Done, finally.

My exams are over. Thank goodness.
Just my essay to finish now. Hopefully I'll be able to crack on and get it out of the way by Friday.

Slightly obsessed with a dude in a band. The music is poppy and cheesy and I sortof like it? (oh no)

Other than that, nothing interesting has happened. Greg's out and well(ish), and I've spent the past two weeks revising with Greco, every single day.

Back at uni on Monday, and the work begins again.

La di fucking da.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

No.

I had a bad day today. 

I don't want to go back to how I was before.

Nothing helps.

I’m moody as fuck so if you want a relationship/friendship with me understand that there will be days that I will not care for your presence even though you did nothing wrong followed by days where you’ll be the only person that I want to talk to despite having nothing to say.

Fun fact time: many of my old acquaintances still make joking comments whenever they see me wearing pink, because as a child (and honestly pretty much right up to high school) I would refuse to associate with any pink objects. 

It wasn’t because I didn’t like pink, it was because since I appeared female I was supposed to/ it was immediately assumed that I did and therefore it pissed me the ever-loving fuck off. I was ashamed to like it, which is terrible because pink is an awesome color. But when you shove it down young girls throats it gets really old, really fast. 


Give the child the fucking rainbow, and if they pick pink, it’s not because they are female and/or effeminate, it’s because they like the color pink. 

Bad Start

So Greg's back in hospital.
He had a funny turn on New Years Day so we cancelled our plans and he went to bed.
He collapsed on the 3rd, Saturday morning.
While in A&E he had two short seizures, after which he was taken to Oxford. Mom stayed with him overnight but father and I had to leave and return in the morning because he wasn't allowed more than one visitor overnight. He was transferred to CCU and they finally found out what was going on.
Long story short, he now has a temporary pacemaker, soon to be made permanent.

So I mean that's not exactly the best start.
And I haven't exactly been helping myself make it a good start to the new year, seeing as I've been putting off my revision all week. Which I know is stupid but I'm still doing it. I have yet to complete my essay which is in for Monday, and it needs to be done so I can focus on the exams on Tuesday.

God.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

A Whole New Year

So it is officially 2015...

I was planning to just sleep through it, but the evening before Cleugh invited me to his new years thing and I thought "Why not? I haven't seen the guys in an age" so that was that.

Turned up and immediately started drinking. Jordan turned up which was a little unexpected but whatever, I thought I was mature enough to be civil to my ex. Turns out, I'm not when I'm drunk... not at all really. I made small digs at him all evening and on top of that I through a shot in his face *facepalm* what a bitch. Still, I think most people had a good night. We played beer pong twice and I wasn't too bad at it at all. :P Cleugh pennied me twice and instead of downing my second drink I agreed to instead play "higher or lower" or something like that. Which I probably shouldn't have agreed to... We also played a game called "Ring of Death" which is as terrifying as it sounds. Canfield was sick after that drinking game though so it sort of put an end to that.
Invited the new year in with a glass of Prosecco and then had a quick chat to Tom which was lovely :) (Including the news that his new years kiss was stolen by Adam (bastard) :P) but yeah. Shortly after midnight someone broke a glass and that pushed Cleugh over the edge with everyone so we went out to the clubs instead. Somehow we lost two Toms and a Jordan on the way but after trapseing through 5 different clubs, we finally found them in Decades. Had a shot of Tequila at the bar (courtesy of Cleugh) and then went off to find Jordan (who had apparently disappeared again). We found him sitting on a sofa in Seven. He told us to fuck off, several times actually, but neither of us wanted to leave him alone so I ended up sitting with him, trying to cheer him up. It was quite an insightful conversation and hopefully getting things off his chest helped him a little. Because however much I resented him for breaking up with me, I don't want him to be unhappy.
We ended up leaving shortly after that so Jenny and I walked back arm in arm with Jordan to make sure he didn't wander off again. I don't really remember much of the walk back but Jenny said it was filled with lots of him shouting things at us and us trying to make him shout things quieter. She said there was a particularly funny moment where both of us were leaning on a bush and Jordan got offended because I told him no-one wanted to hear how he felt about me (he was shouting it apparently). It was funnier how she explained it but I can't remember exactly what she said.
Anyways, we got back to Cleughs around 3. Cleugh collapsed half naked on his floor and Jordan fell asleep, half out of his sleeping bag, on the lounge floor. We gave up trying to move them both to suitable sleeping places and instead donned pj's and watched a movie (Liar Liar).
After ten minutes of the second movie (at about 4:30) Jenny and I decided that it was sleep time and promptly settled in bed. :P

