Sooooooo, long time since I posted. I never got round to typing up all my diary entries did I? Ahhh well... I'll do it eventually. In the meantime I need to use this to vent my feelings because right now I'm really confused about everything.
Let me start from the beginning.
Now it may sound shallow and kindof "whoreish" but I'm in a bit of a predicament.
At the beginning of my Blog I mentioned that Ninja happened to like me and I sortof liked him back... Yeah well that's still going on, only there's more stuffles added to it.
After I got back I went to Soul Survivor which was awesome and everything but it didn't work out how I thought it would. Hatter spent all of her time with either Ninja or Stiffy, meaning that I spent most of my time with them (feeling left out) or without them (also feeling left out). I lost the buzz of Soul that it gave me last year whereas Hatter enjoyed every moment of it, (even when she was missing M muchly and needed to talk to him). So yeah, not the best expreience... anyways... then *consults diary* yeah well, I got back and didn't feel much better. Met up with friends a couple of times. Stark decided to declare his love for me, just as Ninja started to ask me how I felt about him (again) and I still didn't know... About either of them! D:
Skipping a bit, (and by "a bit" I mean A LOT but it's not that important and relatively boring), until RESULTS DAY arrived. Yeah.... Scary. I did ok, 2A*'s, 8A's and 2B's. Eh, I was hoping for better. Ahhhh well.
We all headed for Cleughy's house (because he was hosting this awesome party) and at the beginning it was fun. I met Ninjas puppy (who is adorkable) and stuffed my face with sweets. Unfortunately I quickly became depressed, and may or may not have cut myself whilst in the loo..... yeah. Had a good talk with The Giant One though. :) That helped a lot. I'm glad I can call him my friend. Still, Hatter was a bit mean that day, - she broke up with M, over the phone, Ninjas phone.... hmmmmm. I didn't really approve so I kept away, then again I think that made it worse because then she got upset that I wasn't comforting her. :/
Blahhhahhahhahahhaa. Lots more happened - we went back to school for one - but I cannae be arsed to go into that now because this is what I really wanted to say:
I started pushing people away, hiding in the library and the music rooms so I didn't have to talk to anybody because I didn't think I could. Everyone will think I'm a bad person if I tell them. IthinkIloveSmurf. There. I said it. I don't think I ever got over him in year 7. Instead I buried my feelings and used other relationships to hide it. But they never worked out because I could never truly kid myself that I didn't like him anymore. I can still remember exactly went on that Tuesday and then the science lesson because they always gave me hope that one day he'd like me back, and now he does... and I can't let him.
When I eventually got back to the octagon I started to talk to Smurf more. I listened to music and introduced me to some new artists which I loved. I just found out that he only talked to me to get Hatter jealous so... yeah. Then suddenly N decided to ask me out (GAH) I turned him down.... but he still likes me so.... lucky me. Stark also stopped talking to me so I supposed he was annoyed with me for turning him down too.... he still isn't talking to me... :/
Anyways, Maxwell and I started talking and became better friends (there's now a rumour going round that he likes me FML) I also became better friends with Newbie and Tobias. They're awesomely nerdy :D
Anyway back to the rant, Smurf and I started talking more and more and it got to the point where I would sit on the wall and he would come up to me and all break we would just listen to songs together.
Everything has gone to shit.
Ninja likes me.
N likes me.
Stark doesn't like me any more. (I can't decide whether this is bad or not :/ )
Yeah, so we all had a couple of get togethers and twin wasn't there for them/most of them so guess who I spent the whole time with? You guessed it - Smurf. Except when she did arrive at Le Bonfire Party, he ran off with her and had a great time. Whereas, I on the other hand had a breakdown in the dark.... Literally a breakdown. I went insane. I started screaming softly and sobbing and rocking on my knees... then ended up throwing bats at trampolines (or in the general direction of them - my eyes were blurry because of the tears). Hmmm, for the Get Together things were better, everyone had a great time, even me and at the end we watched Life of Brian - I sat on Smurf and then eventually Maxwell. It was brilliant. Then The Giant One had a birthday party. I stayed for the gaming too and ended up sitting on Smurf again. :/ I met up with L and Smurf the next day too - at the swings. They may (or may not) have noticed that I was wearing a thong...... (but it wasn't my fault because I wasn't planning on seeing anyone that day).
