The rentals dragged me over to le grandparents house where I set up my amp, guitar and laptop and proceeded to learn and play tunes for the rest of the evening, stopping only for dinner.
And then, I started a conversation with Smurf. Everything was going well, until we started to discuss resolutions. (Mine by the way are: 1. To stop cutting. 2. To concentrate more on work. )
Smurf informed me that his was:
Leave both of you alone, i have messed you both up
Start afreah
As of midnight
So yeah, I was pretty upset. I stopped talking to him after that. I just felt so broken :/
Then at midnight, he called me, completely disregarding his earlier comment and we had quite a nice conversation actually, even if he was a little drunk :P
Ninja called me too which was cool and The Husband left me a voicemail saying he'd called me 20 times because he was also a little tipsy.
So New Years was good overall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fuck my life.
Apparently I'm pathetic and do nothing in life. Well great. Maybe I should just give up now then. I could just end it, then we'd see what she thinks then.
All she ever does is moan at me about everything I do, even if I cant help doing something wrong. I try my best to impress her and live up to her standards but it's never good enough.
And then, when she hurls abuse at me I run up to my room and cry about everything that's wrong in my life, hoping that it will make me feel better, but the only thing that does is cutting, and I've promised myself to stop that.
I just wish I could tell her about my problems but she doesn't understand me, and she'd probably just brush them off and pretend that they're not happening anyway. Because everything has to be perfect, my appearance, my personality, everything is controlled by her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16/ 01/ 2012
One of the Best and Worst days of my life.
One of the best because Smurf and I get really close and it was the best 3 hours of my life. :)
One of the worst because Twin posted on her blog :'( and she said all of her thoughts about me. And it hurt me so much, because I didn't realise how much she hated me.
- Jenny.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you I've pushed you away, and still am. I'm sorry for not being there for you when you need it, even though you're always here for me. I'm sorry I don't tell you things, though you probably won't want to hear them.
The truth is. God this is hard.
The real truth, is that I only just got over you.
I loved you so much more than a friend for ages, while I was dating Lachs as well but I didn't want that to come between us so I hid it. When you and Jordan were going out I was so jealous of him because I knew I would never ever have anything like that with you. Ever. I started pushing you away because I realised that I couldn't carry on with the way I was feeling and I thought the only way to sort it out was to stop seeing you as much for a while.
You are my best friend and I truly love you, more like a sister than anything else now.
I'm sorry I didn't talk with you about it before. Believe me I've tried, but I thought it was better that you didn't really know about it.
Jordan, Chris and Cleugh have been helping me sort everything out again, even if they didn't know it, and they are the best guys I've ever been friends with. I know you hate that I'm with Jordan a lot but I know that if I don't talk with him about my problems I'll start cutting again or do something worse that I'll regret. They are the ones that have really pulled me out of the pit I was in, just like Will did for you.
I know you probably hate me now, and I don't blame you. I hate myself. But just know that I will always love you. Because you are the one who has always been here for me and I am so greatful for that. You are always thinking about others before yourself when you really shouldnt, especially when "others" includes me.
I just hope now that you realise just how much you mean to me. I would really do anything for you, anything, even die. And I know it sounds really cliche but I've talked with you about this sort of thing before and you know I might not even do that for my parents, as horrible as that sounds.
Sorry about this. I just... I needed to say something because someone showed me your post and I felt so bad that I hadn't told you how I felt and why I pushed you away for so long. But I'm over you now, I think, and even if I'm not, you're still my sister and I miss you. So so much. If you don't want to be my twin anymore then I'll understand. But you're the best friend that I've ever had and probably ever will have.
Just remember, I love you.
P.s. good luck in your exam tomorrow. I know you'll ace it. xxx
but I didn't want that to come between us so I hid it. When you and Jordan were going out I was so jealous of him because I knew I would never ever have anything like that with you. Ever. I started pushing you away because I realised that I couldn't carry on with the way I was feeling and I thought the only way to sort it out was to stop seeing you as much for a while.Twin. Darling twin.
Firstly: The post was a rant that I wrote a few days a go and got tired of seeing in my unpublished posts list. As I said in the post, it was 'a ridiculous enraged splurge that concerns no one but myself.
Sorry.
I just had to get it out.'
I already knew that you loved me more than a friend. Someone told me. I was kind of shocked at first, but then I remembered when I said when you first 'came out' to me... I promised that I would think no differently of you if you ever liked me. I promised to always be honest about my feelings towards you. I also promised that if you did ever like me, I would continue to care for you and love you just the same, and give you as much as I could without causing more pain than good. I promised I wouldn't mind - its really technically a compliment
You know what will shock you? Especially given my very much straightness. I thought about it more. Y'know. Whether I could be slightly less ... straight. For you. Turns out I can't. Apparently I just heart penis too much Well. Abs. And ... yeah. I love men. Too much. Dickwads -.- Women are beautiful, stunning, perfect creations, but I couldn't bring myself to feel more than respect for that fact. I couldn't feel more than that. I adore you. And you are so attractive. If I was bi or whatever, I would fall at your feet like all the guys do. But I'm not.
So despite being fine with your feelings towards me, I got frustrated because this was something that I could do nothing to remedy.
I wish you hadn't felt like that We drifted so far apart. I hope we can be as close as we were. But we have been struggling.
I don't hate that you are with him a lot. I hate how much it hurts to have to see what I can never really have with either you, happen right in front of everyday. I've lost him forever, and that breaks my heart. But I've lost the closeness with you too, and that hurts like hell. I completely get that you need him. I'd be a hypocrite not to understand. I just wish it wasn't in my face. The main reason I'm always in music is so Jordan doesn't see how much I need 'my boys' Without Will, Lachlan and my other lovelies, I can't cope. But I know that hurts Jordan. So I hide it away from him.
I could never hate you. Sure, I will admit you can piss me off like well... yeah... sometimes. There's no point lying about that. But you are my sister... Being near my Dad makes me want to scream, but he is my father and Imogen is my sister. She is the most annoying child I have ever met, but I wouldn't change her for anything. I love her to bits. If I don't hurt at least a little for her, what kind of sister can I be? The same applies to you. Why do you think I've put up with Greg all these years? For you. Cause I love you, twin. I could never hate you. It kills me that you hate yourself. I was raised like that: Always be grateful, always love, always care. Admittedly, mum did try to shove some put yourself first in there, but I can't. Apparently God doesn't want me like that. But that's okay. Technically, I just believe in love, and the kingdom of love. But God = love according to the bible, so lets call it God.
You mean so much to me too.
I miss you too. I just...
There are silences where there used to be laughter, and frowns where there used to be grins. I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to be.
I guess the answer is I should be your twin.
Just don't know how.
You're my twin, end of.
I love you too.
To be honest, I think half my problem is jealousy. I envy you more than you could believe. You have so much I have always wanted. I've never been able to rid my desire for a proper family. Fuck. I'm blubbing. See? I so wish I had my dad. I wish I had my brothers here. I break without my brothers. I wish all of my family cared about each other. And then people like you and the Dobsons arrive with your perfect families - loving parents, two kids. One daughter, one son. Two years between kids. Family meals. Family holidays. Family smiles. My parents split when I was three... I know what it means to be a proper family. I don't know how it feels. How does it feel to have a father who loves you all? Parents who can be in the same room? Your brother at your side? I wish I could know.
And so I just get so... angry! You have it all! Money, functional family at home, good grades, beauty, amazing talents, normal happy childhood, guys falling at your feet... But you barely know what you have. I watch you fight Greg and honestly... I just don't get it. It does not compute. I would give anything to see my brothers everyday. Anything. In reality, I know everything would be different and we'd all feel different if I had my wishes. But I can't help it. And I know your life isn't perfect. If it was you wouldn't be unhappy. It's just... in comparison, your life looks so much easier I guess. No dickish father, no far away brothers, no suffering mother.
So yeah. Truth is I'm insanely jealous of you, and that makes this shit harder cause I get angry easily.
I love you so much.
Your my twin, my best friend.
I'm sorry I get jealous of you. I'm sorry I get angry. I shouldn't. So I'm sorry. It means I react badly to things like this really quickly.
ANYWAY. Gist of this billion word reply:
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm love you too.
Good luck. You'll be awesome. You always are.
xx
Firstly: The post was a rant that I wrote a few days a go and got tired of seeing in my unpublished posts list. As I said in the post, it was 'a ridiculous enraged splurge that concerns no one but myself.
Sorry.
I just had to get it out.'
I already knew that you loved me more than a friend. Someone told me. I was kind of shocked at first, but then I remembered when I said when you first 'came out' to me... I promised that I would think no differently of you if you ever liked me. I promised to always be honest about my feelings towards you. I also promised that if you did ever like me, I would continue to care for you and love you just the same, and give you as much as I could without causing more pain than good. I promised I wouldn't mind - its really technically a compliment
You know what will shock you? Especially given my very much straightness. I thought about it more. Y'know. Whether I could be slightly less ... straight. For you. Turns out I can't. Apparently I just heart penis too much Well. Abs. And ... yeah. I love men. Too much. Dickwads -.- Women are beautiful, stunning, perfect creations, but I couldn't bring myself to feel more than respect for that fact. I couldn't feel more than that. I adore you. And you are so attractive. If I was bi or whatever, I would fall at your feet like all the guys do. But I'm not.
So despite being fine with your feelings towards me, I got frustrated because this was something that I could do nothing to remedy.
I wish you hadn't felt like that We drifted so far apart. I hope we can be as close as we were. But we have been struggling.
I don't hate that you are with him a lot. I hate how much it hurts to have to see what I can never really have with either you, happen right in front of everyday. I've lost him forever, and that breaks my heart. But I've lost the closeness with you too, and that hurts like hell. I completely get that you need him. I'd be a hypocrite not to understand. I just wish it wasn't in my face. The main reason I'm always in music is so Jordan doesn't see how much I need 'my boys' Without Will, Lachlan and my other lovelies, I can't cope. But I know that hurts Jordan. So I hide it away from him.
I could never hate you. Sure, I will admit you can piss me off like well... yeah... sometimes. There's no point lying about that. But you are my sister... Being near my Dad makes me want to scream, but he is my father and Imogen is my sister. She is the most annoying child I have ever met, but I wouldn't change her for anything. I love her to bits. If I don't hurt at least a little for her, what kind of sister can I be? The same applies to you. Why do you think I've put up with Greg all these years? For you. Cause I love you, twin. I could never hate you. It kills me that you hate yourself. I was raised like that: Always be grateful, always love, always care. Admittedly, mum did try to shove some put yourself first in there, but I can't. Apparently God doesn't want me like that. But that's okay. Technically, I just believe in love, and the kingdom of love. But God = love according to the bible, so lets call it God.
You mean so much to me too.
I miss you too. I just...
There are silences where there used to be laughter, and frowns where there used to be grins. I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to be.
I guess the answer is I should be your twin.
Just don't know how.
You're my twin, end of.
I love you too.
To be honest, I think half my problem is jealousy. I envy you more than you could believe. You have so much I have always wanted. I've never been able to rid my desire for a proper family. Fuck. I'm blubbing. See? I so wish I had my dad. I wish I had my brothers here. I break without my brothers. I wish all of my family cared about each other. And then people like you and the Dobsons arrive with your perfect families - loving parents, two kids. One daughter, one son. Two years between kids. Family meals. Family holidays. Family smiles. My parents split when I was three... I know what it means to be a proper family. I don't know how it feels. How does it feel to have a father who loves you all? Parents who can be in the same room? Your brother at your side? I wish I could know.
And so I just get so... angry! You have it all! Money, functional family at home, good grades, beauty, amazing talents, normal happy childhood, guys falling at your feet... But you barely know what you have. I watch you fight Greg and honestly... I just don't get it. It does not compute. I would give anything to see my brothers everyday. Anything. In reality, I know everything would be different and we'd all feel different if I had my wishes. But I can't help it. And I know your life isn't perfect. If it was you wouldn't be unhappy. It's just... in comparison, your life looks so much easier I guess. No dickish father, no far away brothers, no suffering mother.
So yeah. Truth is I'm insanely jealous of you, and that makes this shit harder cause I get angry easily.
I love you so much.
Your my twin, my best friend.
I'm sorry I get jealous of you. I'm sorry I get angry. I shouldn't. So I'm sorry. It means I react badly to things like this really quickly.
ANYWAY. Gist of this billion word reply:
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm love you too.
Good luck. You'll be awesome. You always are.
xx
So yes.... The thing is. She said that I should just ignore it... but how the hell can I?! She basically said everything shes ever thought about me and then expects me to forget that she's bitched about me in the worst possible way. This caused me to slip up. My resolution didn't even last a month. Fuck that.
And yes, she says that my family life is better than hers, but is it really? I rarely talk to my parents, and when I do, it's usually about my work and keeping everything tidy. Same goes for my brother, and she knows how he is - his annoyance paired with my quick temper just gets to both of us, so we avoid each other too. My house is filled with awkward silences and loud arguments and it gets to me so much. I just sit in my room and cry for hours and hours and think about everything that has ever gone wrong. When no-one is with me in the house, I scream too, I just want to find a better release for the hurt. But there really is one way that helps. :/ I hate that so badly. I just... every time I think about it, I consider the alternative, doing it for the last time. But I never go through with it, because I know that even though they are few, a couple of my friends would be upset. If it wasn't for them, I would have been gone by now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19/01/2012
I had a chat with Hatter today. She told me she wants to think about whether she wants to go to France with me or not. God. Every time I think about her right now I just break down in tears. I think I have cried more during this past week than any other period in my life. She just said she needs to think things through, because apparently, I'm not the only problem -_-
Maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps X was right - I depended way too much on her and now that she has found someone else to depend on, she doesn't need me any more. I'm just a spare part.
I don't know what to do any more. Should I carry on trying to fix it or just give up all together? I don't even know. Perhaps I should try to find a new way to cope. Perhaps I should just run away for a while, maybe a day or two? A weekend? Just to cool off....
Over and out,
Gloves. xx
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