so... when they're together it always hits me that maybe he prefers her company to mine. I mean, every time he's upset or frustrated, he goes to her rather than me. And she always accepts that and subconsciously uses that time to get closer to him again. I just, I miss him when he goes off with her. I don't know what I'd do if he got back together with her. On top of all my other problems...
We eventually got home and went straight to bed. Well, The Cousin did. I spent a little while longer thinking about my paranoia and other.... problems that I have. I cut again. Basically. Because I do that when I over think things.
Today -
I woke up in the most terrible mood. I just didn't talk to anyone for the whole day. It made me feel more secure.
Meh.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
I was in one of my moods for the day which didn't help. They've been coming more frequently recently, and for longer periods of time. I don't like it. At all.
So anyway. Yesterday was one of them.
Le cousin came over and we watched Frankenstein whilst "tea-bagging" my bandages (her words not mine... XD)
Shelly arrived and we started getting ready. Opened the alcohol and started the drinking for the evening. Got dressed and took a few pictures before picking up The Giant One. Got to Remis', met up with people... and then..... Bam. So began the stupidity. Shelly wanted to dance and then we kissed. In front of Smurf. Because I'm an idiot. ¬_¬ Anyway, after he decided to ignore me for the evening, I decided to try and put it aside for the night, because honestly, I was having a bad enough week already and this was supposed to be something that cheered me up. So I went dancing. We did a lot of that for a very long while actually.
Eventually Shelly decided she was bored of just dancing so she grabbed the nearest willing boy and made out with him. Happened to be a topless Will P. Who knew. :P
So yeah. We pulled them apart eventually and started dancing again. Everyone left to get some drinks so Shelly and I were dragged into the middle of a group of guys to "dance with them" but Shelly didn't like them so... ya know... we kissed instead. And everyone went completely crazy about it. Luckily they only recognised Shelly (from the kiss with WP earlier) so I wasn't harassed by them later on.
Yeah. So after that long-ish shenanigan, we left to procure more alcohol, with Le Cousin. That trip was fairly uneventful, but we did have to keep Shelly from climbing up a lamppost.
When we all entered the club again, Shelly ran off immediately. We found her two minutes later, lip locked with a guy who looked about 23. We ended that pretty swiftly and dragged her back to the seats.
When people went off to dance I started to feel the effects of my bad mood which I'd been trying to fend off with other activities (like dancing and kissing and drinking and such). I couldn't block it out any longer so I took a trip to the bathroom and cried for a little while. And then did some other stuff which I'm not particularly proud of. When I had re-applied my bandages I came back out to find that no-one had missed me, which I was pleased about, so no-one suspected what I'd been doing. However, The Cousin spotted that I wasn't feeling too good about something (call it family intuition) so suggested we go out for a walk. After finding the drink, we went walking and talked for a while. I told her about the pain which had just taken place and she scolded me for it (as per usual). We discussed a few other things like why I subdued my feelings, and why I find it hard to talk to people about my moods, and what causes them but that's all a bit vague in my mind.
We eventually walked back and joined the party. (Tried to talk to Smurf but he ran off before I could say anything to him). Cleughy shot me with some vodka (literally, it was a gun with vodka in it) and then gave it to someone to fill up.
Did some more dancing - found the others and tried to talk to Smurf (again).
Shelly wanted another drink, and I got given the gun to fill up, so we went off and filled it with peach schnapps. Talked with Shelly about things and headed back to the club again.
Found people on the dance floor (Shelly and Shadbolt) and danced to Gangham Style with them. :D Another song came on and Shelly declared it turned her on, and then proceeded to bite my neck. It's my weak spot, what can I say. After that kiss I ran off to the loo's again and... well, that happened, for the second time in the night. But I only did that because I knew that what I was doing was wrong, so it was only punishment which I deserved.
Found Le Cousin and declared we should leave, so we tried to round up everyone. Smurf looked upset, but I knew he'd just ignore me so I tried to arrange our taxi with Hatter and The Giant One instead. Unfortunately, Hatter seemed adamant that we talk to one another before the night was out.
We went for a walk together. And talked a tiny bit, but it wasn't really.... talking. I was just feeling numb about doing something wrong and upsetting him again.
