It's Over

So... I've decided to make this public. Finally.
Like no-one is going to read it.
But blogging has become a bore and I cba anymore.
So while I'm not posting anything, I'll let other people have a glimpse into my thoughts.
Perhaps it will help people think things through differently.
Perhaps it will disturb them.
Maybe they'll skip past because they don't care (that's gonna be the majority) but this seems like a fun idea right now so.... cool.

Maybe I'll come back one day....

Until then..... Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BOOOOORRREEEDDDD.

I'm so bored! Like.... nothing is interesting any more.
Life is just.... there.

To the point where sleeping is boring.
Being creative is boring.
Hell, even MUSIC is boring?!

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'd like it to change now.
It's getting tiring, being bored all the time.

Meh.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

BQC!!! :3

I am officially part of the Quidditch team at Keele university!!! :D

Over the 8th-10th we went to the British Quidditch Cup and came 2nd (after losing to Oxford in the final)

We are 2 out of 30 teams in the country!!!

And everyone on the team is awesome. I want to make sure we're all friends for more than uni because they are honestly the nicest people I've met here so far. Twilight, Stalker and Tom especially :)

Had several spooning fests and movie nights with those three for the days following the tournament as well. I love 'em so much. <3

Also, white t-shirt parties are literally the funnest socials ever. I am still running on the high from the weekend. Can't wait for training on Sunday!!!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

University Life

So I haven't written in a while.
I don't suppose I've needed to. I've been okay. A little rocky with Jordan every now and then. We're on this not-quite-a-break thing right now. Everything will be okay though. it always is, and then I get stressed again.
I've been having my odd mood swings again which sucks quite a lot.
It just hurts.
And more people are becoming aware that there's something wrong with me. That hurts too. They will think I'm a creep if they find out much more.

In other news, I made friends at uni. Crazy right? Not that I'm good enough with many of them to say we'll be friends for more than a year. I'm not going to count on it. I'm not going to rely on it. I don't need people any more. Just the four close friends I have right now.

But yeah. I'll update a little later probably. Let you know how I'm coping.

Oh, and here's something I wrote on the back of my to-do list earlier in the week:

"If you don't notice, I'm coping successfully.
If you do, I'm not doing so well.
But I'll be okay eventually."

I dunno. I like my mind when it's all like that. It's inspirational to myself when I'm feeling crappy again.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

guess the fuck what. I don't even have a fucking clue. 

sometimes I get so mad for no reason at all. and then suddenly it's gone again. 

right now I'm calm as fuck. but I am swearing because I can do whatever the fuck I want. also fuck is very liberating. 

right now I have the fuzzy niceness of tipsy settling in. it feels wonderful. and I don't plan on stopping until I pass out in my own bed, probably grasping a bottle of rum, because right now I couldn't care what anyone else thinks, I just want to feel good. and I'm given that feeling briefly when I'm out of it.

you know that other fuzzy feeling? the bad black one that haunts the corners of your mind when you least expect it? that's there too. and it has been for a couple of days now. and the drunk fuzzy masks the dark fuzzy and I like that.

this evening, the full "heavy weight on your shoulders" feeling appeared for the first time in ages. and it wasnt nice and it made me upset. 

I don't want to be upset anymore.

over and out,

Gloves. xx

p.s. Jordan needs to calm his shit down. bitch.

Sex

Just had sex on the beach. It was awesome. 

Though sand got in my toes during the experience. 

I'm not drunk. Honest. 

Now I'm gonna listen to music and read all night. 

Gah. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Bloody Hell

Mother Nature needs to calm her shit down and stop being such a fucking bitch. Fuck this. 

Fuck my life.

FUCK! 

Turkey Day 4

So, it's Day 4 in turkey and so far I've sunbathed, had a Turkish Bath, gone out for dinner, stayed in for dinner, gone shopping, listened to a shitload of music. And today we went to the Aquapark. :) 

It was awesome. Though at points my bikini top did slip up. After a while i just didn't care anymore. A few boobs were seen today. 