Woke up with a hangover, as was to be expected seeing as I couldn't remember exactly how much alcohol I'd consumed. At about 10:30 Jenny, David and I decided to go out in search of bacon. After a short walk to a closed shop we walked back, with David vowing to find us bacon somehow. Sat with bacon sandwiches and played Cards Against Humanity until my dad picked me up.

We were mean't to go to the cinema and Nandos in the evening but Greg had an episode so we stayed and called various doctors etc. instead. Luckily he didn't need to go back to Oxford so we just had an early night.

Got my hair done this morning. Its natural again, and now I have a bob. :P
Was meant to meet up with Joel but he's always letting me down so I wasn't surprised when he didn't show.

Had a quick chat with Jordan on Facebook. Hopefully we can be close again. He was a really nice friend to have and I missed that. We'll just have to see.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Winter :)

ITS BEEN CHRISTMAS! ITS ALMOST A WHOLE NEW YEAR! HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!

Super weird.

Tom took me to the Winter Wonderland thing in Hyde Park on Christmas eve eve which was super cool and he's just totally wonderful :3

I got some cool clothes and games and chocolate and music for Christmas. Oh and money. :D yep. It was a good Christmas haul. Tom gave me this really sweet Puppycat plushie paired with the cutest, most soppy note I've ever read. :)

It even snowed on Christmas day :D and on boxing day. And its been super cold ever since.

New years is soon, No plans for it so i'll probably end up sleeping at like 9 that evening. It will pass like nothing and then it will be a new year. which is super scary.

I have had a couple of down moments recently but they've passed without too much strain and nothing untoward has occurred so i'm calling that a success. I just wish i didn't have any at all.

Whatever. Things have been good.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Happy days

An old friend contacted me the other day. It was really nice to chat with him again and hopefully we'll meet up sometime in the Christmas holidays. :)

Tom is being a sweetheart and is keeping me happy most days now. I don't understand how he's so cheerful all the time but I'm glad he is. :) He's "my every line, every word, everything ;)" - and also gets me to listen to ridiculously cheesy songs damnit! :P *shakes fist at sky*

My presentation went well today and I now only have two days left of my placement. I've really enjoyed it so far and hopefully the final two days should go pretty smoothly.

Life is good, and just in time for Christmas too :P

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Insecurities

Gregs op went really well. He's doing better than expected and has already been moved off CCU and is now on the main ward. Just recovery to worry about now. Things are looking up so that's one less thing to stress about :) that said I've been in an odd state of calm for a few days now and while that's a good thing I'm sortof apprehensive about what's coming up.... Because there's always got to be something.... 

Recently I've been letting my imagination run away with me and I keep thinking that Toms going to do something or I'm going to ruin us in some way...which I don't truly believe will happen but hey. I'm insecure and having images of my boyfriend going off with someone else is the norm. Especially when he tells me stories of his nights out which include having thoughts about other girls during a massage, getting kicked out for strongly coming onto one of his friends, and not being able to remember the second half of the event..... 

Whatever. I'm used to it. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Fuck.

I'm gonna relapse. I know it. It's gonna happen soon. I hate feeling like this. I'm waiting for it to happen. I'm so stupid. 

Stressed.

I think the stress is getting to me. 

The only thing that seems to make me better now is distraction. Yesterday at dance I wasn't worrying about anything other than the steps we were learning and it was really refreshing. Even if I was absolutely shattered yesterday and really hated myself for going afterwards it was sortof worth it. The alternative would have been sitting in my room crying on and off for no reason. Which sucks by the way. It feels like I can't control my own emotions sometimes. I panic and start crying at random moments when I'm on my own. I think it's because I overthink things. I'm worrying about my workload at placement and the responsibility that's being put on me and I'm questioning my decisionmaking skills and trying to organise my work when I get back. And on top of that I'm worrying about messing things up with Tom and getting things sorted with the house. And I still haven't done my essay. 