After that, we got in a taxi and left. Smurf texted me during that ride. I couldn't believe how much that word hurt so much. I think it hurt me more because I knew it was true, but still, after I got out, I had to be taken on a walk around the village for about an hour by The Cousin before I was calm enough to go home.
During that walk, we also talked quite a bit about feelings for people and such. I just can't help how jealous I get of Hatter. I know that you always feel some sort of attraction to an ex so... when they're together it always hits me that maybe he prefers her company to mine. I mean, every time he's upset or frustrated, he goes to her rather than me. And she always accepts that and subconsciously uses that time to get closer to him again. I just, I miss him when he goes off with her. I don't know what I'd do if he got back together with her. On top of all my other problems...
We eventually got home and went straight to bed. Well, The Cousin did. I spent a little while longer thinking about my paranoia and other.... problems that I have. I cut again. Basically. Because I do that when I over think things.
Today -
I woke up in the most terrible mood. I just didn't talk to anyone for the whole day. It made me feel more secure.
Meh.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Sunday, 14 October 2012
The past few days. :)
Thursday:
Met up with Dan after school. Went to his. Talked about cats, pandas, the council and drugs. Because we're weird like that. XD
Had to go home at 7 though so I could cook food for the men because they refused to enter the kitchen.... ¬_¬
Friday:
Got back from school on the bus because Father got stuck in a traffic jam. I got my cardboard a little damp. But oh well. Painted that. It's covered in blood again. I'm just a bit messed up aren't I? :P
I didn't really do much all evening. The football was on, so I watched that. But my phone stopped being nice to me and refused to send or receive any texts. That sucked because I got very bored very quickly. Talked to Ryan for a bit though, which was nice.
Skyped Dan and Stark til 1 in the morning, because I'm a silly person and don't think about sleep.
Found out that Stark has a girlfriend though. It's sweet. ^_^
Saturday:
I got a lie in!!! Yay.
Drove to and from work. Completed my computer course. :) nom.
Met up with Hatter and Dan in a field and walked her dog with her before dragging Dan to mine so we could make a cake. Can you believe he's never made a cake before? In fact he said he'd only cooked a handful of times in his whole life. O.o How?
Anyways. Made the cake. Had dinner and ate cake. Then we went up and chatted. For a VERY long time.
Basically, I made a huge breakthrough with finding out about what is bothering him and what makes him resort to drugs as a means of feeling better. The downside is, it took until 00:31 for that conversation to end..... yeah.... that wasn't so good. I got a bit told off for that. :/
Still. Why can't I fix everyone? :(
Sunday:
Woke up early and drove (most of the way) to Keele which I was proud about. ^_^
It is amazingly lovely. The accommodation is a bit ropey but the course and general feel of the place is wonderful. I think it might be my new first choice.... :)
Also, they have a Quidditch team....... XD YAYNESS.
Ahem. Yes. So that.
Drove back and talked with Shelly and Benjamin on skype.
Smurf picked me up and we disappeared off the the land of moving pictures (no, not the Wizdarding World unfortunately....) So yeah. Madagascar 3..... MY GOD IT IS FREAKING AMAZING!!! Too many hilarious quotes to put them all down, but I will just say.... "SONYA!"
Came out. Made out in his car by the side of one of the country roads.... Ohhhh yeah. :P I'm such a guy.
Got back to my house and just did our freaky makeout/licking/swearingateachother combination that would freak the rest of the world out :D until he had to leave. :( but yeah. Great night. Totally fantastic. ^_^ I evol him muchly and I am such a lucky person to have him. *giggles like a girl*
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Met up with Dan after school. Went to his. Talked about cats, pandas, the council and drugs. Because we're weird like that. XD
Had to go home at 7 though so I could cook food for the men because they refused to enter the kitchen.... ¬_¬
Friday:
Got back from school on the bus because Father got stuck in a traffic jam. I got my cardboard a little damp. But oh well. Painted that. It's covered in blood again. I'm just a bit messed up aren't I? :P
I didn't really do much all evening. The football was on, so I watched that. But my phone stopped being nice to me and refused to send or receive any texts. That sucked because I got very bored very quickly. Talked to Ryan for a bit though, which was nice.
Skyped Dan and Stark til 1 in the morning, because I'm a silly person and don't think about sleep.
Found out that Stark has a girlfriend though. It's sweet. ^_^
Saturday:
I got a lie in!!! Yay.