Met this really awesome guy. :) He was the lifeguard for one of the best slides so after a load of goes, I went back to collect my sunglasses and top and we had a nice conversation. 

ate some candy floss and popcorn and pizza and chips and went back to the slides. There was this huge one and I went with milo because Greg was being a pussy. 

Greg then decided he wanted a go, so while they joined the queue I went back to the epic vertical/google slides. 

Had another chat with the lifeguard (who's name I cannot type at all). He's 19, in university studying..... I can't remember what, and this is his summer job. He's living in bodrom right now, but is actually from Istanbul. He likes my name and originally thought I was silly for not going on a vertical slide, but then I did and he gave me a round of applause. 

I lost the flower from my hair, but he blew his whistle to get my attention and said it was nice to meet you when I left.

It was awfully hot today as well. 

I'm gonna put on some after sun and listen to my favourite songs. 

I might Skype Jordan later, but I'm honestly not counting on him to answer. He's probably too busy drinking. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

But...

I love you, but I always feel like I'm embarrassing you and that in turn makes me question we are really meant for one another. I mean, whenever I wear something that expresses my emotions or is just odd it not normal in your eyes I never feel comfortable around you and I hate that because its just me and means I can't be myself around you because the real me embarrass you.

I love you, but I'm getting sick and tired of you asking the same question over and over again in a different format . Okay I get it, you want to have sex before uni but I can't give you that so if you want that then please go somewhere else and leave me to my old fashioned ways. Because the more I say no, the more I get scared you're gonna go behind my back and do it anyway. And I don't like those thoughts.

I love you, but I hate that I am so insecure about our relationship I can't help but think of every worst case scenario. You going off with another girl. Or guy if that's what you're into when you're drunk. And I get insanely jealous of these imaginary people and I get so mad at them and so mad at you and sometimes I give myself a time out so I can calm down and figure out which part of my thought processes are real and which ones I made up.

I love you, but I don't like feeling vulnerable. After you had pissed me off once I went and got piss drunk and high as I could with only four joints and that's a bad thing to do but it was something you hated me doing so I did it anyway and all the while we hung out I was weighing up the pros and cons of making out with her and i had a sort of epiphany. (What a joke, wild realisations when you're high.) so it was this. It doesn't make it any less wrong, or any less hurtful, or any less stupid, but thinking about Someone or making out with someone else when I'm pissed (in both senses of the word) protects my superego from getting hurt, and I convince myself it's okay, because if I don't do it first, then it will happen to me first. (And I always wonder that if I hadn't kissed Hollie that night, would you still have kissed Jenny? Becuase I want to believe you wouldn't, but a part of me thinks that it was inevitable that one of us would hurt the other like that. And it was only a matter of time. I just took the step first, which made me the bitch, rather than you. [which I think I prefer, becuase wronging you made it easier for everyone to hate me and like you more, so they stopped pretending with me and comforted you instead]). I didn't make out with her by the way. We looked at the light on the bridge and thought we were crossing through a portal into the next world like in northern lights.

I love you, but sometimes I just want to be free and be myself, and being with you somehow restricts that. (Don't ask me how. Let me get high a couple more times and ill get back to you.) wait, maybe that's it.

I love you, but you're so hypocritical it's unreal. Like, I know I am too, but that was in response to you being an absolute retard. (We still need to talk about that though. Not the depressing bits. More like how you found it, whether you knew how to take in the smoke or if you coughed or if you tripped or whited out etc. I'm curious. I bet you couldn't figure out how to take it in. Or when to stop when it got hot in the end. :P we should get high together sometines) but still. Doing it after that negative reaction, and still maintaining you wanted me to be upset and feel like shit. That's just really dickish. I won't censor when I get high now, because hiding it is hiding what I do and therefore who I am as a person. That restricts me as a person. You restrict me.

