I did it again.

I felt like shit.
 So I thought about what I could do.
 My mind ran through all of the possible reactions.
 It wasn't even a bad situation. I could have sorted it out if I'd calmed down enough. But mother was making it so difficult to think rationally.
 I thought about calling people. Smurf first, but he was still so annoyed about Crisp and I didn't want to be a bother. It was late anyway.
 So then I thought of others. But I didn't want to tell them about how crap I'm feeling, for no particular reason either. At least not that I can remember. That's been happening more often recently. The memory blanks. I'm a freak. And I'm surprised Smurf is putting up with me to be honest. :/
So I did it. And felt better instantly. Calm and collected and happy.
 And then the sick feeling in my stomach returned. I had time to think about my actions. And then I felt like shit again. 
This is how it started last time. The disgusting loop I caught myself in. But I don't want it to begin again. So I'm trying to stay strong. And not give in like last time. Because then I will upset people. I've been trying to hide it from people for the last week, but they suspect.

 I'm going to tell Smurf on Tuesday. I think. He can help. He makes things better. I wish I'd had the guts to call him on Monday. But it doesn't matter now. What's done is done. If he puts up with me I'll be eternally happy. Because I'm just being pathetic. I know that.

 Over and out,

 Gloves. xx