I keep having these dreams lately. And I'm really afraid of them actually coming true. But weirdly... I kindof want some of it to happen tbh. In this dream I have had for the last three nights I have a massive breakdown and just release all of my pent up stress and frustration at myself. Which I think would be great. If I can find a way to release it all without progressing to what happens next. Which is a relapse. A huge one. Like all over my arms and legs and not eating for weeks and generally becoming numb to everything and ignoring everyone and just getting on with everything on my own for months on end. A bit like what happened in year 12. Only shittier. Because I lose everyone close to me and this time round I actually care about them. And that's why I'm trying to hold my shit together. I haven't relapsed even a little bit and to be honest I'm quite proud of myself for that :) 

Yesterday I was meant to meet up with Tom but because of things that happened on the ward I couldn't and that sucked. Had a slight panic attack on the way to dance about nothing and everything but dance took my mind off things which was good. Accidentally cried in front of my mother which was a little bit of suck because she has enough on her mind right now. But yeah. Had a reasonably early night. Though everyone in the house was being loud until I shouted. They're really annoying me lately actually because they expect me to do everything and just aren't being responsible or mature and I can't deal with their stupidity right now. 

Whatever. I'm supposed to be doing research at work right now so I'd better do that. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

Unwanted, irrational feelings.

So I suppose a lot of things have happened recently.
And I want to say that everything's great all of the time.
Unfortunately things don't seem to work like that... And although the majority of things in my life are going well, like I'm in my second year of uni and haven't screwed it up yet, and I have a fantastic boyfriend who treats me like I'm the best thing in his life (besides golf and quidditch ;) ) even though I'm not too sure I deserve it (but he's always telling me that I am so I'm trying to raise my self esteem for his sake), and I'm friends with Jenny again, and all of this good stuff, but the thing is things in my mind are getting bad again.
I'm surrounded by so much cheerfulness and affection and general good and somehow I'm can't help but feel sad. And that makes me pissed off at myself. I should be feeling the best I have in a long time, things are wonderful. Yet every time I have a good day, three bad ones follow. It might just be a sad feeling that grows and fades throughout the day that I can blame on the stress of university and classes and stuff. Or sometimes I wake up feeling utterly shite and tired and grouchy and by the end of the day all I want to do is sleep forever. It could be that something happens that makes me feel bad about myself, like I snap at my friends or I can't fit in a pair of jeans and my first thought is to throw up my breakfast. At least I have a reason for feeling sad in those situations.
But sometimes it just hits me like a train. Like BAM and suddenly I'm numb and I can't feel anything and I'm just sad. Life is boring and I can't deal with anyone being emotional and people are annoying and I can't do anything about it because I don't know why I feel like that. Of course the simple thing to do in that situation would be to talk to someone about it. Tell them what I'm feeling and maybe I'd figure out what made me sad or maybe letting out something would get me feeling better. I'm an idiot though, and even when people say (multiple times I might add) "Are you doing okay?" "You look down, can I help?" or even "Please talk to me, I don't want you going through this on your own" I will always reply with something along the lines of "I'm fine, I'll talk to you later". Idiot. I know full well that talking will help and yet I refuse to seek out people and the comfort they offer. I could blame it on a childhood of bullying and overbearing parents with no concept of hugging but I should have learned by now that being around people is better than sitting alone, crying continuously, doing something and regretting it later. Ugh. I just hate myself. I want to be happy, and have so many reasons to be. I mean for one of the first times in my life someone significant to me seems happy to see me and treats me like they care all the time... So why the fuck am I still pushing people away and feeling sad?!