Drove to and from work. Completed my computer course. :) nom.
Met up with Hatter and Dan in a field and walked her dog with her before dragging Dan to mine so we could make a cake. Can you believe he's never made a cake before? In fact he said he'd only cooked a handful of times in his whole life. O.o How?
Anyways. Made the cake. Had dinner and ate cake. Then we went up and chatted. For a VERY long time.
Basically, I made a huge breakthrough with finding out about what is bothering him and what makes him resort to drugs as a means of feeling better. The downside is, it took until 00:31 for that conversation to end..... yeah.... that wasn't so good. I got a bit told off for that. :/
Still. Why can't I fix everyone? :(
Sunday:
Woke up early and drove (most of the way) to Keele which I was proud about. ^_^
It is amazingly lovely. The accommodation is a bit ropey but the course and general feel of the place is wonderful. I think it might be my new first choice.... :)
Also, they have a Quidditch team....... XD YAYNESS.
Ahem. Yes. So that.
Drove back and talked with Shelly and Benjamin on skype.
Smurf picked me up and we disappeared off the the land of moving pictures (no, not the Wizdarding World unfortunately....) So yeah. Madagascar 3..... MY GOD IT IS FREAKING AMAZING!!! Too many hilarious quotes to put them all down, but I will just say.... "SONYA!"
Came out. Made out in his car by the side of one of the country roads.... Ohhhh yeah. :P I'm such a guy.
Got back to my house and just did our freaky makeout/licking/swearingateachother combination that would freak the rest of the world out :D until he had to leave. :( but yeah. Great night. Totally fantastic. ^_^ I evol him muchly and I am such a lucky person to have him. *giggles like a girl*
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Thoughts. Something I haven't shared in a while.
Watched "The Confessions Of A Wall Flower"
It was... moving. And relate-able. I mean, not entirely. But elements of it were insanely similar.
Relate-able. That word I wish I couldn't use in relation to that movie.
I look back on that time and just think about all of those moments where I didn't talk about any of those problems. Letting them build up and then dispelling them in my own sick way. I wish, like in the movie, that I could blame my actions on some childhood trauma, or an influential moment in my life, but the only reason I did it was because I was confused. I didn't know what else to do to cope with what I was (or rather wasn't) feeling.
Being taught to hate what you are from a young age must have a little effect on your thought process I suppose, but not enough to excuse my stupidity.
Or maybe I wasn't stupid, and I just responded to the situations in different ways. Meh. I'll get over it. Eventually.
Maybe when I forget the thoughts and feelings throughout my "breakdown" moments.
Who knows.
Only time will tell.
Over and Out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. I will be posting previously dated material that I can't be bothered to type up right now. It will be done. I promise myself that. There are things that definitely need to be said.
It was... moving. And relate-able. I mean, not entirely. But elements of it were insanely similar.
Relate-able. That word I wish I couldn't use in relation to that movie.
I look back on that time and just think about all of those moments where I didn't talk about any of those problems. Letting them build up and then dispelling them in my own sick way. I wish, like in the movie, that I could blame my actions on some childhood trauma, or an influential moment in my life, but the only reason I did it was because I was confused. I didn't know what else to do to cope with what I was (or rather wasn't) feeling.
Being taught to hate what you are from a young age must have a little effect on your thought process I suppose, but not enough to excuse my stupidity.
Or maybe I wasn't stupid, and I just responded to the situations in different ways. Meh. I'll get over it. Eventually.
Maybe when I forget the thoughts and feelings throughout my "breakdown" moments.
Who knows.
Only time will tell.
Over and Out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. I will be posting previously dated material that I can't be bothered to type up right now. It will be done. I promise myself that. There are things that definitely need to be said.
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Conflicting feelings.
So, I need to get these ideas out of my brain.
Alices party happened on the 28th-29th of September.
On the friday I met up with Dan after school. We talked shitloads about random subjects and the brother insisted on bothering us quite a bit with his "show-and-tell" craze.... yep.
So Smurf arrived (in a freaking SMURF COSTUME, which he'd purchased a couple of days before) and Dan disappeared.
Completed my Edward Scissorhands (yes!) costume and then we set off (though not before some truly embarrassing photos, as per usual).
Arrived at Alices. Twas awesome. In a word.