I love you, but sometimes i just get so tired of the shit that surrounds relationships. People always talk them down and whatever you do there's always some form of hurt around the corner. And even when you're the one doing the hurting, because you can't see the point of waiting to be hurt yourself, the guilt is bonec rushing.

I love you, but...

I'm done, 

Gloves. xx

Brief conversations.

my conversations with jordan are so strange sometimes. for example, today, if my mother asked me how he was it would probably go something like this....:

Mom: "How's jordan getting on? speaking to him much?"
Me: "oh yeah, alright. and yeah, almost constantly. he gets on my nerves so much. kidding. we've been talking about him removing nails from my vagina in order to have sex with my dead and mutilated corpse for the past 15 minutes."
Mom: ".......oh."

so yeah. off to turkey in an hour. fun times.

i feel really ill. like "going to be sick any moment" ill. :/

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Summer

So summer is upon us. and has been for quite some time i suppose,.

my hungergames party was a success. and i was proud of le cake.
we are definitely going to do it again.
kill of the event was jordan surprise attacking luke with a dagger whilst shaking for a truce..... :P ah, luke is just too trusting. ;)

Got pissed off at Jordan the other day
he can be so hypocritical sometimes!
he had a huge go at me for trying weed and made me feel shitty and so guilty about it and then what did he go and do on tuesday? Smoke it himself.
well fuck that.
i did have a good venting session though.
hollie came over and i ranted a lot and even though she didnt contribute more than asking why i was still with him if he annoyed me so much, she did allow me to just... release. i suppose it helped that she supplied the joints, on top of the alcohol i provided and we got majorly..... happy. CAKE.
The rides at the fair were ten times better. :D and the roundabout at the park when we got back to broughton seemed amazing... im not even kidding.
however, the walk home, in the dark, accross the fields, was not as fun....
im glad we did it though. i needed that release.
i have noticed ive become even more tolerant of alcohol. which is a bummer. i need that buzz.
oh dear. i just said need.
perhaps im an addict....
nah. :P

anyways. went to chris' party yesterday and almost pulled an all nighter, but got sent out when luke declared we all needed to shut up because he couldn't sleep.... :P

going away tomorrow. i just need to relax. im going to try not to go online too much and just ignore the outside world for a bit. it makes it so stressful.
especially when arguing with jordan.
actually, just talking to him in general. i want to make sure he's safe.... even if i dont show that im concerned, i really am.
as i said to hollie, i stay with him because he is my rock. he always reassures me of myself and my worth and all of that soppy shit. i just depend on him so much more than i let on. and i dont know whether thats particularly healthy or not....
i suppose i'll see by the end of july.

This was a very rough talking thing today. i kinda like not caring about capitals and spelling and punctuation and stuff.
pehaps i should do it mroe often...

over and out,

Gloves. xx

P.S. Kieran is coming in TWO FREAKING WEEKS!!! :D :D :D

Suicide.

So.... I tried to kill myself?

Only hurt my ankle though. 

I freaked out at the last second. Grabbed a branch.

I'm not going back to that tree again.

I'm not insane. Honest.

A letter.

Dear Jordan,

I can't say much to you. It's very difficult for me to say anything serious. I suppose that's due to me failing to trust most people.

I always feel pushed to the back. Never the centre of attention for long. And i never feel very important to people. But it seems that you make me feel like that all the time. It makes me smile, that you can make me feel loved without even trying. But at the same time I can't help thinking, how important am I to you?

I'd love to know your personal opinions. About the world around you as well as me. But we never talk about personal things, and you never blog, so I don't get the same opportunity that you did to "see into my mind".

I tell you loads of things, which I'd be scared to admit to anyone else I know. Like my nightmare. Or the things which I used to think. Usually you just laugh at me like you don't believe it, or disregard the statement because you don't care or don't know what to say or how to reassure me.
You called me crazy today. I cried quite a lot, because I think I really am sometimes. And I hate that I'm different like that.

