The end.

So Jordan broke up with me. 

I can't say i was particularly surprised. I was messing him around quite a bit..... But still. I went up to his place for his birthday..... And I'd prepared this little speech saying how I wanted it to be back the way it was before, and to just forget the past few weeks. I wanted us to snuggle and watch movies and then get carried away and make out and miss half the movie anyway and not care. I wish I'd asked to speak first. Though I suppose if he'd already made up his mind then there wasn't really much my speech could have done about it. Still, it might have been nice to get it off my chest. To tell him I love him for the last time. Because I do. And probably still will for a while. 

I'm trying to take my mind off it. I think all the crying helped. And chatting with my mates too. And getting drunk. That helps. 

Ugh. I don't know. I'd like to say that I'm not devastated. But I am a bit. 

That said. I should have seen it coming. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Fuming

SO........ Here's the thing.

Jordan and I meet up and do something every two weeks. We arranged to do it from the beginning of uni but it wasn't always doable. However, in January, before anything else was arranged. We checked what we had booked in and planned it properly. And it was working. I went to his and then he came to mine etc. However, on the weekend beginning the 14th of Feb, he had to go home for an orthodontist appointment. So I said I'd go home too so we could carry on meeting up, even though I was going home the week before. I had no other reason to go home, apart from to hang out with Jordan. So yeah. Context sorted.

Now, the week before I'd been messing around and it annoyed Jordan and for the rest of the week we didn't really talk much, but I thought we could sort it out on Friday when I drove him home. Hmmm.... So he got in the car and apart from saying hi and how have things been our conversation didn't exactly bloom. So to start one off, I asked whether "he'd like to see the Lego Movie tonight" (as I was under the impression that we'd only be hanging out at either one of our houses or maybe going for dinner this evening and none of those sounded particularly interesting). However, he needed to know a time because he'd arranged to have Chinese at home tonight.... So obviously I voiced my confusion at his reply and it turned out that he'd forgotten all about meeting up and the next time we would see each other was on Sunday morning to take him back to Birmingham. Basically I was a taxi so he could save money on train tickets. Bastard.

I don't know whether I overreacted but all I know is that I drove all the way home, just to sit around until I had to take him back.... And I wasn't very amused. In fact, we had also arranged for him to come over earlier in the week but when he got upset with me he said he wasn't coming. And later on he said he wouldn't have minded coming, but he was too stubborn to say yes (he actually admitted his stubbornness was the only reason he didn't come). Though I suppose it was good he didn't come over in the end because I invited Ollie instead because I have really missed him and he was great with the kids.

So yeah, I went back at 8:30 on Saturday night. Didn't get in until 11:15 due to various roadworks etc. but it was worth it. Because 1. I didn't have to deal with an hour long journey filled with tense silence, and 2. I woke up to a very relaxed morning as I sorted my essay stuff and read before Quidditch which would otherwise have been filled with point 1.

Sometimes I get very frustrated with him. But he always convinces me its just one of the downs in the relationship and that it will get better, but to be honest, we never talk properly any more and when we do, its mostly disagreements. I'm not happy, and haven't been for a while, but he always convinces me otherwise. I know its going to happen again, and yet I'm stuck in the cycle.

Help.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAA

So not writing on here didn't last long did it?!

Fuck it.

I just need somewhere to vent and this seems like the place that I use most. So lets go.

Now my first semester of uni, though stressful was kinda alright. I made some good friends and Jordan and I were closer than ever over Christmas. I suppose that was due to me being the most stable I'd been in a long time. Still. Apart from being tired from all the revision I was (supposed to be) doing, it was going pretty well. And when I went back after Christmas things were even better. I had great nights in with people I care about and I chatted and met up with Jordan whenever I could. Surprisingly this was only like a month ago but for some reason, it feels longer, just because I cant remember when I was last genuinely happy. I know it was in January sometime, but sometime between then and now, I don't know, I just switched off. Things are boring again. Also I have a terrible memory so maybe that's got something to do with it.

I still enjoy talking to people, in fact, that's a weird thing. I just want to talk all the time. Which is new because usually when this sort of thing happens I close up an block everything out. This time though, every moment I'm awake I think about who I can talk to and how to feel good again. Sometimes just talking to people about how I'm feeling is enough to make me feel a little better, and I'm thankful for that. I suppose I'm relying on people again, like I used to back at school before all the "things" happened. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not too sure right now. Probably bad because in the long run, people let you down. But I'm glad that I'm trusting people enough to let them help me. I have Jordan to thank for that I suppose. :) He's usually a big help with these things, though lately I've been relying on twilight more. I suppose that's because he's here whenever I need him, and we can talk in person, whereas its hit and miss whether Jordan will reply or not, and when he does he's usually distracted with more important things at his end. It's much easier to feel better when someone can comfort you properly, face to face, and give you their full attention.
Saying that, I'm really conflicted about Jordan again. I know I love him. A lot. He's my best friend. But every time we're apart its like he's in the background of my life, and while I try to get conversations going (and he does too) talking is becoming... like I dunno, a struggle (at least it feels that way to me). Some of the time. And usually it ends with me being frustrated that I cant be with him, which then in turn affects how I come across in our messages (I start getting snappy and I know it annoys him). I'm just very envious of all the people who can hang out with him every day. And I know that's a very clingy/psychotic thing to be saying, but I wish he lived a little closer so we could actually chat face to face more often. Its only been two weeks, but I suppose I would have like a proper talk with him in that time. When I get all muddled up like this, I sorta need that close contact. :/

Gosh this is longer than I intended it to be.

I guess I just want to say that I'm trying to be better, but I know I'll act weird some of the time and I want to get happy again. As long as I stay trusting of people (my friends), this 'boredom' might end soon. Then again, how long will the reprieve last? Because I know I'm just going to get worse again sooner or later. Things were going way too well.

People hate people who moan so I'll stop this now and do some work.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

It's Over

So... I've decided to make this public. Finally.
Like no-one is going to read it.
But blogging has become a bore and I cba anymore.
So while I'm not posting anything, I'll let other people have a glimpse into my thoughts.
Perhaps it will help people think things through differently.
Perhaps it will disturb them.
Maybe they'll skip past because they don't care (that's gonna be the majority) but this seems like a fun idea right now so.... cool.

Maybe I'll come back one day....

Until then..... Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BOOOOORRREEEDDDD.

I'm so bored! Like.... nothing is interesting any more.
Life is just.... there.

To the point where sleeping is boring.
Being creative is boring.
Hell, even MUSIC is boring?!

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'd like it to change now.
It's getting tiring, being bored all the time.

Meh.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BQC!!! :3

I am officially part of the Quidditch team at Keele university!!! :D

Over the 8th-10th we went to the British Quidditch Cup and came 2nd (after losing to Oxford in the final)

We are 2 out of 30 teams in the country!!!

And everyone on the team is awesome. I want to make sure we're all friends for more than uni because they are honestly the nicest people I've met here so far. Twilight, Stalker and Tom especially :)

Had several spooning fests and movie nights with those three for the days following the tournament as well. I love 'em so much. <3

Also, white t-shirt parties are literally the funnest socials ever. I am still running on the high from the weekend. Can't wait for training on Sunday!!!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

University Life

So I haven't written in a while.
I don't suppose I've needed to. I've been okay. A little rocky with Jordan every now and then. We're on this not-quite-a-break thing right now. Everything will be okay though. it always is, and then I get stressed again.
I've been having my odd mood swings again which sucks quite a lot.
It just hurts.
And more people are becoming aware that there's something wrong with me. That hurts too. They will think I'm a creep if they find out much more.

In other news, I made friends at uni. Crazy right? Not that I'm good enough with many of them to say we'll be friends for more than a year. I'm not going to count on it. I'm not going to rely on it. I don't need people any more. Just the four close friends I have right now.

But yeah. I'll update a little later probably. Let you know how I'm coping.

Oh, and here's something I wrote on the back of my to-do list earlier in the week:

"If you don't notice, I'm coping successfully.
If you do, I'm not doing so well.
But I'll be okay eventually."

I dunno. I like my mind when it's all like that. It's inspirational to myself when I'm feeling crappy again.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

guess the fuck what. I don't even have a fucking clue. 

sometimes I get so mad for no reason at all. and then suddenly it's gone again. 

right now I'm calm as fuck. but I am swearing because I can do whatever the fuck I want. also fuck is very liberating. 

right now I have the fuzzy niceness of tipsy settling in. it feels wonderful. and I don't plan on stopping until I pass out in my own bed, probably grasping a bottle of rum, because right now I couldn't care what anyone else thinks, I just want to feel good. and I'm given that feeling briefly when I'm out of it.

you know that other fuzzy feeling? the bad black one that haunts the corners of your mind when you least expect it? that's there too. and it has been for a couple of days now. and the drunk fuzzy masks the dark fuzzy and I like that.

this evening, the full "heavy weight on your shoulders" feeling appeared for the first time in ages. and it wasnt nice and it made me upset. 

I don't want to be upset anymore.

over and out,

Gloves. xx

p.s. Jordan needs to calm his shit down. bitch.

Sex

Just had sex on the beach. It was awesome. 

Though sand got in my toes during the experience. 

I'm not drunk. Honest. 

Now I'm gonna listen to music and read all night. 

Gah. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Bloody Hell

Mother Nature needs to calm her shit down and stop being such a fucking bitch. Fuck this. 

Fuck my life.

FUCK! 

Turkey Day 4

So, it's Day 4 in turkey and so far I've sunbathed, had a Turkish Bath, gone out for dinner, stayed in for dinner, gone shopping, listened to a shitload of music. And today we went to the Aquapark. :) 

It was awesome. Though at points my bikini top did slip up. After a while i just didn't care anymore. A few boobs were seen today. 

Met this really awesome guy. :) He was the lifeguard for one of the best slides so after a load of goes, I went back to collect my sunglasses and top and we had a nice conversation. 

ate some candy floss and popcorn and pizza and chips and went back to the slides. There was this huge one and I went with milo because Greg was being a pussy. 

Greg then decided he wanted a go, so while they joined the queue I went back to the epic vertical/google slides. 

Had another chat with the lifeguard (who's name I cannot type at all). He's 19, in university studying..... I can't remember what, and this is his summer job. He's living in bodrom right now, but is actually from Istanbul. He likes my name and originally thought I was silly for not going on a vertical slide, but then I did and he gave me a round of applause. 

I lost the flower from my hair, but he blew his whistle to get my attention and said it was nice to meet you when I left.

It was awfully hot today as well. 

I'm gonna put on some after sun and listen to my favourite songs. 

I might Skype Jordan later, but I'm honestly not counting on him to answer. He's probably too busy drinking. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

But...

I love you, but I always feel like I'm embarrassing you and that in turn makes me question we are really meant for one another. I mean, whenever I wear something that expresses my emotions or is just odd it not normal in your eyes I never feel comfortable around you and I hate that because its just me and means I can't be myself around you because the real me embarrass you.

I love you, but I'm getting sick and tired of you asking the same question over and over again in a different format . Okay I get it, you want to have sex before uni but I can't give you that so if you want that then please go somewhere else and leave me to my old fashioned ways. Because the more I say no, the more I get scared you're gonna go behind my back and do it anyway. And I don't like those thoughts.

I love you, but I hate that I am so insecure about our relationship I can't help but think of every worst case scenario. You going off with another girl. Or guy if that's what you're into when you're drunk. And I get insanely jealous of these imaginary people and I get so mad at them and so mad at you and sometimes I give myself a time out so I can calm down and figure out which part of my thought processes are real and which ones I made up.

I love you, but I don't like feeling vulnerable. After you had pissed me off once I went and got piss drunk and high as I could with only four joints and that's a bad thing to do but it was something you hated me doing so I did it anyway and all the while we hung out I was weighing up the pros and cons of making out with her and i had a sort of epiphany. (What a joke, wild realisations when you're high.) so it was this. It doesn't make it any less wrong, or any less hurtful, or any less stupid, but thinking about Someone or making out with someone else when I'm pissed (in both senses of the word) protects my superego from getting hurt, and I convince myself it's okay, because if I don't do it first, then it will happen to me first. (And I always wonder that if I hadn't kissed Hollie that night, would you still have kissed Jenny? Becuase I want to believe you wouldn't, but a part of me thinks that it was inevitable that one of us would hurt the other like that. And it was only a matter of time. I just took the step first, which made me the bitch, rather than you. [which I think I prefer, becuase wronging you made it easier for everyone to hate me and like you more, so they stopped pretending with me and comforted you instead]). I didn't make out with her by the way. We looked at the light on the bridge and thought we were crossing through a portal into the next world like in northern lights.

I love you, but sometimes I just want to be free and be myself, and being with you somehow restricts that. (Don't ask me how. Let me get high a couple more times and ill get back to you.) wait, maybe that's it.

I love you, but you're so hypocritical it's unreal. Like, I know I am too, but that was in response to you being an absolute retard. (We still need to talk about that though. Not the depressing bits. More like how you found it, whether you knew how to take in the smoke or if you coughed or if you tripped or whited out etc. I'm curious. I bet you couldn't figure out how to take it in. Or when to stop when it got hot in the end. :P we should get high together sometines) but still. Doing it after that negative reaction, and still maintaining you wanted me to be upset and feel like shit. That's just really dickish. I won't censor when I get high now, because hiding it is hiding what I do and therefore who I am as a person. That restricts me as a person. You restrict me.

I love you, but sometimes i just get so tired of the shit that surrounds relationships. People always talk them down and whatever you do there's always some form of hurt around the corner. And even when you're the one doing the hurting, because you can't see the point of waiting to be hurt yourself, the guilt is bonec rushing.

I love you, but...

I'm done, 

Gloves. xx

Brief conversations.

my conversations with jordan are so strange sometimes. for example, today, if my mother asked me how he was it would probably go something like this....:

Mom: "How's jordan getting on? speaking to him much?"
Me: "oh yeah, alright. and yeah, almost constantly. he gets on my nerves so much. kidding. we've been talking about him removing nails from my vagina in order to have sex with my dead and mutilated corpse for the past 15 minutes."
Mom: ".......oh."

so yeah. off to turkey in an hour. fun times.

i feel really ill. like "going to be sick any moment" ill. :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Summer

So summer is upon us. and has been for quite some time i suppose,.

my hungergames party was a success. and i was proud of le cake.
we are definitely going to do it again.
kill of the event was jordan surprise attacking luke with a dagger whilst shaking for a truce..... :P ah, luke is just too trusting. ;)

Got pissed off at Jordan the other day
he can be so hypocritical sometimes!
he had a huge go at me for trying weed and made me feel shitty and so guilty about it and then what did he go and do on tuesday? Smoke it himself.
well fuck that.
i did have a good venting session though.
hollie came over and i ranted a lot and even though she didnt contribute more than asking why i was still with him if he annoyed me so much, she did allow me to just... release. i suppose it helped that she supplied the joints, on top of the alcohol i provided and we got majorly..... happy. CAKE.
The rides at the fair were ten times better. :D and the roundabout at the park when we got back to broughton seemed amazing... im not even kidding.
however, the walk home, in the dark, accross the fields, was not as fun....
im glad we did it though. i needed that release.
i have noticed ive become even more tolerant of alcohol. which is a bummer. i need that buzz.
oh dear. i just said need.
perhaps im an addict....
nah. :P

anyways. went to chris' party yesterday and almost pulled an all nighter, but got sent out when luke declared we all needed to shut up because he couldn't sleep.... :P

going away tomorrow. i just need to relax. im going to try not to go online too much and just ignore the outside world for a bit. it makes it so stressful.
especially when arguing with jordan.
actually, just talking to him in general. i want to make sure he's safe.... even if i dont show that im concerned, i really am.
as i said to hollie, i stay with him because he is my rock. he always reassures me of myself and my worth and all of that soppy shit. i just depend on him so much more than i let on. and i dont know whether thats particularly healthy or not....
i suppose i'll see by the end of july.

This was a very rough talking thing today. i kinda like not caring about capitals and spelling and punctuation and stuff.
pehaps i should do it mroe often...

over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Kieran is coming in TWO FREAKING WEEKS!!! :D :D :D

Suicide.

So.... I tried to kill myself?

Only hurt my ankle though. 

I freaked out at the last second. Grabbed a branch.

I'm not going back to that tree again.

I'm not insane. Honest.