Started on the Cider after stepping into the kitchen and did a bit of shimmying and photographing before people started a game of "Never Have I Ever". It was going fairly smoothly. Then people decided to pick on me which was slightly embarrassing. Meh. That game quickly moved onto truth or dare, including things like "Kiss every girl in the room!" and "Shelly, give Gloves a lapdance, that's a great idea!!!" ¬_¬ huh.
Saw some guys going upstairs looking morbid so I followed behind to see what was going on. Ended up having a small talk with Zilla and other girls about men. Venting then was quite nice. We all agreed so much that we decided to have a little girl time - all of us going into the "sofa room" at the end of the corridor and generally chatting. H was quite drunk by this time and all she did was rant about how good her boyfriend was in bed (trying to make the rest of us jealous). :P
Many girl moments followed. Someone had the good idea of making sure that everyone got at least one Hickey. Though people were complaining that I shouldn't do them so good, and that they had work the next day. XD Fun times. Uh, unbuttoned Shellys top because of the "I love your bra!" moment we had downstairs, and started raving about the bra again. We eventually thought it was mean to leave her topless on her own, so instead of giving her top back, we all decided in our drunken state of minds to take our tops off as well.... Don't ask. I left briefly to go to the loo and Hatter came with me.
We talked about a couple of subjects that couldn't be talked about sober.... though I can't remember half of the conversations, I'm sure they went okay because we're still talking to one another.
Uh. Got back. Became involved in a pileon. Ended up on top of Shelly. Yeah. She convinced me to give her a hickey. Somehow that became a small kissing session. I hardly remember it, but I'm pretty sure it happened... I think? And I feel really bad about it. I mean. It was cheating on Smurf. But at the time I couldn't bring myself to care. I really don't feeling like that though, which is why I don't want to get drunk again. It always leads to bad things happening, even if you think they're good at the time. Meh.
People decided more alcohol was needed and Shelly offered to come get some more with me. We got slightly sidetracked as we walked down the hall because this is the moment when we discovered the Fish Room. I saw the door open a little bit and got drawn in by the glowness. :P
We sat watching them for a while, waiting for more to appear and trying to desperately remember the name of the father of Nemos name. Eventually we decided that we should stop discussing deep subjects and actually retrieve the alcohol like we were meant to. Unfortunately, the last of the alcohol had been taken by Smurf, so instead we danced with everyone (including Millie) until she decided to "hang" with some guys. :P Instead, Shelly and I went back upstairs to the fish room again. Interrupted by Charlie a moment later. This eventually led to us all lying on the ground, singing the entire first half of "Welcome to the Black Parade". It was a drunken wonder to behold. :P
More talks. This time about less serious topics, though I'm sure I voiced my utter jealousy towards Hatter numerous times. I just can't help it. :/
Said goodbye to most people and then ventured downstairs once more to talk with the remaining people at the party. Some genius decided to suggest that turning off the lights was an excellent idea.
This led (somewhat oddly) to Shelly and I making out, with Smurf sitting at my feet. Gosh it was weird. But she is really quite good at it, that or I was too drunk to care. And surprisingly, watching the two of them was sortof a turn-on. So yeah. That was that. I felt terrible about it the morning after of course. But what could I do apart from apologise. God. Alcohol. ¬_¬
Went to bed shortly after that. Between Shelly and Millie because I didn't want to be on the end. :P Selfishness. I'm such a bed-hogger. XD
So this all leads me to the big question. My sexuality. What am I? Because I'm really starting to get confused about it. I want to experiment, but being in a relationship keeps me from doing that.
Recently, I've noticed that my observations of people have changed. I notice little things in girls that I used to look for in guys, and I take less and less notice of the guys around me, or at least I don't "assess the alternatives" in guys as frequently (yay psychology). It's like, the only guy I now care about sexually is my boyfriend. Which should be a good thing, so why am I worried?
What if I start going off him too? I 'm genuinely scared of my own feelings. It's a stupid thought process, but what if I end up liking girls more that guys, or go off guys all together. Where does that leave Smurf and I? I don't want that to happen. God I don't. I love him for goodness sake. But the issue stands. And I need to focus on the answer. I don't want this dragging along like the rest of my issues, because as history can tell, it's not good for me to let that happen. :/
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
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