We talked about July again recently. 

I want to give you as much freedom on your holiday as possible, because I know that restriction leads to unhappiness. And so does guilt, if something did happen... 

So if I give you a "Hall pass" you can go out with your mates and have a good time without me looming over you. I don't think I'd care that much about you doing things. 

However, I'm scared shitless. What if you meet someone out there who's so much better than me. I can't help but feel like I'd be compared when you came back. And yeah, sex would bug me, but not for the reasons you'd think. What if you wanted it more when you came back. The pressure would really get to me. It gets to me now, but I don't want to be pressured into losing my virginity. I'd hate myself for years after if that happened. And I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, you're not like that, but still. I wonder. 
I hate not knowing as well. I'm going to be worrying the whole month, like a overprotective and clingy girlfriend. And I won't even be able to contact you. So I'll worry even more.

I hate it when you get drunk. You say things and do things which bug me. You're more blunt, more yourself. You actually say what you mean, and it upsets me. Even if it is the truth.
I worry about not satisfying you, to the point where you'll leave me. That insecurity is definitely going to increase when you come back as well.

I feel like we're falling apart, and trying not to mention it to one another. Trying to prove to ourselves that we can last til uni. But what if i want it to last longer than that? We need to fix these insecurities if we want to last. We can't avoid them forever.

When is that going to be Jordan? Because I just don't know what to do anymore....

Recent Events

So, exam leave,
Prom,
Jordan,
Jenny.

In that order.

Exam leave began on Friday. It's a scary thought that I may not even be going back to school after August. I can't say that I'm sad to leave though. There are so many memories there that I'd rather just move on from, that its not worth feeling sad over. What I will miss though, is the security. If I go to university, I know the newness of it all is really going to overwhelm me. School is like a very good structure for me, and I've had 7 years to get used to it.... So.... Yeah, it's going to be different, and may even be unpleasant at first, but I suppose I've got to give it a try.
Saying that, I can't wait to get away from home. I think something other than this house and these people ("friends" included) will be good for me.

So prom. The 24th of May. I can say I really wasn't looking forward to it at all. If it wasn't for Jordan I definitely would have chickened out at the last minute, because I knew that the other girls would make it difficult for me to enjoy myself. Some of them unintentionally, but others just too obviously, and I don't want to name names, but Cheryl really needs to get her shit together and think about the impact of her actions.
But it went surprisingly well.

[details of prom to go here when I can be arsed]


Then there's the whole Jordan situation. Recently I've been feeing very self conscious around him, and when he's around other girls, especially Hannah and Jenny. I'm trying to get over it, but it's hard when my eyes are betraying my mind. And then my mind starts betraying my logic. It's silly, I know, but there it is.
That said, I'm feeling a lot better. During the last week leading up to prom I wanted to ignore him. I just couldn't bear being around him, and I don't really understand why. It's like I felt suffocated by everyone at the bench, and his comforting made it worse. So that happened. I got a good unicycling practice out of it though. Not much revision, even though that's what I said I was doing. Meh. It happened. I'm over it. I'm going to try to be a better girlfriend. I'm being as selfish as Cheryl is, and that just isn't right.

On the day after prom I helped out at Jenny C's wedding with the Hogg's and Hollie. Which was fun. We had a lot to do though. And I had a little period accident. :/ it wasn't particularly pleasant. But chris was good about it. Talked with Jordan on the phone that evening too. I like calling him. It's nicer than texting. We're going to have to do a lot of it at uni though...