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

Jordans poem to jenny

So Jenny and I went to a gig tonight and it was pretty cool (like totally awesome, we chatted to Alfie from Hudson Taylor for like half an hour after the show just about music and views on all sorts of things and it was really enlightening and wonderful and really cool) but anyways after we started looking through all my old "little books" and reminiscing about old times which has been pretty wonderful because there have been so many wonderful times in the past and I only usually think about the shitty things. Anyways, I mentioned this poem Jordan wrote for Jenny but never showed her and I realised I'd saved it as a blog post years ago. It seems pretty weird that we've come so far since then. Jenny loved him. Then I loved him. And now we're entirely different people and we can talk about the whole experience without feeling terrible. It happened and to accept that and move on is wonderful. 

Anyways, here's the original post: 

"[17/11/2011 18:15:28] Smurf: These are my best words,
Without you is a world without birds,
A world without light,
For you I would fight
With all my heart,
But now we’re apart.
Eyes of blue so deep,
That I still see when I’m asleep.
Hair so fair,
You just don’t care
lIps so soft
i think of you oft’
For you were my everything,
Now I’m you nothing

Just a reminder of how much he loved her.... Why do I like torturing myself I wonder?"

So yeah. That was that. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. Xx

Old Friendships

Now, my history with friendships and how they turn out isn't particularly the best. And it all started going downhill in year 11. I'm not going to bore anyone with the details because quite frankly its a very long story. If you're extremely interested then I'm sure theres a shitton of blog posts from that time you can go and read.
Of course, all of those opinions are now outdated. I no longer resent or dislike most of the people I disliked back then. In fact, I'm extremely indifferent to the people I used to call my friends. However, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to get back in touch with them.

Since it's the summer and everyone's back from university I thought (spontaneously) that perhaps meeting up with old friends wouldn't be a bad idea. The first attempt fell through. Jordan is in Filey for the summer and so its unlikely that we will get a chance to meet up. That said, I'm glad I asked, because at least it started a conversation, and who knows, we may become friends again.

Next, was a passing thought on my way back from work. After a couple of texts I wasn't just driving past the turning to Nathans house, I was knocking on his door. We went across the road to the Trading Post to have a drink and it was nice to chat and catch up. We've agreed to do it often and because I'm going into town quite often now I hope we can continue to talk again.

The most recent, and most important, catch up I have had this week was with Jenny. Jenny and I have a complicated history, but it began with us being best friends. To the point of sisterhood. We were literally referring to one another as Twin. And we loved it. I enjoyed being around her and I didn't need anyone else as long as I could go to her when I was upset or excited or whatever. What I'm saying is we had (what we thought was) an unbreakable friendship. Unfortunately that wasn't particularly true. Boys and other friends came between us and we drifted. Well I say drifted. It was a bit more sudden than that. More like the crack that forms suddenly during an earthquake and then slowly gets bigger unless someone patches it up. No one patched our gap up. A couple of years later we tried to bridge it but the situation was still too raw and while it didn't make it worse, it seemed like we'd tried and failed and therefore it could never be done. Another year later and we're back at that bridge. I'm not saying its going to be easy to go completely back to the way we were, but after our talk and general chatting, I'm hopeful we can go back to being good friends. Being with her is so easy, because I was with her almost every day for several years, you can't just forget that.

So yeah. I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer, and who knows, I might just get back in contact with another lost friend. I hope so.

Over and out,

Gloves. xx

New Beginnings

So I've had long hair for as long as I've been able to grow it. And I decided that it needed to change. I wanted a change in general so.... This happened. 

Hopefully this can be a new start to a new chapter in my life. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx

The end.

So Jordan broke up with me. 

I can't say i was particularly surprised. I was messing him around quite a bit..... But still. I went up to his place for his birthday..... And I'd prepared this little speech saying how I wanted it to be back the way it was before, and to just forget the past few weeks. I wanted us to snuggle and watch movies and then get carried away and make out and miss half the movie anyway and not care. I wish I'd asked to speak first. Though I suppose if he'd already made up his mind then there wasn't really much my speech could have done about it. Still, it might have been nice to get it off my chest. To tell him I love him for the last time. Because I do. And probably still will for a while. 

I'm trying to take my mind off it. I think all the crying helped. And chatting with my mates too. And getting drunk. That helps. 

Ugh. I don't know. I'd like to say that I'm not devastated. But I am a bit. 

That said. I should have seen it coming. 

Over and out, 

Gloves. xx