The next week was when everything happened. Hatter and I kept having snippets of talks and everytime I talked to her she became more strained. I could see it. She hated to see Smurf and I together but I couldn't bring myself to stop talking to him (selfish I know :/). Smurf and I kept talking and on Wednesday we talked... a lot.... it led to him telling me that he liked us both. I felt overjoyed but gutted at the same time. He kept hinting in the talks before and he kept bringing up subjects like - what would have happened if he hadn't dumped me in year 7 and the kiss in year nine and the talk in science - and I secretly hoped that he would start liking me again but then he said it and I realised that it would muck everything up. I think I still like him but now he's forbidden. Hatter is my only girlfriend who I'm really close to. Smurf and I have gotten really close recently and I think that The Giant One is one of my close friends too. Apart from that I find it hard to trust anyone. And that sucks for me. Hatter and I are so similar, thats why we're bezzies and how I can trust her - because I used to be able to trust myself, now I'm not too sure so.... that's putting a strain on our friendship, that and I'm making her jealous for talking to Smurf all the time.
I hate that people think that Hatter and I are the same person. WE ARE DIFFERENT DAMNIT!!! Some people notice that and sometimes they start to like the wrong person. I know that's not their fault but it still mucks things up. It's always us two. They place us together and start liking us both which eventually tears us apart. :/ It sucks.
A conversation Bails and I just had:
o jenni mccallum one day probs sooner than u think you wont end up loosing people honestly i had the same thing,u just need to have confidence, and besides we all make mistakes in relationships, but dont let the past get you down, the future always looks bright 
o you dont understand though. I cant afford to like him again and visaversa because jenny still likes him and it will crush her. shes my best friend. i cant do anything to hurt her so i have to get jordan to like her again. that was the whole point in be becoming better friends with him - to get them back together because it was killing jenny but now everythings gone mishmashed. and now i dont want to stop being friends with jordan but if i dont then everything will fall apart. i dont have many close friends so i need to hang onto those ive got. sorry for the rant. i'll stop bothering you now, i just needed to get something off my chest.
o jenni! relax im always around its good to let got of emotions!in all truth we have a problem here, as jordan is waiting for jenny to come begging to him as good as, and is not going out of his way for her hes lost almost all feeling for her, but if we force them together WE COULD MAKE THEM BETTER AGAIN! maybe, as part of the original plan was being with u to annoy her but its clear its more than that atm,
o he feels that jenny v doesnt like him tbh and that was part of several things leading him away from her
o well she still likes him but doesnt think he likes her so she thinks she might try to start over with him. like, breaking up totally and then become good friends again from scratch. I told her it could be a good idea so im going to hang out somewhere else for a while so they have time together. it may mean that i cant be friends with jordan anymore which i'll miss but its probably for the best anyways. jenny deserves him.
o jenni, you should stay in the group just allow me david lachlan cluffy and jenny to occupy him, and we will lead him in to her path and then disaperate to our respected females (you know who they all are) and allow what happens to happen
o i think he wants to talk to her but wants her to make the effort
o he wanted her back so much a while ago but felt she didnt want him so eventually lost interest quite recently
I just can't do it any more. I'm going mad. I'm tearing myself apart. One side of me is saying:
"Don't do it, you love him, and you've been waiting so long for him to like you back. Don't give up when you're so close." and the other side is tugging at my hair and reminding me:
"But what about Hatter. She's the only close friend you have left, you pushed the others away. If you don't do this you will lose her and may never get her back."
"Yeah but what about Smurf? He likes you, he'll be heart broken and may never talk to you again."
"That's a risk I'm going to have to take. Besides, you're just torturing yourself talking to him anyway. You'll never be together."
"Well he likes me now, he said so, maybe even more than he likes Hatter. They may never work out anyway - it's most likely they won't - and then you'll regret it won't you. Such an idiot sometimes."
"Well you're not too bright either are you? Letting yourself get that close to him in the first place. You should have listened to Hatter and left them alone to begin with. She was dealing with it."
"No she wasn't, she was ignoring the problem, blaming the fact that they weren't together any more on other people, namely me! I had to do something to take the blame from me, and to get them back together of course."
"You're so selfish! All you care about is what YOU want and no-one else. You're worthless and don't deserve to live."
"I know, I've thought about that enough times haven't I. You know that. After the cutting we were contemplating suicide..."
"But you were too weak to do it, and you realised that it was selfish anyway, the only selfless thing you've done all week."
"Well maybe I should think about doing it again. It would take all of this away, and it would leave the path open for Hatter and Smurf to get together. They'd be happy and I wouldn't have to be miserable watching them because that's what I was. Miserable."
"I know, you ranted about it constantly, you blamed the L breakup thing on 'Lack of Communication' but it was just you getting jealous of Hatter and Smurf again wasn't it."
"YES! OK! I STILL LOVED HIM! Seeing him with Hatter was the hardest thing I have ever been through but I coped, okay?! Better than what you did."
"I thought rationally. Covered up the feelings so that you didn't have to whine the whole however-many-months you stayed with him after you realised you wanted to take back your agreement to Hatter going out with Smurf."
"Well theoretically she did say that I could have him when she broke up with him..."
"Don't even think about that, it'll only get your hopes up again."
"Fine! I can't be bothered to talk to you any more!"
"Neither can I, just try not to do anything idiotic this coming week, although no doubt you and then you'll need ME to clean up the mess."
"I've got you out of loads of trouble before."
"Oh yeah, but telling Chris was a great move was it?! Now I've got to go and fix up that little problem and make sure he tells Smurf to forget about us in person because YOU chickened out of telling him to over Facebook. Moron."
"Fuck off. I didn't chicken out, I thought it would be better to explain it face to face so he understood."
"Or you were just stalling so you could be friends with Smurf a little longer instead of letting him get on with his life. It's not like you're going to be friends after school anyway."
"How would you know? It's not like you can see into the future. We could get together in a years time."
"I thought you were thinking about suicide a moment ago, now you're planning ahead?"
"I was just suggesting that it could happen."
"No it couldn't! He's either getting with Hatter or no-one at all. You don't deserve him whatever. You're selfish and manipulative and can't be trusted. You're talking to yourself for gods sake! You're mad!"
"Psycho!"
"Crazy!"
"Mad!"
"Bitch!"
"You're pathetic. insulting yourself instead of sorting out your problem. Forget boys, focus on your school work. You have an essay due."
"You don't think I fucking know that? I can't do it okay? I can't deal with the work but I have to try because Daddy expects me to get full marks."
"Stop trying to blame it on school or Dad. You know it's your fault. You've been too busy chasing after boys that you have no chance of getting with."
"Shut up! I know I have no chance with him but it doesn't mean I can't fantasise for a little while does it?"
"I wasn't just talking about Smurf. It's the others too."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes you do. You want everyone to love you. You're hungry for attention. You feed off their suffering, stringing them along before dropping them like rubbish."
"For god-sake! I just didn't want to lose my friendship with them. It had nothing to do with them liking me or not."
"What about Stark then?"
"What about him?"
"Well he used to like you but you didn't realise how much you liked him until he stopped. When will you learn? You have to act now. Choose one or you'll be alone forever."
"I'm probably going to be alone forever anyway, what's wanting people to like me now when in a few years time I lose them all to insanity? I deserve some company now to remember."
"Well if you accept full responsibility for what you do then I'm not going to stop you but just remember: If you do this you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, otherwise you're just using them for company. Don't waste your time with them. Stay friends and confide in them, cherish their love... apart from Smurf. Stay away from him or there'll be trouble.You'll be known as a whore for the rest of your life..."
"I'm already a whore - you've called me one everyday for as long as I can remember. It's drilled into my mind, slowly suffocating me. I despise you."
"Well remember this: You're worthless, a worthless bitch and a selfish whore."
"I hate myself."
"And so you should. Go cry yourself to sleep and dream about the memories with Smurf because you won't be talking to him much longer. And whatever you do, don't back down. You can't wimp out of pushing him away or you won't have a Twin to be with any more. Have a nice night."
Yeah, that's how insane I am now. And I'm scared. Really scared. :/
I think that's all I have to say now so.... Yeah. I'll start keeping you updated on how I feel about things when I get time.
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
P.S. I've been having these crazy dreams about Smurf and I being together but whatever. Just thought you ought to know.
but I didn't want that to come between us so I hid it. When you and Jordan were going out I was so jealous of him because I knew I would never ever have anything like that with you. Ever. I started pushing you away because I realised that I couldn't carry on with the way I was feeling and I thought the only way to sort it out was to stop seeing you as much for a while.