Sunday I spent revising. And then at 6 I went to Milly's for a movie night. Though it didn't start til later because all three of us went to pick Stark up from the bus station and he was late. We did have many hilarious conversations though, which was a plus.
Watched xmen and iron man. Ollie fell asleep the minute the second film started which milly and I found hilarious. It amazes me how fast he can get to sleep, it's like his head touches a pillow and he's out. We think he's either a vampire a werewolf, but we can't yet decide which one. :P

On Monday, I revised. And then in the evening I called Jordan again and we had another long and fun conversation. At the end of which I will explain with two words. Phone Sex.
Bloody brilliant, we should have tried it sooner. :P

On Tuesday, at 9, I went for a morning walk with Jenny, in the rain. So this brings us to the final point of agenda as it were. We talked about Hannah's party and those fateful goings on, how fake friendship seemed wrong to her, and Jordan and George.
From what I can gather, she didn't ever want to tell me about the kiss. She wanted Jordan to do it. Which I can't decide if it is cowardly, smart, or just indecisive. Whatever. I just know that she didn't want to tell me. Which is understandable.
She also explained how she felt guilty about being friendly with me, even if I knew. Because it happened, and she knew it was wrong. And however many times people say it, the Hollie thing I did was just not the same.
I also think I've cleared up the Jordan-stealing situation, as well as clarifying the George thing. So things there have finally been sorted out, and I feel much better about that too.
So now I still don't know where I stand with her, friendship wise, but I have a better explanation of why she's been distant. Whether this talk will affect how close we become again, I don't know. Probably not. But at least we've discussed it a little. Though we still have so much to talk about.
We also talked about the other girls in the bench. And she finally confirmed that they talk about me. Now all I need to find out is about what, and then how to fix what they think needs fixing. I know it seems a little ?shallow? of me, but I can't stand not living up to standards people have set. It makes me feel bad about myself, and then my self esteem plummets and takes ages to get back up to where it was. And, god, I hate that people talk behind my back. And I hate when people give me death glares. But what I hate even more is people pretending to be nice to me and then stabbing me later. I'll come back to this point in a bit.

The rest of the morning was me procrastinating until Jonnys party, which was nice. It was bowling. I did pretty well on the first game, came second. But the second game was shit. Oh well. I was having fun with the guys at the pool table. It was because I was on a team with the girls. And apart from Anna, I have been told they all bitch about me. That said, they were all smiling, apart from Cheryl, and giving me compliments and acting completely normal. It was so bizzare and it's like the Double Bind effect. I can't ask what they really mean by their comments, it's taboo, and I don't know what they're really meaning with their actions. What do they really think of me? I'd actually prefer it if they were all like Cheryl. At least I'd know where they stand. :/
So yeah, went back to Jonnys. Listened to the mindless chatter as per usual, and had a little sing-a-long with the Axis of Awesome before heading off home at 7:45
Then Jordan and I had a shower. It was a truly wonderful shower. ;) messed around a little.
Went to the cinema to see the Hangover part 3, and brought Greg along with us.
Got home and messed around a little more. Including with Jordan's present for me, which I must say, is brilliant. :P
Eventually, we were both too tired to do anything else and Jordan left for his own bed.

Wednesday morning Jordan and I slept in til about 10, and I'm pretty sure we made too much noise, but no one has commented so I'm not saying anything.
Spent the rest of the morning procrastinating and stuff til my psychology tutor arrived at 2:30
Then I went and relaxed in the guest room and started planning for the 22nd. *evil smirk*
Started trying to blog and then....

Stuff

So I haven't blogged in a while.

Nothing much has happened.

Exams are coming up.

I had a brief spell of feeling really happy. Like really happy. It was while it was sunny. So perhaps that had something to do with it? Anyways. That was the briefest of light within all sorts of darkness.

I cut myself again an awful lot. 9 times. But they're alright now, I don't notice them as much. Jordan notices them all the time. Meh.

The sun came out again today. It's lifted my spirits slightly. But not enough to make me feel more than indifferent. Though I suppose it's better than feeling miserable....

I admitted my love for Jordan at ifes party at kids kingdom actually. So that's a thing. And I know I can't take it back and all that, but it's going to make it so much harder now if we break up at uni. Because admitting it to him is admitting it to myself. And I've found myself relying on him a lot more recently.

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx